Grade: B

Hmm… a contemporary vampire romance that makes nada-zero-zilch reference to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you say? I’m in! Not that I’m not fond of the vapid vampire-slaying bimbo, but for once I wanted to read a vampire romance that didn’t invoke that show as though it were the beginning and end of all vampire mythology. This book is even blissfully free of supposed big-shit tough guys who sound as if they’re high school valley girls. Oh, there are big-shit tough guys abound, but their lingo is more in the vein of white faux-street thugs who have watched too much Yo! MTV Raps. To put it bluntly, this book—and its sequels—are just like the Kenyon’s Dark-Hunter series except without the annoying mythology clusterfuck… and oh, no Acheron! Whoo-hoo!

This book is the beginning of the Black Dagger Brotherhood series and stars Wrath—stop giggling, bitches—the one and only pureblood vampire left in existence and the king of all vampirekind. His “brothers” include Rhage, Vishous, Phury, Zsadist, Tohrment… and Darius. Oh, and because Darius doesn’t have a ridiculous faggoth name, he doesn’t get his own book (or does he?) and receives the dubious honor of being the first one to die. Anyway, these tough-talkin’, leather-wearin’, hardcore rap listenin’, non-Buffy worshippin’ thugs are the only ones standing between the vampirekind and those who seek to destroy them. Kind of like the Dark-Hunters and Daimons, you say? Hmm… I don’t know what you’re talking about, sirrah! As for the “brother” Zsadist being the crazy, unstable one that nobody trusts and want to put down like a rabid dog? He doesn’t remind me of Zarek at all. If you think different, then you must be smoking something that you’re not sharing!

This brings us to our heroine Beth. She is the half-vampire, half-human daughter of Darius, the brother who is the first to bite the dust. Before he died, he begged Wrath to look after Beth and help her through her Transformation, which is a rather painful process that turns a human into a vampire. Unfortunately, Beth is completely unaware of all of this. She grew up with in foster homes and never knew her father. Now that she’s turning twenty-five (which is about the time the Transformation starts), she’s got dead-end job at a cheapo newspaper with a lecher for a boss and even though she’s drop-dead gorgeous, doesn’t have a boyfriend. This is because she is completely and totally frigid. The frigidness is a side effect of the whole vampire thing, but since she doesn’t know about any of that, she just assumes that she’s a weirdo-loser. One night, on her way home from work, she is assaulted by a couple of punk kids who attempt to rape her. Beth manages to get away on her own, but the incident leaves her paranoid and freaked, which is why when a big, hunk of a man in black leather comes sniffing around her, she immediately takes him in and begs him to have sex with her. Wait, what?!?

Oh, don’t worry, you guys… it’s not because Beth is a big dumb slut. It’s because her body is going through the Transformation and her once non-existent sexual urges are now on overdrive. This causes Beth to lose a few thousand brain cells as well as the ability to understand logic or reason. Beth the Frigid Popsicle now just wants to have sex all the time. Sex, sex, sex! Wrath, who promised to take care of Beth, is only too happy to oblige, of course. Character development? What’s that? Who gives a shit about that crap when there’s lots of sex to be had? Whoo-hoo, sex!

Wrath, who at this point is too busy having sex with Beth to pull his head out of his own ass, doesn’t even tell her that he already has a wife! Oh, that’s beautiful. That totally reminds me of the first season of Grey’s Anatomy when everybody thought that McDreamy was, like, the best boyfriend ever because he’s all sweet and perfect and stuff, only he doesn’t tell Mere that he’s married until his wife shows up. Oh, the shenanigans! Those were good times. And I think that’s what really bothered me about the relationship between Beth and Wrath. Even after Beth finds out about Wrath’s wife (mate), she doesn’t tear him a new asshole for it. Does he literally fuck her brains out? Because if I had a boyfriend and that fucking bastard didn’t tell my ass that he was married, his bloody balls would be on the floor before he even knew what was happening, ya feel me? Luckily for them, Wrath’s wife conveniently finds a lover in Beth’s male friend (and former potential love interest). Problem solved!

What cracks my shit about this book are the villains. They’re called Lessers and were once humans who were recruited by a shadowy, psycho type named Omega. Once recruited, their hearts and souls are removed, and they become these albino weirdos whose sole purpose is to hunt down the vampires and kill them. Oh, and get this: the front for their entire operation are a bunch of martial arts studios and the new recruits are usually teenage boys, so they’re really nothing more than Karate Kid villains. They are totally Cobra Kai! The guy who tries to rape Beth in the beginning? He later on gets recruited to become a Lesser and his name is Billy Riddle. If that’s not a Karate Kid villain name, I don’t know what is. That shit is tight, true?

Listen, I don’t care if this entire series rips off Kenyon’s Dark-Hunter saga (wait, I kind of care… that shit’s fucked up) because I think J.R. Ward does it better. Her characters don’t rely on magic or Mr. Deus Ex Machina a.k.a. Acheron, but on guns and steel and grit. Sure, they’re a big circle of gay, just like the Dark-Hunters, but I think if it all came down to it, J.R. Ward’s Black Dagger boys would beat the shit out of Kenyon’s Dark-Hunters. Why do I say that, you ask? First of all, these guys carry hardcore guns and maximum firepower to back up their ninja stars, while the DHs only use swords and shit to look cooler (you can’t look cool if you’re dead… oh, wait, Acheron can just bring you back!). Secondly, the Black Dagger boys listen to Cypress Hill, Jay-Z, and motherfuckin’ Dre, while those DH pussies probably listen to Avril Lavigne and think they’re totally punk. Lastly, while the DH pussies are watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the Black Dagger boys (and I) are watching MTV2 to catch Yo! MTV Raps and Headbangers’ Ball. Oh, and they use ninja stars. Fucking ninja stars, ya feel me?

There is nothing new in this book that hasn’t already been explored (and beaten to death with a stick) by Kenyon, Feehan, Sizemore, or even Katie MacAlister. What makes this story special is the “heart” behind it. It is obvious that J.R. Ward is excited to tell this tale, even if everyone else has done it before her, because she thinks she’s got a new angle. Her characters are bigger, angrier, bloodier, and just plain scarier. That guy Zsadist? Scared the crap out of me. I hope Ward doesn’t pussy out when it comes time to tell his story like Kenyon did with Zarek. I mean, these guys are just a lot of fun to read about and the creepy old man butler? Kind of adorable. I’m definitely looking forward to reading the rest of the series and I think y’all should give it a shot. But like my buddy Sybil says, just ignore the names, huh?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 14th, 2006 at 7:24 pm and is filed under Books, Grade: B, Romance: Paranormal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.