… if you’re easily tempted by stripper-grams who look like Bobby Ewing.

Man, I’ve seen some pretty skeevy covers, but something about this really bothers me… Oh, yeah, it’s this whole “your momma is not home, so you and I can play, little girl” vibe that I’m getting from him. He’s like the younger, nasty gigolo guy that an older woman marries and brings home where she has a hot, nubile, 16 year old daughter who is just now experiencing some sexual awakenings. Man, I just made myself vomit in my mouth by typing that. BUTTON UP YOUR SHIRT, asshole, what’s wrong with you? And the furniture and decor in the background that looks like Kirstie Alley chewed up Pier 1 Imports and regurgitated it? Totally confirms my theory that this tool is just a no-good gigolo to an older woman. Ugh, I feel like plucking out my eyes and soaking them in bleach overnight. Thanks, Spikedru, I thought we were friends!

Anyway, my sexy ass is going to be in the Philippines for three weeks, so I’ll see you all when I get back, all tanned and beautiful. ENJOY YOUR HOLIDAYS, bitches!

Grade: B

(Reviewer’s note: You really have to read the previous book for any of this to make sense to you. This is very much NOT a stand-alone. In fact, if you haven’t read the first book, I implore you not to read this review. It’s very much spoilerrific.)

There was a line in this book that I really, really liked and gave me the good chills: “He stared at her face like he wanted to peel it off and take it home with him”. You know those romance novels where the hero and the heroine don’t think of anything else but each other and to hell with everyone else, to the point where they’re thoroughly obsessed with each other? Well, this one is it. Rowan’s every waking thought is Delgado and Delgado’s every waking thought is Rowan. Well, Rowan thinks about revenge sometimes, like, “I should kill all those bad government people because they killed my dad and best friend and stuff”, but the reason behind it is really more like, “Oh, it’s my fault that they’re dead. Curse this power of mine that no one else has and because of that, I’m really special and everyone wants me!” There are some creepy elements here, like when the Big Bad Sigma tell Rowan what they really want to do with her—made my skin crawl, dude—and some genuinely tense scenes interspersed with Rowan: “Does Justin still love me?” and Delgado: “Oh, no, she’s too good for me! I don’t deserve her!” What begins as intense between Delgado and Rowan kind of dissolves into teenage-angst whining, but thankfully, there are some really awesome bang-bang-shoot-‘em-up scenes where the heroine (thank the heavens!) is not afraid to pick up a gun and actually use it. My main issue with this book, though, is that Rowan starts out as a kickass, take-no-prisoners kind of gal, but once Delgado was near her again, she reverts back to the whiny little girl-baby from the previous book. Rowan, I think Delgado might be bad for you, sweetie.
(more…)

Girlfriend is experiencing
that “not so fresh” feeling

From my buddy Ann:

Sigh. I can’t believe Bam is making me guest blog. I don’t read romance novels. And I swear the girl on this cover has hemorrhoidal crotch rot. Either that or she’s thinking “why did I sleep with this tool, I can’t believe he gave me gonorrhea!”

Meanwhile he’s thinking “damn bitch, it’s just gonnorhea. Oh, and your hair is ridiculous”.

Is he supposed to be her “Lord Protector”? I think she could kick his ass. Or is SHE the Lord’s protector because he’s a foppish little pansy? I’m so confused. Oh, I think I get it: she’s a kickass bodyguard who falls in love with her charge! You know, like The Bodyguard, except she’s the Kevin Costner and he’s Whitney Houston, but without the crack addiction and Bobby Brown’s finger in his ass.

Thanks so much to Amber for finding this cover! Oh and Bam, Bobby Brown is not classic R&B, not even New Edition.

Bam’s a violent violent woman, and is holding my nipples hostage until I post for her. Dear Cowboy Man, did you know constant violent pressure makes your junk go blind? How are you going to bring another child into this world if you’re sterile? On second thought, any man that tries to entice me into his saddle with a creepy baby should not be allowed animate sperm. Why is that kid staring at me with its creepy anime eyes? Am I high? Is that child Rosemary’s Baby, and now the two of them are gonna lasso me into their creepy ranch and eat my brains?

This cover’s from Amber. Sorry, Amber, Bam’s teaching me how to swim by tossing me in the ocean. It’s fucking freezing out here and I think something just bit my leg.

What the fuck is wrong with this guy’s tits?

Oh… nice cowboy hat, asshole.

ETA: IS THAT A FUCKING GHOST BEHIND HIM?

From my friend Ann: “I think it’s a zombie and she’s out to eat his man-testicles. She’s not after his brains, that’s for damn sure.”