Seriously, who do I have to kill for a sexual encounter with this man? I mean, sure, he looks all gross now and I think he might have some mud in his hair, but he really does clean up nicely. In fact, I think I’d even take him looking like this. I mean, sure, I’d have to put plastic sheets on the bed so it wouldn’t get messed up… then I’d have to make sure that Tim is out of town when the encounter happens, but seeing as I told him that he is allowed to have sex with Monica Belluci if he ever got the chance to, I don’t think he’ll mind if I had some nasty, dirty, downright disgusting sex with Scott Speedman. Should the opportunity arise, that is. It’s only fair, right? The kind of sex I want with this man is the kind that would land us both in the ER and get ourselves hospitalized for at least a week. There’s going to be punching, biting, slapping, scratching… Man, I should really stop reading Frank Miller’s graphic novels. Anyway, what do I have to do to get this man to come and hunt me down for some wild, outright violent, triple X monkey love (that you fuckers can only read about in the BDSM section of Ellora’s Cave)? If anyone knows, please tell me. Like maybe you have some blackmail material you can use on him to get him to have sex with me? Ha ha, that was a joke. Only joking! I do not want you doing anything felonious on my account! My feminine wiles and preternatural good-looks should do the trick. Anyway, if it ever happens, I promise to post the video on this site. I wouldn’t be a coward about it and film it in the dark, either. We’re talking really good lighting (and Teddy Pendergrass‘ musical stylings prominently playing in the background. Turn off the lights… Light a candle… That shit is hot, yo.)! Help a sista out, homies!

From Our Pal From The Other Side of the Pond, Spikedru:

I love this one. His man-boobies have glistening nips. His abs are rippling almost as much as his hair. And his bewildered eyes and slightly parted mouth suggest he has an IQ in the low 40s. How else do you explain the strange metal bands over his biceps? I mean, in terms of protection, if he’s a big manly warrior, doesn’t it make more sense to put the protective gear over, you know, your major organs? Although we can’t see where his hands are…

I’m very amused that these guys always look like Pantene Pro-V commercial models. Or maybe Suave. “We’ll bet you can’t guess which one uses the cheaper shampoo.”

Damn… I usually leave the celeb-snarking to my funnier friends, Elisa and Michael K, but this is just really fucked up. What the hell is wrong with this man? Doesn’t he realize that it is his 21 year old daughter that he is ogling? Look at that shit! He’s not even trying to be slick or anything, like the little perverts in my Sociology class! God, this man is so gross that he makes my skin crawl. In fact, this picture makes me want to pluck out my own eyes and soak them in bleach, but I’m afraid that wouldn’t be enough, because the memory of it will still be on my mind! I might need a complete brain wipe for this shit. It’s creepy enough that he probably ogles young girls on a regular basis, while telling his friends what he’d like to do to them, but HIS OWN GODDAMN FLESH AND BLOOD? Poor Nick Lachey. No wonder his marriage to this creep’s other borderline retarded daughter didn’t work out.

Thanks to The Superficial for the pic.

I don’t even know what’s going on here. Where is this guy? Is that a fake backdrop behind him? What is he leaning against? Is that a bed? Is that a stucco wall? Maybe he’s in the balcony of his “beach front” property and behind him is supposed to be a “sunset”? Whatever, it looks fake. In fact, this dude looks fake. His pose has a forced non-chalance to it. He’s trying to look cool, like he doesn’t really care, but you know he’s really thinking, “You bitches better be shooting me at my best angle” or “Awww yeah, check me out, this is definitely my good side”. Ah, the life of a cover model. After the shoot, he’ll go home, bathe in some lilac scented sea salt bath and sip chamomile tea.

Hmm.. come to think of it, that sounds pretty damned good right about now.