Damn, I was going to make a joke about how Cleopatra wasn’t killed by an asp, but an ass… oh, hey, look at that, I did make it. And it is as lame on paper as it was in my head. Well, shit. That is a really nice butt, though. You can tell ’cause the tops of his ass look like delightful little apples. I’m just a little worried that his skin will crack open if he moved. Check out how sun-burned this white boy is. He looks like Thanksgiving turkey. While that golden brown goodness is delicious on poultry, I don’t think it works the same way for beefcakes. Ouch, it just looks like it hurts. Check out the sun damage along his shoulder. While my dreamboat could use a little sun himself, at least he isn’t tanorexic. God, I just want to take a bite out of him. Does anyone have any gravy? I bet he’ll go great with garlic mashed potatoes. Damn, I just depressed myself. I just remembered that I have nothing but cream of wheat for breakfast and I’ve got a sudden hankering for Bennigan’s garlic mashed potatoes (it’s smooth, creamy goodness, y’all). I do like Cleopatra’s body language, though. She looks appropriately taken back by sun-burned boy’s physique. Maybe his penis is actually… an asp! What a twist! It’s too bad that I have a prejudice against romances set in Egypt. It’s a long story. Well, actually, no, it’s not. When I was in the 7th grade and was just starting to read romance novels, a friend recommended this Virginia Henley book set in Egypt and I can’t even remember which one it was, but I was so bored by it that I never picked up a book by her again. It’s also why I can’t read anything that remotely has anything to do with Egypt. That’s not a joke.

Thanks for the cover, Jen!

Wow. It just goes to show you, kids, that if you starve yourself, you’ll become a lesbian and eat your friend (in more ways than one! badump-bump). This is not a joke. It’s my public service announcement for the day. I’m sorry, I’m just really amused by this cover. That dark-haired one is so skinny that you can actually count her ribs. She doesn’t have any titties, either. Look at that! They’re practically concave or something. And I can’t tell if her friend is licking her belly button or her pubic bone ’cause her torso is twisted kind of strangely. In fact, I’m not even really sure what is going on here. At first glance, I thought she was propped up against the arm rest and her friend is holding her up, but look closer and you will see that she does not have a waist or hips. Her torso just turns into her thigh. It also appears that she only has one thigh. Man, this cover is creepy. And she looks kind of pissed, too. I guess I’d be pissed if all I had to eat in a day is a tic-tac and a half a can of Diet Coke. Her orange-haired friend is a little meatier than she is, but she can probably afford to eat an entire cow and not gain an ounce. She also seems to have bigger breasts, but I can’t confirm that because the author’s stupid name is in the way. Consequently, my favorite name in the whole wide world is Keziah. It’s my favorite cousin’s name. Man, I hope this author is not secretly my cousin. Her very religious mother would be very pissed if she found out her daughter was writing lesbian erotica. Anyway, the orange-haired girl looks hungry. I think it would be awesome if she took a bite out of the dark-haired one, but she would probably only bite into bone. Poor girl.

Thanks to Anonymous for sending me this cover.

Any cover that sports a hot Asian dude on the cover is alright with me. Man, look at this thing. It makes me actually want to read it. In fact, I just bought it, you guys. Like two seconds ago. I know I’ve been harping at the severe lack of Asian dudes as romance heroes, but now, here it is. See? It’s a good thing. ‘Cause they’re hot! They’re all mysterious and shadowy and Zen-like and silent like a ninja… look, I don’t even mind if you write the most stereotypical grasshopper dude. He can eat rice and use chopsticks and not use contractions (just like vampires!) and call you his little lotus flower. I don’t care. I mean, wow, just look at this dude. Check out that blade of a nose and those beautiful lips. Man, I even dig the rosy cheeks. Dear God, look at those cheekbones. I think they can actually slice onions. Goddamn, that’s a beautiful face. Mmm… I can just cover him with chocolate syrup and eat him up with a spoon. Hmm… I wonder if I think this guy is hot because he sports that androgynous look that I’m so fond of in my men. Sure, his eyebrows are a little ridiculous and UGH, I cannot stand that font (it’s very distracting), but all and all, I gotta say that I’m a huge fan of this cover. I can’t say it enough, this model is fucking gorgeous. Nice work, New Concepts Publishing! Keep it up!