Law & Order: Poser Victims Unit
Poor little poser girl. She should have listened to her momma when she said good girls don’t go off with strange men who wear purple bandanas because that means they belong to a very, very gay biker gang heavily into S&M (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Geez, what happened here? If I were a poser homicide detective, I would be looking at this scene and scratching my head, saying things like, “Well, shieeet…” A rookie would come up to me and ask how the vic was killed and I will say, “Son, it appears that the suspect coshed the vic over the head with his meaty fist with such force that he broke his wrist. The same force also shoved her breasts all the way down her torso.” The rookie would then ask, “But Detective, what happened to her shoulders? It almost looks like her arms protrude from her chest.” At that, I would just shake my head bitterly and say, “Remember Chernobyl, son. Now go get me a donut.” During the autopsy, the ME will point out the her palm and ask, “What do you suppose that is, Detective?” and I will say, “Damned if I know. It appears to be a dart of some kind. Perhaps a tranq dart.” To that, the ME will reply, “Who the hell would shoot a poor innocent girl with a tranq dart through the hand? Have you been drinking again?” They don’t understand. I drink to numb the pain… THE PAIN! When the vice squad bring in the suspect, everyone will be shocked to find that the man is in a wheelchair on the account that his leg seems to be attached to his pubic area. Where his penis is supposed to be? There’s a leg there. It would explain the rage with which he murdered his victim. I would ask why he picked her and he will say, “She didn’t have a butt. There was only a rounded part where the butt would be, but no crease and no hole.” As they take him away, the rookie will come up to me and say, “Great job, Detective! How did you know he did it?” and I will say, “It’s the eyes, son. The dead fish eyes told me everything I needed to know.”
Last 5 posts by bam
October 18, 2006 at 10:37 am
I’m so disturbed by that bandanna.
And rofl at your hard-boiled mystery solvin’ skeeeels.
Are those stigmata? Now I have to go check out the description of this book.
October 18, 2006 at 10:37 am
Bam, I love you. I think I wet myself a little on this one.
October 18, 2006 at 10:43 am
::SNORT::
October 18, 2006 at 11:23 am
I second Jaimi. I had to run to the bathroom…
And is it me, or do they seem to be floating in mid-air?
October 18, 2006 at 2:33 pm
WTF?
October 18, 2006 at 4:55 pm
You know, I’m almost afraid to ask this but what the heck does that title have to do with that scene?!?
Scratch that. I am too afraid to ask. Whoa! Oh, yeah, that cover is going to convince me to buy an erotic book of ANY kind. Not!
October 18, 2006 at 5:30 pm
bam, woman, that should be framed. Or maybe you should send it out to some Names in Hollywood. There’s a movie in there.
October 19, 2006 at 8:16 pm
The whole cover is disturbing but the most disturbing is his hairy knee that is bent at a most unusual angle. Just looking at it makes me go “whaaaattt? Hairy kneecap?”
November 16, 2006 at 7:25 pm
Tears i tell you – i’ve got tears running down my face from reading your comments on these covers as i laugh myself silly. You are now officially my favorite writer.
Sucky covers have always been a pet peeve but you’ve managed to corral the poor uglies and create something delightful from the stank. I’ll never look at attrocious cover art the same way again.