Grade: C-

Oh, man, I had really enjoyed the P.C. Cast books I had previously read, so I was really looking forward to reading this book, especially since it is set in the same world as the very awesome Goddess By Mistake. In fact, the heroine of this story is the great-granddaughter of Lady Rhiannon neé Shannon, the heroine of Goddess By Mistake, and the prologue reveals that she’s half-centaur, half human, so I thought “dude, this is going to rock me, Amadeus.”. But that was not to be. In fact, I was really, really disappointed in this book and I think it actually broke my heart. The hero is one of those clichéd tortured types that one can usually find in Amanda Ashley or Carphathian romance novels (cue: gratuitous eye rolling) and the heroine is a bit of a twit. Add to that a kind of interesting, but ultimately boring side story starring the heroine’s human brother and some Healer chick, and really, this book ain’t all that. Sigh.

The heroine of this Luna offering by P.C. Cast is the eldest daughter of the Goddess Incarnate (or human conduit) of the Goddess Epona and a High Shaman centaur. Together, they rule Partholon, which is like a paradise type place where everyone is happy and sings songs under trees and watch rainbows and shit. A hundred years ago, Partholon was nearly torn apart by the invasion of the Fomorians, which are demon vampires with wings, but Rhiannon and the centaurs managed to defeat them and drive them out. If you’ve read the story, you might remember that Rhiannon’s dad, the MacCallan, was torn to pieces by these Fomorian suckers and killed. Because of this, the MacCallan Castle is rumored to be cursed and it has been abandoned for a hundred years. Our heroine, Lady Elphame, is believed to be Epona in the Flesh, so this means that she is the perfect amalgamation of human and centaur, and a truly exquisite being. In short, she is a hot chick with horsey legs (seriously, instead of feet, she’s got hooves) and a FREAK! Humans and centaurs alike have always treated her like a gift from Epona herself, but never as a real live girl, damn it. Elphame wants to be treated just like everyone else and for this to happen, she feels she must leave home and set out for MacCallan Castle, which she believes is her destiny. She will restore it to its former glory and she will be known as the greatest Chieftain evah!

So anyway, Elphame and her brother, a great warrior but completely human-looking, Coochie Coo (it’s actually Cuchulainn, but who wants to type that?) leave home for MacCallan Castle and here we see a bunch of scenes of Elphame realizing that the stupid stones of the castle can talk to her (she has never felt magic before) and Elphame getting to know the village girls and boys who will help her work on the castle. Here, we encounter a bunch of stock characters that we usually encounter in this type of stories, i.e. Brighid, the tough, gruff, but kind-hearted centaur; Brenna, the gentle, sweet-natured, but disfigured Healer; and Wynn, the buxom, happy-go-lucky, bawdy cook. If this were a movie, this is where we would have a montage of Elphame warily getting to know her rag-tag band of undesirables (natch!), then gradually warming up to them, Elphame and the women playing with water and bubbles as they clean the castle, Elphame gathering her confidence and invoking the Goddess Epona to bless the castle, and Elphame finally letting loose of her inhibitions and embracing her inner Goddess conduit self. All this, of course, is set to some folksy Celtic song with flutes and harps and shit. Or some fucking Enya song or something. There’s even a fucking world-wise, matchmaking ghost (the MacCallan) to serve as Elphame’s father-figure/guide type and an old centaur who is wise in the ways of reading stones and shit, who’s like her Mr. Miyagi. Whatever. I’m over it.

The “hero” is a half-human, half-Fomorian guy named Lochlan. Before we meet this guy, Coochie Coo tells Elphame that she will meet her lifemate (groan!) at MacCallan Castle, but for some reason, Coochie Coo can’t see his face in his visions, so this makes him nervous. Coochie Coo also tells Elphame that her life with this mate will be shadowed by pain and misery, yada-yada-yada, so from this we know that the “hero” will be some tortured, anguished type who can’t accept his true nature. Sure enough, Lochlan is mostly human, but is constantly tortured by the demon blood of his father, so we get a lot of “I love her, but I don’t deserve her” and “Oh, I’m a dirty, dirty demon and I will never find happiness” kind of whining. Jesus. Do me a favor, Lochlan, and kill yourself already.

Anyway, Lochlan’s human mother and the other mothers were raped by the Fomorians, and though human females don’t usually survive giving birth to Fomorian hybrid’s, Lochlan’s mother and the other mothers survive, and teach Lochlan and the others how to be more human. According to some prophecy, it is Elphame’s blood that will save him and the others from the Fomorian madness, but oh, he loves Elphame more than anything because she’s so pretty and so smart and so kind and so pure and for God’s sake, someone douse me in gasoline and set me on fire already! Jesus Christ, YOU SUCK, Lochlan, and on so many levels!

The “love story” between Lochlan and Elphame is nothing to write home about, either. He saves her from a wild boar, she strokes his wings, he gets turned on by her stroking his wings, they hand-fast, he’s afraid he’ll hurt her with his talons, they do the wild horsey dance, he drinks her blood, then he runs away, crying like a little bitch because he’s an animal and a demon and she’s so pure and beautiful and he doesn’t deserve her and he can’t sacrifice her to save his people and zzzzzzzzz…

There is a side love story between Coochie Coo and the disfigured Brenna, but it is stupid and boring, because all we get is Brenna whining and crying that Coochie Coo can’t possibly love her because she’s ugly and deformed and oh, there are so many pretty girls out there and he’s so handsome and heroic and smart and wonderful and OH SHUT THE FUCK UP, you stupid twat! Coochie Coo, on the other hand, is a Ken Doll type guy who falls in love with the whiny creature and he’s not sure what to do about because no one has ever said no to him before, but every time he approaches her, she runs away crying, with her stupid braids flying like Jan Brady. Anyway, he gets a wolf puppy (okay, so that part’s kind of cute) that they take care of together and they fall in love and run in a field of flowers while “Happy Together” by the Turtles play in the background. Or something. Whatever, I just vomited in my mouth while typing that.

‘Tis I, Coochie-Coo!

This book is just so tepid and kind of boring and trite, but this doesn’t necessarily mean that my honeymoon with Ms. P.C. Cast is over. There is still Goddess of Spring and Goddess of Light for me to read. Hopefully, those will be better than this book. I mean, this book is not terrible, but it’s not great, either. I just got so annoyed with Elphame and Lochlan and everyone else that I actually had to force myself to finish the book.

Elphame is an okay heroine; I understand what she’s trying to do with the MacCallan castle, what she wants to accomplish with her life, and I respect that. If this book had just been about Elphame finding herself and discovering that she, too, is magical deep inside (eye roll), I would have been okay with it. The hero, Lochlan, ruins it for me. He does nothing but whine and brood and he is so damned one-dimensional that he is boring instead of dark and delicious like Angel. If there had been a flash of wit, maybe some charm about him, I would have forgiven the whining, but THAT IS ALL HE DOES. Whatever, I’m over it.

Did I mention the shared dreams that these two have? How very Amanda Ashley. Thankfully, Ms. Cast doesn’t torture me with their italicized cheese.

There is one cool character in this book, though, and I look forward to reading her book. Her name is Brighid and she is a centaur and if the next book has some centaur sex, I would dig it, for sure. I’m all about centaur sex, man. Bring it on!

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 30th, 2005 at 2:59 pm and is filed under Books, Grade: C, Romance: Sci-fi/Fan. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.