Grade: D

Woo-hoo, another contemporary vampire romance novel! Only this one features a vampire heroine who faints at the sight of blood! That’s hilarity, I tell ya. Pure comic brilliance. Oh, and I’m being sarcastic, by the way. I’m bitchy like that. Anyway, I’ve read the other books in this series, one was Single White Vampire which featured a Meg Ryan type of heroine that made me want to plunge a screwdriver into my brain through my eye socket. The other was Love Bites, which I don’t remember very well, except it had a villain named Pudge who was just some weirdo who worshipped the hero, but the hero wouldn’t give him the time of day, so he snaps (kind of like what’s-his-name from the Incredibles). In those books, we encounter a sister of the Argoneau boys who is married to a psychologist named Greg. This entry in the series is really more like a prequel because it tells the story of how Greg and Lissiana get together. At the core of this book is a pretty cool idea, but the execution is marred by annoying secondary characters and the bullshit Barbie characterization of the heroine.

Lissiana Argoneau is a two hundred year old vampire who works at a homeless shelter for easy access to hobos because unlike other vampires, she can’t just bite into a blood bag. Lissi can’t stand the sight of the blood and if she were feeding from a bag, she would have to look at it. Because she is a blood-sucking creature of the night, this is a major problem. As it is, she can only feed directly from humans (which is a no-no) or wait till she’s asleep to feed because that is when her mother comes in to hook her up to an IV. Because she only drinks from hobos and crackwhores, she often comes home drunk or high, and her mother becomes desperate to find a cure for her phobia. The cure, however, comes in the form of Dr. Gregory Hewitt, a psychologist who just happens to be an expert on phobia. Instead of making an appointment with him like any other human would have done, Lissi’s mother kidnaps the poor guy, ties him up in Lissi’s bedroom, and leaves him there for Lissi to find. Why? Because we wouldn’t have a story otherwise, that’s why.

Man, based on that summary alone, doesn’t the book sound like it’s going to be hilarious? God knows it was why I picked it up. A vampire romance with no brooding jerk to rain all over the festivities? That’s a frickin’ gift from the paranormal romance gods, man! Unfortunately, Sands gives us a heroine is so pretty and so smart and so nice and so beloved by everyone that she’s about as exciting as a clump of seaweed. Besides her phobia of blood—which is kind of cute, I guess—there really is nothing else to her. In fact, if she were paired up with Thierry from Bitten and Smitten, I bet they would both die from boredom, but at least they would be uber-perfect together. They would be like… a black hole of fun or a vortex of suckitude.

Greg, on the other hand, is fun to read about. He is charming, sweet, and frickin’ unflappable! I mean, he wakes up tied to a bed, for God’s sake, and there are people referring to him as “dinner”! I’d be shitting my pants if I were him, but Greg remains cool and tries to make the best of everything. There is a scene where he is tied up and people coming and going from his room to talk to him while he’s trying to sleep, which reminded me of a scene from the Wedding Crashers (if you haven’t seen it, you’re missing out). In fact, I was half-expecting a crazy artist cousin to pop out of nowhere and molest the poor guy. As sweet as Greg is, however, I did not find him sexy. He’s a perfectly nice guy that I’d go out with a couple of times, but probably end up dumping him for a guy who plays with knives during foreplay and rides a Harley. I’m a freak like that. He’s just too beta for me. It’s really too bad that he is partnered with a wide-eyed, perky-tittied Barbie doll who’d probably get squished by a truck like little Gage Creed if no one pulled her out of the way.

The other thing that drags down this story is the overabundance of secondary characters. I’m surprised that the two leads find the time and the place to bump uglies with the cousins and the aunts and the friends popping out of nowhere to say hi or give some stupid ass advice in an inanely Mary Sue way. I was especially annoyed that our leads couldn’t have any alone time together because the author becomes too busy showing us how “wacky” and “zany” the heroine’s relatives are. WHO GIVES A FUCK?!? These zany relatives even show up when our two leads are cuddling nekkid in post-coital bliss, which would have been the perfect time for the two of them to get to know each other and oooh… I don’t know… talk about what they like about each other besides tits and ass. It got so bad that at one point, I actually stopped reading and yelled, “What the fuck is wrong with you people? Don’t you have anything better to do than bug Lissi and Greg?” This made Tim look up from the IKEA bookcase he was assembling, shake his head, then go back to what he was doing, grumbling about crazy girlfriends.

As for the villains? Well, they’re laughable to say the least, and the reasons for their villainy are so stupid and lame that it made me want to hurl the book into the fireplace. Whenever those doofuses are in a scene, I could actually hear that wacky slapstick kazoo sound in my head. I guess romantic comedies shouldn’t have REAL villains, but it is so obvious that Sands just stuck them in the story so our leads could have something to do other than have sleepover parties with the heroine’s relatives. Yeah, yeah… don’t ask.

Despite the Barbie doll heroine, the annoying secondary characters, and the paper-thin plot, I found this book to be extremely readable. The pacing is good and everyone in the story seems to be having such a good time that reading it is like being in a party with really strange people. They’re a bunch of weirdos and you’re not really having fun, but you don’t want to leave in fear that something really bizarre will happen once you’re gone and you’ll regret missing it for, like… a week or so. I also enjoyed the explanation that the author provides about where vampires come from and why they need blood. It’s original and makes sense in its own strange way. I don’t wholeheartedly recommend that you go out and buy this book, but you know what? It’s an okay way to pass a couple of hours.

P.S. I’d be interested in reading a sequel about the mother, Marguerite. She’s bitchy, manipulative, cold… I think she’d be a fun heroine. I wouldn’t give my left arm for it or anything, but I’d read it.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006 at 8:10 pm and is filed under Books, Grade: D, Romance: Paranormal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.