December 2006 archive

Santa-licious Man-Titty for Mah Bitchez

Happy Holidays, Whooooorez. will be back next year for more snarky goodness and other junk that’s sure to give you mental STDs. Don’t drink and drive, use a condom, and don’t do anything I would do.

While I’m gone, feel free to browse my archives and write me emails threatening to kill me if I don’t come back soon. In the meantime, check out this sweet, sweet cover. Can you imagine seeing this guy underneath your Christmas Tree? Sweet. Dude looks like a young, deranged, and melty Ray Liotta. Y’all, I think he’s made of wax. And I’m a little disappointed about the lack of boobage. What the fuck, right? And dude’s got some soy sauce on his chest, I think… wait, no, that’s his sorry-ass attempt to grow hair. Sad face. Also, I suspect he’s wearing (boxing?) gloves ’cause HE’S CUT OFF ALL OF HIS FINGERS! Oh and the crust on his lips? Herpes. Gorgeous! Seriously, dude, this cover is a Monet. From far away, s’okay, but upclose… it’s scary. I love it!

As soon as I come back, I will hold a public hanging/praising for Meljean Brook’s Demon Angel and Jackie Kessler’s Hell’s Belles. Either way, it’ll be a lot of fun and we’ll have some laughs. If I can make either of them cry or threaten me with death, it’ll be a good story to tell my sister’s grandkids. Ha ha ha.

Now go forth and multiply be merry, you dirty bitchez.

What (Who) I Want for Christmas

Dear Santa: Please leave this man naked (oh and alive) with only a red bow tie around his neck underneath my Christmas tree. And please make sure you do it while Tim’s taking a nap or in the bathroom. Better yet, maybe you can just take me and Justin Hartley to another dimension where we won’t be disturbed for a hundred years. After we shag about a million times, you can return me to my beloved Tim like only five minutes had gone by, so I could tell him I just went for a walk. Thanks.

Love, Bam

P.S. I’m so going to marry him after he divorces that chick from Passions.

P.P.S. How can anybody not love this man when he looks like this AND looks even better in tights?

And Yet Another Book

…I’d kill any of you for. I am not even joking. I cannot even express what a huge fan I am of Joey W. Hill‘s exquisite, erotic, dark-as-hell, eloquent prose. I emailed her, like, last week and begged her for an ARC. I think I even promised her my left leg in exchange for one. To my surprise, she was totally gracious and didn’t tell me to fuck off. She didn’t even want my leg (wtf?). She totally rocks hard-core, man. Anyway, you guys can go ahead and drool over this cover which Sister Jane from DearAuthor sent me. As much as I admire this cover, something about it kind of bothered me… it… um… how shall I put this… looks alarmingly a lot like the cover of Natural Law, a truly awesome book by the same author. The placement of the woman’s hands is different, as well as the type of handcuffs on homeboy, but… huh… it’s… um… ahem… well, they’re like siblings, I guess. Maybe the covers are brothers with different mommies. Anyway, my favorite part of this cover is the FUCKING SKULL RING on the chick’s finger (Jane likes it too). That rocks. You can click on the cover to bring up the larger image, but dude, that’s so punk-rock. The chick got some sharp ass ghetto nails, too. I bet she’d cut a bitch for real, for real. My only complaint about the cover? The frickin’ red font of the title, dude. It’s hella glaring. And why isn’t Joey W. Hill’s name bigger? She’s a superstar, man! Okay, okay, I will concede that this is her first New York book… but her name better be bigger on the next book. Grrr. Represent, sista!

Squeeeee! I cannot wait to read this book. It’s going to kick ass, I tell ya.

Because We Can’t Get Enough…

of Nekkid People! Check this out, kids! It’s bloody brilliant. By the way, don’t click it if you’re offended by pictures of regular-looking people in coitus. They’re ordinary folks, not Abercrombie models, so some of them are kind of fug. But that’s the beauty of it! Ugly people have sex too! Awesome.

Seriously, kids, why does this picture make me think of Anita Blake?

Hot Cover of the Week

Hot damn! Check out this cover, children. I know I haven’t featured a really hot cover in a while, but doesn’t this make up for everything? Five bucks say this cover was designed by April Martinez… (goes to LSB to check). Hah! I was right. Dude, I’ve been at this cover snarking for so long that I can even name the graphic artist. I’m so awesome. Enough about me. This post is all about giving major props to April because this is her, like… hundredth Hot Cover of the Week from me. I hold firm the belief that all covers of e-books should be designed by April. No, seriously, she didn’t pay me any money. She and I once played this game where I had to guess how may stock pictures she used to create one cover and I did really poorly. Usually, it’s totally obvious when a cover is just a bunch of pictures poorly spliced together, but… damn… if this cover is a damn composite, I can’t tell. It’s so seamless and smooth. Good job, April! Man, I totally covet the blond girl’s skin. It’s so creeeeamy and satiny, like a mother’s milk. Lucky bitch. I just love the color contrast between the nubian god’s chocolate salty goodness and the girl’s peaches and cream silkiness. Very, very sexy. I’m also digging the primitive and oh so possessive way he’s holding her… like “you’re not going to get away, bitch!” which is, like… sexy instead of scary, oddly enough. I’m also a fan of the title. Topping Tora. Alliterative titles are the hotness. I read the excerpt. There’s “heavy spanking”. What are you waiting for, bitches? Go get it!

Thanks to Sandie for the heads-up on this cover!

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