Why do these damn baby covers persist on torturing me? It’s a goddamn baby in a saggy diaper, for Fuck’s sake! There isn’t even a shirtless bohunk himbo to ease the pain a bit this time. Not that the shirtless bohunk himbo ever really eases the pain, but it helps remind me that what I’m reading is, in fact, a romance novel and not a guide on “how to leave sharp pointy things laying around on the floor so that your infant baby trips and impales himself on it” (thanks Robyn!). Where are his parents, anyway? Shouldn’t they be sucking each other’s tonsils in the background or something? Have I mentioned how much I hate baby covers?

Thanks for the nightmare, Amber!

Tim wants to know if there’s a vaccine for this because we’re planning NOT to have kids and it would suck when we’re forty years old (but still hot AND child-free) and hanging out in the Bahamas if Tim suddenly turned to me and said, “You know what? I think we should have a baby.” Fuck that! If Tim ever got afflicted with “fatherhood fever”, maybe we can get a dog that resembles a panda or something. That would be awesome. I mean, I don’t hate children or anything children are nice and all, but they poop and smell bad and bug you for money and food… you know? And I have two sisters who will provide my mother with grand-children, so really, I’m off the hook. Whoo!

Anyway, what is wrong with this man? Does he have a goiter or something? His neck looks huge swollen! And look at the fake smile on his face, like he’s thinking, “Oh, you little fucker… you just peed all over my new Armani suit… keep smiling, Jake, the camera’s still snapping.” Oddly enough, the baby looks happy, like he’s thinking, “Heh. I just totally pooped. Sucker.”

Cover courtesy of Amber!

Last week, I saw an episode of House where (spoiler!) Cameron gets high on Meth, invites Chase over for some sexin’, and tears his clothes off before he could even say, “Hey, Cameron, you’re high. This isn’t a good idea! We’re colleagues, for God’s sake, and have to work together!” Anyway, before that episode, I thought that Chase was kind of cute, but now that I’ve seen it, I think he’s even hotter! Why? Because he fucked a co-worker while she’s high and completely not herself! That’s so caddish and yet… kind of hot. Hear me out, people: she’s the one who invited him over! And when he tried to protest, she distinctly said, “Oh, come on, Chase, don’t turn into a good guy on me now.” House is right. Chase is a minx!

Anyway, that episode has nothing to do with this cover except I think that’s Jesse Spencer! Look at the hair! It’s uncanny! That’s Dr. Robert Chase’s floppy, David Cassidyish hair! And he kind of looks like him, too, down to the ugly shirt that Dr. Chase seems to favor. Yeah… what’s with that? I bet the girl is jealous because the Chase-wannabe is prettier than she is. And also, I think she’s a man.

Cover courtesy of the gorgeous Amber.

From my Homie Spikedru:

It’s the return of zombie girl. And the hairy guy looks like he’s just stepped out of the shower like Bobby in Dallas only instead of the girl waking up and sayin “oooh, it was all a dream!”, he’s going “Who the hell are you, lady? What are you doing in my bed? Why am I holding this really tiny present over my groin area?” Was the cover artist making some sly comment on the size of the model’s package? Also, would it kill him to wax that chest?

Oh Lord. I’m sorry, but I can’t get over how hairy this man is. Don’t male models usually wax their chests? Like routinely? He really does look confused, though. But I think it’s because he was expecting some hot lovin’ from this woman and he thought that once he got out of the shower, she’d be all excited and shit for him, but instead she looks fucking high on something. Like she’s watching a light show, while rolling on E. Hell, I’d rather do that than roll around in the bed with Mr. McHairy-Greasy over there.

(Warning: Upcoming Rant)

Ahem… Excuse me, sir, but FUCK YOU! What the hell do you mean, at YOUR convenience? Who the hell carries that child for nine months? Who the hell throws up every morning, noon, and night on her first trimester? Who the hell gets the swollen ankles? Who the hell has to push a goddamn bowling ball through a hole the size of the head of a pin? I’ve never been pregnant before (and I don’t intend to ever become pregnant), but I KNOW for a fact that the baby comes out at NOBODY’s convenience. I’ve heard stories of women giving birth in elevators and supermarkets and is that at ANYBODY’s convenience? NO! WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS TITLE MEAN, ANYWAY? Does he say when and where the baby comes out? Does he say the magic word and the little booger comes flying out? DOES HE?

(END rant)

Is it me or does the female model look like Catherine Zeta Jones?

Cover courtesy of the delightful Amber.