Lilac Brings Out My Eyes

9 May

Bound By BabyIt’s a real man that can wear a lavender shirt and a thin gold tie without looking like one of those bitchy contestants from Project Runway and not say shit like, “It’s kind of, ya know, like trying to disguise a piece of shit amongst a bunch of diamonds. Whatever, even if you put pasties and a freaking maxi pad on the 13th model and send her down the runway, it’s like, who give a fuck at this point?”. Awesome.

Folks say a picture’s worth a thousand words and I know, just from looking at this cover, that this guy is a cowboy (or at least from the great state of Texas) AND ex-military without even looking at the blurb. How do I know this? It doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes deducting skills, friends. Check out this belt buckle. Do you know anyone outside of a Texan who’d wear a buckle as big as his balls? And it’s obvious he’s got big balls, friends, ’cause he could wear a shirt like that without accidentally breaking out into, “Sashay, Chante!” Oh, and what’s that in his hand? Dog tags? Why is he carrying them around? Who knows! He’s a hero for sure, though. I bet he saved a whole battalion in Iraq just with a knife clenched between his teeth and a ball of twine in his hand.

I’m just happy there isn’t a gurgling baby on the cover despite the title being Bound By the Baby. What does that even mean? Did he knock up some dumb virgin by having sex with her without a condom ’cause he told her “you can’t get pregnant the first time”? Why would he marry anyone stupid enough to believe him? ‘Cause she’s pure, that’s why. And how does he manage to look five kinds of awesome in that shirt? Yeah, I have no answer to that.

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25 Responses to “Lilac Brings Out My Eyes”

  1. shuzluva May 9, 2007 at 8:42 am #

    And it’s obvious he’s got big balls, friends, ’cause he could wear a shirt like that without accidentally breaking out into, “Sashay, Chante!

    Thank goodness. I needed that. Now I’m imagining him with the ball of twine sashaying around singing It’s Raining Men

  2. L.E. Bryce May 9, 2007 at 8:55 am #

    “It’s kind of, ya know, like trying to disguise a piece of shit amongst a bunch of diamonds. Whatever, even if you put pasties and a freaking maxi pad on the 13th model and send her down the runway, it’s like, who give a fuck at this point?”

    Aww, you have a soft spot for Santino Rice, too!!

  3. Ann(ie) May 9, 2007 at 9:15 am #

    You know, I kinda like the shirt. I’ve got my husband wearing pink, not fuschia or anything. The pale pink you find in men’s dress shirts. For years he told me he’d never do it. Then he finally broke down. Got a pink dress shirt, a peppermint tie, and I sent him off to work.

    He came home all bemused. “People were telling me how handsome I look, all day long. My brother and my dad made fun of me, though. They said, ‘Look at you, Mr. GQ. You think you’re something, don’t you!’”

    But he now has like four pink shirts because he realizes I am the arbiter of fashion in this house. Left to him, he would never wear anything but black, gray or tan. I’ve promised I’ll never gay him up, so he gets hit on by dudes.

  4. Eilonwy May 9, 2007 at 10:20 am #

    Is it just me, or is the perspective kinda off in this cover? I mean, his left hand/arm looks like it belongs to someone else, it’s so large in comparison to the rest of him.

    Maybe it’s a bionic hand and arm ’cause he lost his real limb (and the ball of twine) in the Iraq.

  5. Babz May 9, 2007 at 10:58 am #

    Christ, I thought that was Keanu Reeves! No shit!

    The belt, the tags, it’s all about the subtlety isn’t it.. He has huge hands though.. HM.

    Ann(ie), I’ve been with bf for 4 years and I can’t even get him to wear a pink T-shirt. How do u do that?

  6. Roslyn May 9, 2007 at 11:55 am #

    No way in hell would my husband wear ‘flower colors.’ I can’t even use floral sheets on the bed. When my son was born he made me swear ‘no smocking, no sailor suits.’ He’s so sophisticated and evolved about some things, but on this he’s definitely knuckle dragging throwback.

  7. bam May 9, 2007 at 11:59 am #

    I can’t even use floral sheets on the bed.

    Yeah, what’s with that? Tim is totally dead-set against floral pattern sheets, too! I was like, “What, you think if you lie down on floral sheets, you’ll wake up gay?” and he’s all, “It’s just ugly. It reminds me of my mom’s sheets.”

    He’s a solid colors guy: burgundy, gray, navy, and black. That’s it.

  8. Christine d'Abo May 9, 2007 at 1:02 pm #

    LOL that is too funny! It’s amazing how much they try to squeeze into a cover these days. Though I have to say his shirt goes nice with the cover colour.

    Belt buckle as big as his balls…LOL

  9. Ann(ie) May 9, 2007 at 2:16 pm #

    Andres does not care what the sheets look like, as long as they’re soft.

    As for how I did it, I just kept working on him. Every now and then I’d suggest it and he’d balk. Then I’d give him a puppy-eyed look, seen here, and say, “Okay, well, if you don’t trust my judgment…” (deep sigh). Alternately, I’d sometimes say, “All right, if you don’t want to look as handsome as you possibly can. I guess you don’t miss having women take a second look at you.”

    Five years of this, intermittently, and it worked. ;)

  10. Tumperkin May 9, 2007 at 2:38 pm #

    My husband would never wear pink but he does – of his own volition – wear white trousers and a green and white stripey tank top with NO T-SHIRT UNDERNEATH. That is so much gayer than a pink dress shirt (which is actually pretty de rigeur in the office).

    Damn metrosexuals, using up your moisturiser.

  11. Charlene May 9, 2007 at 3:26 pm #

    Excuse me for breaking up this edition of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, but I just looked up this book on Amazon, and…

    …he’s a banker. A CONSERVATIVE banker. Who wears a belt buckle and a purple shirt? Right…

  12. TeddyPig May 9, 2007 at 4:20 pm #

    Don’t you remember you told me
    you loved me now baby
    You said you’d be coming
    back this way again, baby
    Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh baby
    I love you
    I really do

    Carpenters – Superstar

  13. dillene May 9, 2007 at 4:32 pm #

    Hmmm…perhaps those were his boyfriend’s dog tags, but then a tragic friendly-twine incident in Iraq sent the boyfriend to that great Gold’s Gym in the sky.

    Dog tags and belt buckle notwithstanding, there is a certain otherwordly delicacy to his features. I also dig his groovy, glowing cuff link. Maybe he’s waiting for the Mothership!

  14. bam May 9, 2007 at 4:40 pm #

    Why do I suddenly feel like singing “Diamonds and Pearls” by Prince and the New Power Generation?

    If I gave you diamonds and pearls
    Would you be a happy boy or a girl
    If I could I would give you the world
    But all I can do is just offer you
    My loooooove

    AND

    D to the I to the A to the M
    O to the N to the D to the pearls of love
    D to the I to the A to the M
    O to the N to the D to the pearls of love

    Am I alone here?

    And Dillene, those cufflinks are insane. I think they might be a beacon of some sort, you’re right.

  15. Kaitlin May 9, 2007 at 5:21 pm #

    He looks like that scary actor on Bold & Beautiful, I think he plays Ridge or somesuch nonsense. I personally think anyone with cheekbones like that had them surgically enhanced cuz that’s just way too scary, even for me & I like some well-defined cheekbones. LOL! :)

  16. kate r May 9, 2007 at 6:43 pm #

    I know you’re all raving about him and the belt buckle he rode in on, but I would not let that man touch any of my babies. Look at that ring. Shit.

  17. Melissa May 9, 2007 at 6:57 pm #

    So…I actually read this. (It is part of a continuing series, and I will read anything with connecting characters…anything!) There is no way I would have picked this up if it was not part of the series. No cowboys or babies for this girl! The man is a wealthy banker from Philadelphia. WTF is up with that damn buckle? OK, give us the whole story in the cover, but at least make sure it is the story inside the cover!

  18. Shiloh Walker May 10, 2007 at 3:50 am #

    the purple isn’t working for me. Neither is that cuff link. It would blind me.

  19. Charlene May 10, 2007 at 8:02 am #

    I think those are actually hotel keys, not dog tags, which makes it even more skankalicious. I would not be happy were I the writer.

  20. L.E. Bryce May 10, 2007 at 8:46 am #

    Who uses hotel keys anymore? Every hotel I’ve been to in the last 15 years has those card-swipe thingies.

  21. Tracey May 10, 2007 at 11:45 am #

    Is it me, or does that guy look a LOT like Benjamin Bratt (Detective Reynaldo “Ray” Curtis on Law & Order)?

  22. Flo May 10, 2007 at 12:00 pm #

    All I can think of is the photog guy or the artist going:

    “Yeah baby, more skank, oh yeah, show Daddy who got big belt banging balls!”

    … yeah I’ve done that for a few of my images as well… *blush*

  23. Eilonwy May 10, 2007 at 1:43 pm #

    Tracey: That was my first thought, too. But I don’t think Curtis would’ve worn lilac. :D

  24. danette May 10, 2007 at 2:08 pm #

    Wow! I didn’t even notice the belt at first all I could see was the purple shirt.Lol!

  25. Charlene May 11, 2007 at 1:36 pm #

    Who uses hotel keys anymore? Every hotel I’ve been to in the last 15 years has those card-swipe thingies.

    I know! And this is set at two hotels in major resort areas, one in Atlantic City, one at Lake Tahoe. I could see if it was some bed and breakfast somewhere in the mountains somewhere, but…