Hmmm… you know I’ve always wondered: since the Navy SEALS are too busy running around chasing unmarried mothers and virgin librarians, who the hell is defending our country from the Canadians?

Anyway, is it me or does this dude look a little short? There’s something about the angle upon which the picture was taken that makes him look kind of short. Maybe it’s his torso. It looks compact and… you know, he’s what one would call a “barrel-chested man,” I think. ‘Cause damn… look at those titties. I’m sorry, but that is at least a C-cup. If he were a chick in a horror movie, there would already be sprinklers going off over his head for no damn reason, soaking him and making the tank top cling to his bosom. And he’s already got the requisite white tank top for it! Hot! I am a huge fan of his arms, though. God, I love me a man with biceps like that. Even that tattoo is hot. Is that an eagle? At first I thought it was the bat logo and I got all excited.

Too bad he’s probably like… 5′8, at most. Can you just imagine this little dude strutting around with his big ole barrel-chest and four or five gold chains around his neck? Maybe it was the way the picture was cut off that we don’t get to see if he’s got legs that go for miles and miles. He just looks… squished.

Dudes, allow me to totally geek out for a few seconds here. I’m a huge JLA fan and when I saw this cover, it totally reminded me of that episode where Superman gets pissed at Doomsday and zaps him on the forehead with his laser vision, effectively lobotomizing him. It flashes to Arkham and there were all these lobotomized former villains, just wandering around all dazed and shit, with dead fish-eyes. Man, that episode was creepy. If you’re a JLA geek too, holla at yo gurl!

Anyway, I just didn’t think the Justice Lords would get Michelle Pfeiffer too. Bastards. She was awesome in Dangerous Minds, you monsters! Oh man, don’t you love her hair? I can totally see how she styled it too. With a comb, she took the front of her hair, swept it off to the side, and went batshit crazy with her can of Aquanet. Then she did for the other side. That’s so 80s! Man, maybe she even used a pick on that thing. Damn, look at that jaw, though. So manly. Yet the purple eyes tell you she’s totally girly… and maybe she’s got speshul powers too, who knows. Maybe she heals with her vagina. That’s a possibility too! I can’t decide though if she’s wearing a turtleneck or if the skin on her neck just doesn’t match her face. Man, the bitch put on too much foundation. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BLEND, DUMMY! Anyway, maybe she should lay off the Aquanet. Her hair is seriously fried. Maybe she should get herself to a salon and get a hot-oil treatment, stat!

Thanks to Marumae for the cover!

Grade: B-

Dear Bam,

I read The Taste Tester by Maeve Beckham and I promise you, this is not like any other romantica book you’ve read. Note that the title of the book is actually The Taste Tester From Ava’s Blog, and that is exactly what this book is; a series of blog entries detailing the relationship, or more specifically, the sexual relationship between Ava and her boyfriend Jack. That is not to say there is no relationship growth here; quite the opposite in fact. However, I’ll get to that later.

Jack and Ava are in a committed relationship, live together and have an active, healthy (so damn healthy that I’m jealous) sex life. While there are no multiple partner surprises, no aliens, vampires or were-people, nearly every variation of sex is explored in this book, with special emphasis on oral play. Holy fuck, that sounds so damn clinical. Let’s cut to the chase: Ava likes giving Jack BJ’s but hates swallowing because she thinks his jizz tastes like the floor of a movie theater after a showing of The Blair Witch Project. So she and Jack embark on a month-long plan to put Jack on different diets to try to improve the taste of his spunk. I noted that nearly every variation of sex is explored, right? Well, if you’re not into repeatedly reading about the fine details of sex, this book isn’t for you. However, Ms. Beckham can definitely write those details well and this book was quite a turn on.

Ava comes across as a regular, hardworking chick and but for the fact that she’s posting every single detail of her sexual escapades online, she seems a normal girl… whatever that really means. Jack, on the other hand, is nearly Mr. Perfect. He anticipates Ava’s desires and feelings with an ability that borders on supernatural, is able to read subtle body language and gives small gifts and gestures that are straight out of fantasy land. While this gave the book a slightly unreal quality, Ms. Beckham was able to bring things back to Earth with gems like this:

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[Warning: This review is chock full of spoilers for the prequel to this book, Divine by Mistake. I am not joking.]

[Note: Have I mentioned I’m a PC Cast fangirl? Seriously, kids, this is about to get embarrassing. For me. There is some serious, creepy-ass fan-gushing about to commence up in here.]

Grade: B+

Technically, there is nothing wrong with this book. I just couldn’t read it. Not that it’s bad. Oh, no, it’s far from bad. But I read it halfway through, set it down, and didn’t pick it up again for 2 months. Because I couldn’t read it. In fact, I had to force myself to finish it. I couldn’t read it because it physically made my heart hurt to read. I’m not kidding. I was so anxious about how it was all going to turn out in the end, biting my nails and tearing out my hair, that I had to put it down or lose my mind. Again, not because it’s bad. Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

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Hey, bitches, check this out:

True love, freedom, money, knowledge, revenge… Dreams and desires of the ordinary woman, or man. From best friends who discover love to a bank teller who exacts revenge to a succubus who loves art more than men, this collection of nineteen stories celebrates the attainment of all one can dream or desire. Which one do you secretly yearn for?

By purchasing this collection, you can help turn someone’s nightmare into the pursuit of dreams. Every year, four million women are assaulted by their partners. At Freya’s Bower, we want to do our part to bring this statistic down to zero. To this end, all net proceeds from every Dreams and Desire anthology purchased will go to a battered woman’s shelter. Through education and support, we can make a difference.

The author line-up sounds pretty impressive and includes Jackie Kessler of Hell’s Belles. Let’s help out our needy, suffering sisters and buy this anthology.