I think the leg that this man is nuzzling belongs to a corpse. I know it’s still all tanned and shit, but maybe he just finished killing her. I don’t know why I think that, but for some reason, this guy just doesn’t look trustworthy to me. Or… maybe that’s a prosthetic leg. Maybe his date threatened to leave, so he yanked off her prosthetic leg and told her that he will throw the leg into the fireplace if she left him.

Also “Chicks in Charge”, huh? Okay, so she’s his boss. Maybe he snapped one day, barged into her office, shoved her to the floor, yanked off her prosthetic leg, and threatened to beat her over the head with it if she didn’t provide him with better medical insurance.

Okay, so it’s probably not that. Maybe he’s some competitive executive type and she’s his boss, but he’s got better ideas than she does. And he’ll save the company. Oh, and she really wants to be conquered.

So when is Blaze going to come out with a “Chicks with Dicks” line?

I remember when I first saw S7VEN and it was that scene where Morgan Freeman, Brad Pitt, and Kevin Spacey were standing around in that field and then the Fed-Ex guy comes with a box and Brad Pitt opens the box and it was Gwyneth Paltrow’s head inside. I remember bolting up from my chair in the movie theater, whooping triumphantly, then being collectively shushed by scandalized moviegoers. I was so absurdly happy at that moment that I still smile sometimes when I think about it. I don’t know why looking at this picture made me remember that.

Anyway, “a little taste of heaven and a one way ticket to hell!”, huh? I wonder if she cross-promotes with Expedia. Hmm. This broad looks like a cross between Gwynnie and Locklear, but more Locklear, really. I think it’s kind of hot that she’s holding the gun like that, all protruding from her crotch and phallic-like. I wonder if that means anything. Is she hooker who just finished a job and she brought out the gun because she feels that homeboy behind her is about to confess that he’s a cop?

‘Cause he’s totally a cop. Look at him, with his short-sleeved button-down shirt and ugly tie. He’s even rubbing his neck like he knows he’s about to be in big trouble because he’s about to confess something to her that she won’t like. Like he’s a cop.

Who knew that the doofy-looking dad from Stuart Little could be uber-hot? I’m serious about this. Look at this man and tell me he doesn’t ooze sex appeal like Tara Reid’s stankgina oozes pus? As the Vicoden crunching, cane-utilizing, cranky, mysoginistic, misantrophe Dr. Gregory House on the Fox’s surprise hit (shit, I was surprised. Weren’t you? This is the same network who turns shit out like John Doe. What is it, you ask? Exactly!), Hugh Laurie plays the good doctor like he’s Dr. Perry Cox’s evil twin brother, which would be apt due to House’s penchant for melodramatic soap opera. As much as I love John C. McGinley, however, I would take Laurie’s House over him any day. His barbs are more wicked, his quips come faster and sharper, and the guy’s sarcasm is so biting that I’m surprised it doesn’t get a starring credit of its own. Ah, House can mistreat me any way he wants, if you know what I mean and I think you do (if you don’t, you’re either retarded or I’m really bad with sexual innundoes).

Grade: A

“Is she special?”

“I think she’s going to break my heart.”

“How exciting!”

This is one of my most favorite books of all time and I can’t even count how many times I’ve already read it in the past, so you’ll have to excuse some fangirl gushing on my part. When I read this book, I was still in high school and it was the one that got me hooked on books with vampires in them. After this, I read Linda Lael Miller’s Vampire Valerian series, briefly considered Amanda Ashley and Christine Feehan, but after reading a couple of those books, immediately vowed to myself that I will never read a book with vampire in it ever again. It was Laurell K. Hamilton who got me reading about vampires again, but I’m weird and bitter about it now, and really, that’s a story for another time. The vampire in this book is not one of those brooding, sulky, tortured types screaming “Why, God, why?” at the heavens, but rather an ordinary young woman working an ordinary job at an insurance agency who was one day chosen as a potential companion for a bored vampire. There’s our girl, hanging out, minding her own business, and before she knows it some dude with seriously bad breath is sucking on her neck, forcing her to drink his blood, and the next morning, she wakes up underneath a dumpster with a burnt hand and a shit load of money. Does our girl panic and whine and act like an all-around nincompoop? Hell, no. She finds a bag for the money (she doesn’t hesitate to keep it), takes a bus, and goes home to wash off the dumpster stink. Awesome.
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