Check out the look on the lion’s face. There he is, hanging out with his lion buddies, until he got the major munchies, so he pads on over to the nearest 7-11, takes a short cut in a dark alley, and guess what he sees? Man, the lion has a total “what the eff” expression on his face like he just found out that everything he’s been brought up to believe is all a lie. I just love the look of complete and total disbelief on his face, like he’s thinking, “Oh, man, those crackwhores really would do anything for crack money.” Even felate weird-looking lion-dudes in dark alleys. Or maybe he’s just thinking, “That’s not how you eat a tube steak!”

Oh, and this guy may have a nice butt, but (heh) I bet Vincent could totally kick his ass with one hand tied to his leg. What the hell is up with this guy’s hair, anyway? Did someone steal his diffuser or something? Homeboy looks more like Doc Emmett Brown than that weird lion-thing on the Like a Virgin video. By the way, I can’t tell if that hand on the dude’s butt is a girl’s hand or a boy’s hand. It looks kind of mannish, but it’s delicate-looking, too.

Which reminds me… correct me if I’m wrong, but Lora Leigh is the author that writes about those man-animal breeds with barbed penises, right? Eww. Can you imagine what that shit would feel like in your throat? Hell, I go crazy whenever I think I’ve got hair in my throat and that’s just hair.

Thanks to Sandie for pointing this cover out to me!

Oooh… I do love a cover that objectifies males in this manner… as long as they don’t have dead poser eyes and mullets, I mean. When I saw this thing, that song She’s Got Skillz by All 4 One started playing in my head for some reason. I think it’s because it has the line “And in the mornin’ when I’m yawnin’ she gives me a sticky bun, she’s got skillz.” Boy, this man has a perky little ass, don’t he? How delish. I’m a little confused, though. Is this a boy-on-boy anthology? God knows I love me a little BoB action, but I didn’t think Blaze got all up in it too. Just look at the way this guy is standing. He’s got one hand perched on his waist and the other bracing against that bat with his hip cocked just like so and… I think he’s about to start singing Cabaret, kids. How yummy is that? Ooh, maybe it’s a gay baseball team like in The Brokenhearts Club (awesome movie, by the way). But mmmm… this man is delicious. I bet you could bounce a quarter off of his butt. I think if I were a guy in that locker room, I wouldn’t be able to resist to chase him around, snapping at his muscled ass with a towel. To assert my hetero-maleness, I mean.

Thanks for this ray of sunshine, Christine!

I gotta say, kids, when I first saw this cover, I laughed for a good five minutes. I even showed my mom and she said, “Ay, anak ko, why are you reading such filth? Do you want to go to hell? Diyos ko, anak, remove that from your computer before Baby Jesus finds it!” I swear, I think she actually believes that Jesus regularly scans my computer like he’s my personal Norton Anti-virus. My mom is cute. I hope to God she’s just spouting crazy talk again or I’d probably get in major trouble if Jesus found all the male-on-male porn on my C-drive. I mean, uhh… that’s probably too much information for you guys, huh? Anyway, all I can really say about this cover is… wow, this lady sure has a very crowded desktop and look how many programs she’s got opened at the same time! With the cybersexin’ and the gay porn-watchin’ in the background, it’s a wonder that her CPU isn’t in tears. Or maybe it is and the screen is frozen and she’s about to get the ever-delightful “blue screen of death”. Good times. I’m sorry, kids, but I honestly can’t come up with a single thing to say about this cover. It’s just… um… so different, you know? It’s like the graphic designer couldn’t come up with anything, either, so she was just staring blankly at her screen until, “Eureka! I’ll just take a print screen of my desktop and turn it in. Oh, man, easiest ten bucks I’ve ever made in my life!” Or something like that.

Grade: C

Wow, speaking of whores, here’s another story featuring an honest-to-goodness whore. Call me a big ole perv, but I am just a huge fan of plotlines involving real whores and not just ho-posers who don’t have to sleep with anyone but the hero in the entire story. The heroine in this book is a bitter, cynical, crackwhore who’d do just about anything for… well, um… crack. The hero in this story is a pimp. He’s not her pimp, but that’s his honest-to-goodness profession. It’s too bad that he’s not the kind of pimp who cruises around in purple velour suits, gold teeth, and fedora hats, while brandishing around a cane with a solid gold skull as its handle. That would have been awesome. No, kids, this is purely a rescue fantasy where the pimp with the heart of gold rescues the hooker a la Pretty Woman except the hooker is on crack and they’re in Russia (”in Soviet Russia, the crack smokes you…”). The first few chapters of this novella definitely had me hooked. I mean, here we’ve got a girl who’s living in the gutter, whoring herself out to anyone for crack money, and then we find out that this mysterious Russian demon pimp has been watching her for months and wants him all to herself. What does he want with her? What makes this girl so special? What the hell kind of world does this demon pimp come from? Does everyone in this world know about these demons? Do I get the answers to these questions? Sadly, no. The demon pimp wants the crackwhore for a girlfriend because he is attracted to her “purity”. No, really. That’s it.
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Grade: A-

I’ve got one word for you: Boy-whores. I’ve read a lot of books featuring fake female prostitutes whose first clients turn out to be their true loves and they never have to sleep with anyone else, but the ho protagonist in this story does have sex with other people for money. And they’re not all attractive people. And he’s a college boy. Ignore the fresh-faced, goofy-looking kid on the cover. Ryan Hayes does not look like that. At least not in my head. No, I actually pictured Scott Speedman in his place. Yum. But homegirl up there certainly looks like a young Ally Sheedy, don’t she? It’s uncanny! Anyway, I’m not here to make fun of this cover. Y’all know where to go for that. No, I’m here to congratulate Bonnie Dee for having the guts to have a real hooker for a hero. Whoo-hoo! As if that’s not enough, she also gives us a heroine who suffers from agoraphobia. On top of that, there’s also butt sex, a rape fantasy scene, and a group sex scene with midgets little people! Okay, that last one was a joke, people, this isn’t a David Lynch movie. But it does have a threesome featuring two boy whores and the use of illicit drugs. Gasp! Oh, Lord, my heart can’t take too much of this. I would have preferred if the heroine had been a little older–she’s only 27–and these two kids do get a little weird and neurotic with the “does she/he love me?” and the “could she truly love me even if I’m a whore” melodrama, but it’s understandable and actually worked for the story. Good job, Bonnie!
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