Grade: D+
I’m gonna go ahead and say it: Darragha Foster’s story is the only one in this anthology that didn’t make me want to alternatingly pull my hair out or douse my brain in bleach. Ms. Foster’s previous works have always been a little over-the-top, melodramatic, far-flung, and wacky for me, but ultimately I always find myself enjoying them. Ironically, her contribution to this anthology is the only one with its feet planted firmly in the ground (haunted whalebone dildos notwithstanding), namely because she… and stay with me here… actually tells a full, layered story that has a beginning, middle, and end. That Darragha… what a nut. Imagine telling a real story in an anthology of… stories. Look, it’s right there on the cover. Meanwhile, Robin Danner’s tale of a witch involved in a sex orgy cult had me going, “What? Who are these people? How did… Why did… Whuh?” Xandra Gregory’s story, on the other hand, had a lot of information to share about her characters, their worlds, and all of that good stuff, but… I had no idea what the hell she was talking about most of the time. She seemed to be throwing a bunch of science-y sounding stuff, but none of them really meant anything. Seriously, this anthology is like the Goldilocks of storytelling elements: one had too little, one had just right, and the other had too much… only you can’t actually identify what’s floating around in the porridge, so you don’t really want it. Nice cover, though.

Petting the Cat by Robin Danner tells the tale of young Jillian Welch, a witchling who is a member of a coven whose members celebrate each other’s existence by having lots of rolling-on-the-ground, puppy piling kind of sex. Jilly can’t join their little reindeer games because she is an unmarried young woman and therefore a virgin, so while she’s allowed to watch from a dark corner while her coven screwed the hell of each other, she’s left sexually frustrated. Luckily, she’s about to marry some Earl something or other, so… yay, she can finally have some sexin’. One day, while hanging out in a forest primeval contemplating the birds and the flowers and her imminent cherry-popping, she is accosted by a mysterious man who tells her her life is in danger because she’s a virgin. This man turns out to be Colin Donegal, the younger brother of her future husband, and had sought her out to let her know that his brother is an evil, EVIL warlock who only wants to marry her because she’s a virgin witch and taking her virginity will give him THE POWER TO RULE THE UNIVERSE or some shit like that. Seriously. Colin has come to save Jillian and the only way he could do that is if he were to… you know. Oh, COME ON! How can anyone fall for that line? Anyway, Colin has a secret of his own and may be more dangerous to Jillian than her soon-to-be former fiance. ‘Cause… you know… he can break her heart and stuff.

You know, I had no idea this story is set sometime in the past until it was mentioned that Jilly is about to marry some English nobility. Hell, she could have been one of them hippy wiccan chicks living in some blessed-be commune somewhere in Marin County, for God’s sake. We know nothing about these people, their backgrounds, their motivations… zip, nada, zilch. I couldn’t feel anything for any of them. All I surmised from reading this story is that Jilly really, really wants to join the group sex her coven’s been having and she can’t do that ’cause she’s a virgin. And Colin… what a noble guy. “Milady, let me save your life by rogering you silly… no, really, you’ll die if you stay a virgin. I’m serious! Don’t look at me like that! I’m not crazy! I can save you with my… love-lance!” Jilly is supposed to be this enterprising, clever, young lady… surely there was another way she could have gotten rid of her stupid pesky hymen. Like with a broomstick or something. The whole thing just smacked of a cheesy set-up so in the end Jilly could have her cake (and Colin’s and a dozen others) and eat it too. The plotting was shoddy to say the least, there was barely any exposition, and Ms. Danner didn’t give us any reason whatsoever why we should give a hoot about any of these people. No disrespect meant to the author or anything, but this entire effort just felt… slap-dash. And let’s not forget the obligatory buttsecks scene. D+ for this one.

Spell-Crafted for Pleasure by Darragha Foster was actually quite fun to read. It’s about Salem Grier, a witch who owns a shop called “Salem’s Fine Collection of Sins,” where she sells objects of the occult as well as antique sex toys. Salem’s a little hard-up, so she prays to the goddess Frejya to send some deep-dickin’ her way. The deep-dickin’ comes in the form of an antique gee-nuu-wine whalebone dildo from the Viking era, which Salem comes by for a suprisingly low price considering it really is from the Viking era and should have cost her more than a pretty penny. Salem is a psychic-type who can sense the “stories” from the antique sex toys she sells and discovers that the Viking Member is quite special indeed. As soon as she has some alone time, she rushes over to her apartment above the store to get to know this whalebone dildo in a biblical manner and inadvertently unleashes the spirits of two Viking brothers who had been trapped in the damned thing for God knows how long. Kane Heraldsson is a yummy piece of hot chocolate and Ketiljon Heraldsson is a tall, blond Viking god. The two of them have three days to figure out how to permanently affix themselves to this realm and screwing Salem silly seems to be the key (naturally). One of them is a bad, bad man and the other is a good one. And they occasionally like to have sex with each other. Salem finds herself attracted to the both of them, but having sex with the wrong one could mean a catastrophe for herself… and the world!

Dun-dun-dun. Salem and her magic va-jay-jay. I swear to God, I almost didn’t want to read this story because of the whole possessed whalebone dildo contrivance. But boy, am I glad I did because I had a blast reading it. Salem is a likeable character. She’s smart, self-aware, and is fully capable of taking care of her own needs. What I enjoyed about Salem is she wasn’t your stereotypical bimbo witch with her head in the clouds spouting some shit about unicorns and trees, but seems to have a pretty level head on her shoulders. When she finds a dead body in an alley behind her shop, she doesn’t lose her shit; she keeps calm and acts like a grown-up would. The sex scenes are pretty hot, though I was pretty bothered by the initial sex scene between Salem and the two brothers. I don’t want to be throwing around some incendiary words, but it almost felt like… rape. Not of Salem, by the way, but of one of the brothers by the other brother. Truth be told, it kind of skeeved me out. Anyway, I did enjoy how this author can take such a ridiculous premise and weave a pretty solid story around it without making it into a freakshow. I’ve always thought this author tends to write about “gimmicky” premises, but I do admire that she can somehow take out the “wacky” elements out of it and write a good story with likeable characters. My only complaint about this story is the dialogue. Salem tends to talk to herself, which I guess was added because the first couple of chapters are of Salem puttering around in her shop with no one else to talk to and it would just be paragraphs of description with no break, but… it made Salem seem… crazy? Anyway, the brothers’ dialogue to each other was also a little exposition-heavy and considering they repeat the story to Salem… they were just saying shit to each other that the other should have already known, is all. As always, Ms. Foster certainly knows her shit when it comes to Viking mythology and it shows. She can give a mythology lesson and make it seem fun! B for this one.

Hounded by Xandra Gregory is about a runaway wolf (?) named Rex who ends up in a Mardi Gras type thing on Earth (?) while trying to evade his captors and runs into Lin Itoh. Lin is some kind of genetically engineered being (?) who needs to eat, sleep, and screw more than an average person and because of this, people tend to think she’s a slut. Anyway, sitting on a parade float practically butt-naked and waving to the crowd turns her on and Rex, who is hiding on the float, becomes a convenient target for Lin’s sexual hunger. The two of them are instantly attracted to each other and Rex gives Lin oral sex in front of a whole bunch of people (though I’m pretty sure they weren’t actually seen). Lin gets a pretty good orgasm from Rex and invites him for some heavy-duty fizznuckin’ after the parade, but immediately realizes he just happens to be the guy she’s supposed to be hunting for the Goddess Diana. You see, Rex was one of Diana’s Hounds and he ran away because… um… Diana smelled funny. While trying to escape from the cops, Rex and Lin come across Max, a pilot who is willing to take them anywhere for a price, and Lin wants him to take them to Mars (?). As soon as they’re in orbit, Lin is knocked out and Max proceeds to give Rex a blow job… which is okay because they’re Packmates! Now Rex has to convince Lin not to take him back to Diana and with the help of Max, umm…

My biggest problem with this story is I had no idea what the hell is going on most of the time. Ms. Gregory was throwing around words like “Canid” and “low-orbit” and all of this sci-fi sounding stuff, but doesn’t bother to explain what the hell they mean. Are Max and Rex genetically engineered man-dog hybrids or are they just plain ole lycanthrope? And since Lin is supposed to be fifteen years older than Max, does she look very much older than him or not so much because she’s genetically engineered? What the hell is Diana doing in Mars? Who are these gods and goddesses? Are they actual dieties or are they also genetically engineered? Maybe the author has written books set in this world before and I need to read those just to understand what the hell is going on. On top of all the confusion and hijinx, I really couldn’t sense a romance between Lin and Rex or Lin and Max or Lin, Rex, and Max. It just seemed to be a sex thing. After all, Lin says she needs to have sex far more often than an average human, so maybe she’s just horny? It’s like Ms. Gregory took some sci-fi sounding words, some sex scenes that are de rigeur for the erotic romance (male to male pairing, buttsecks, group sex, double penetration), and a couple of horny folks and stuck them in a blender. And I don’t think she pressed purée because there are still chunks in this mix that just don’t jibe with the rest of it. On top of that, I had no sympathy for any of these people. Rex seems oddly child-like, Lin is an emotionless bitch, and Max… was just there. Yeah, I had a really hard time finishing it. D for this one.

I can’t heartily recommend this anthology because there’s really only ONE readable story in it. If you really want to read a Darragha Foster story, I recommend Devil’s Food Kate which I enjoyed immensely and will be reviewing soon. As for Robin Danner, I really liked her previous book My Footman, My Prince because it was so lush and evocative as well as emotionally fulfilling. It was just a good read, period, which is why I was so surprised why I didn’t like her story in this anthology. I’ve never read anything by Xandra Gregory before this anthology, but if I’m forced to judge her writing based on this one… *sigh* I’m not one to dismiss an author outright, so I’d like to give her another shot. Any recommendations? If you guys absolutely have to read this anthology—and honestly, who am I to stop you—pay close attention to Darragha’s contribution. It’s good stuff.

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 11th, 2007 at 10:02 am and is filed under Books, Grade: D, Romance: Paranormal, Romance: Anthology. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.