So Daniel Craig is the new Bond. Whatever, Broccoli! What about Eric Bana? What about Clive Owen? Those dudes are English… okay, Clive Owen is, but they’re both smoking hot and a lot cooler than Daniel Craig who played frickin’ Jemmy in that Masterpiece Theatre showing of Moll Flanders. Does anyone even care about James Bond, any more?Eh, I got my own shit to worry about. I have a five page paper due on Sunday and haven’t started yet. What’s the problem, you ask? By tomorrow, I won’t have a computer any more because the stupid movers are coming in tomorrow to pack up my shit. I’ve got midterms today that I’m going to totally bomb because I never paid attention in class, another 2 pages due on Monday… man, school sucks. I should just quit and become a hobo. Have I mentioned that I’M NOT FINISHED MOVING?

Oh, dude, don’t eat it! Do you want to end up like this lady? Just look at the smug look on that woman’s face! How can you eat anything given to you by a woman looking that smug? It’s like she’s thinking, “Heh-heh-heh… eat it, sucker! It’s only laced with enough rat poison to kill the entire cast of American Tail! Didn’t I tell you that I’d get back at you for making me sleep you in exchange for you financing my cupcake-making business after you were the one who ruined it in the first place because I was dating your brother and you didn’t think I was good enough for him? Did you actually think that I fell in love with you after Our One Night Together that resulted in the current bun in my oven? Fool!” But heck, maybe it’s laced with powdered sleeping pills, instead. After he falls asleep, she’ll tie him up to a bed and smash his ankles with a sledgehammer. Good times!

ETA: I couldn’t stop myself. I had to buy it. I have to know what made the editor or the writer title this book “The Cupcake Queen”.

Is he trying to eat her nose here? That is just the most awkward lip-lock I have ever seen! It’s like he just closed his eyes and decided to go for it, but like a nervous seventh grader, he’s just trying to chew her face off. The poor female cover model! I bet she’s trying very hard not show disgust on her face, but she’s really thinking, “Oh, God, I can’t believe this fool is slobbering all over my face. I can’t feel spit on my cheek. And ugh! Did he have French onion soup for lunch or something?” Dude, this totally looks like an awkward first date kiss. Maybe he was just so nervous that he missed her face entirely, but he looks like he’s trying to lick her eyeball.

And I don’t know what homeboy is going for in this second picture, but it looks like one of them cheek-to-cheek European kisses. Maybe he’s also whispering to her, “Ma cherie, you smell like freshly churned butter” or some shit like that. Anyway, it’s too bad that we can’t see the female cover model’s face, but it would be totally awesome if she turned around, and we saw that half of our face is totally robotic and she’s like a cyborg and shit like the Terminator. Maybe she was sent from the future to kill him, so he would stop spreading STDs to the women of Continental America and Europe. He totally looks like a slut.

ETA: Maybe I did mean “nose hair”. Thanks, Doug!

From my buddy Spikedru:

If it isn’t bad enough that the cover is a man/child cover (calm down, bam, I know how they freak you), the subtitle reads “When diaster turns to passion”. And then there is that pose: how many ways can we say “this is wrong”?

Oh, this is more than wrong. This has to be illegal. For the love of Hecate, it’s a man… nose to nose with a goddamn child and that is more than “fatherly fondness” that I see on his face, my friend. Where on earth is this child’s mother? What is this world coming to when a woman would pick up a book with a cover like this and still think it’s a romance novel? It’s not a world I want to live in, my friend, I’ll tell you that much. This is wrong! It’s not sexy! It’s not hot! It doesn’t inspire to go out out there and find my true love! This… I… I have no words. I’m sorry. I have go to drown my disgust and shame in vodka now.