Hey, you guys, isn’t this cover kind of pretty? It’s all yellow and the cover models are people (I think) and there’s a rubber ducky in the male’s back pocket (awww) and there’s no man-titty anywhere. It’s a change of pace from all the horrible CGI covers we’ve been subjected to lately. It’s nice and romantic and pleasant… it just makes you want to pick it up and look at it, even though you wouldn’t read it because it’s a stupid “confirmed bachelor who falls in love with a woman pregnant with another man’s child” story. It’s covers like this that melt my cynical little heart, you know. Pleasant (but boring) this cover is, however, we all know what we’re going to find inside. After all, how many variations of the “confirmed bachelor who falls in love with a woman pregnant with another man’s child” story could there be? I mean, these things practically write themselves nowadays. How else can you explain why there are so many of them in the world of Harlequin romance? So let’s play a little game, shall we? And don’t go hot-footin’ it to Amazon to find out what it’s about, either! Oh, and you’re not allowed to play if you’ve already read it.

The male love interest is:
a) the bad boy who never paid attention to the heroine when they were in high school, but is suddenly in love with the heroine because she’s so “brave and plucky” and he secretly thinks that pregnant chicks are hot
b) the platonic best friend that our heroine has never seen as anything but a brother, a confidante, or an emergency date
c) the coldly arrogant, but secretly warm-hearted boss that the heroine has a secret crush on, but has always been intimidated by, who turns out to be a kind, honorable man who offers to marry the heroine because he doesn’t want her to be an unwed mother

The father of the baby is:
a) the ridiculously jerky dickwad ex-boyfriend of the heroine who was so ridiculously jerky that you gotta wonder what kind of moron the heroine had to be to have dated and gotten impregnated by him
b) the kind, noble, absolutely perfect dead husband of the heroine who was the best friend of the new male love interest and his former competition for the affections of the heroine (the dead guy won)
c) the male love interest on the cover; he was a sperm bank donor who also just happens to be the boss of the heroine and has always been in love with her

The female love interest is:
a) a shy, timid woman who is impregnated by her ridiculously jerky boyfriend after she tells him she’s pregnant and is unceremoniously dumped soon afterward; she didn’t have a father of her own, either, so with plucky courage, she is determined the raise the baby on her own
b) a hard-working junior partner at a law firm who never had time for “love” when she was younger because she was hard at work at law school who now realizes that she has a hole in her life because she doesn’t have a baby, so she goes to a sperm bank
c) a happy-go-lucky “modern” woman who gets drunk with her platonic male best friend one night, has sex with him, and because they were both so drunk, neither of them remember what happened. The next night, she has bad, horrible sex with her date, then finds out weeks later that she’s pregnant, so she thinks the father of the baby is the guy she had bad sex with

Thanks to Amber for this adorable cover!

Check out this blurb:

When a woman calls—Kash goes. And she comes. Kash is an Incubus. A Shadow Lover– furious and passionate with a burn hotter than dry ice. Cursed in the 1860’s for a drunken crime against an innocent young woman, Kash has been making amends to the fairer sex for over a hundred years.

Patience Marlow, a creature of the night herself, summons Kash and coerces him into a sordid world of pain and pleasure where wealthy mythic guests spend their evenings play-torturing and schtupping immortal men. In her arms, Kash’s punishment for breaking the rules of his curse takes on a whole new meaning. In his arms, though she wants to control and conquer him for reasons of her own, Patience lets her guard down. She is tired of the battle to control her demonic tendencies. Kash holds the key to her freedom. Too bad he has to kill her to set her free.

And check out this bit from the excerpt:

Her eyes widened at the sight of what he had to offer her as he released the bull from the pen. He stroked his erection proudly. Even drunk he could unleash a bronco. And brother, was he ever drunk.

Yep, somebody needed cold, hard cash. Particularly these two. What does cover modeling pay anyway? You could probably get a couple of junkies at the local bar for twenty bucks each or something. Though I don’t know many junkies–wait, I don’t know any junkies–who are all buff and shit looking like they spend all their time in a gym instead of smoking crack. And is it me or is the girl’s penis shaped like a tail shaped like a penis? It’s usually Laura who spots the phallic imagery, but umm… this one’s pretty obvious, even for me. Since this seems like an S&M book, do you think there’s a scene where the girl penetrates the guy’s poopy-hole with her tail? Also, is that a white cowboy hat on his head?

Thanks again, Laura… now I’m gonna get high on some Benadryl and pass out.

P.S. Umm… schtupping? Seriously? Yeah, ’cause Yiddish-speaking Jewish grandmothers? Really hot.

P.P.S. Bronco? Really? Homeboy looks like he’s on the juice. I think maybe… umm… tit-mouse, at most.

Man, this cover is about as subtle as that old “hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket in a darkened movie theater” trick. Laura says, “I love the symbolism. I think they must want us to shout at the top of our lungs, ‘The snake represents his penis! and she’s kissing it!’” Dude, are you trying to say that “charming the snake” is a euphemism for “giving the one eyed worm a mouth to mouth resuscitation”? Huh. That never would have occured to me. Let me ask you this, what kind of woman goes out into a snake infested jungle wearing only a tiny negligee? That can’t be too smart. Hasn’t this woman ever heard of malaria? And umm… snake bites? I’m telling you, she’s just asking for it now. Just check out the way the male and the snake are looking at her. It’s like they’re thinking, “Dude, is she really going to jam that thing down her throat? Five bucks says she can’t do it,” while fervently praying that she’ll “do it! do it!”. Next thing you know, man and snake will be fighting for the next one to go umm… explore her throat. Also, is it just me or does the male model look like the bastard child of Ted Danson and uh… a creepy, hairless thing? Oh, dude, I’m pretty dense when it comes to this stuff, but I just realized that the snake is posed directly in front of homeboy’s crotch making it look like he’s umm… you know what, I’m just gonna go ahead and leave this alone.

Thanks again for another image that I’ll have to brillo scrub off of my brain, Laura!

Grade: A+

I never thought I would ever type these words: for a rapist, he’s not such a bad guy. Isn’t that awful? I’ve never been a fan of “forced seduction” in romance novels and in this case, it isn’t even a “seduction” because she doesn’t have an orgasm nor does she throw herself in his arms in gratitude afterward. Her “no, no, no” doesn’t mean “yes! yes! yes!”. She doesn’t cry. She lays there, lets him do what he wants, then she puts her clothes back on, and returns to work. That’s some cold shit. I mean, it is rape. There are a lot of very uncomfortable scenes in this book, but that one… man, I am a huge fan of Bentley Little and I got a little nauseous when I got to that scene. The “hero” doesn’t physically hurt her, but he is still twice as big as she is and easily overpowers her. And the “heroine”… well, she just spent the last ten years in prison for supposedly murdering her husband and she ain’t got a lot of fight in her. Now think of a way to make that romantic. You can’t and Gaffney doesn’t try to. That’s why the scene worked for me. Gaffney doesn’t treat it like a “forced seduction”. Hell no, she knows it’s rape and treats it like rape. It is a credit to Gaffney’s writing ability that I was able to endure a dozen more uncomfortable little scenes like that and managed to find the hero worthy of love and happiness by the end of the book. A lot of you may cry “foul” and refuse to read the book because of that one little scene… but believe me when I say that you’ll be totally missing out if you do. Seriously, you guys, this is one of the most genuine, most heart-wrenching books I have read in a long time (and since I’m on a heart-wrenching binge, I’ve read a lot).
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Reader Shanna has this to say about this cover: “I came across this cover and I thought you might like it and by like it I mean hate it. What’s up with the dude’s ears? Not exactly hunky vampire, more like creepy dumbo ears stalker.” While I have to admit that this man has a rather nice nose for such a weird looking dude, I just can’t get over how oddly his features go together. His lips aren’t ugly, but they don’t seem to belong to him. They’re too small and thin… like they should belong to a petulant five year old child. His eyes are kind of nice, if a little too close together, and they shouldn’t be on that face, either. Who dressed this guy, anyway? Kevin Federline or something? Well, this guy does look like he dances around in his underwear in front of a mirror, using a comb for a mic, and singing, “Popozao! Popozao!” And what’s with the hair? It was photoshopped, obviously, but couldn’t they find someone other than a blind man who’s never used photoshop before, to do it? I’m just sayin’ that if they were gonna give him fake hair, they should have given him longer hair to cover those “creepy dumbo ears”. Honestly, is there anyone out there at all who finds this man attractive? Admit it! I won’t make fun of you, I swear.

By the way, I told Shanna that this cover made me lose my will to live. That’s not true. I was indulging in a hyperbole. What I meant to say was, this cover makes me want to bash my skull against a wall until I pass out and perhaps give myself amnesia so that I couldn’t remember this cover. Thanks, Shanna!