Grade: B

I love Angela Knight. I have enjoyed most of everything she has written and admired her in the past for breaking the mold of conventional romantic plots and daring to be different. She has a very colorful imagination, a way of writing her sex scenes without making them seem porny or contrived, and is just a damned entertaining writer, period. What I’ve noticed in the Angela Knight books that I’ve read is that the lady can write the hell out of a romantic hero. Most of her heroes are alpha, though not monotonous in a way that they’re all growls and male blustering; there’s more to them. This particular hero, Cade Mckinnon, is such an example. He won’t bow down before anyone, won’t back down from a fight, and will lay down his life for his lady. He is kind, noble, and honorable, but he is not without his flaws. What makes him stand out in my eyes is that he acknowledges those flaws and aims to change for the better. Too bad he got stuck with a whiny, little twit for a love interest! Why do these yummy, delicious males always end up with females who make you want to beat them down with the blunt end of an axe?
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Sometimes, it’s not the cover. In fact, there’s nothing wrong with this cover except the weird, severely airbrushed disembodied head over this woman’s shoulder. What pisses me off about this cover is that it’s a big, fat lie. It’s not a “dark paranormal” in the vein of Angela Knight or Susan Squires, like the dark background and the font suggest. It’s wacky and zany, like something written by MaryJanice Davidson or Katie McAllister. Just check out this back blurb:

He’d lived a thousand years for this? It’s enough to make a vampire want to rush outside to soak up some rays, order garlic mashed potatoes, or fall on a wooden stake.

Dear God, let the hilarity ensue. Just check out this description of the heroine:

Kisa Evans has a boatload of problems. She’s a virgin, someone is stalking her with the intent to keep her in cat form forever, she’s a virgin, the deadly Guardian of the Blood is out to murder her sister’s fiancé, and she’s a virgin. Werecat law says that she can’t mate with any male weaker than herself. Hello? She’s not your usual lap kitty. There IS no male stronger than Kisa.

Man, she’s a virgin, too. I guess it’s alright because she’s got some kind of excuse for being a virgin. I can’t stand it when the heroine shrieks high and low about being a virgin and it has nothing to do with the story. And “There IS no male stronger than Kisa”? Uh-oh, expect a too-stupid-to-live heroine telling anyone who’ll listen that she’s a strong, independent womyn and needs no man to rescue her. She’ll need rescuing, of course, because she’s naturally a ding-bat.

I’m about to get a nose bleed just by reading this blurb.

Thanks for the tip, Laura!

How come Loretta Chase gets the suckiest covers? She’s a widely respected writer, writes pretty damned good books at that, and has a very loyal fanbase… and yet her publishers keep slapping her with covers featuring some vapid pretty boy with a blank look in his eyes. This guy looks mesmerized, as though just over the photographer’s shoulder is a big pile of pure Colombian coke just waiting to be snorted up his nose. I’m sure this book is brilliant and all, much like most of Loretta Chase’s books, but I can’t read this damn thing on the bus! The last thing I need is some pretentious writing major telling me that I should have better things to do with my time than read a “trashy romance novel”. I mean, by looking at this cover, can you tell that it’s going to be about this: “When the intriguing Comte d’Esmond enters a room, women swoon and men gnash their teeth. The count is fully accustomed to this reaction—and brilliant at exploiting it… What he isn’t prepared for is Leila Beaumont. One look from her tawny eyes is dangerously captivating…”? I’m not a man and I’m gnashing my teeth. Mostly because this cover is awful… just awful! If I weren’t a seasoned romance reader, do you know what I would think this book would be about? A vapid pretty boy who’d do anything for a gram of coke… and I mean anything.

I keep telling myself that I’m not going to make fun of CG covers anymore. It’s just too easy and I like a cover that challenges my snarking capabilities. But this one… well, it’s black with varying shades of red, since it’s a vampire story. The black means… um, darkness and gloom. Oh, and shadows. And the red is for… uh, blood, I think. A vampire cover can’t have purple and pink and sparkly unicorns flying in the background. That would be silly. Man, the art department even spared the effort to look for spooky font. I guess they mean business. Comic Sans MS doesn’t exactly say “I am a two hundred year old whiny vampire looking for an emotionally stunted female whom I can manipulate to cater to me and stay with me for all time,” you know. But enough about that, let’s get to the models. Are the males wrists handcuffed together and if so, is he supposed to be choking the female with it? Erotic asphyxiation is hot! Speaking of the female, where are her breasts? I know some pretty flat-chested sisters, but this girl… she’s either really flat or her boobs are so saggy that they’ve drooped down to her navel. Man, I know this is supposed to be sexy at all, but it just looks like the male is a) Choking her or b) rubbing Vicks’ Vapor Rub on her chest. Maybe she has a cold.

Thanks for the cover, Amber!

Hmm… two cover models who are a little too dark and exotic-looking to be Caucasian. Wait a minute, this isn’t Harlequin Deseo! What’s going on? If the girl had been a blond and obviously white, it would be okay that the male is a little dark, a little Latin-looking, but two models–albeit quite attractive–who look like they had just stepped out of the set of a Telemundo soap opera? Nah, that won’t work (especially since the characters in the book are probably very, very white). What am I even talking about? Harlequin Deseo isn’t about Hispanic people! They’re just regular Harlequin romance novels translated into Spanish. Brilliant! Man, that female is beautiful. I know it’s airbrushed and all, but her skin is absolutely flawless. I even like the coy, little glance she’s giving the male there. Too bad that he’s probably not anatomically correct. Look how smooth, hairless, and… mannequin-like he is. Like Ken, he probably doesn’t even have a penis… just painted-on, bulge-free underwear. So sad. What are the chances that she’s the wealthy, spoiled SPANISH heiress of a winery empire and he’s the arrogant Mexican-American foreman who tames her? No chance. None at all. Sigh.

Thanks to Amber for this cover!