Grade: C+

The magic cooch is a favorite plot contrivance in a romance novel. It doesn’t even have to be a paranormal romance. The hero could be the coldest, most arrogant sociopathic jerkweed who ever lived (oh, man… I just got a little turned on right now) and all it would take to reform him would be one passion-filled night with the heroine. The hero, who’s probably had sex with the most beautiful, most accomplished women in the world, is felled by a wide-eyed innocent girl (preferably a virgin) and thus, he is healed. Why is this plot so popular? Is it because no matter how smart or how reasonable we women are, deep inside we all harbor fantasies of being the ONE woman in the world to have the power to rehabilitate the baddest boy around? That we would succeed where all other women had failed? I recently reviewed a Harlequin Blaze by this very same author whose heroine possessed a magic vagina… that healed! And she had sisters. Remember how I said one sister has a vagina that bends men to her will and makes slavering puppies out of them? And how the youngest sister has one that makes men violently ill? Worst. Power. Ever. Sure, it’s a funny premise… three witchy sisters whose powers come from their poon. It’s good for a laugh, but could you actually get through one book without giving yourself brain damage from repeatedly slapping yourself on the forehead? Well, girls, I read them. All 3 of them. And here are the next two sisters in the series. Whoo-hoo!

So Many Men… tells the story of Tess McClellan, the eldest sister and seemingly the most adjusted one of the trio. When Nikki, the sister from the previous book The Morning After told her the deep, dark McClellan secret that all of the women in their family possess a magic vagina that “heals” people, Tess was the one who just shrugged and said, “Yeah, that makes sense.” Tess, for the lack of a better word, is… well, a hussy. The brazen kind with no shame whatsoever. She sleeps with armies of men and makes them… better. Unlike the men of her sister Nikki, however, Tess’ men stick around. Even when they are no longer in love with her, the men hang out at her house, fixing things for her, shopping for her, cooking for her… getting along with each other. It’s like a cult of men who used to sleep with Tess. Naturally, Tess has no female friends (though I sure hope she’s good friends with her local Planned Parenthood). Because of this, Tess has been feeling… discontented lately. Out of desperation, she joins a local women’s group and finds out why she’s not friends with any of them: they’re catty, vicious, vindictive bitches. Still, Tess puts a smile on her face and tells herself she’s going to hang on because damn it, she’s going to make friends even if it kills her.

Mason Davies is a doctor. He also runs a mentorship program for disadvantaged and disenfranchised kids. In need of some funds, he approaches the local women’s group to help him put on a charity event. Too bad the president of the group is his ex-girlfriend, still bitter from the break-up. Tess takes one look at Mason and thinks he’s the next victim recipient of her good graces. There’s chemistry, some snappy dialogue, lots of hot sex… but Mason is a little freaked that Tess seems to have a variety of dudes calling her every five minutes (umm… Dr. Mason, you shoudda been worried about STD, instead). The dudes aren’t going to go away and Mason can’t deal with bumping into two or three of them when he exits Tess’ bedroom to go to the bathroom. Tess thinks Mason is the one—–though she feels she ought to be sharing her “love” and not restraining it to one dude—-but Mason is skeeved out by the whole thing. Can these two crazy kids make it work?

Tess is very likable, even though she does possess some stereotypical romance heroine neuroses. She second-guesses herself, tortures herself with the “does he love me or does he only love my doggy-style?” bit for hours, but is self-aware and knows when she’s being ridiculous, so I wasn’t too annoyed with her. Mason, on the other hand… *sigh* So cute… so confused. I felt bad for him. He luuuuurves Tess, but knows she’s a total slut, so he’s totally torn between wanting to stay with her or bookin’ it. Aww, Mason. This is a nice enough, though contrived read. The story is amusing, but there were too many meddling relatives hanging around. I give it a B-.

Faking It is the story of Erin McClellan, the youngest sister who refers to herself as “Typhoid Mary”. Erin is the only sister who doesn’t buy into the magic hoohah theory because hers doesn’t work. She doesn’t make men better; she makes them violently ill. In fact, right after they have sex with her, the first thing they do is run to the bathroom and throw up. Huh. That’s funny. The dudes I had sex with would run to the shower afterwards, turn on the hot water full-blast, and sit in the tub, rocking themselves and crying. Ha ha. Just kidding. Or am I? *wiping away single tear* Because her vagina doesn’t quite work like her sisters’, Erin is understandably bitter. She’s convinced she’s adopted, but her mother tells her she’s being ridiculous. Nevertheless, she doesn’t want to get involved with anyone ever again. She will stay away from men… forevah!

Stupid girl. Don’t you know the second you say, “No more men! Evah!” the Romance Novel Gods will send you one right away just to mess with you? Enter our hero. Natch!

Jack Langston has a weak heart. His dad, grampa, and baby sister Stacey all DIED because they had bad, bad hearts. Jack had to learn at an early age to take care of his family AND run his own computer security business and all the stress has not been good to his heart. According to Jack’s doctor, there’s really nothing they can do for him outside of an open-heart surgery, but his sister died that way and THERE’S NO WAY HE’S GOING OUT THAT WAY, MAN! His buddy Amanda figures he should try some alternative healing. She heard from a friend of a friend of a friend that sex with a McClellan Woman can heal Jack all that ails him and lucky for him, the youngest one is single. Ewwww. Jack is skeeved out over the idea of paying a woman to have sex with him, so he instead hires Erin (an interior decorator) to do his house, so that he could have easy access to her and maybe… seduce her. Sex with Erin is wonderful, of course… Jack’s never felt better in his entire life. Sure, he throws up a little bit right afterwards, but honestly, Erin makes him feel really, really good. He almost doesn’t care that his entire family depends on him to fix everything and call him all the time and… oh—-hey, Erin, where are you going? You’re leaving Jack for his own good? He loves you, man! Sure, he didn’t tell you about the heart thing, but—- Wait! Come back!

Ugh. Jack is a likable dude even though he does deceive Erin at first, and he’s such a sweet, sweet guy. He falls so head-over-heels in love with Erin that it’s adorable. Awwww… Erin, on the other hand, could be a little annoying with “Oh, no, my vagina makes men throw up!” whining but her issues are understandable. How the hell would you feel if every time you had sex with a guy, he threw his guts up like he’s got the worst case of food poisoning ever? These two do manage to sit down and work things out… but ugh, so many meddling relatives and friends! I think that was my biggest issue with this series. I’m okay with the Sisters Three getting so involved with each other’s lives, but everyone else also seems to have an opinion. I am so super-skeeved that the mother and aunt of the Sisters Three talk about their sex lives so openly. I mean, COME ON! That’s so gross, dude. I don’t want to be thinkin’ about my mama having sex, much less her having sex with A BUNCHA DUDES like her vagina is a revolving door. *vomits* C+ for this one.

Anyway, this entire series is wacky, but surprisingly fun. The author writes well and I’m always happy to read about heroines who are sexually aware and aren’t complete dingbats. If you guys have room in your TBR, these books are worth a purchase or at least a borrow from your local library. Oh, Harlequin Blaze, I love you like fat kid loves cake!

Love, peace, and snarkage,

[Warning label courtesy of LE Bryce.]

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 10th, 2007 at 1:00 am and is filed under Books, Grade: C, Romance: Contempo. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.