I’m a huge fan of erotic romance. I like my books chockfull of sex and violence, but I’m wacky like that. I have no problem if there were sex scenes on every other page nor do I care who’s actually having sex—girl/boy, boy/girl/boy, boy/boy—as long as they’re not just throw-away sex scenes and actually do something to advance the plot. If I’m reading your book and I hear a bow-chicka-bow-wow when your characters are about to have sex, I’m going to have hard time taking it seriously and will probably end up rolling my eyes and scoffing instead of getting turned on. But what about when the sexin’ is integral to the plot, but you still hear the porn music? Well, my friends, this book totally answers that for me. I believe I can safely that every single sex scene here is integral to the plot, because each one is executed for the purpose of saving the heroes’ lives. No, I’m not kidding. That is not a joke. The sex in this book is for healing purposes only, just like in… dare I say it… Anita Blake’s world! Okay, that was mean. Evangeline Anderson is a better writer than LKH. Anyway, combined with two of the most cardboard male characters I have ever encountered in the world of fiction—I swear to God, they’re straight out of a Starsky and Hutch fanfic—and a heroine who is so damned naïve and clueless that I just wanted push her out of the way lest she get squashed by a truck, I couldn’t read this book without laughing out loud… unintentionally. On the other hand, the sex is really very super-hot and the world-building, or whatever there is of it, is quite impressive. I swear, if this were a straight buddy-cop sci-fi (with the two male detectives occasionally having sex together), it would be… hey, Evangeline Anderson’s The Assignment!

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First the Invalid Cowboy and now this. Hell, every single kind of cowboy needs love, alright? Especially Beldar. The first thing I noticed about this cover besides the pointiness of that there hat is how much this young man looks remarkably like Shane West, also known as Dr. Ray Barnett, for those of you who still give a shit about E.R. Well, a really pissed off Shane West, say after he found out that A Walk to Remember was a really, really awful movie, no matter people say to the contrary. I’m serious, have you guys seen that piece of turd? It was based on a crappy Nicholas Sparks novel. Man, I hate that guy. Anyway, it’s about a troublemaker, a “rebel” if you will, who plays a prank on the school nerd that ends up badly resulting in the nerd being paralyzed forevah. The rich kid Shane West gets probation or something (because he’s riiiiiich, beeyatch!) and meets Mandy Moore (who is poooooooor), the religious girl that everyone makes fun of because she makes her own clothes or some shit like that and hangs out with Corkies. They fall in love, Mandy Moore gets cancer, they get married in her preacher father’s church, and then she dies. Oh, and Shane West becomes Dr. Ray Barnett. The end. And the soundtrack is full of awful, schmaltzy Mandy Moore songs. I know this because it was the first CD my baby sister ever owned and used to play that thing over and over and over. I broke it in half one day and stashed it under her mattress. My mom bought her a replacement. Sigh. Nicholas Sparks sucks. Ahem. Back to the cover (do we have to?). It’s too bad, really, because if you cut off the dude’s head, this cover is not bad. Sure, the jeans are badly painted on and the sunset in the background is totally cheesy and cheap, but the bod is actually kind of nice. But damn, kids, I can’t get over how pointy his head is. It’s just… crazy.

You may thank Jenn for this cover.

Man, look at these two genetically engineered freaks of nature. They’re both just so pretty, pretty, pretty. Put a wig on that dude and you’d have two chicks on this cover, for real. Homeboy looks like the bastard son of k.d. Lang and Prince or something. Yes, I had to make that joke because it was the most obvious one, sorry. You know me, I go for the low blows. While I admire camera-ready pretty boys, (i.e. Brandon Routh and Tom Welling), I have to put my foot down when the dude looks about… oh, I don’t know, seven years old and the goatee was only added on so that nobody gets accused of peddling child pornography! Speaking of facial hair, check out his brows, dude. They totally look like dueling caterpillars. I think one caterpillar is particularly more pissed off because it has its hackles raised. Heh. Also, I can’t get over his hair. It’s got that overly-gelled spiky look favored by white boys who think they’re thugs or something. Eww. Speaking of hair, I bet he’s hairless all over because he doesn’t even have pubes yet nor have his balls even descended. Nasty. As for the girl, she’s rather pretty, no? It’s a shame about the fuchsia eye shadow, but I think she’s kind of working it with the red hair. She totally looks like a star of one of those forgettable horror movies that Hollywood seems to churn out by the dozens. She’s like… the slut friend of the virgin girl who gets killed first (the slut, not the virgin). Anyway, put some prom gear on these two kids and they’re ready to go. Dude looks pissed, though. I bet it’s because the girl is touching him and he thinks girls have cooties… oh, and he’s gay.

Thanks to Christine for this cover!

I do love Christian Bale. But only in movies. He always looks kind of fug outside of them (he just looks stinky). Sure, there is some hotness creeping in here and here and I’d still totally hit it, but he just looks like… some guy. Like that kind of hot, kind of creepy dude that your friend would set you up with and you can’t decide if you want to hit her or thank her for it. Anyway, he was the one I was picturing in place of Adrien Hunt, the hero of Judith Ivory’s latest reprint, Angel in a Red Dress, which I just finished reading. Who do you picture in place of the hero in your head when you’re reading (especially when the cover is totally fug)?

You know that old saying,”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”? As the title helpfully tells us, the dude in the ten gallon hat has already bagged the Amy Smart looking chick next to him, so why does he have to marry her? In the world of Harlequin, that’s simple. Either a) the dumb ho got pregnant and the man’s unrelenting code of honor compels him to drag the woman down the aisle or b) he is angling for a partnership at the firm where he’s a lawyer and the partners only look at “family men” as potential partners. If you think I’m being cynical, take a closer look at these two and tell me they’re the picture of bliss. Yeah, that’s what I thought, bitches! Step off.

I swear to god, this guy looks like John Corbett and looks eerily like the guy from that book with the Worst. Title. Ever. You know, I think they’re the same guy ’cause they sport the same exact constipated expression at the thought of matrimony. Anyway, you know this wedding is a fancy occassion because he’s wearing his special string tie. Nothing screams “high class” like a string tie, y’all. It’s all the rage at the Austin Fashion Week. I can’t tell if Amy Smart is disgusted with the man himself or if she’s afraid that a creature is hiding under his hat and will launch out and bite her in the neck in the middle of the ceremony. Maybe it’s utter revulsion or morbid fascination, but she’s certainly looking at that hat with suspicion as well. Whatever it is, I love it. Work it, girlfriend.