Grade: B+

Meet Eloise Bridgerton. She’s twenty eight years old, number five on the Bridgerton hierarchy of children (after Anthony, Benedict, Colin, and Daphne), and a happily single woman despite being out for eight Seasons. Though she is well past an age where an English woman is considered a spinster (she has turned down six marriage proposals because none of the men have suited her), she does not mind being unmarried because her best friend Penelope is sitting cheerfully on the shelf with her… until her brother Colin sweeps Miss Featherington off of her feet, and Eloise finds herself alone in her spinsterhood (during the course of this story, Francesca is away in Scotland mourning her husband). One day, she hears that a distant country cousin has died and Eloise, ever the letter-writer, pens a note of condolences to the widower who lives on the other side of England. He answers promptly with a letter and a dried, pressed flower, thanking her for her kind words. Eloise is touched and responds quickly, thus initiating a year-long correspondence with a man she has never met, but has begun to think of fondly.

Sir Phillip Crane is a botanist. He would have become an accomplished botanist, had his elder brother not died in Waterloo, leaving him with a baronet, an estate, and a melancholy fiancee, whom Phillip marries because it was the right thing to do. Eight years later, he finds himself at wit’s end with his demonic kids running wild and destroying everything in their paths, his household a mess, and unable to concentrate on anything because he is sure he is being a lousy father and a lousy lord. All he wants to do is hide in his greenhouse and lock everyone out, but clearly he can’t do that because his weakling wife–not that she had ever been any help–had the audacity to die on him and who would look after the children? When he begins receiving letters from Eloise Bridgerton, he writes back if only to amuse himself. What he gathers from the letters she sends him is that she is a lonely, homely spinster in need of a husband, so why not volunteer himself? Surely she is homely or she would have been married by now. She would be grateful for his proposal!

When Eloise receives a marriage proposal from Sir Phillip, she is slightly aghast, for what kind of man would propose to a woman he had never even seen? Part of her, however, is intrigued by the notion of meeting up with him and seeing if they would suit. He seems so sensitive and kind in his lovely letters and she is sure that he has a poet’s soul. Besides, with her brothers, Daphne, and Francesca (though widowed) married, she becomes self-conciously aware of her unmarried state. Everyone around her seems to be falling in love except her and why shouldn’t she be in love? Even if she doesn’t find love with Sir Phillip, it could be a marriage based on kindness and respect, so why not consider his proposal? Without giving thought to what her poor mother would think or how her overly-protective Bridgerton brothers would react, Eloise sneaks out in the middle of the night and runs away to Gloucestershire, where Phillip lives. Because she arrives unannounced (how rude), what she finds instead of a warm welcome is a shabby-looking manor, a befuddled butler, and Sir Phillip staring at her in shock with his mouth wide-open because he never expected Eloise to be so… byoooooooooootiful. Oh, and not once in his many letters, did he ever mention having two unruly demon kids. Not once.

Thus begins a courtship between Eloise and Phillip (he has sent away for a chaperone who will be arriving any day now). And Phillip’s kids. When I got to this part of the story, I thought, “aw crap, it’s a Super Nanny story. I hate Harlequin derivative garbage like this!”, but it surprisingly doesn’t annoy me. It’s not just your average Mary Poppins rip-off, because this is Eloise Bridgerton we’re talking about, a middle child in a family with SEVEN brothers and sisters. At first, Eloise is pissed at Phillip for not telling her about his evil children, but she forgives him because he is just so handsome and big (I find it charming that he can’t fit in most chairs) and oh so tortured. Besides, it’s clear to Eloise that his children need help. Industrial-strength help. Eloise is a romance heroine, so instead of high-tailing it back to London like I would have done (like, in a second), she stays because she wants to find out if Phillip would make a good enough husband that she wouldn’t even mind that she has put up with his demon kids.

Speaking of tortured, Phillip has got the practice down to an art form. You see, his daddy used to beat him up when he was a kid and his mommy died giving birth to him, so he’s never really had a real parent figure. Because of this, Phillip tries to avoid his kids because he’s afraid they’ll do something he won’t like and he’ll have to beat the crap out of them. He also blames himself for his wife’s death. He thinks that maybe if he had been a better husband and father, she wouldn’t have tried to kill herself (she tries to drown herself, but she doesn’t succeed, and instead dies of the chill three days later). Dude, YOUR WIFE WAS A MANIC DEPRESSIVE! IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT, PHILLIP, IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT! Phillip has so much anger, so much fear, so much misery brewing inside of him, and only his plants to take it out on (he hasn’t gotten laid in 8 years– my favorite kind of hero), that he’s kind of like the The Hulk. In fact, while I was reading this book, I half expected Phillip to tear of his clothing, grow to be five times his size, and start throwing shit around. Seriously, dude, that’s what not getting laid does to you. Anyway, his fucking kids beat the shit out of Eloise (they trip her and she lands flat on her face, getting a nice fat bruise for her trouble), and Phillip almost loses it right there. I thought for sure he was going to turn into the big green guy, but he doesn’t. Pity.

What I like most about this story is the nice, leisurely pace that Eloise and Phillip get to know each other. It’s not a typical Bridgerton book where the ton itself is a background for their courtship and we read about the how wonderful! how awesome! how witty! how fucking clever! the goddamn Bridgertons are every other page. No, this is about Eloise and Phillip, and how Eloise helps Phillip deal with his anger issues (anger issues or not, he’s so not a dick and I love that). And oh, Phillip. I do so like a man with a nice, quiet hobby like horticulture or comic book collecting… and he’s just so damn awkward, but sweet around Eloise that I just want to squeeze him and plant kisses all over his face. Ahem. This book would have gotten an A, if the goddamn Bridgerton men hadn’t shown up! But noooo, the book was flowing beautifully with Eloise and Phillip getting closer and closer to each other, but Ms. Quinn just had to intrude to show us how strong! how handsome! how clever! how witty! the goddamn Bridgerton men are. Poor Phillip. When they just showed up at his house, demanding that he unhand Eloise, it would have been a good time for Phillip to bust out of clothes, turn into the big green machine, and HULK SMASH! the shit out of the Bridgerton brothers. That would have kicked ass.

I was supposed to review For All Eternity, but I received this book from Booksfree, and I just had to read it. I know I’ve made fun of Julia Quinn in the past and as much as I bitch about the Bridgertons, I really like reading about them. I’m a frickin’ masochist! I can’t pass up a Julia Quinn book, it’s like crack cocaine to me. All her books are breezy, well-written, and while not exactly the Palliser novels by Anthony Trollope, they’re an okay way to spend a couple of hours. Seriously. I’ll put up the review for For All Eternity one of these days (and for these Emma Holly books I’ve got on hand), but first I have to read: To Catch an Heiress, It’s in His Kiss, and Lady Whistledown Strikes Back. I’m sick, man. I think I need an Intervention.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 28th, 2005 at 5:41 pm and is filed under Books, Grade: B, Romance: Historical. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.