I am currently reading The Dark Queen by the same author and enjoying it so far, so I’m really looking forward to reading this sequel. When I perused the Amazon reviews for this book, I found this:

With the cover and placement of this book, you would think this would be a great historical novel, along the lines of Philippa Gregory’s, but it belongs in the bodice-ripping romance section.

And she gave it a 1-star. She was tricked by the cover, y’all, tricked! I don’t get it, man. People have been making fun of romance novel covers for years, but when the publishers slap on a classy cover like this, the haters get pissed, crying “fraud” or something. Aren’t romance novels allowed to have nice covers? I have nothing against man-titty, but it’s really nice to see a cover like this for a change. Honestly, people, that’s why you gotta read the first fifteen pages of a book before you buy it. Don’t commit unless you’re absolutely sure you’re going to like what’s in it. This thing is $13.95, for God’s sake! You wanna spend almost fourteen bucks on something you gonna whine about later?

Besides, I’ve read books by this author. None of them are bodice-rippers in the vein of Rosemary Rogers. Dicks.

This is a public service announcement for assholes who judge books by its cover. And that includes me.

Umm… let’s see. Leopard print underwear, stiletto-heeled wrap-around fuck me pumps, a half naked man who has a woman with her legs wrapped around his hips… Damn it, I wouldn’t be able to read this book on the bus at all. These new cover artists are just getting more and more daring. Before you know it, these people will just be downright naked. I wouldn’t mind if they were, but usually, I sit next to a nice old lady on the bus and if I were carrying this, she would probably look at me as though I were a dirty, dirty whore. No wonder my mom keeps telling me to go back to church.

What’s the deal here, anyway? Maybe she’s a zombie and she’s eating his face off. That would be hilarious. Or maybe her vagina has teeth and they’re gnawing through his stomach muscles as they stand there. I wonder if he’s secretly thinking to himself, “Man, when I yank this bitch off, I bet there’ll be a suction sound.” Eww.

Grade: C-

Damn, I just read this book last night—finished it in three hours, a new record!—and I can’t even remember the name of the witless heroine who pissed me off every five pages. I can, however, remember the name of the hero because when I stumbled across this book at B&N, I looked over the back blurb, saw the name of the hero, called my friends over, and we all had a good laugh. Oh, lord, every time I think about it, tears glisten in my eyes. It was just so damned ridiculous that I had to pick it up and buy it… especially since the hero is half white tiger, half snow leopard. Yeah, you read that right. He’s a Tigard. It’s only, like, my favorite animal right now. Surprisingly enough, I had a good time reading this story. I’d had three beers by the time I was finished, but I gotta say, it was a blast. Our heroine is Marguerite… Something Vaguely French… Goudeaut, I think? Oh, it doesn’t matter. Anyway, she’s one of them poor little rich girls whose Daddy doesn’t love her none, so she tries to do everything he wants of her, even go to law school. I’m not really sure how this bimbo made it to law school because she seems… addled in the brainpan (no offense to my mentally handicapped readers out there. I got nuthin’ but love for ya). Oh, that’s right, her daddy’s a senator. She kind of reminded me of those airheads who starred in those C-listed 80s films, like an Ami Dolenz type, you know? She hangs out with these jerkwad rich boys and you gotta wonder, if she’s so damned nice and perfect and smart, why does she hang out with these dicks?
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I was on campus today, waiting for the shuttle to take me to the parking lot where my car was when this kid came up to me and asked me how long I’d been waiting for the shuttle. At the time, I was reading The Dark Queen by Susan Carroll, so I looked up from my book and said, “About four pages.” There was a confused look on his face and he replied, “Huh?” I sighed and repeated, “About four pages. It’s been that long.” He finally saw the book in my hand and understood what the hell I was talking about. After a few minutes, he said, “I guess that’s how we measure time on this campus.”

I looked up from my book again and said, “Yep.” I was halfway through the fifth page when the shuttle finally arrived. I got in, got off at the parking lot, walked to my car, and drove home.

Okay, so it wasn’t a particularly clever story. I’m not funny all the time. I’m not your monkey! Leave me alone.

Grade: D

In theory, this book should have been kickass. I mean, we’ve got two leads who were forcibly married when they were children (to each other) and now that they’re all grown up, the female is a celebrate London actress and the male is a powerful marquis who wants the female to be his mistress, without knowing that she is actually his wife. Add to that a scheming former mistress who pretends she’s pregnant just to trap the marquis and a pretty powerful supporting male lead (sequel bait) who plays the heroine’s boss and is all deliciously broody and yummy, and THIS BOOK SHOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME. But it’s not awesome. It’s not even good. In fact, it’s pretty frickin’ dull. How could a book with a ridiculously evil mistress who is practically cackling as she schemes against the saintly sweet heroine be so damned boring? At first the book had me pretty engaged. I mean, the heroine is all feisty and determined, while the hero is all appropriately bitter and rakish, but then… it all just falls apart. At the end of the book, I just felt kind of gypped.
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