14 Responses to “The Latest Craze in Paranormal Romance”

1. December Quinn Posted: Nov 20th, 2006 at 9:51 am

   1 Val Kilmer’s wearing leggings. *chokes* I think the front guy looks like a televangelist about to get himself a man-whore.

2. bam Posted: Nov 20th, 2006 at 9:52 am

   2 Dude, those aren’t just leggings… they’re 80s style jazzercise leggings. That’s hot.

3. darragha Posted: Nov 20th, 2006 at 10:50 am

   3 I would so run away from the grape-smuggler dude on the right. Is this what zombies look like now? I kind of imagine all zombies looking like George Romero’s 1960’s “Night of the Living Dead” zombies. Zombie sex. Pros: since the zombie is in a state of decomp, any STD’s have probably been obliterated. low sperm count. wouldn’t discriminate against ultra thin models. Cons: the smell.

4. LaKaribane Posted: Nov 20th, 2006 at 11:22 am

   4 Bam, I love your blog but I have to speak against this gross misrepresentation of Zombies. I come from the land who invented Zombification and I can tell you that, while Zombies cannot make the ideal boyfriend, they WILL make the next best thing : the ideal sex slave. Yes, ladies, you read me right, get yourselves a zombie and you get yourselves a real live boy toy. Yes, I said LIVE. Let me dispell myth #1 about zombies : they aren’t dead. They are in an altered state induced by heavy drugs, most notably a toxin produce by a fish well known in Japanese cooking. Which brings me to myth #2, they don’t decompose. Instead you have a healthy, living breathing drone who can and will do EVERYTHING you ask him to. How great is that? (Sorry, Darragha, that rules out the STD thing you were hinting at). Of course, in the interest of full disclosure, there are constaints. #1 : No salt so you can’t feed him pop corn while he’s giving you a manicure. #2 He’s basically like a big machine so if you don’t tell him to do this or that, he’ll just repeat one task forever. (On the other hand, sexwise, this could be a good thing). And, obviously, you have to feed and clothe him…well, that last part is highly optional Hum, the more I think about this, the more I see a business opportunity in the making “Why put new batteries in your BOB: get a Zombie sex slave”. Call us today for a free brochure at 1-800-My-Zombie or log onto www.mypersonalzombie.com

5. shuzluva Posted: Nov 20th, 2006 at 12:41 pm

   5 I just set the zombies as wallpaper for my big screen. I need a great laugh every now and then.

6. dorothy Posted: Nov 20th, 2006 at 12:47 pm

   6 I love the fabulously *ordinary* neighborhood setting, complete with front-loading garages, SUVs in the driveway, and fire hydrant. I wonder why a team of scantily-clad gigalos never show up in my whitebread neighborhood? Why? WHY?

7. AnneD Posted: Nov 20th, 2006 at 12:50 pm

   7 OMG, when did Donny Osmond take up cover page modelling? I know he has some thing going on with Weird AL and all, maybe this is another ‘new’ feather to the Osmond family cap? Maybe he and Marie will be doing clinch covers next?

8. kate r Posted: Nov 20th, 2006 at 1:26 pm

   8 but don’t they walk funny? hmm. Wonder why.

9. Charlene Posted: Nov 20th, 2006 at 4:48 pm

   9 The guy on the right looks like a cardboard cutout of the Dell Dude that’s been propped up in somebody’s driveway.

10. Laura Posted: Nov 20th, 2006 at 6:08 pm

    10 Oh great, now I have the Cranberries stuck in my head.

11. Wylie Posted: Nov 20th, 2006 at 6:56 pm

    11 Oh man, if Zombies are ‘what’s new’ in the romance genre, I’m totally switching back to reading Nancy Drew. Or maybe the Dick & Jane readers.

12. Darragha Posted: Nov 21st, 2006 at 5:50 am

    12 I am a closet Osmond fan. I listen to my old albums in secret. I cherish my 1970’s “Jay Osmond” pillowcase. I saw the Osmond Brothers in concert in 1971 and I’ve never been the same. Help me.

13. Skapusniak Posted: Nov 21st, 2006 at 6:28 am

    13 For some reason the conversation reminds me of a thing I plonked down itn times long ago when my muse still talked to me….not sure if this qualifies as ‘romantic’ tho’. : shimmering flashback to doodlings of yore. Warning sirens go Awwugah! Awwwugah! For language, and bad-acting : … Puce The phone rang, she answered. ‘Yes, and what do _you_ want..??’ she snapped. ‘You’re dead bitch, you are DEAD…’ ‘I admit it,’ she admitted, ‘the pallid complexion and the tendency to shed decaying flesh is certainly pushing me toward that conclusion this morning.’ She regarded her reflection in the full length mirror with distaste, the burning lines of script painted across her naked and frankly now unhealthily _squishy_ flesh were certainly going to have to go. She sighed. Why did all the really cute men she picked up turn out to be such sick jerks? The late ‘Elroy’ had been exceptionally sick, even by her disasterous standards. Gazing pensively at the bloodied head that stared sightlessly at her from dresser, she consoled herself that decapitation had been _much_ to good for the snivelling nercromancing pervert. Next time, she told herself sternly, remember to hack their heads off _before_ they kill you and raise your rotting body from the grave. ‘…we KNOW where you LIVE…’ continued the deep male voice on the other end of the line. ‘Good,’ she said, suddenly realising that Mr. Mystery Voice might be actually be turned to good account, ‘you can come and pick up this spare corpse I seem to have acquired. Sounds right in your line.’ ‘…Listen BITCH…’ Mystery Voice appeared peeved at having to break off his prepared script, ‘…the only corpse that’s going to be disposed of around here is YOUR OWN…We are going to KILL YOU, comprendez?’ She ground her rotten teeth, ‘I thought,’ she spat with contempt, ‘that we had established that I am _already_ very dead. Your efforts are not, I repeat NOT required in this area. However, I do have a rapidly stiffening deceased guy here, in only two sections, which I’m willing to let you have for an _extremely_ modest fee. Unlike _my_ corpse which I still require the use of, friend ‘Elroy’ is entirely surplus to requirements.’ ‘Elroy?’ ‘Yeah, Elroy, a bloody stupid name for a bloody lousy fuck.’ ‘Not THE Elroy?’ ‘Look, I woke up this morning and found myself dead. I find that it makes one just a _little_ slow on the uptake…’ ‘Elroy ‘The Weasel’ Potempkin? You’ve offed The Weasel !?!’ ‘Well he does seem to have that small mammal look,’ she regarded the mortal remains a little sadly, ‘I thought it was kinda cute. Anyway, he can’t complain. He killed me first.’ ‘Jeezus, the incompetent, careless, inconsiderate bastard. I’ll kill him, when I get my hands on him, I’LL FUCKING KILL HIM…’ ‘Hmmm, do you ever intend to kill people who aren’t _already_ dead? Or is that a personal question?’ ‘…Stay out of trouble, I said. We’ll handle it, I said. No need for you to go freelancing Elroy, I said. Pick yourself a nice whore, spend the night a fancy hotel and it’ll all look better in the morning. We’ll waste the treacherous bitch, no offense ma’am, for you, and you won’t even have to lift a finger. It’ll be a really tasteful job.’ ‘Perhaps tasteful isn’t friend Elroy’s style, eh?’ she said eyeing dubiously a pool of vomit she’d just noticed seeping out from under the bed. Mystery Voice snorted, ‘He once wore puce. On a job.’ ‘Ah. I sure can pick ‘em can’t I?’ ‘Insisted we call him ‘Mr. Puce’ for a month. Pretentious ass.’ ‘The man obviously has, sorry _had_, no style. Distressing for you, in your line of business…?’ ‘Imperial Protection and Security Services, its a tough game ma’am. Have to keep up the right appearance. Mr. Puce, Hah!’ Mystery Voice repeated direfully. ‘This is not an Empire.’ ‘Yet. The Emperor intends, sorry _intended_, to change that, SHIT!’ Mystery Voice seemed distressed at the slip, ‘If there was an Emperor, which there isn’t, and the Emperor certainly isn’t, wasn’t, The Weasel, he would have wanted to you to be clear on that if he existed, which he doesn’t, didn’t, he certainly didn’t intend anything at all ma’am.’ ‘I’m curious…’ ‘Ma’am?’ ‘If there was an Emperor, which there isn’t, and the Emperor was friend Elroy, which he isn’t, wasn’t, who would not be the next in line to the Imperial throne, if there was an Imperial throne, which there isn’t?’ ‘You would not be the Emperor’s heir, that’s why we were not going to kill you ma’am.’ ‘But that means I’m…’ ‘…not the Emperess, ma’am, yes.’ ‘Except I’m dead.’ ‘So are any of the heirs and successors the you don’t have, should you not command it ma’am.’ ‘I see…He fucked up big then?’ ‘He fucked up REAL big.’ she was informed with feeling. … HTH!

14. Mrs G Posted: Nov 24th, 2006 at 11:45 pm

    14 Speaking of zombie sex, be grateful you never encountered where I did on one of those random “I put my erotic stories online for all to read” websites out there: a story of a sexual encounter between a woman and an actual (you know, rotting and all) zombie. I’m lucky I wasn’t traumatized too much by descriptions of bits of flesh falling off here and there and… other things.