Grade: C+

I read somewhere (it might have been on Mrs. Giggles) that this book has a pretty hot phone sex scene, so I thought I’d check it out, and put it on my queue at Booksfree. I finished the book in an hour and a half—the phone sex scene is very hot and quite well written—but in another hour or two, I could barely even remember the names of the main characters. They say that memory is the first to go for an aging person, but I’d like to think that these characters just weren’t that memorable. More on that later.

ER Nurse Georgia Adams can’t sleep. Apart from the heat wave that has the city in a death grip and her broken A/C, she is so very horny, and can’t get laid. She is currently dating a very pleasant accountant (and has been for ten months), but the physical aspect of their relationship is just not progressing as quickly as she wants it, and she’s starting to suspect that her boyfriend Rob might be gay. Her “quirky” best friend Toni suggests that she should call up Rob one day and talk dirty to him, just to kind of test the waters, and see if he’s ready to get sexual with her. One night, while feeling particularly horny, she speed-dials Rob, tells him not to say anything as soon as he says “hello”, moans a little, says a couple of dirty things, and hangs up.

The phone number she dials, however, is not Rob’s (she programmed the wrong number on her speed dial), but police officer Ken Medlock’s. Ken has been having trouble sleeping, too, because he’s horny, just like Georgia. Heeeey! One night, a lady with a sexy voice calls him, talks dirty to him before he could even say anything, and turns him on more than he’s ever been turned on in his life. Afterwards, Ken goes to bed, and gets the first good night’s sleep he’s had in months. The next day, Ken feels really shitty because he took advantage of the woman on the phone, who wasn’t even aware that she dialed the wrong number, but rationalizes that the woman must be a stripper (with a name like Georgia, what else could she be?) or someone with loose morals, because everyone knows that nice ladies don’t ever have phone sex.

When Officer Ken (who is thirty-seven years old… shouldn’t he be a detective by now?) runs over a dog because he’s not paying attention to the road, he drives the injured dog to the nearest hospital, and encounters a hot, but abrasive nurse who tells him to fuck off because IT IS A HOSPITAL FOR HUMANS, MORON! Officer Ken tries to appeal to the woman’s gentle side, but the nurse won’t budge because she can get fired for helping him, so Officer Ken tries to bandage the dog himself, and ends up injuring the dog further. At this point, the nurse—who turns out to be Georgia, duh—should have called for security and had the crazy man escorted out, but she feels sorry for the idiot, and takes over patching up the pooch. Anyway, on their way out, Officer Ken overhears that the nurse’s name is Georgia, and wonders if she could be the same Georgia who said dirty things to him the night before. When she starts talking about her boyfriend Rob—she called him Rob over the phone—Officer Ken’s suspicions are confirmed, and after seeing for himself that she is a) hot and b) not a woman of loose morals, he decides that she’s the woman for him, and commences stalking her. Alright!

For me, this book is just eh. Georgia and Officer Ken have chemistry together, but when they are apart, the story becomes very dry and kind of uninteresting. I don’t really get to know Georgia and Officer Ken—perhaps because the story is too short—and when they’re not together, I don’t really care enough about either of them to want to read about them separately. For example, we get Georgia, who is immediately attracted to Officer Ken, but wants to give her relationship with Rob a chance, so she keeps having phone sex with the guy she believes to be Rob (the sessions get hotter and hotter). Because of this, we get nothing from Georgia other than her neurotic whining about wanting to bone Officer Ken, but at the same time, not wanting to give up on her relationship with Rob (according to her, it is just getting good). This is all we get from Georgia: “Oh, Officer Ken looks so hot in his uniform and he’s so brave and manly, but oh, I must stay true to Rob, or I’ll be no better than my man-slut father!” Georgia’s father, you see, was a big horndog and cheated on Georgia’s mom every chance he got, and she’s afraid that she’s going to turn out just like him.

As for Officer Ken, I didn’t really like him as a hero, because I think he was a douchebag for not admitting to Georgia that he was not Rob. He allows Georgia to keep talking dirty to him, not confessing to her about who he really is, and that’s just really sleazy to me. Imagine calling your boyfriend for some phone nookie, but you inadvertently dial the wrong number, and some faceless jerk whacks off to your voice. That’s just disgusting. Sure, their phone sex sessions are hot, but I couldn’t get over the fact that Georgia thinks it’s ROB, HER BOYFRIEND, on the other line, not this strip o’gram cop! Then he starts following her around, showing up wherever she goes… come on, that’s creepy. I just didn’t buy Officer Ken as a hero, I’m sorry. He’s just gross to me.

Oh, and there’s this ridiculous scene where Georgia shows up at the police station dressed up in her nurse’s uniform (she didn’t have time to change) and the other cops think that she’s the stripper they hired for Officer Ken’s birthday. Do nurses even wear the white uniform and the little square hat anymore? I thought they only wear scrubs now, because it’s more comfortable, so it’s easier for them to move around and do their job. Don’t they only wear the white uniform in soft core porn movies on Skinnymax?

I also got irritated with the way Ms. Bond resolves Georgia’s Rob and daddy issues. SPOILER: 1) Rob turns out to be an ex-con and a jerk. 2) Georgia confesses to her mother that she is worried that she can’t ever have a true committed relationship with anyone because she fell in love with one man, while dating another. She is afraid that she is just like her father, who was an unfaithful slut. Her mother, in turn, tells her that she never enjoyed sex, so it was justified that Georgia’s father sought sexual comfort from other women. This made me slap my forehead so hard that I think I left a palm print on it. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Georgia somehow works it out in her crazy, crazy head that it was her mother’s fault that her father fucked around on her, because she didn’t like sex, and therefore failed in her role as a woman to provide a hot hole for her man to stick his swizzle stick in. I call that BULLSHIT, my friend. That’s just pure laziness! It’s like Ms. Bond had this one loose end to tie up, so she decides “fuck it”, and wraps it up in an idiotic, who-cares manner that can’t be called anything but BULLSHIT. I mean, I’m glad Georgia resolves her “I’m a horndog like my father and will never be able to find ONE man to settle down with and not fuck around on” issues and all, but at whose expense, my friend? It’s just… bullshit.

Oh, and did I mention that Officer Ken is a psycho creep and the only reason that Georgia didn’t run away and file a restraining order against him is because he looks hot in his uniform? What if the guy whose number she dialed turned out to look like Leatherface? Think about that, my friend, think about that.

Moral of the story? Before you talk dirty to your lover, VERIFY that you dialed the correct number and that you have the person that you want on the line. Do not start saying shit like “I’m not wearing any panties” until you are 100% sure that it is your man/woman on the line. You don’t want to be accidentally saying that shit to his roommate/mother, do you?

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 20th, 2005 at 8:03 pm and is filed under Books, Grade: C, Romance: Contempo, Romance: Category. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.