Man Titty Friday

15 Sep

There are some covers that make me want to pluck out my own eyes and soak them in muriatic acid, some that make me go “ooh, that’s nice”, and some that just make me sigh and say, “damn, almost”. This is one of those covers. What pisses me off about it is that it could have been almost nice to look at. The dude has a nice body. Sure, it’s a little too hairless, especially considering the amount of hair on his head–check out those eyebrows–but in the whole, it looks like an ordinary guy’s body. Like an ordinary blue collar guy who spends his day doing back-breaking work instead of sculpting his body in the local gym and leering at the honies. He’s got a nice set of pecs, they’re not too large and it doesn’t even look like he’d need a bra. What I like most about them is that his nipples are normal-sized. I hate those fucking sand dollar nipples on dudes ’cause they freak my shit out. Even the background is kind of nice, you know? The castle is suitably imposing as well as phallic. I even kind of dig the fake lightning. All and all, this would have been a good enough cover… EXCEPT WHY DOES THIS GUY LOOK LIKE ERIC BANA‘S RETARDED BROTHER? Check out his sloping forehead. He totally looks like a cro-magnon man. He’s got a unibrow, too. Eww. I understand that it was Medieval times, so it’s not like the guy can go down the street to get his brows down or anything, but eww. And what’s with his hair? Is it because there’s lightning and therfore the atmosphere is all crackly and staticky that his hair is that way? Dude looks like he stuck his finger in an electric socket. Poor guy. I guess my main question, though, is why is this guy naked? It’s the middle of the night, there’s an electrical storm… and he’s NAKED. Outside. Why? Man, I feel bad for the author ’cause she couldn’t possibly have asked for this. I gotta give the cover artist for trying, though… This could have been a nice cover. DAMN YOU, ERIC BANA’S RETARDED BROTHER!

Thanks to the reader who sent me this (she wishes to remain anonymous)!

P.S. What the heck kind of name is December Quinn? It’s kind of cool, I guess… but mostly, it’s just ballsy. What’s the nickname for that, anyway? Ah hell, I went to school with twins named Good Night and Midnight. I’m not kidding. They had a sister named Twilight. Oh, and my boyfriend in the eighth grade dumped me for a girl named January. Man, I was pissed.

Last 5 posts by bam

Girl on a Wire
Gwenda Bond Girl on a Wire 31 days in the top 100 Girl on a Wire(123) Download: $4.99
by

29 Responses to “Man Titty Friday”

  1. AngelaDionne September 15, 2006 at 11:56 am #

    You think those names are bad… I was looking for a realtor recently when we were purchasing a new home and we met one named….(drum roll) Stuart Little. I SHIT YOU NOT! His parents need to be taken out back and horsewhipped for naming their poor son after a cartoon mouse. Can you just imagine the ass beatings he got for having that name in school?

  2. Shuzluva September 15, 2006 at 11:57 am #

    DAMN YOU, ERIC BANA’S RETARDED BROTHER!

    I laughed so hard at that that I spit my gum onto my screen! Between those brows and that flyaway mullet, I’m horrified from the neck up. Which is why I keep saying leave it to the imagination, especially if you’ve got a body like this Dragon.

  3. Bam September 15, 2006 at 12:05 pm #

    AngelaDionne, I know all about being teased about your name. When I was in high school, those stupid uncreative kids referred to me as “Neon Deon” and “Primetime Deon” while cackling like morons. None of them made the obvious connection to Dionne Warwick, the Psychic Friends lady. Fools! The pithier, more laconic kids just referred to me as “slutbag” or “whore”.

    Shuzluva, I loved Eric Bana in Blackhawk Down so this cover is especially more painful for me.

  4. Katie September 15, 2006 at 12:14 pm #

    My friend recently informed me that there was a girl at her high school named…

    …Pegasus.

    Yeah. Woah.

    Regarding the cover: boy could use just a leeeetle sun on his chest and shoulders, they look so pale compared to his arms. (Great arms, though.)

  5. Kimber September 15, 2006 at 12:20 pm #

    Before I even finished reading your post, I had already thought to myself: “Eric Bana” and “pinhead.” Har!

    I like the fact that he’s got a pimple on his bicep—that’s realism, ladies. But I’m feeling badly about his shorn pubes. I got one of those catalogs recently featuring “European”-style bathing costumes (the thong! the banana hanger!) that require severe depilation (not to mention severe lack of shame) to wear. But in one full-page photo they had forgotten to airbrush out the nasty shaving rash the model was sporting all the way across his pelvis. Ewww!

  6. Evangeline Anderson September 15, 2006 at 12:28 pm #

    In a case like this, I would have sent the cover back to the artist and asked her to chop it off above the mouth. I’m big on not showing the hero’s eyes on a cover–leave it to the reader’s imagination. I’d rather not show anyone’s eyes on a cover but sometimes it’s unavoidable. Still, with the right hair and a a little mansacping around the eyebrows, this could have been a much better looking guy. Too bad–he should get some help from the Queer Eye crew or something.
    Evangeline
    PS–my dad swears he went to school with a kid named Harry Legg.

  7. Bam September 15, 2006 at 12:39 pm #

    My dad went to school with a girl named “Evelyn DiMagahasa”. In tagalog, her last name means “cannot be raped”.

    I think my dad is full of shit… just like he was full of shit about all those birthday cards he supposedly sent me. WHERE ARE THEY, DAD?!?

  8. Jaimi September 15, 2006 at 1:10 pm #

    How about Harry Balls, Jr? I know it is real. We sold a Harley to him. It was on his legal documents. Junior? Who does that to there son? Break the cycle.

    I like his groin muscle. Mmmm. Even his lips are nice. It is the eyes. They kill it.

  9. E.D'Trix September 15, 2006 at 1:15 pm #

    The best name story I have was a boy in my junior high named James Shue. Yup, he was a for reals Jim Shue.

    I also went to school with a girl named Dawn Johnston. Poor thing.

    Also a girl named Kevan. Obviously her parents wanted a boy and adjusted the name minimally to suit her. Saddest of all, when she turned 18 she changed it to…Kevann. I mean, WTF? If I was named Kevan (totally pronounced Kevin, BTW) I would totally change my name to something nice and unassuming…like Lisa.

  10. Wylie Kinson September 15, 2006 at 1:23 pm #

    … so I go to check out this primo piece of real estate that’s on the market and I’m met by an agent. He hands me his business card and it says his name is “Steel Butz”. NO KIDDING. My hubby and I made a quick excuse to leave and barely made it to the car before EXPLODING with laughter. Found out later that his brother’s name is Dick Butz. If you think I’m joshing, just look in the Bermuda phonebook – Guarantee you’ll find the Butz brothers.
    BTW – Eric’s retarded brother has really nice lips. (I’m trying to find a positive here!)
    Thanks for the laughs everyone.

  11. Evangeline Anderson September 15, 2006 at 2:33 pm #

    Just scanned a pt with the first name of Kum. Most unfortunate.
    Evangeline

  12. phsymom September 15, 2006 at 2:44 pm #

    Went to school with twins, Summer and Winter. There was another girl, Stormy … no relation to the seasonal twins though.

  13. Bam September 15, 2006 at 2:46 pm #

    Went to school with a girl named Story. Her last name was Booke.

    Yeah… I attended a Creative and Performing Arts School. It was a school for freaks.

  14. LSB Author, Darragha Foster September 15, 2006 at 3:06 pm #

    I knew men named North, South and Central American Storm. No kidding.

    And as for this cover: I think the body and head came from different sources.

    Darragha :)

  15. Wylie Kinson September 15, 2006 at 3:23 pm #

    If Eric Bana and Lou Ferrigno mated!

  16. Jaye September 15, 2006 at 3:33 pm #

    I think the guy sort of looks like Adrian Paul… I’m jes sayin’

  17. December Quinn September 15, 2006 at 4:53 pm #

    LOL!!

    I thought he looked like Lou Ferrigno, too.

    And no, let’s just say this isn’t what I expected. :-)

    I feel all gooey inside!

  18. April Martinez September 15, 2006 at 5:19 pm #

    There was a black girl in my dance class whose name was Latrina … because her mother liked the word latrine. No joke.

    One of the girls on my squad was named Charisma, which I guess is kind of neat.

    Every now and then I listen to a local radio reporter named Robin Banks. She has a fellow reporter whose name is Vickie Cox, which sounds like a bad thing to catch.

    And lastly, I once had a co-worker named Troy Witt, who was very proud of his license plate, TWITT.

    All true stories.

  19. L.E. Bryce September 15, 2006 at 5:59 pm #

    But why’s he standing naked outside the castle in a thunderstorm? He’s gonna freeze. Shrinkage. You know. Retarded is right.

  20. Laura September 15, 2006 at 8:20 pm #

    I worked for a guy named Wagon Wills, Jr.
    He named his son Wagon Wills III.
    I don’t work for him anymore.

    Excluding present company, there are some authors who seem to have played the “what’s your porn name” game for their nom de plume.

    (Yeah, I know I probably spelled that wrong.)

  21. da_jane September 15, 2006 at 8:50 pm #


    Excluding present company, there are some authors who seem to have played the “what’s your porn name” game for their nom de plume.

    Soooo true. The cover is terrible. Which is what makes this blog so fabulous.

  22. Bam September 15, 2006 at 9:11 pm #

    (Yeah, I know I probably spelled that wrong.)

    Which part? Nom de plume? Nope. That was correct, Madame.

    I’m gonna use my own. It’s suitably exotic, yet non-threatening.

    And yes, da_jane, this blog IS fabulous. ;)

  23. Evangeline Anderson September 15, 2006 at 9:49 pm #

    Bam, you should be a one name author. Just use Bam, it’s catchy and people would remember it. My pen name is my middle name and my married name. I like the assonance and flow of it.
    Evangeline

  24. LorelieLong September 16, 2006 at 12:21 am #

    I used to have a cat named Stormy! My dramatic interpretation partner was named Darcy. And she was a girl.

    Oh, and I was watching tv last night (primetime or dateline or one of those) and saw a woman named AquaNetta. Seriously.

  25. Anonymous September 16, 2006 at 10:49 am #

    Just had to comment. My great-great-uncle’s name was Fort Sumter Cannon. No Lie.

  26. December Quinn September 16, 2006 at 4:08 pm #

    Anon, was he a Yank or a Confederate?

  27. Anonymous September 17, 2006 at 11:35 am #

    He was a confederate from Savannah Georgia.

  28. Kaitlin September 18, 2006 at 6:21 pm #

    Best name ever???? Richard Pitshitter…sounds exactly as you think. Went by Dick…oh…it just makes me want to giggle like a hyena. he-he

    Knew a girl in school whose name was Starbright.

    Yeah, parents who name their children evil things should be shot on sight. It’s bad enough being named something normal and having crappy nicknames.

    I was Tower and Paula Bunyon…just cuz I’m 6’1″. Man, people can be cruel.

  29. Anonymous September 19, 2006 at 3:26 am #

    In my college year book, there was a guy named Richard Peter Wienner (with picture). I never found out if this was the yearbook staff’s joke or if the guy really exists. But, anyway you spell it, the guys a dick.