Here’s a really nice, really classy cover. It’s freaking sexy, yeah? There’s something about it that really, really pisses me off, though. That blond-haired bitch looks like Giselle Bundchen and I hate that dirty whore. It’s a hate that knows no reason nor logic. Don’t ask. I get all verr klempt and shit just talking about it… so let’s not. *takes a deep breath*

This cover is so pretty that I can’t even come up with a fake blurb for it… sad face. But I’m going to try. Let’s see… the girl looks like… a Saffron. Saffron Matthews. And the sweet, sweet chocolate daddy she’s holding… hmm…. Damon. Damon Howard. Boo-yah!

Saffron Matthews is a radio personality who is famous for her sexy voice, trademark wit, and sassy sexual advice as WKRP’s Dr. Ladyluuuurve. Though Saffron is incredibly beautiful, tall, slender, has an awesome body, and can belch the national anthem after downing a six-pack of beer, she has a bit of a problem. Unknown to her listeners, the sexy Dr. Ladyluuuurve is still… a VIRGIN! She is cursed with a disease called vagina dentata and she is afraid that no man will ever touch her. According to her doctor, a man would have a steel cock to be able to have sex with her.

Hunky Damon Howard can’t seem to get a woman. He is handsome, wealthy, intelligent… except he was in an industrial accident once involving a paper press and… he is no longer the man he used to be. With the help of some friends in the robotics and cybernetics industry, Damon is now the proud owner… of a robot cock. Only his friends couldn’t quite perfect the synthetic skin necessary to cover it, so his penis… has the look of steel. His wife, disgusted by his metallic appendage, had already divorced him and he can’t get a woman to sleep with him no matter what he offers her. That is, until he meets the beautiful Saffron Matthews. From the moment Damon meets Saffron, he realizes he will do anything to possess her. But will their magnetic, instantaneous attraction overcome Damon’s… HUGE problem? Or will Damon never find a woman who can… truly love him?

Kids, The Average Girl’s Guide to Getting Laid will be released by Loose-id on April 17. Check it out!

[fake blurb alert!]

Melissa Johnson is tired of her “good girl” image. As the town’s mousy librarian, she encounters only retirees and kids looking for the latest Harry Potter book. Being a thirty-six year old virgin is a little frustrating and Melissa wants to get laid… badly. She has always dreamt of losing her virginity to a cowboy, particularly to Chase McStudly, the only man she has ever loved. In high school, Chase never paid attention to her, hanging out instead with his varsity wrestling buddies and giving them good “circulation-improving massages” after practice. Melissa will do just about anything to get Chase to notice her, even if it means venturing into Frederick’s of Hollywood and buying S&M inspired lingerie decorated with sparkles.

Chase McStudly has a secret: he is actually country music’s biggest recording star, Kenny Chesney. In his long, successful career, he has released many chart-topping hits such as “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy (But I Don’t Give a Shit About that Breeder Whore),” “You Had Me From Hello (’Cause You Answered the Door Wearing a Banana Hammock and Nothing Else),” “The Woman With You (Should Be Dumped so You Can Run Away With Me),” and “Keg in the Closet (Where I Like To Spend My Time)”. But Chase has a problem. A National Enquirer meanie is threatening to expose his secret life… and he needs a wife… FAST! Too bad his “wife” dumped him after four months of marriage citing “fraud,” and he can’t seem to trick anyone else into a marriage “in name only”. What a public relations nightmare! Out of desperation, Chase returns to his hometown and finds… Melissa Johnson, the girl who’s always been pathetically in love with him. He figures he could tie her up in bed, tell her it’s a BDSM game, and then go off drinking with his… um… buddies. It’s the perfect plan!

Only Chase never expected to fall in love… with Melissa’s spangle-studded lingerie. He’d been able to hide his “secret” for a long time… but will he be able to hide his predeliction for sparkly underwear?

I’m such a cad. I completely forgot to give credit where credit’s due. This cover was brought to you by my buddy, Laura… the sexiest woman alive.

Grade: B-

Here’s a Harlequin Blaze that features a heroine who has had many, many lovers. And a magic vagina! What, you think I’m joking? This book is actually the 1st of a trilogy about 3 sisters who have “sexual healing” abilities. The author herself makes the joke somewhere in the book, but it really is like Charmed except their magic comes courtesy of their coochies, instead of cheap, skanky outfits and low-budget CGI. Charmed: Now More Soft-Core Pornish and Still No Shannen Doherty! Boo. One sister has a vagina like a magnet—-all she has to do is have sex with a guy and he becomes her devoted follower FOREVAH. One sister apparently makes men physically ill after a romp in bed with her. Worst. Power. Ever. But that’s another book. This particular sister is special. She has magical sex with a dude, experiences a wonderful connection with him, and the next day—-well, she wakes up and he’s gone. Nothing magical about that. It just means YOU’RE EASY AND THAT IS WHY THEY DON’T WANT YOU ANYMORE THE SECOND THEY TAG THE POODY, you thick bint! Or she makes ‘em all better and feelin’ like they want to conquer the world after a roll in the hay with her. Whatev. I still had an okay time reading this book. It was filled with good-intentioned people who just don’t know how to sit down and talk, but the h/h were likable, which made it a pretty painless read. For the most part.

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[Review by Annie Dean]

Grade: B+

Well, before I started reading Ms. Bryce, I would have said m/m stories weren’t my thing at all. The few contemporaries I’ve looked at always seem to feature an alpha top and a mega-femme bottom, who is a worse pussy than any TSTL heroine. But Ms. Bryce whisks her characters away to lush worlds where our gender roles don’t hold water. Each of her stories takes place in a richly realized fantasy setting that evokes comparison to Arabian Nights, Scheherazade and her 1001 tales.

In From this Night, we meet Suryo and Alasson, a couple who has been betrothed from birth. You see, their fathers hit the bottle heavy one night, and in the way of all “I love you, man” and “No, I love you more” drunks, they pledged before gods and men that their next born children would marry to unite their families and end an old feud. The gods clearly have a sense of humor because their next born children were both boys.
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It’s Hump Day. It’s the Middle of the Week. I’m about to get my period! I’m feeling hormonal. I want a big bar of chocolate! Do I need a reason to be posting this man’s picture? No. And you know what they say about a man with big ears…

Oh, speaking of chocolate, I mugged a Girl Scout the other day and got myself a couple of boxes of Thin Mints (and some book money… score). Now I just gotta find them. Damn you, Messy Office!

I had this dream the other night of Eric Bana laying next to me wearing his Hector outfit from Troy feeding me Thin Mints from his hand and nibbling on my ear while the Green Arrow massaged my feet. Is that decadent or what?