Seriously, who do I have to kill for a sexual encounter with this man? I mean, sure, he looks all gross now and I think he might have some mud in his hair, but he really does clean up nicely. In fact, I think I’d even take him looking like this. I mean, sure, I’d have to put plastic sheets on the bed so it wouldn’t get messed up… then I’d have to make sure that Tim is out of town when the encounter happens, but seeing as I told him that he is allowed to have sex with Monica Belluci if he ever got the chance to, I don’t think he’ll mind if I had some nasty, dirty, downright disgusting sex with Scott Speedman. Should the opportunity arise, that is. It’s only fair, right? The kind of sex I want with this man is the kind that would land us both in the ER and get ourselves hospitalized for at least a week. There’s going to be punching, biting, slapping, scratching… Man, I should really stop reading Frank Miller’s graphic novels. Anyway, what do I have to do to get this man to come and hunt me down for some wild, outright violent, triple X monkey love (that you fuckers can only read about in the BDSM section of Ellora’s Cave)? If anyone knows, please tell me. Like maybe you have some blackmail material you can use on him to get him to have sex with me? Ha ha, that was a joke. Only joking! I do not want you doing anything felonious on my account! My feminine wiles and preternatural good-looks should do the trick. Anyway, if it ever happens, I promise to post the video on this site. I wouldn’t be a coward about it and film it in the dark, either. We’re talking really good lighting (and Teddy Pendergrass‘ musical stylings prominently playing in the background. Turn off the lights… Light a candle… That shit is hot, yo.)! Help a sista out, homies!

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