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I’m a Blasphemous Whore

I was raised a good Catholic girl. Growing up, I was made to believe I was supposed to love Jesus as he was my Lord and savior. He will care for my soul and get me to heaven if I only trusted in his love. Okay, I was down with that… as I grew up reading about Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, I was already suffering from a major waiting-for-my-knight complex, so the thought of a blond-haired, blue-eyed (y’all know this is majorly my type) knight ushering my ass to paradise… yo, I was all over that. OFF THE CHAIN, yo, for realz! But then something happened… I totally started crushing on Jesus, like Martha did in Mary O’Connell’s kickass book Living with Saints. I confessed it to my priest and it went a little something like this:

Me: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Priest: Go on, child, what is your sin?

Me: Well, Father, I… uh… love Jesus.

Priest: Why do you think this is a sin, my child? You are supposed to love Jesus, for he is the shepherd and you are the lamb, blah-blah-blah…

Me: No, Father, I love-love Jesus. Like I wanna hit that.

Priest: Child, it is quite all right to…

Me: No, Father, I covet his flesh and not in a communion way, ya feel me? [holds up hands to the screen, makes a circle with index finger and thumb, takes index finger of other hand, and sticks it into the circle, wiggling it around] Like… taaa-dow!

Priest: Holy Mary, Mother of God

Me: Indeed.

And then Shhhhuzluva, evil whore that she is, had to send me this totally hot picture of Christian Bale looking all Jesus-like and stuff, therfore re-activating my Jesus fetish. Incidentally, Christian Bale played Jesus once in a movie called Mary, Mother of God. THANKS A LOT, SHUZ!

P.S. I was going to make a Let Jesus Fuck You joke, but that’s too easy. Since my blasphemous ass is already going to hell, I might as well push it. And push it good. (for fuck’s sake, don’t click it if you’re easily offended)

[Source of pic: Oh No They Didn’t.]

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 21st, 2007 at 11:01 am and is filed under Studmuffins, Et Cetera. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

29 Responses to “I’m a Blasphemous Whore”

  1. shuzluva
    Posted: Feb 21st, 2007 at 11:05 am
    1

    To all the faithful (and even those that don’t have any faith) readers of this blog, I apologize. I would tell Bam to get help, ’cause she’s one sick bitch, but that would take away hours of entertainment.

    I need my entertainment.

  2. Jackie
    Posted: Feb 21st, 2007 at 11:30 am
    2

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

    I’m fucking DYING!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Jackie
    Posted: Feb 21st, 2007 at 11:38 am
    3

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    Lurve that power tool…

  4. Jane
    Posted: Feb 21st, 2007 at 11:58 am
    4

    When the rapture comes, I am totally denying I ever knew you.

  5. maria
    Posted: Feb 21st, 2007 at 12:42 pm
    5

    i totally can’t believe that you wanna hit that w/ J-sus!! that’s the best thing i’ve heard all day….i’ve been nosing around your blog for months and you and shuzluva have been getting me thru the worst day ever…..thanks for putting the hilarious but crrepy thought in my head…i hope he (jesus) takes you up on the offer….

  6. maria
    Posted: Feb 21st, 2007 at 12:43 pm
    6

    i read it again….it’s too funny….i hope my boss doesn’t catch me at this….

  7. Lucky
    Posted: Feb 21st, 2007 at 1:00 pm
    7

    Back off wench! That Jeebus-alike is my panty creamer.

    (Seriously, you make my day with this blog. You rawk!)

  8. Richelle Mead
    Posted: Feb 21st, 2007 at 2:01 pm
    8

    What a great way to kick off Lent…

  9. bam
    Posted: Feb 21st, 2007 at 2:33 pm
    9

    Holy Shit, i completely forgot about Lent. Told you I haven’t been a good catholic.

    Let’s see what to give up: sex, beef, hot beef injections, masturbation, TV, thinking about an orgy between Me, the Green Arrow, Superman, and Batman while in the shower and caressing my womanly parts, smoking… hey, I don’t smoke. I’ll give that up!

    DONE AND DONE!

  10. Joanne
    Posted: Feb 21st, 2007 at 3:23 pm
    10

    And a happy Ash Wednesday to you, Bammie. XD

  11. Rosie
    Posted: Feb 21st, 2007 at 3:41 pm
    11

    Good God, I didn’t know what to expect but can’t wait to give the guy I live with a cheap thrill. You give a whole new meaning to Lent, Miss Bam. Who thinks this stuff up?

  12. Eva Gale
    Posted: Feb 21st, 2007 at 4:31 pm
    12

    And here I was all bored.

  13. Sweet
    Posted: Feb 21st, 2007 at 10:57 pm
    13

    This is kinda of scary. I was just looking at the movie “The New World” thinking how HOT Christian Bale is. Then I log onto your blog and POW there he is. I never thought about it , but he does look Jesus like. So what does it say about me that I wanted to do him in ” American Psycho”.

  14. L.E. Bryce
    Posted: Feb 21st, 2007 at 11:12 pm
    14

    It’s okay, Bam. You can always come over to my side and convert to Judaism.

  15. bam
    Posted: Feb 21st, 2007 at 11:29 pm
    15

    You can always come over to my side and convert to Judaism.

    Ahh… I can’t do that! Then He won’t be my Lord and Savior anymore. that’s kind of part of the appeal, you know. the taboo “let me take a piece of you inside my body, my Lord” thing.

  16. December Quinn
    Posted: Feb 21st, 2007 at 11:50 pm
    16

    Wow…that facial hair-y, longer haired Bale really is hot. He’s never really curled my toes before, but that’s niiiice.

  17. Kass
    Posted: Feb 22nd, 2007 at 4:38 am
    17

    “I’m a Blasphemous Whore”
    –Good for you.

    Of course, as a Pagan/Unitarian Universalist myself, I have the straight to hell concession from the get-go.

  18. Bonnie Dee
    Posted: Feb 22nd, 2007 at 8:52 am
    18

    “So what does it say about me that I wanted to do him in American Psycho.”
    What does it say about ME that I wanted to do him way back in that mid-nineties Disney musical, “Newsies” when he was a mere boychik? Or “Empire of the Sun” anyone? I knew that kid was going to grow up hot with those intense eyes of his. Rowr.

    As for the Jesus-love. I caught it back when “Jesus Christ Superstar” was first popular in the 70s. Easy to see the sexual attraction there. Also, healers in general are hot. How about Ben in “Carnivale”? What’s not to love?

  19. bam
    Posted: Feb 22nd, 2007 at 8:59 am
    19

    Agree with you on Newsies, Bonnie… but Empire of the Sun? He was twelve and a kidlet. Second you on the intense eyes, though. Wow, he was a beautiful child.

    As for “Jesus Christ Superstar,” I died when Sebastian Bach played Jesus. I was so in love with him in the late 80’s when he was still hot.

  20. E.D'Trix
    Posted: Feb 22nd, 2007 at 9:39 am
    20

    Bam,

    Did you see Sebastian Bach as Jesus? I totally went and saw him before he went on tour with the show. He was actually pretty good — although there were times when he did the rockstar scream/sing and I couldn’t understand what the hell he was singing.

    I heard he got fired later for being too rock star and not Christ-like enough. He was apparently flashing lots of “devil horns” and headbanging. I kinda thought that was the point of the musical, but apparently no-one wants Crist headbanging while being whipped and crucified…

  21. Samantha
    Posted: Feb 22nd, 2007 at 1:18 pm
    21

    So I’m not the only one…good to know ;) .

  22. Giselle
    Posted: Feb 22nd, 2007 at 7:41 pm
    22

    Holy shit! I almost peed my pants. Thanks for the laugh and for the totally edible C. Bale. Yum.

  23. Flo
    Posted: Feb 23rd, 2007 at 2:04 am
    23

    Oh mah GAWD! *dies laughing*

    Oh and back of bitches. Bale is MINE! MINE I TELL YOU! *licks monitor*

    And I saw American Psycho and was like “Oh shit… oh holy shit… I’d let him hack me up any day!” The whole scene with him and the prostitute and the chicks I was alternately laughing hysterically and panting like a bitch in heat. Then Batman had to go and come out and I was lost. LOST I TELL YOU!

    Then… and this is just the worst. I realized Bale voiced the character “Howl” from Studio Ghibli’s “Howl’s Moving Castle” and I was done. I lust after him not only in hot man form… BUT IN CARTOON FORM AS WELL.

    No God can help me now. :(

  24. Orchid
    Posted: Feb 23rd, 2007 at 2:16 am
    24

    oh em gee, bam, oh em gee. lmao

  25. Ann(ie)
    Posted: Feb 23rd, 2007 at 3:57 pm
    25

    This was awesome. I’m writing a story for the Dragon antho after all, Bam, and this blog post is almost scary according to what I’m doing. My dragon story is some dirty shit and you will LOVE it.

    As for Bale, meh. He’s no Hugh Jackman.

  26. Darraghahahahah
    Posted: Feb 24th, 2007 at 12:02 pm
    26

    Holy smut! It comes in colors?

  27. Darraghahahahah
    Posted: Feb 24th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
    27

    God’s Immaculate Rod. Only through Bam would I learn of such a thing.

    Thank you, Bam.

  28. Erica
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2007 at 2:38 pm
    28

    Bwa! This totally killed me. Between the confessional conversation and the jackhammer photo, I’ve got tears running down my face. Wow.

  29. Jennybrat
    Posted: Mar 4th, 2007 at 7:23 pm
    29

    LOLOL. Christian Bale is so handsome, sexy and such a fascinating actor.

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