August 2006 archive

An Ode to Male Cover Models

Oh! Vapid pretty boy with bland good looks
Are you doing this so you can pay rent
Modeling for covers of romance books
Maybe you should really fire your agent

Perhaps you wanted to be a doctor
Or an astronaut who’ll travel to Mars
Or maybe instead a famous actor
But now you only appear in boudoirs

Of chicks who like to read romance novels
Looking up from the covers of their books
Inspring not lust but mocking chuckles
What a tragic end for your good looks

Did you really want to be a model
Or did you dream of being a Beatle?
***

An English sonnet with an abab cdcd efef gg rhyme scheme. Iambic pentameter. Kind of. daDum daDum daDum daDum daDum. Well, okay, not really. Bitches. Hmm… maybe Eileen Myles is right and poetry is not my medium. If she saw this, maybe she’d shit herself laughing. She is, however, in love with my writing style. And she knows what she’s talking ’bout, y’all. She’s a genius.

Thanks to Sybil for this cover!

Stop Looking at Me, You Creepy Freak!

Oh, man, this cover is messed up. Look at that damn baby and tell me it doesn’t look like one of those creatures from Galaxy Quest that are all cute at first, but turn out to be these nasty little things with fangs! Is that even a real baby? Aw, shit, you guys, it won’t stop staring at me and it’s really starting to freak me out. I stood up and walked around and its beady little eyes followed my every move like those creepy ass paintings. I’m convinced that the little shit is actually Rosemary’s Baby. Maybe the modeling agency got suspicious of Harlequin always asking for babies and bring them back catatonic that they wouldn’t give them any more babies, so Harlequin was forced to make do with umm… I don’t even know what that is, guys. Isn’t that guy afraid that the baby will just swivel its head towards him and take a huge chunk of his face off? I bet that nasty little bugger has thousands of tiny little teeth inside its little mouth that’s just waiting to rip into him. Maybe the baby is like an Alien and has a mouth within a mouth that can pop out and punch a hole in your head. But the most disturbing aspect of this cover is the dude’s leather jacket. Check it out, it has buckles and shit. That’s the gayest thing I’ve ever seen. And oh, I think the dude may be Kevin Federline. In that case, chomp away, little guy.

Thanks to Bev for this beaut of a cover.

What Every Boy Wants…

He hoped, he prayed, he begged his parents, and then one day, FINALLY, it came! The Real Doll he had asked for for his 35th birthday! Oh, happy days! Only something must have gone wrong in production because she seems to be missing her nipples. I guess the ribbon could be covering them, but wouldn’t that make them a little too far in? It could also be that her nipples are just really small, but I’m not even seeing any areola action here. Celebrity women have worn less and we’ve seen plenty of nip slips from them. And maybe it’s cause I look at hundreds of pictures of man-titties (just for you!) everyday, but don’t her boobs look more like man-titties than girl-titties? It looks like the muscular torso of a budding young man. Hmm… maybe it’s the special order she-male version. Anyway, what’s going on down below? Is her crotch on fire or is that a weird dildo that looks like a light saber? Is our little man a fan of Star Wars? Man, those Star Wars nerds are weird. Why would he want to fuck his real doll with a light saber? That totally reminds me of all those Yakuza pimp tales that I’ve heard about and how they keep their hos inline. It involves a samurai sword and a vagina. Trust me, you don’t want to know. Oh, hey, look our hero has a mullet! That’s so awesome. And who knew you could get arms like that just from wanking off and waiting for the day that your Real Doll arrived?

P.S. Holy shit, these are awesome!

Retire with Dignity, Dude!

Here’s a guy who’s definitely no longer a spring chicken. How many covers has this guy posed for? I swear, he’s like the go-to guy for Silhouette Desire covers. Does anybody know this guy’s name? Every time somebody needs a “rugged, masculine” guy who can wear a toolbelt and not look like a Village People member, they call this guy. He’s a little less disgusting than this guy, but you can tell that his boobs are already starting to sag. Ah, the life of a cover model. One minute you’re right up there with Fabio and the next you’re selling insurance in a commercial that parodies your hey-day (that thing is CLASSIC!). There’s just something about this guy that I can’t take seriously. He looks like somebody’s creepy uncle, the one who gets drunk and starts touching people in a bad way. Never mind that he’s holding a hammer and is trying to look useful. I bet he wouldn’t know the first thing about putting up drywall. Why is he shirtless, anyway? Those look like snow-capped mountains in the background. Where is he, Colorado? It’s pretty cold up there, right? I think this cover would have been better if dude had worn a shirt, maybe with the sleeves torn off or something. I can’t get over the saggy boobies. Still a good body, but you can tell it’s starting to go south. Too bad. And at least he’s not wearing daisy dukes or something. But he IS wearing mom jeans!

Thanks to Amber for the cover!

Somebody needs a Bra and it’s Not Her!

Hmm… this is a sweet little cover. Could have been the cover for an inspirational chick lit book. You know, about the good girl daughter of a preacher who finally gets the man of her dreams because she… uh… I don’t know, prayed to Jesus every morning or something. Of course an inspirational romance wouldn’t have a shirtless dude on the cover, right? Especially a shirtless dude whose breasts are bigger than the heroine’s? I’m serious, look. She has no boobs! I think maybe she was wearing falsies in the beginning of the date, but maybe they fell out or something and now she’s looking down and trying to find them. Anyway, I feel sad for her ’cause she seems so happy, but the guy she’s with just looks bored. Like his face says, “I can’t believe I lost that bet and now I have to turn this stupid girl into a prom queen” or something. My favorite thing about this cover, though, is the title. That title is frickin’ awesome. It sounds like it could be the title of a song by… I don’t know… Skidrow or Warrant or something. I bet this book is about a girl who thinks she’s going to be with a guy “forever” but for him, it’s “never” ’cause… um… he doesn’t like girls. It breaks my heart something fierce, ’cause she seems like a sweet girl. Hmm… I have this book somewhere, I think. I should read it before I start making assumptions. For all I know, it could be about a scary-ass dominatrix who peels the skin off of her submissive’s back with a cat o’ nine tails. Hell, maybe there’s even loads anal in this book ’cause according to Evangeline Anderson, “Anal is the new vaginal”. Evie is awesome, you guys.

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