… I wish. dionnegalace.com is on vacation and will resume snarky goodness on March 27, 2007. Probably. That’s Tuesday, right? By the way, the cover of my novella Skin to Skin due out from Samhain on August 17, 2007 is finally available. Karen S. and Annie blogged about it already and they loved it! Check it out here and here.

I’m off to Napa, bitches. Have a good weekend!

[Review by Annie Dean]
Grade: C

When I first saw this book, sent to me for review, I thought, Oh Christ, not another one. The world needs another vampire series the way I need to stop at Dunkin Donuts. The cover art is hot, though. The chick on it is sexy. I’d totally do her if I had two or three Margaritas under my belt and I wasn’t married.

I’m deeply conflicted about this book. I liked Dawn, the heroine and the writing showed occasional sparks of life that made me smile. It had awesome potential. I mean, one of the main characters is a midget. A psychic midget! How cool is that? And then there’s the hypnotic Voice that does crazy Vulcan mindsex with Dawn, so she comes in her panties every fourth page. Okay, maybe I exaggerate a little.

Dawn isn’t your typical heroine. She’s an adrenaline junkie who works as a stuntwoman and she uses sex in the same way. She doesn’t date, she just likes to fuck. It’s a recreational sport for her, which is quite different from the Madonna / Whore thing that most romance novels have going. I should be clear, though, this is not a romance. The book is weirdly erotic via the crazy Vulcan mindsex, but there’s no hero in the truest sense of the word (although I was rooting for Kiko. Why aren’t there more midget heroes in romance? That’s discrimation, I tell you! I’m writing somebody a letter.)

[Ed. Note: Well, you keep calling ‘em midgets. They prefer the term “little people,” you insensitive bitch.]

So Dawn returns to LA from a movie shoot to find her dad, Frank, missing. They had a weird relationship and are none too close, but apparently he started working as muscle for this enigmatic group of private investigators. Yep, that’s how she meets the midget and the Voice. It was all very Charlie and Bosley from Charlie’s Angels except Charlie never rogered Sabrina with his mental phallus (well, maybe in fan-fiction he did, I’ll Google it later). She’s drawn into this underworld that includes vampires and undead child actors (which explains Macaulay Culkin. Tell me he doesn’t look creepy in that pic, I dare you.) Dawn never seems to question what’s going on, though, and she’s just along for the ride, no matter how far from shore shet gets.

However, despite an interesting heroine, this book bored the shit out of me. We don’t need another vampire series and Ms. Green doesn’t do much to develop her vampires. Nothing on social status, nothing about the way their world works. The worldbuilding in this sucks ass. Now I realize it’s a series, but she could’ve laid the groundwork. As it stands, I do not care enough about this series to read another book, not even if somebody gives it to me. I can’t rate it an F because the writing is fine. The story is just comatose, which is fitting, I guess, since it’s about the undead.

The writing isn’t bad; like I said, she shows sparks now and then. I think the problem is, she wrote to the market. Ms. Green probably figured, “Vampires sell, so I’ll write about vampires.” Well, she’s right. The book sold, but I’ve had more fun watching my cats play tag than trying to wade through this story. I’m sorry, honey, this thing is DOA, not even the angry midget could save it.

Y’all, you can buy this book here.

[fake blurb alert!]

Sarah Williams never thought she would ever become a mother. As a child, she was abducted by aliens and had all of her ova extracted in a rather painful way, but no one ever believed her. In fact, she spent most of her post-adolescent life in the Elysian Fields Asylum because she wouldn’t wouldn’t stop babbling about it. At thirty and still a virgin, Sarah is just trying to live a normal life, even though she doesn’t indulge in romantic relationships. Besides, she’s too busy pining for her boss, the world-renowned illusionist, Zachariah Sinclair, who doesn’t seem to know she exists. Frustrated and alone, Sarah musters up all the courage in her body and decides to seduce Sinclair. After one passion-filled night, Sarah finds herself miraculously pregnant… and in love.

Zack Sinclair has been a master illusionist for twenty years, but it’s been a trial staying on top what with upstarts locking themselves in glass boxes for a week with no food and water. Zack knows he’ll have to do something bigger than sawing his assistant in half if he wants to remain the Best Magician Evah. One day, while practicing a new trick, Zack accidentally banishes Sarah… and their unborn child to oblivion. Since Zack’s magic has been a little erratic, Sarah could be in a five-star suite or in the bottom of the Atlantic… and Zack is running out of time to find out. In a race against time and the police investigating the disappearance of his assistant, Zack must find Sarah… and their baby… before it’s too late!

Thanks to Amber for this cover.

If the author didn’t tell you what color the character is… could you tell? Kate’s doing a little experiment. Let’s help her out.

I’m inspired by Karen Scott’s blog… only instead of the Author Speaking, I want the books to speak.

And I want to expand our horizons. I want to post book selections with any possible references to race (or species) blocked out. I want to see if people guess the race of the characters.

It’s a way to discover possibly new authors after all. Can’t be bad.

So if any author out there wants to send me a first few pages of her book that’s PG13 (although I have an exception in mind)–the excerpt, not the book–and doesn’t mind me messing with anything that would give away the race/species, go ahead. Tell me where it’s published and shelved (if it’s paper). I might be asking for trouble but that’s fine. I love reading bits of other people’s work. Trouble is that my email has been sucking lately so if you don’t hear from me, blame email. And I might say no for my own random reasons. After all it isn’t often we writers get to wear the other shoe. The “Doesn’t Fit Our Needs At This Time, But We Wish You The Best Of Luck Placing It Elsewhere.” crap we get daily in our email.

Why am I doing this? I got an email from a friend. (yes, she is still my friend. I’m too old to be entirely self-righteous about gooberish talk) saying she didn’t read AA books because they weren’t about people like her so she had trouble getting into the stories. I pointed out that she told me she liked my books and in my latest book, people turn into animals. But then I thought this would be a fun way to see if she’s right or talking out her butt. I must say I hope I get some great “oppressed in society person” book and everyone guesses it’s AA and it turns out to be a scifi set on the planet M’Don’ut.

I’ve already emailed a couple of authors and if they say no thank you, I’ll go back to writing about the things my dog chews up.

And Bam would like to have lots and lots of crazy, energetic, noisy, and violent sex with Eric Bana. Also, it’s Tuesday, so you guys get this disgustingly beautiful picture of this gorgeous specimen of a man. Enjoy, bitches.