Grade: C+

Bam,

I feel like I need a disclaimer before beginning this review. From everything you’ve told me, I know that Darragha is a really nice woman. I really shouldn’t have to say this, but I’m going to: anything I say that is negative is not a personal attack on Darragha. I think she actually takes criticism for what it’s meant to be and generally doesn’t get defensive. NOR SHOULD SHE! And as a general statement (which I don’t feel I should ever have to repeat), I never pull any punches or withhold praise when I review a book, regardless of my personal feelings toward the author.

[Ed Note: Uh-oh… a review that starts with a disclaimer]

Okay, on to the review:

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I thought we could all use a break from all the JR Ward craziness of the past couple of days and just enjoy a picture of a hot, hot man like the sexist, superficial pigs that we are. Isn’t he pretty? Dear Science, just look at that chin. And those eyes. Mmm… I want to have his genetically perfect babies. I want to eat him and swallow him whole. I want to wear his ass as a hat.

1. I love fashion and number crunching. Getting a fantastic pair of shoes excites me as much as getting the right answer in a financial model I’ve generated. Fashion is (as far as I’m concerned) a total right-brain function and numbers are completely left-brained. I think I’m just hare-brained.

2. I hate messiness, but totally suck at picking up after myself. Really. Just got into a fight with the hubby about a thermometer that was sitting on my night table for two weeks. ‘Cause I couldn’t walk it to the bathroom and put it away. Pathetic.

3. I have road rage. I don’t know if that’s weird or scary. I’m a tempermental person to begin with, but for some reason, when I’m in a car I feel like it’s the Indy 500 all the time. Every driver is after my spot on the road… SO GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY! However, I NEVER, EVER curse (or drive like a madwoman) with the kids in the car.

4. I love science fiction. See number 1. Science fiction and fashion? Well this season they go together if you’re into Balenciaga couture. Otherwise, my friends always find it hilarious that I love Battlestar Galactica and Jimmy Choo with the same level of passion.

5. I have a serious fear of spiders (and lots of other creepy crawlies), but couldn’t care less if a snake is sliding over my foot. I’m usually thinking the snake would make a great pair of shoes or handbag while this is occuring. Really. I don’t find snakes that scary. Nor do I expect to see anything more than a common garden snake in my backyard. And they just don’t scare me. Pythons or boas? Pretty and their skin feels so cool when they slide across your hand. Asps, rattlers and cottonmouths? Well, cottonmouths are beautiful… asps are okay and rattlers are usually flat out ugly (although black looks good on everyone) but I know to stay away. Do they scare me? Nope.

6. I lived in NYC’s theater district for three years and saw a grand total of ONE show. That my mother took me to. After she bought the tickets. And my building was right next to a theater that was running Proof starring Mary-Louise-billybrokeupwithherwhenpregnantforclairedanes-Parker [Ed Note: Billy Crudup is a dick, yo!] and won a Tony for this role. And I saw the security guard EVERY NIGHT. He probably thought I’d already seen the show.

7. I had season tickets to The Metropolitan Opera House at Lincoln Center and saw Pavarotti in La Fille du Regiment. He was fantastic. And I loved every show I saw except for Die Walküre. I watched the aria Ride of the Valkyrie and walked out. I HATE WAGNER. The opera was boring as all get-out. He wrote it so that the singers rarely had to move around and the sets were totally lame.

8. I love doing outdoorsy stuff like hiking, biking, snowboarding, rafting, etc. Really. You’ve seen the pictures. I love being out in nature, enjoying a gorgeous day, getting the blood pumping and feeling good. But I hate camping. After a hard day on the trail/slopes/river, I like a four star hotel (at least). And a spa. Every vacation we go on is very active, and I’ve never gone without a spa day. Sometimes I’m so achy that I need it. Maybe I’m just getting old.

9. I have crib memories. I asked my mother a bunch of questions one day about a pair of corrective shoes she had me in when I was approximately 11 months old. She’d never told me about them. I could describe the shoes, their color, and what I was doing. I think she almost passed out from shock. I have a few others like that, all before I was out of the crib. It’s pretty wild, because children form memories differently when they start to speak.

10. I went to a private school from kindergarden through 12th grade and graduated with 71 people in my class, 20 of whom were with me for 13 years. I don’t speak to any of them, and it turns out my “best friend” lived 6 blocks from me for four years when I lived on NYC’s upper west side. I never ran into her. And while NYC is gigantic, I run into people ALL THE TIME.

There you have it. The not-so-weird life of Shuzluva.

Sybil is making me do this. I’m supposed to list 10 things that are weird about me… how would I know they’re weird? I’m not that self-aware. What if what I think is weird in others, I don’t necessarily think of as weird in myself? Wrap your mind around that, Sybil! Anyway, most of my weirdness involve my reading nitpicks, but here they are:

1. I read the back of the book first. Each and every time. I can’t stand surprises. If the hero dies in the end or the hero and the heroine break up or the hero and the heroine both die, are reincarnated, and have to find each other later, I won’t read it. I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m sure there are a lot of great books out there I’ve missed out on because I read their endings first and refused to read the rest, but… I can’t get into a book only to have one of the main characters die or break up. I… won’t allow it to break my heart.

1A. If either of the romantic leads cheat on the other, I set down the book right then and there and never pick it up again. Sometimes, I make exceptions. Like if the heroine got sucked into another dimension and she slept with the mirror image of her husband because by doing so, she will save the world. But honestly, how often does that happen? Oh, and I do the same thing if the hero and the heroine are separated for more than twenty pages.

2. I tend to discriminate against heroines with boy names. If your heroine is named: Alex, Sam, Bobbie, Andie, James, Max, or Charlie, I read the book HATING your character. It will be up to you as the author to change my mind.

3. I love a good narrative voice. However, if the author’s own voice starts interrupting the natural flow of the narration and she starts editorializing or getting all preachy, I set the book down and never pick it up again.

4. It doesn’t matter how you describe your hero. It doesn’t matter what he looks like. He could be 6′6, 250 lbs, green-skinned, furry, horned, hooved, black, brown, white, yellow, blond, red-haired… in my head, he can only look like my crush of the moment. And that just happens to be Justin Hartley.

5. Even if I don’t have to use the toilet, I often lock myself in the bathroom and sit on the toilet for hours at a time, just reading. Tim and I live by the beach and pretty much anywhere is a perfect reading spot, but I love the bathroom. It’s my favorite room in the house.

6. The first thing I do after buying a new article of clothing is snip off the tag and the label. Then I wash it (the article of clothing, I mean). Always.

7. Before I can sit down to write, I have to have everything set up and organized the way I want. That means, I gotta have my jar of chocolate-covered almonds and cashews, three bottles of Aquafina water, index cards for my notes, a pen with blue ink, and my iPod queued up.

8. I have freakishly awesome memory when it comes to TV, movie, and celebrity trivia. I will watch anything on VH-1 ( I Love the 70s 80s 90s, Awesomely Bad Music Videos, Celebrity Breakups, Best Week Ever). My extensive knowledge of Saved by The Bell trivia may astound… and arouse you.

9. Tell me a title of an episode of the X-Files and I’ll tell you what it’s about. Describe to me an episode and I’ll tell you the title. I’ve got it all memorized, even Season 9 (fans like to pretend this season never happened). I’m a freak like that.

10. I will watch anything Joss Whedon directs, writes, or produces. Even if it sucks. I will follow him anywhere. If only because he gave me Captain Mal Reynolds.

Now you know me a little bit more than you used to. You may thank Sybil.

And I guess I’m supposed to pass this on. Well, I won’t do that. This dies with me. It ends now. I would like the following people to suffer this meme: Annie Dean (she’s done), Shuzluva, Mrs. Giggles, Elaine Corvidae, and Skyla Dawn Cameron.

ETA: Here is Skyla’s response.

Grade: B

Wrath, Rhage, Zsadist… and Butch! Whoa, whoa, back up. Yes, I just said Butch. Don’t worry, kids, he gets his own little fake-goth name… but more on that later! You know, as I read this book, I asked myself every other page why JR Ward would give the little human back-up dancer a story of his own. I mean, there’s still Vishous and Tohrment and Rehvenge and Ohdour and Vhomit and Dhisgust and Hherphes (ah, crap, it doesn’t work with words that start with an H)! But by the end of this book, I was sold. Seriously. Okay, I was still laughing and rolling my eyes, but I bought it anyway. This entry to the series tells us Why We Should Love Butch, but also acts as a Saks Fifth Avenue catalogue. Yes, the brand-names with which Ms. Ward liberally sprinkles her books are now accompanied by price tags. (I was wondering how much a Ralph Lauren Black Label suit jacket costs and now I know!) If I had to be frank with y’all, this book is probably the most poorly written one in the series: the dialogue is still heavily peppered with euphemisms that are outright ridiculous and sometimes non-sensical, Butch evolves into THE ULTIMATE MARTY SUE, and the “lessers,” the villains, inexplicably get more airtime and only serve to show us how useless and boring they really are (their boss, the Omega does something pretty scary in this book, though). Fortunately, it’s also the most fun to read because 1) the sex is hot 2) the virgin heroine, a majorly spineless wimp in the previous books, is probably the most developed female character in this testosterone-charged ‘verse, 3) the sex is hot. I’m going to try to review this book with as little spoilers as possible, but if a little something-something slips here and there, you can write me an email and flame me, I promise.

Note: We finally get an explanation why Vishous and Butch seem soooooooo in luuuuuuuuuuuurve.

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