Grade: B-

Hmm… I don’t know how to review this book. I wanted to like it, but at the same time, it really annoyed me. Could my love affair with P.C. Cast’s stuff be ending so quickly? I mean, I was in love with Goddess By Mistake and I adored Goddess of the Sea, but this one seriously irked me. The heroine, for one thing, is one serious Mary Sue type who is loved by all, even by frickin’ animals, that while reading this book, I was hearing “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes” in the background. Jesus, am I really such a cynical bitch that while I was reading this book, I couldn’t keep a jaded smirk from twisting my lips? Help me, someone, help me. I want to like this book. I want to take a basket of flowers, stand in my balcony, and sprinkle its petals at the children playing below, instead of yelling “Shut the hell up, you little brats, I’m watching my stories!” I want to dance and frolic under the moonlight, humming “So This is Love”. I want to look up at the sky and see the stars dancing and sparkling brightly, without the haze of a smog. I want to be a Goddess, too! I don’t want to be the Grinch, I don’t! I’m telling you, I must be dead inside not to have fallen in love with this book. But I didn’t and I want to know why.

Our heroine, Carolina Something-Something Italian, is a forty-three year old woman who owns a bakery called Pani Del Goddess. She is divorced, gave up on love at forty, and lives with her dog and a cat named Patchy Poo the Pud Santoro (Holy shit, I can’t believe I just typed that. Excuse me, I have to throw up). As I’ve mentioned, she is beloved by all animals, and she would have been a vet, except she doesn’t like reptiles, so she became a baker instead who makes delicious pastries (mmm… pastries). Because she trusted the wrong people, she find herself almost bankrupt and on the verge of losing her business. She can’t let her business fail, of course. For one thing, it’s all she’s got, and she couldn’t possibly fire her two loyal employees (a Southern gal and gay guy… natch!).

One day, a catering opportunity presents itself and though she doesn’t do full course meals, she takes the job, and goes to a used bookstore to search for a cookbook. The cookbook she finds is called the Italian Goddess Cookbook and inside is a recipe for pizza called Pizza By the Meter (cue: eye rolling). Drunk on white wine and desperation, she performs the ceremony that accompanies the recipe and boom, she finds herself standing in front of Demeter, the Goddess of Harvest, who has a proposition for her. Hades, the God of the Underworld, has been pestering her for a Goddess to spruce up the place and Persephone, the Goddess of Spring is the only one who can really do the job. Unfortunately, Persephone is a spoiled, flighty, immature brat, so Demeter tells Carolina that she will fix all of Carolina’s business problems if she will switch bodies with Persephone (for six months) and go to the Underworld in her place. Away from Olympus and her mother, Persephone will learn to be a grown up and in return, she will turn Pani Del Goddess into a profitable venture. Carolina, of course, agrees to the proposition, and before she can even blink, she’s suddenly a skinny, sexy, gorgeous Goddess with a really rockin’ bod (that’s too many damned commas).

Our hero, Hades, is… oooh, chile, he’s so fine I’d drink his bathwater. He is God of the Underworld and the other occupants of Mount Olympus find him to be a stern, dreadful bore. This is mainly because Hades finds the other gods and goddesses to be superficial, shallow assholes, and he really doesn’t want to join their reindeer games. He’s not like Zeus who sleeps indiscriminately with mortal women and impregnates them willy-nilly. He doesn’t frolic and screw goddesses, either. He did have sex with a mortal woman once, but when he revealed to her that he was Lord of the Dead, she was repulsed and ran away from him (what, it’s not like he admitted to be Lord of the Dance!). Hades reminds me a little of the Beast from Beauty and the Beast (I’m always comparing romance heroes to the Beast. I wonder why that is?). He’s all gruff and somber and a bit of a stick in the mud outside, but inside he just wants to love and be loved. He believes in soul mates and true love (sigh), but he doesn’t know if he’ll ever find it.

When Persephone neé Lina intrudes into his world and starts stirring things up, his first instinct is to be defensive and to restrict her from getting too close. The more he sees of her, however, the more he falls in love with her, but he is afraid that such a match would be impossible because he is the Lord of the Dead and she is the Goddess of Spring. How could she even love him?

Anyway, Lina steps into the realm of the dead and finds that it is not as bad as she thought it would be (she remembers the myth surrounding Persephone and Hades, so she is understandably wary). In fact, the Underworld turns out to be a very beautiful place and she can’t help but admire her surroundings. When she encounters Hades, she is immediately attracted to him and starts comparing him to Batman. HOLY SHIT, that’s it! That’s one of the things that really annoyed me about this book. She kept comparing him to Batman! Worst of all, she compares him to Val Kilmer’s Batman who, in my opinion, is THE WORST BATMAN EVER! Why does Hades remind her of Batman? Is he a billionaire industrialist during the day and an avenging masked crusade by night? Were his parents gunned down in front of him by Joe Chill, leaving him emotionally scarred for life? Is he Bob Kane’s Batman? Frank Miller’s Batman? Jeph Loeb’s Batman? SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT BATMAN, already! Jesus. But really, that’s just a minor quibble. It doesn’t explain why I was merely meh about this book.

Lina and Hades also do a lot of the I-love-him/her- but-I-don’t-deserve-him/her bullshit. Lina wants Hades, but she’s afraid that if she gets close to him, she’ll fall in love with him, and she has to return to her world in six months. Hades wants Lina, but he’s afraid that she’s just like the other Goddesses who’ll just toy with his affection and cast him aside once she’s done with him. TALK TO EACH OTHER, GODDAMN IT. As everyone who reads this blog knows, I hate that shit. I think it’s very junior high and stupid. If you love each other or find yourself attracted to each other, talk about it. Do something, for God’s sake. I hate it when the characters moon about each other and beat around the bush like assholes. It’s stupid and overdone. I really expected more from the writer who gave me the gutsy Lady Rhiannon neé Shannon from Goddess by Mistake. She knew what she wanted, when she wanted it, and she went after it. That was awesome. I adored her I’m a Woman Hear Me Roar moments.

What really saved this book for me is Hades. When he fell for Persephone neé Lina, it’s just a magical, beautiful thing. He tries to woo her, but he’s never wooed anyone before, so he’s a little clumsy about it. He says the wrong things, he’s shy around her, and you can tell that he really wants to show her that she means the universe to him, but he is afraid because she might spurn him. He takes her on romantic walks, gives her gifts, and most importantly, he listens to her. When the BIG MISUNDERSTANDING comes (yes, there’s one of those. Sigh.), he overreacts a little, but it’s understandable because he feels hurt and betrayed. He gets over it, though, and sets out to woo Lina again. I tell ya, I never thought of Hades as a yummy guy, but Ms. Cast did a really good job with him. I wish she would have given him a stronger counterpart, though, instead of a Barbie doll like Lina.

All the ingredients for me to love this book are present: an older female lead (I hate simpering virgins), a truly dark hero (the darkest of them all, in fact), Greek mythology, and body switching. As usual, Ms. Cast has seamlessly (and knowledgeably) woven Greek mythology into the story, and it worked! Good job, chick! I was primed, prepared to love this book, but I couldn’t. I don’t know what it is exactly, but unlike Goddess By Mistake, it didn’t captivate me. In fact, I found myself setting it down several times and doing something else. When I picked it up again, it was a chore to read through. I don’t know why I didn’t like this book and it really bothers me. Candy is right about the cover, though. It is exquisite.

This entry was posted on Sunday, July 31st, 2005 at 6:57 pm and is filed under Books, Grade: B, Romance: Paranormal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.