As you all may recall, last week I threw a little “blurb and title” contest based on this cover. The winner gets to choose any book she wants from Amazon (seriously, bitch, do not ask for a forty dollar coffee table book. I mean it!) and my generous butt will send it to her. If you didn’t get to enter the contest, you snooze you lose, buddy… but don’t worry there’ll be another one on the first of March (and February is the shortest month!). All the entries were funny and clever in their own way, but I chose the ones that frankly, tickled me so much, I peed my pants a little. I also promised to post the best three entries so that we may all vote on it (I’m democratic like that) and the entry that gets the most votes… well, wins. Okay, so here we go:
Richelle Mead
Title: RETURN OF THE DISEMBODIED FLOATING HEART
Blurb: Alix Monroe has spent the last year on the run, desperate to escape her past and the bloody events that haunt her. When she gets a job at a tropical “massage parlor” and adopts a new identity as Kiki Lovejoy, it seems as though her problems are over–especially when she meets Jean-Armand, a client with a penchant for laps and generous tips. Wealthy and panty-dropping sexy, Jean-Armand offers Alix the love and security she never thought she’d have again.But someone doesn’t want Alix to be happy. The Disembodied Floating Heart––the same Heart that killed her parents and fiance––is back. Back for blood. And it isn’t going to rest until it’s destroyed every shred of joy in Alix’s life. With death and danger literally hanging over their heads, Alix and Jean-Armand must look within their own hearts to have any chance of escaping with both their love and their lives…
[This next one is inspired by comment made by Meljean... Candy, does that mean you'd cut your book in half if you win?]
Candy Tan
Title: LACTATION AND THE LADYBOY
Blurb: Love In the Most Unexpected Places
When Dirk went on his sex tour of Thailand, he fully expected to have his mind (and other parts of his body) blown. What he didn’t expect was the utterly bewitching Orrada and the explosive passion they shared in the hot Bangkok nights. But even more explosive than the love they found was Dirk’s secret: his lactation fetish. Could he ever let Orrada know?But Orrada has a big secret of her own up her sleeve. As Dirk begins unraveling her deepest mysteries, he begins to realize that realizing his dreams may be even more difficult than he’d imagined. Maybe even impossible. Will love conquer all this time–even biology? Find out in… Lactation and the Ladyboy.
[Okay, this next one shouldn't even count. It's so bloody true in its parody that I'm almost sure there's a book floating out there with this plot. Nevertheless, it tickled me just right.]
Kathleen
Title: This Asshole Just Fainted on Me
Blurb:An innocent beauty-
Fear had been Wilhemina’s constant companion since a childhood doctor had diagnosed her double-virginity. Forced to endure a life with two hymens, this still-innocent widow longed for a home, a family, and children of her own. Instead she was forced to endure while her adult step-children schemed to take away the orchid farm left to her by her much older, impotent, filthy rich husband.A forceful alpha male-
Storm had never let fear stop him before. A former Navy Seal turned Army Ranger, he laughed in the face of danger…even when he spent 3 years with his own harem trying to deal with his mommy issues. Or when he developed a drinking and gambling problem that he assumes can be fixed easily by a fiesty woman…give or take ten pages. But now his greatest enemy is after the secret he holds, and he’s forced to flee to an out-of-the-way Orchid Farm.Love brings them together-
Fate brought them together amongst flowers and twinkly lights. Was he the one to rid her of her virginity and give her an orgasm at the same time? Was she the one to heal his heart and banish the childhood spectre of his mother? Only time can tell as the heat and labor of orchid farming take their toil on her hero in “This Asshole Just Fainted On Me.”
… so there you have it. Your vote decides which of these bitches will win this month’s contest and maybe even named February’s Snark Queen. Choose wisely, for none of us can ever truly know the power we wield on this here internets. I will announce the winner on Tuesday morning.
Good luck, whores!
Last 5 posts by bam
- Review: Tempestuous Reunion by Lynne Graham - May 18th, 2012
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February 4, 2007 at 9:43 am
The floating heart. Gotta be the Floating Heart
Richelle Mead
Title: RETURN OF THE DISEMBODIED FLOATING HEART
February 4, 2007 at 11:20 am
This Asshole Just Fainted on Me! What is more dangerous and love inspiring than toiling on an Orchid Farm?!?
February 4, 2007 at 12:45 pm
The Return of The Disembodied Floating Heart did it for me
February 4, 2007 at 1:16 pm
Lactation and the Ladyboy! Wow, that sounds like it should be a gooey-screwy romance!
February 4, 2007 at 1:23 pm
Lactation and the Ladyboy! It’s the one I’d definitely want to read first. How freaky.
February 4, 2007 at 1:50 pm
“…diagnosed her double-virginity. Forced to endure a life with two hymens…”
HA!
Nearly spat out my coffee with that one. Definitely, “This Asshole Just Fainted On Me”
February 4, 2007 at 2:09 pm
Richelle owns me. Really. I’m her slave.
February 4, 2007 at 2:11 pm
muahhaha, double virginity, hehe, hehe. Despite the tight competition I must support “this asshole just fainted on me.”
Bam, there is at least one book with a heroine similar to Wilhelmina, just go through Diana Palmer’s back list and you will find several variations of her. I really have to commend Kathleen for being on the ball!!
snicker, double hymens, hehehe, this will be good for days!
February 4, 2007 at 2:36 pm
For completely going against the grain, I have to vote for the Disembodied Floating Heart…it’s just so cheesy…I love it! Plus, anything Richelle writes pretty much rocks.
February 4, 2007 at 3:38 pm
Definitely “This Asshole Just Fainted on Me.”
February 4, 2007 at 4:16 pm
My vote goes to “This Asshole Just Fainted on Me”.
February 4, 2007 at 6:33 pm
I gotta go with Richelle’s “The Return of The Disembodied Floating Heart” cuz i sprayed the monitor with soda spew when i read it. Plus everytime i look at the cover now it looks like the heart is coming to get her. Beware…. still snickering….
February 4, 2007 at 7:10 pm
Do I get a vote? Because if I do, you know where my ‘heart’ lies…
February 4, 2007 at 7:44 pm
The Floating Heart wins for me too!
February 4, 2007 at 7:53 pm
Hmmm…well, if we can’t vote for ourselves, then I’m totally going for “Lactation and the Ladyboy” because I CAN’T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD. I want to get on Jeopardy just to frame this in the form of a question. I want to get this tatooed on someone I love. And just think of how many movies this would be a great subtitle for! “Bridges of Madison 2: Lactation and the Ladyboy,” “Harry Potter 5: the Order of Lactation and Ladyboys,” and of course, “An Inconvenient Truth: how Lactation and Ladyboys are melting the polar icecaps with hot sexin.”
February 4, 2007 at 8:41 pm
I have to go with This Asshole. Although it would have been easier had the double virgin had a secret baby…
February 4, 2007 at 10:48 pm
Disembodied Floating Heart for the win!
February 5, 2007 at 12:27 am
I absolutely have to go with “This Asshole Just Fainted on Me”…. I’m still snickering over the whole double hymen thing.
February 5, 2007 at 12:45 am
Oh- they are all So Good but “This Asshole Just Fainted on Me” wins my [disembodied] heart.
February 5, 2007 at 6:00 am
Return of the Disembodied Floating Heart!
February 5, 2007 at 6:45 am
I love the double virginity, but I’m going for “Floating Heart” as my vote, too.
February 5, 2007 at 9:31 am
Floating Heart, dudettes.
February 5, 2007 at 9:34 am
Floating heart.
February 5, 2007 at 9:35 am
Since I was laughing from the moment Kathleen shot her load early, I’m going with This Asshole Just Fainted on Me. Orchid farming…double hymens…assholes…I LOVE IT!
February 5, 2007 at 9:46 am
heyya Bam – i’m a Gemini – does that mean i get 2 votes, cuz like there’s two different people cohabitating inside here and the only thing we’ve agreed on in forever is voting on Richelle’s story. So can we, huh, huh, can we?
February 5, 2007 at 3:21 pm
Disembodied floating heart! That one got a laugh out loud out of me.
February 5, 2007 at 3:43 pm
I’m going with This Asshole Just Fainted on Me. Too, too, funny with the double hymen widow and former harem owner with mummy issues.
(Found you via Smart Bitches. Love the blog!)
February 5, 2007 at 5:09 pm
/snort… gotta go for the “floating heart”!!