What’s in the Effing Box?!?!?

8 Sep

My favorite part in the movie S7VEN is when Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, and Kevin Spacey are standing in the middle of nowhere and Brad Pitt is screaming “What’s in the fucking box?” at Kevin Spacey, while pointing a gun at his head and Morgan Freeman running and yelling, “Mills, don’t open the box!” And then he opened the box… BEST. SCENE. EVER. Ah, good times. Let’s see… what else could be in that box… oooh, I know! Dara Joy‘s career! Swish! It could also be Marsellus Wallace‘s soul. Or Laurell K. Hamilton‘s self-respect. Oooh, I’m on a roll today. Check me out. Man, I hate covers where the models look directly at the camera. It makes it look like some cheap-ass WalMart photos or something. Seriously, though, that fuchsia top that the male model is wearing is hawt! Combine that shit with a pair of some kickin’ acid-wash mom jeans and I’m surprised this dude isn’t on some runway in Milan somewhere. Nice titties on the girl model, though. This may be a first in cover modelling history where the chick’s boobies are better than the man’s. God, this couple bores me. That box better be filled with dildoes and handcuffs and whips and chains.

P.S. Could this find be worth millions? No, maybe $1.99 at most.

Thanks to Amber for the cover!

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13 Responses to “What’s in the Effing Box?!?!?”

  1. Shuzluva September 6, 2006 at 9:10 am #

    I think Thing from the Aaddams Family is a good guess. Disembodied hands always say “romance” to me.

    However, my favorite guess of Bam’s has got to be Marsellus Wallace’s soul. That is definitely worth millions!

  2. Kimber September 6, 2006 at 10:50 am #

    Lemme get this straight? A romance novel based on Antiques Roadshow? Come to think of it, what could be hotter than finding out your great-grandmother’s wicker chest could be worth $800 on today’s market!

    Actually, I’m guessing he’s a former surfer-turned-real-estate-agent who moved to Hawaii to catch the big waves and married a hot part-Hawaiian chick who’s great-grandmother’s wicker chest contains the cursed idol of Kawahai’ialaunaimaki which is going to cause their faces to melt when they open it, just like in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

  3. Evangeline Anderson September 6, 2006 at 10:56 am #

    Facial melting would be a lot more interesting than this bland cover. Seriously, are they trying to bore us to death? Evangeline

  4. Barbara B. September 6, 2006 at 12:49 pm #

    So funny!

  5. Nicolette September 6, 2006 at 1:01 pm #

    Man. One of the biggest fights I’ve ever had with my husband was when I started laughing in sheer joy when it hit me what was in the box in S7VEN.

    I’m not a big Gwyneth Paltrow fan.

  6. Joanne September 6, 2006 at 8:37 pm #

    I hate Gwyneth Paltrow. The worst part is that I have a niece named Gwyneth (not sure if she’s named after La Paltrovich) and I think I’m her godmother (I lost count of how many godchildren I have, lol). I do like GP’s mom, though.

    Wal-Mart pictures… lol.

  7. Evangeline Anderson September 7, 2006 at 8:54 am #

    Hey, now that we’ve named all the celebs we’d sleep with, can we list the ones we really hate? I refuse to watch any movie with Nicolas Cage in it because I hate, hate, *hate* him. His acting sucks and his face gets on my nerves. (The one exception is Moonstruck–I love that stupid movie)
    My hubby refuses to see anything with Andy McDowel in it. He says she drags down anything she’s in.
    Anyone else have a celeb they hate (I’m not too fond of Tom Cruise anymore either) Let the parade of negativity begin! Evangeline

  8. Rosie September 7, 2006 at 10:21 am #

    Evie, I’m totally with you on the Nicholas Cage thing with the same exception being Moonstruck. I just can’t stand to see his face or hear his voice. Ugh!

    Since I’m one of those people who like the “sexy/ugly” guy it would follow that NC might fall into this category. NOT. FOR. ME.

    Bam, I read Tim’s post about you on Aug 22nd. That guy is a keeper!

  9. Evangeline Anderson September 7, 2006 at 11:51 am #

    Yup, NC is so ick. Ever since I was forced to sit through Leaving Los Vegas, I have hated him with a passion. Ugh! Evangeline

  10. LorelieLong September 7, 2006 at 1:52 pm #

    I realise this may get me lynched, but Johnny Depp. He’s such a loser, and a poser. And he always looks so slimy to me!

  11. Evangeline Anderson September 7, 2006 at 2:02 pm #

    Ha, I’ve never been a big Depp fan myself. You know who I love tho? james Spader. Mmmm, now he can stay on my island. I *loved* him in Secretary. What a hot movie.
    : ) Eavangeline

  12. LSB Author, Darragha Foster September 7, 2006 at 6:05 pm #

    Jeff Kober. Totally hot. Don’t know who he is, do you? Google him. :)

    And as for the box: it’s the key to the city of Stepford. Ain’t it a perfect world?

  13. Anonymous September 12, 2006 at 5:26 am #

    That girl looks so much like my ex-gf…god I hope its a bear trap in that chest.