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You Tell ‘Em, Crazy Lady!

The brilliantly acerbic Karen has already expounded on LKH bitching about her “negative readers” and expressed everything I wanted to say so eloquently, so I’m not even gonna add anything to it. If you haven’t read LKH’s “fuck you negative readers” rant, check it out here (I’d like to think I’m one of the readers she snarls about). I only mean to whine and cry about the spoilers she provides in the same post about the latest Anita book (which I’ve got on pre-order, btw).

For those who […]are continuing to read the Anita series, here are hints about THE HARLEQUIN. First, Edward is in the book in a major way. Second, so is Olaf. Yeah, serial killer guy is back. Anita ends up feeding full blown arduer on three characters she’s never been with before. And she, and I, are okay with them. Some of the stuff in DANSE MACABRE was over the edge of whatever for both her and me. Anita is really, really, looking forward to having more control over the arduer.

Oh, dear Science. First of all, she can’t even spell “ardeur”. Secondly, I JUST KNOW one of those three will be Edward. Would that be the straw to break the camel’s back? No. Short of Anita resorting to have sex with children and eating puppies raw and squirming, I will never give up on this series. No, it’s not because I hope and pray before I read every new book that it’s going to be better than the last. No, I have no hopes any more that it’s ever going to improve or even resemble anything that makes sense. Karen has once said it best, “You love LKH like fat kid loves cake.” Amen, Karen, and fuck you.

Oh, and that reminds me… I bet Olaf has a HUUUUUGE penis.

One of the wereanimal groups will betray Jean-Claude, and Anita.

Hmmm… I’m gonna go ahead and guess “the wererats” for this one. We haven’t seen Rafael the Wererat King in a while and I’m pretty sure Anita hasn’t had sex with him. It can’t be the wereleopards because Micah has no balls and the rest of them are beaten, defeated kittens, nor can it be the wolves because Richard, like Micah, has no balls. On the other hand, Shang-Da and Jamil still hate Anita… so… hm… I’ll have to think on this some more. Maybe Richard will finally summon the courage to kill himself, thus ending the Anita-Richard-Jean Claude triumvirate… and effectively killing Anita and Jean Claude. Oh, but that’s probably not going to happen because, “They are real to me, and to a lot of other people. I, and a lot of readers, would feel an emotional loss if some of these guys died.” So shut your faces, dissenters.

Marmee Noir will be back. Belle Morte makes a guest appearance that caught me, and Anita by surprise.

Oh good. Will they bring some semblance of a plot with them as a gift?

Nathaniel will be asking Anita to step up to bat for their relationship. What does that mean? Let’s just say that what Nathaniel wants out of a relationship and what Anita wants out of one, may not match. Relationships are all about compromise. I know, I know, Anita doesn’t compromise, but she’s trying. She really is.

Okay, I’m listening… believe it or not, I’m actually quite interested in the character development of Nathaniel and am really curious as to where LKH will take him and Anita. No, seriously. I am not joking. Nathaniel, after Edward, is the one character I’ve always been interested in. Yes, I’m serious. I mean, we watched him grow from this pathetic, creepy, spineless baby-man to this pathetic, less creepy, spineless, housewifey-man… yeah?

The Church of Eternal Life is back on stage. Malcolm is coming to Anita and Jean-Claude for help. You know he must be desperate to come to them, and he is.

Wait… doesn’t everybody? Aren’t they the King and Queen of St. Louis yet? Why wouldn’t Malcolm go to them? They’re the most powerful beings in the area.

Asher gets to show there’s a reason beyond sentimentality that he is Jean-Claude’s second in command.

Huh. I was wondering what happened to him.

I’m sorry, guys, but as cluster-fucky and convoluted as it all sounds, I’m really excited to get my hands on this book. I’m serious. It sounds like Anita is finally going to get out of the bedroom for once. Whoo-hoo.

Oh and for you “ardeur” haters, LKH wants you to know it’s not going to go away, so you can stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

The arduer is a pain in my, and Anita’s butt, too. But I believe in my world. I’ve done this major metaphysical event. I won’t just ‘fix it’ because it’s hard to write around. God, knows, sometimes it is. But the arduer is moving along. I’ve got my fix in mind, but it’s logical, not something that’s merely convenient, or because some people hate it. But the arduer is not going away. If that’s what you guys are wanting, then it ain’t happening. Leave now, because more arduer awaits. The arduer is evolving, as are Anita’s powers, but I don’t see the arduer going poof.

Ooooh… IN YOUR FACE! IN YOUR FACE! INNNNN YOOOOUUR FAA—Ahem. And she doesn’t give a shit what you think about her comma usage, either!

Maybe you do not feel for Anita’s torment as she’s pushed further and further outside her comfort zones. Maybe you do not feel any of that. If you don’t feel it, then I have failed you as a writer. I am sorry for that. If you do not feel the touch of my characters, the emotional pain, the emotional triumphs, then I have failed you. You should stop reading me.

No. No, I won’t. So there.

This entry was posted on Monday, January 1st, 2007 at 8:41 pm and is filed under Et Cetera, FanGrrrl Squee!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

18 Responses to “You Tell ‘Em, Crazy Lady!”

  1. Jackie
    Posted: Jan 1st, 2007 at 9:14 pm
    1

    Oh good. Will they bring some semblance of a plot with them as a gift?

    God, I’ve missed you, Bam.

    Let Anita fuck Olaf. Yay, Anita and serial killer dude! But she better keep her claws off of Edward. PLEASE don’t neuter (or should that be “nutuer”?) Edward.

    Pretty please? With Nathanial and Micah on top?

    Hey, Bam: Has the RIPT team showed up at all in the last two books?

  2. bam
    Posted: Jan 1st, 2007 at 9:21 pm
    2
    Author Comment

    Hey, Bam: Has the RIPT team showed up at all in the last two books?

    I think the last time we saw the RIPT team was when Anita sprung Jean Claude out of jail. That might be… Narcissus? Someone correct me if I’m wrong.

  3. Karen Scott
    Posted: Jan 1st, 2007 at 11:29 pm
    3

    Lol, she’s your literary crack, you know she is!

  4. rhian
    Posted: Jan 2nd, 2007 at 2:32 am
    4

    Now did I not tell you that she was scoping out your blog? Heh. See, she’s secretly addicted to you too… can’t get enough…. gotta have it. BIG SIGH - it’s sooooooooo sweet getting a Bam fix.

  5. December Quinn
    Posted: Jan 2nd, 2007 at 2:43 am
    5

    What a pile of crap. “If you don’t like it, go read something less complex…less emotionally challenging”? So if I don’t like the books it’s because I don’t understand them? No, I’m fully capable of understanding them–I’m even capable of spotting the huge plot holes Ms. Intellectual Who Misspells Areur When It’s Her Own Stupid Invention doesn’t. And emotionally challenging doesn’t bother me, either. These books are neither complex nor emotionally challenging, as robotic non-characters with blank eyes have rote sex for page after page before the solution to whatever contrived problem the book’s set up falls into their (presumably sore and stinky) laps. “My books aren’t tidy and orderly”? (In other words, “my books don’t have a logical plot or make sense”?

    I didn’t buy Danse Macabre, and I don’t know if I’ll buy this one. And I firmly believe her fangirls are buying the hardcover, and those of us fascinated by the trainwreck are buying the paperbacks. “Small minority” my ass.

  6. kate r
    Posted: Jan 2nd, 2007 at 7:21 am
    6

    I’d miss LKH if she stopped the series only because you’d have no chance to go ballistic. It’s that special crazy that only Anita can bring on Bam; only she can make you froth at the mouth.

    I missed you while you were gone too, bitch.

  7. Robyn
    Posted: Jan 2nd, 2007 at 7:26 am
    7

    I missed you. I can’t wait until I publish something you’ll rip because you don’t understand it and I can cry out that you’re an Un-Pollyanna-ish bitch that hurt my feeeeeelings. But I’ll still love you.

  8. shuzluva
    Posted: Jan 2nd, 2007 at 7:26 am
    8

    My darling Bam, I agree with Karen…LKH is your crack. I am so happy, happy, happy I never got addicted to this crap! However, reading your fangirl rants makes me think I might be missing something….

    ….Nah. I just love reading about you going off the deep end.

    Happy New Year, and I can’t wait to read more!

  9. Lady T
    Posted: Jan 2nd, 2007 at 8:03 am
    9

    I can’t decide who is crazier,LKH or Anne Rice. I remember reading an AR interview in TV Guide where she said that if Lestat showed up at her door,she wouldn’t be able to resist him but as far as I know,she’s never tried to buy any of her characters Christmas gifts!

    LKH is a total whiner baby-if she wants to know what having a negative reader on her back is really like,she should go read Stephen King’s Misery or better yet,thank her lucky stars that none of them ever broke into her house(which happened in real life to Big Steve!).

    Oh,and Happy New Year,Bam:)

  10. Keishon
    Posted: Jan 2nd, 2007 at 9:40 am
    10

    Edward and Anita doing the nasty? Gag. I wouldn’t want to go there. I’m sorta ticked off by her rant and will address it later.

  11. Nonny
    Posted: Jan 2nd, 2007 at 10:52 am
    11

    December said: And I firmly believe her fangirls are buying the hardcover, and those of us fascinated by the trainwreck are buying the paperbacks.

    I can’t speak for everyone else–obviously!–but I refuse to buy her book new. My husband is not altogether happy with this, because he (for some perverted reason) still enjoys her books, though he hasn’t read the fuckfest that is the latest Merry Gentry novel. I refuse to put a cent more in that woman’s pocket.

  12. sallahdog
    Posted: Jan 2nd, 2007 at 11:39 am
    12

    Bam,
    You are an ….enabler….
    You pay retail, putting money in LKH’s pocket, which allows her to buy the crack that is fueling the crazy ass fantasies that she is now Anita, and living out her personal fantasies …
    Do you not care that you are one of the reasons she sites (her book sales numbers) to show that she is the bestestest writer in the whole world? You are fueling her delusions, Girl, stop it!
    Bam, if you don’t stop, some of us are going to have to do an intervention on you, its too late for LKH, but not for you. At least do what I do, and not PAY for the dang book. I admit it, I still go to the bookstore and skim or snag the book from a friend who is fool enough to buy the book (although she always insists she buys them used). They are entertaining, in a train wreck way , but not Danse, I couldnt skim for more than 3 minutes before I just said no…
    STEP AWAY FROM THE LEDGE!

  13. Jen
    Posted: Jan 2nd, 2007 at 12:49 pm
    13

    *delurks*

    You know, LKH is so insistent that the majority of her fans love her books, but I gotta wonder- where are those people? Do they really exist? I’ve been a self-confessed LKH enabler (I even defended Incubus Dreams), but I’m perilously close to done with her. I couldn’t finish the latest Merry Gentry, and Anita’s only getting one more chance. If she has sex with Edward, I swear I’m done forever.

    So are there really so many LKH defenders left, or do I just frequent the wrong blogs?

  14. rhian
    Posted: Jan 2nd, 2007 at 1:20 pm
    14

    a Bam intervention… (fell outa my chair laughing my ass totally off) - i can SEE it! Great shades of clockwork orange…..

  15. Tania
    Posted: Jan 2nd, 2007 at 9:53 pm
    15

    My sister and I were discussing the Anita Blake/Merry Gentry constant sex without chafing thing, and we came up with the theory that it’s another of their superpowers. Cast-iron fembits. Because honestly - the last MG book happened in a span of what, three hours? And she had sex many, many times and suffered no uncomfort. After spending most of the last however many days doing almost nothing but having sex. Including that one scene with the two men.

    It’s not the magic that makes her books unrealistic.

    And I’d almost kill for actual plot in the next AB. But if she has sex with Edward, I think I just may be able to end my obsession.

  16. Annie Dean
    Posted: Jan 3rd, 2007 at 8:06 pm
    16

    RE: no chafing, evah

    LKH is going down this road with her heroines so she can land a spokesmodel job for K-Y Jelly. Fo realz.

  17. Sam
    Posted: Jan 3rd, 2007 at 9:31 pm
    17

    Every single time I read one of these rants about LKH, I’m sadly amazed at the #’s that just need..one..more..fix….and then they’re done, lol. Each book published people declare they’re done…next time

    Buy a GOOD book, then read some porn…GOOD PORN! Why waste your good book time OR your good porn time???

    does she need your money?

  18. Jo
    Posted: Jan 4th, 2007 at 12:44 am
    18

    This would be my favourite quote:
    “There are books that don’t make you think that hard”

    I would be hard pressed to come up with Any Books that make me think less hard, I mean there are some really good picture books out there and at least with them you know you’ll get a complete narrative arc.

    Because toddlers would riot if their authors tried to pull any of the crap LKH does.

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