Hey, Anita Blake fans, check this out! According to LKH, this picture is really, really sexy. Really.

We took pictures of Anita holding a gun while wearing the zombie penguin shirt and a picture of Jean-Claude leaning against a wall and looking just scrumptious to a convention, and there was almost a fistfight over who wanted to hold the pictures.

Oh, that’s not an exaggeration at all. I’m so sure that fans were so excited to get their hands on this thing that they were actual (almost) fistfights. I’m so happy that LKH equates her fans with kindergarteners who fight over who gets to take the class gerbil home. Nice one. Honestly, kids, I was happier when I didn’t know what Jean Claude looked like. This dude looks like he goes through four bottles of Soul-Glo just to get that right amount of sheen and slime to his manly locks. Gross. And what’s with the band-aid over his boobage? Did he cut himself shaving or something? Eww. I don’t dig his overly lean and muscled body, either. It reminds me of the model of the human musculatory system that I saw on my A.P. Physiology book. I kind of dig the lace-up leather pants he’s wearing, though (is it me or are his humongous balls scary as hell?). It takes a special kind of man to pull that look off and that kind of man also sleeps with other men (which Jean Claude enthusiastically does). LKH always talks about how “manly” Jean Claude is even though he’s supposedly prettier than Anita, but you guys, JC just looks like a bitch here. The kind of bitch who’d throw acid on your face if he caught you talking to his man. Hell, I bet he’d scare the shit out of Joan Collins, looking like he does.

P.S. I will admit that he does look kind of sexy.

Thanks to Meljean for the tip. MJ, though I love you a whole lot, sometimes I hate you a little when you send me this stuff. It’s been burned into my retina, thanks to you.

The best thing about this cover is the haircut of the blonde(s). Do you think my hairstylist would think I was nuts if I gave her a print-out of this cover and said, “Okay, do this to me.” The girls look alright, right? As Tyra would say, bitches look fierce. Which is why I have a hard time believing that either of them would have anything to do with the R-tard standing between them. Look at that guy, he looks like he escaped from his special ed class or something. All that’s missing is a drool cup, for real. Dude slapped a tricorne on his head, grabbed a ratty old bathrobe, and all of a sudden he thinks he’s Captain Jack Sparrow and shit. I just feel so bad for him, standing between two women who look like they could tear his ass to shreds and he’s just gawking at them, like he thinks he’s actually going to get lucky. I mean, it’s totally obvious that the twins want to do each other. Hell-o! Talk about a serious case of narcissism. Dude is cross-eyed, as pale as Casper the Friendly Ghost, and saggy man boobs. Dude, my dead grandma has firmer boobs than that. I do like that he’s holding his fist to his face like he’s the Thinker and shit. Awww… he’s trying to look smart, you guys! I mean, seriously, why is he wearing a pirate hat? This is obviously a futuristic romance… isn’t it? Why else would the two girls be dressed like Star Trek villains?

Poor little poser girl. She should have listened to her momma when she said good girls don’t go off with strange men who wear purple bandanas because that means they belong to a very, very gay biker gang heavily into S&M (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Geez, what happened here? If I were a poser homicide detective, I would be looking at this scene and scratching my head, saying things like, “Well, shieeet…” A rookie would come up to me and ask how the vic was killed and I will say, “Son, it appears that the suspect coshed the vic over the head with his meaty fist with such force that he broke his wrist. The same force also shoved her breasts all the way down her torso.” The rookie would then ask, “But Detective, what happened to her shoulders? It almost looks like her arms protrude from her chest.” At that, I would just shake my head bitterly and say, “Remember Chernobyl, son. Now go get me a donut.” During the autopsy, the ME will point out the her palm and ask, “What do you suppose that is, Detective?” and I will say, “Damned if I know. It appears to be a dart of some kind. Perhaps a tranq dart.” To that, the ME will reply, “Who the hell would shoot a poor innocent girl with a tranq dart through the hand? Have you been drinking again?” They don’t understand. I drink to numb the pain… THE PAIN! When the vice squad bring in the suspect, everyone will be shocked to find that the man is in a wheelchair on the account that his leg seems to be attached to his pubic area. Where his penis is supposed to be? There’s a leg there. It would explain the rage with which he murdered his victim. I would ask why he picked her and he will say, “She didn’t have a butt. There was only a rounded part where the butt would be, but no crease and no hole.” As they take him away, the rookie will come up to me and say, “Great job, Detective! How did you know he did it?” and I will say, “It’s the eyes, son. The dead fish eyes told me everything I needed to know.”

There’s something that’s just not right with this cover. First of all, the dude holding the baby looks like the Mad Hatter, a ridiculous Batman villain based on an Alice in Wonderland character of the same name. Like the Mad Hatter, this dude has a seriously narrow face and I bet that if you pull back his lips, it would reveal buck teeth the likes of which Bugs Bunny has never experienced, even on a bad day. He’s just not very attractive. If he were a shape-shifter, I bet his animal would be a rodent of some sort… maybe a gerbil. Why is he shirtless, anyway? I bet his ratty ass chest hair is giving that poor baby diaper rash. He also seems to be looking at the baby with desire… not sexual desire, pervs. I think he wants to eat it. That’s why he’s called the Beast… a baby-eating beast. Speaking of babies, look at that thing. IT IS HUGE! I don’t know a lot about babies, admittedly, but that thing is pretty big, isn’t it? And quite pink, if I may add. The Beast doesn’t seem to be doing a very good job of holding it, don’t you think? Babies squirm and cry, dude. Y’all, I think the Beast is about to drop the damn thing. I know it, you know it, even the baby knows it. In fact, though we can’t see the little bugger’s face, I bet he’s thinking, “Dude, just try it, Drop me and I’ll make sure you never EVER get a moment’s peace with my mom ever again.”

Thanks to Christine for this cover.

On this here Friday the 13th, I thought you guys deserved a treat. And that’s exactly what a skinny ass cowboy with a broken arm is. A treat! Dude should have kept his shirt on. Since he’s already wearing a black hat, he might as well have put on a black shirt, too. Would have helped this cover immensely. Notice the complete lack of muscular definition on this guy’s chest. Check out his bony ass chicken wing arms. I thought cowboys got all muscled from roping steers and shit. While I am not a huge fan of overly muscled guys, I like my boys with some muscular definition. This guy just looks like he just woke up from a ten year coma after getting stabbed in the head by a bull’s horns or something. And why does he look so constipated? His face is pinched like he’s just holding in a gigantic smelly fart. Or maybe he had already let it out, which would account for the “smell the fart” scowl on his face. I have the feeling that if you took off his hat, you’d find a bald head under there. He just looks like the kind of guy who’d wear a Stetson to cover male pattern baldness. On the other hand, I really like the font that was used here. It’s very clean-looking. The author also has a cool name. She sounds like a soap opera villain. Awesome.

Thanks to the lovely Sybil for this cover.