Grade: C-

You want to write a contemporary vampire romance with a “comedic twist”? Here’s the formula: Take a big city bimbo, turn her into a vampire, have her run around the city like a decapitated chicken, stick a broody Anne Rice creep into the mix, and voila! This book has all that and more, including the stupidest heroine I’ve read about this year, but at least she knows it. Basically, she gets mad at the hero, does something stupid that almost gets her killed, then berates herself for it for several pages. Add to that a hero that has very little interaction with the heroine, some truly annoying secondary characters, and what we’ve got is something that sucks (he-he) more than Davidson’s Undead series (which is at least kind of funny). This book? Not funny. The heroine’s “antics”? Not funny.

But this is a debut novel, so I’m going to take it easy and not be a See-You-Next-Tuesday about it. I mean, even though the storyline made me want to grit my teeth a couple of times, the writing itself isn’t bad. The author utilizes a conversational, easygoing tone that makes the prose very readable and doesn’t clutter it with a bunch of name brands and pop culture references in an attempt to make the heroine sound hip. My main problem with this novel is that the heroine is a complete moron. She spends half the story whining about being a vampire, trying to convince herself that she’s dreamed up the whole thing, and the next half, she does nothing but antagonize the hero and act like an all-around idiot, screaming for her independence one minute, and crying for help in the next. There is so very little variation from this theme that frankly, it got tedious for a while.

Anyway, our heroine is a late twenty-something “modern woman” named Sarah Dearly. She is an admin assistant and doesn’t make much money, but that doesn’t stop her from shopping whenever she’s depressed (how original!). Basically, you’ve encountered her a hundred times before if you ever read Red Dress Ink. One day, she goes on a blind date set up by an annoyingly cheerful friend, and this date turns out to be a vampire who bites her because he is desperate for a mate. Sara escapes the loon only to run into a bunch of psychos disguised as vampire hunters who are really just creeps who get off on killing those who are different from them (insert: blacks, gays, witches, and other persecuted parties here). The psychos murder her date and are about to attack Sarah, but she gets away only to run into a man in the act of trying to kill himself by jumping off a bridge. The man turns out to be a vampire himself, helps Sarah to get rid of the psycho killers, and they escape together.

The suicidal vampire is Thierry de Bennicoeur, a six hundred year old dude, who is tired of living and just wants to end his existence… blah-blah-blah. Let’s just say that with all his whining and brooding, he wouldn’t be out of place in an Anne Rice novel. He is also the most boring hero I’ve ever come across… like, ever! He shuffles, mutters, grunts, insults the heroine occasionally to show how much he cares… and that’s it. He doesn’t do anything. He has about twenty lines and we see him maybe six times, tops! And I know I complain when the hero is too… alpha, but this guy… I don’t know, he’s just there! He has no presence, no life (he-he), no… extra stuff that distinguishes him from the other men in the book. He could have been some dude who is NOT the hero. He is NOT larger than life. Bonnie Rait would so not sing about him. No wonder he wants to kill himself.

Speaking of heroes, there is a secondary character who should have been the hero and thankfully, infuses the story with much needed testosterone. His name is Michael Quinn and he is a vampire hunter with major daddy issues. As an act of retaliation, he is turned into a vampire by a bunch of Thierry’s thugs… oops. You know, I think that he is the only character in story who experiences real growth. I mean, he evolves from an angry, almost creepy young man who is full of hate and just wants to kill vampires, to a nice, sweet guy who eventually accepts his fate. All the while, of course, he is nursing a crush on Sarah (why does everyone want the bimbo heroine?). He’s still not quite alpha, but he’s got more of a presence than Thierry who is about as exciting as a wet towel. He woos Sarah, follows her around, makes out with her, and basically takes over everything a hero does in a romance novel. He even makes Sara coo and giggle when he kisses her and only the hero is supposed to be able to do that (snicker). Sure, he’s kind of creepy at first and sometimes he got on my nerves, but I preferred him over soggy, old Thierry.

There area couple of other secondary characters who stood out to me, mainly the “little person” vampire who falls in love with Sarah’s annoyingly cheerful friend, and whose only purpose is to antagonize the heroine. He cracked me up. A “little person” vampire! Come on, that shit is funny.

It is really unfortunate that the heroine is an annoying twat who does nothing but get herself in trouble and somehow get herself into situations that are just stupid and contrived. She and the “hero” have little interaction, and even when they do interact, virtually nothing happens between them. There is no hotness, no chemistry. I just don’t see their relationship going anywhere because I was never convinced that she feels anything for Thierry. Even till the last minute, she allows Quinn to stick his tongue down her throat (which is fine, but it really doesn’t help establish a connection between her and Thierry), and I got the feeling that what she feels for Thierry is more along the lines of a middle schooler in love with her teacher. I wouldn’t be surprised if within a few weeks of hanging out with her, Thierry would be back on that bridge trying to kill himself again.

The only thing commendable about this piece is the writing. It’s no Ernest Hemingway or anything, but the prose was entertaining and didn’t bore me. It’s lively and engaging. I wish that the character development of the hero and the heroine had been… I don’t know… existent? That way, I would have cared about what happened to them. As it is, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about any of the chracters and because of that, I’ll be hard-pressed to remember any of this by tomorrow. Oh, and just once, JUST ONCE, I would like to read about a vampire romance heroine who isn’t a brain-dead moron. Is that too much to ask?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 21st, 2006 at 8:00 pm and is filed under Books, Grade: C, Romance: Paranormal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.