43 Responses to “13 Things For Which I Should Get MY Ass Kicked”

1. Angie Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 6:38 am

   1 5. When a reputable publisher rejected my novella, I actually said out loud, “My book was probably too smart for them.” Yes, I did. Ugh. I’m lucky I still have eyebrows on my head, they shot up so high.

2. Gwen Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 6:58 am

   2 Bam - you’re allowed to be proud of your accomplishments, you know. Don’t beat yourself up TOO much.

3. December Quinn Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 7:02 am

   3 11. Every time I walk into a cafe and see someone sipping their coffee and looking all studious over their laptop, I think to myself, “Ah, we’re pretend-writing again, I see!” (though I’ve been told this is okay) and while standing in line waiting to place an order: “So… that’s what you’re doing with your liberal arts degree?” Yeah, I’ve done that one. But the rest…damn! I figured that’s why the cover snarkage stopped. Oh well. I still like coming here. Even though you never reciprocate.

4. Jackie Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 7:21 am

   4 Welcome to the insanity that is writing, Bam! We have punch and pie. For what it’s worth, I give you FULL PERMISSION to snark on my ROAD cover. (Er, once I have the final cover, that is.)

5. shuzluva Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 7:22 am

   5 I’m happy to see you lauging at your own asinine actions. At least you admit your shameful activities and own up to the fact that you (along with all of us) can be a jackass. Of course, I kinda knew you’d do that, because you really do try to keep it on the level. Just one of the reasons I love you babe. You can have your moments of self righteous idiocy.

6. Ann(ie) Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 7:31 am

   6 In my head author = published. Writer = unpublished. So by saying, “I’m an author,” in Annie-speak, this covers the published part, without making you sound like a dipshit.

7. Colleen Gleason Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 7:31 am

   7 LOL, Bam! You goooo!

8. bam Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 7:39 am

   8 Author Comment In my head author = published. Writer = unpublished. So by saying, “I’m an author,” in Annie-speak, this covers the published part, without making you sound like a dipshit I think I’ve gone back to saying, “Um… I’m a *mumble-mumble*” I still like coming here. Even though you never reciprocate. DQ, does this post not prove that I AM a dipshit? I’m lucky I still have eyebrows on my head, they shot up so high. I’m human. Rejection sucks. Can’t expect an imperfect being to blow kisses and smile and pass out rainbow stickers when a person gets rejected. We think bad thoughts, we throw things, we burn shit in effigy, we beat our chests and scream “WHYYYYYYYYYYY” to the heavens, we buy really fucking expensive shoes we regret later… and then we get over it and put our noses back to the grind. Otherwise we break out the chainsaw and things get ugly…

9. MaryJanice Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 7:52 am

   9 I think you’re being too hard on yourself. What were you supposed to say instead of “now that I’m a published author”? “Now that I’m a ring-tailed lemur…”? You ARE published, some people won’t get your books, and hey, some of your books will probably be too smart for some people. (None of mine are too smart for anybody, but that’s because Betsy’s an idiot.) Just the fact that you’re so worried about becoming an ABB means you probably shouldn’t be so worried about becoming an ABB. Keep Karen and the gals close at hand; they’ll keep you on the straight and narrow. My best friend does my PR stuff, but she’s known me since our training bra days so she keeps my head from getting too swollen. Also, she has instructions to shoot me in the face if I ever turn into an asshat. You know, generally speaking.

10. Kat Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 8:16 am

    10 Ah, how the mighty have fallen! Next thing you know you’ll be knitting sock puppets on the side. Seriously, I’m still grinning at some of the stuff on the list.

11. bam Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 8:20 am

    11 Sock puppets… perish the thought! *sheepish grin* Fandom Wank makes vile creatures out of all of us, Kat.

12. Samantha Lucas Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 8:37 am

    12 Wow, now you have me wondering how often I do that stuff. Eeesh, like I needed more stuff rattling around in my brain. lol Great list!

13. Meljean Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 8:47 am

    13 Dude, I make people lick my toes when they meet me. Cuz I’m that awesome. … *sob* and now I’ve woken up and my dreams are smashed again *sob*

14. Angie Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 8:52 am

    14 Dude, I make people lick my toes when they meet me. *fervently hopes to NEVER meet Meljean in person*

15. bam Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 8:55 am

    15 Dude, I make people lick my toes when they meet me. Cuz I’m that awesome. MJB has pretty toes. I mean, uh…

16. Jackie Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 8:56 am

    16 Meljean, can we massage your feet instead?

17. Meljean Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 9:21 am

    17 Aw, Angie, I’m a sweetie. My toes are like sugar. …okay, I’m totally grossing myself out.

18. Ann(ie) Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 9:41 am

    18 Just wait until some crazed stalker fan goes around posting, “Meljean’s toes are like sugar, and she’ll let me lick them when I meet her!” all over the place. Then you’ll be sorry. Some foot festishist will show up to a booksigning with a bib on, ready to go to town.

19. Jackie Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 10:00 am

    19 Ann(ie), foot fetishists don’t wear bibs. The dudes who dress up like babies wear bibs.

20. Sandra Schwab Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 10:20 am

    20 author = published. Writer = unpublished Isn’t one of them supposedly dead? *g* Bam, never fear: things will happen to you that drag you down to earth again. Like, when you don’t win the RITA or make it not even into the final round (even though you’ve already practised the acceptance speech) (for two categories, because naturally, you assume you will also win the “Best First Book” category). Or when your book is unfavourably discussed on a message board (and people comment, among other things, on your hero’s hair colour) (as you can see: this stung! *g*). Or when you organize a reading, already see yourself smiling benignly at the spell-bound masses, and end up reading to 10 people. Hey, but at least you’ve bought enough wine for a fricking wonderful party afterwards!

21. Shiloh Walker Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 10:31 am

    21 Meljean, sweetie, as much as I love the early reads, I am not licking your toes or any other part of your body. Sorry! Bam, don’t be so hard on yourself. Authors are human, right? We all do or think stupid things that later on, we wish we wouldn’t have thought, said or done. Honestly, I don’t think any of those were all that terrible. And … *G* most of them you actually just thought instead of saying. If we were all blasted for the mean, rude things we thought, the ABB lists would wrap around the world. Being an author is a very, very weird thing. very very weird…

22. Lauren Dane Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 10:50 am

    22 Okay, as long as you keep your bitching to yourself or to your friends via phone, email or IM, you’re okay. Friends are important when you do this thing - they’ll totally tell you if you have spinach in your teeth. I haven’t done the “published author” bit because I wasn’t part of romancelandia blogwise until after I’d sold a manuscript (see how I worked that in! Genius!) so I just say author or even writer. Unless it’s the creepy right wing people whose kids go to school with my oldest and then I just say stay at home mom or they’ll show up with pitchforks and torches and they already hate my bumperstickers.

23. Skyla Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 11:00 am

    23 Hmm…I think I’ve done #s 6, 7, 8, and 11. I’m particularly bad for 6 and 8, but I figure if stuff is just in my head, rather than being said aloud, then at least I’m the only one who has to deal with me being a jackass, lol. Also, when asked what I do, I say I’m a “novelist.” I agree, “writer” seems to equal unpublished, but “author” doesn’t feel right to me either.

24. kate r Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 11:01 am

    24 heh. I make fun of the unpublished today. Talk about kicking fluffy kitties with big boots or getting spinach in the teeth. damn it all , I was afraid you’d get all weird about covers etc after you became one of The Pubbed. And you are one of the least annoying about the being The Pubbed ever. I know because I have the high standard of myself as one of the most. Oh, the contortions I went through to be able to mention it. (”Funny you should mention that your husband died July 2004. Why that was when my first book was released.”)

25. Flo Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 12:43 pm

    25 Woooman, you better keep up the cover snark. And I expect cover snark on your OWN cover. Hell I’ll do it for you! >;D Everyone has moments of ego-osity. No matter WHAT section of the arts you’re in. I was utterly convinced that a triptych image I had done for a class was going to win a contest. It did place but not where I wanted it too. And I TOTALLY wanked on the winner, like a skank. And my art buddy just turned, oh so coolly, and slapped me upside my head. After that I was OK. See, you just need the slap upside the head. That’s what buds are for.

26. April Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 12:58 pm

    26 Sounds all perfectly normal to me. I’d be thinking and doing the same things were I in your shoes. #7 is the reason I’m no longer an Aspiring Author. The fiance is the Writer, so I’m the Artist. I couldn’t handle the writing advice he gave me, and I couldn’t say, “Hey, I’M the writer!” So I dropped the writing aspirations altogether and took up the art thing, lol. Although… Hey, Annie, there HAS to be another definition for Writer. Unpublished sounds too much like a wannabe and not at all a pro. While the fiance IS technically unpublished, his writing has made the screen and the radio waves in various countless ways. I’ve been referring to him as a Writer because Screenwriter sounds too limiting. But damn, now his writing sounds like a hobby, lol. Bam, one last thing: I don’t know what cover you were reluctant to snark, but let me assure you that you can always cover snark me without fear, and I won’t ever retaliate. Snark just makes me want to do better the next time around … in a “I’ll show them I’m better than that” kind of way. That, or I’d just assign a cover of yours to another artist of your choice. Though I do sometimes think, “My covers are too smart for some people!” Ha! Just kidding. *g*

27. Monica J Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 1:42 pm

    27 OMG, not wishing you any bad reviews, of course, but I wonder what will happen if that goes down. I’m sure you will resist all urges to stab them with your pen and cuss their asses out in comments talking about their Mamas and stinky crotches. Of course you will. I recommend chamomile tea along with the amusing but quiet pastime of photoshopping their faces onto bodies of your choice.

28. Charlene Teglia Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 4:43 pm

    28 Hey, you stopped yourself from becoming a Stepford Bam in public. *g* I haven’t bought really expensive shoes, but the only time I’ve ever shrugged off a rejection, I was in the throes of morning sickness and just didn’t have the energy to spare to get worked up over it. Seriously, it’s a huge adjustment when you start to realize your dreams. And there’s a terrific book called 7 Steps on the Writer’s Path that talks about envy and all the other unsightly emotions and how they can work for you.

29. bam Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 5:10 pm

    29 Author Comment What were you supposed to say instead of “now that I’m a published author”? “Now that I’m a ring-tailed lemur…”? Silly goose! I’m not a shape-shifter. Dear God… were-ring-tailed lemur… *slaps forehead* I hope I didn’t just give someone a story idea… Ann(ie), foot fetishists don’t wear bibs. The dudes who dress up like babies wear bibs. Jackie, why do I have the feeling you would know. *grin* Bam, never fear: things will happen to you that drag you down to earth again. Like, when you don’t win the RITA or make it not even into the final round (even though you’ve already practised the acceptance speech) Sandra, I practice my Oscar acceptance speech in the shower everyday. Even though I don’t intend to act, direct, or write a screenplay. I just figured they’d give me one for being kickass. It goes something like this: “First, I’d like to thank the Academy. I’d also like to thank Christian Bale for being brilliant… as well as Kate Winslet and Rachel Weisz… My cinematographer, Chris Doyle who, I swear, reads my mind. My agent, my fans, and all my friends at the CAA. Most importantly, I’d like to—oh, no, is my time up already? *appreciative audience laughter* Five more seconds! Last but not the least, I’d like to thank my dear, dear husband Christian Bale for loving me and believing in me and for being totally hot *camera pans to Christian Bale, who is beaming lovingly* and my parents who have always been very supportive… I love you guys. Thank you everyone, Good night!” Friends are important when you do this thing - they’ll totally tell you if you have spinach in your teeth. Lauren, I have some friends who don’t tell me until later. Then they laugh like hyenas. Dicks. And you are one of the least annoying about the being The Pubbed ever. Thank you, Kate! I think you’re pretty not annoying, either! I’m sure you will resist all urges to stab them with your pen and cuss their asses out in comments talking about their Mamas and stinky crotches. Of course you will. Monica, I’ll try very hard to restrain myself in comments… I’ve knitted some very nice sock puppets, however. Heh. JUST KIDDING!! I don’t know what cover you were reluctant to snark, but let me assure you that you can always cover snark me without fear April hon, you know I think you’re brilliant. Hey, you stopped yourself from becoming a Stepford Bam in public. Charlene, barely. Someone pointed it out to me. She was all, “Um… you’re becoming unbearable” and I had this moment when I was looking in the mirror and I was like, “When you come back, there will be a woman with my name and my face, she’ll tell everyone she likes their writing even though it sucks and she’ll have flashing GIFs of hearts and rainbows on her site, but she won’t write wonderful books and blog about hot celebrities and make fun of ugly covers and SHE WON’T BE ME!”

30. sallahdog Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 6:02 pm

    30 Since authors have very little power over their covers… snark away… So what if they put a hairy warthog from hell on the cover of your book? You can snark that one too…. Actually, that would make for some really kick ass blogging….maybe you can win the Academy Award for that.. (I am sure I saw a kick ass blog award on that show last year, it was right there in between best key grip and best Starbucks latte gofer)

31. Nicolette Rivers Posted: May 10th, 2007 at 7:19 pm

    31 Would it help you if I admit to being obnoxious? Now, keep in mind I’m only published in an anthology ’cause I’m too lazy to submit anything else. Oh, and because I seem to have all of a sudden lost my confidence. I have a friend at work who goes to school part time, and keeps conning me into writing her essays. One day she thanks me because the last two papers recieved A minuses. No lie, I’m pissed off at the minus. I seriously wanted to call her professor and inform him I’m published. “Yes, I’ve been writing Rae’s papers for her, and you commented she needed more details. I write this things after a full day of work, and when I’m dog-assed tired — gimme an effin’ break. Did I mention I’m published?” Sickening, yes?

32. Karen Scott Posted: May 11th, 2007 at 1:40 am

    32 It’s ok to be proud of your accomplishments, just don’t go round posting promo’s on other people’s lists and blogs, that shit is bound to get you a whooped arse round here. *g* Also, if you do get a bad review, IM me, and I’ll go trolling on your behalf.

33. Angie Posted: May 11th, 2007 at 5:14 am

    33 Hey! I think Karen just offered to be your rabid fangirl. How cool is that?

34. shuzluva Posted: May 11th, 2007 at 5:47 am

    34 Lauren, I have some friends who don’t tell me until later. Then they laugh like hyenas. Dicks. *Hyena laughter*

35. Jackie Posted: May 11th, 2007 at 6:28 am

    35 “Jackie, why do I have the feeling you would know. *grin*” I would, Bam. I would. Remind me to tell you about the time I accidentally tried to sell some bondage magazines to a fellow who liked to dress up like a baby girl.* * No, this is not a Ben Jelen plug, I swear.

36. bam Posted: May 11th, 2007 at 7:23 am

    36 Author Comment No, this is not a Ben Jelen plug, I swear. Aw, Jackie, why you gotta put “Ben Jelen” and “plug” in one sentence? Now I’m gonna obsess about that all day! Mmm… Ben Jelen plug… *Hyena laughter* *eye roll* bitch! Hey! I think Karen just offered to be your rabid fangirl. How cool is that? I just got tears in my eyes, that’s how cool it is. Also, if you do get a bad review, IM me, and I’ll go trolling on your behalf. And if you ever want someone to run up to Posh Becks and throw acid in her face, you let me know.

37. Jackie Posted: May 11th, 2007 at 9:46 am

    37 GROAN (Hey, how to I get the spiffy quote boxes? Huh? Hah?) Oooh — A Spell for Chameleon. The one that got me into Xanth for, like, ten books.

38. zad Posted: May 11th, 2007 at 2:56 pm

    38 maybe instead of introducing yourself as a published author (or indeed, “auteur”) you could describe yourself as “someone who is able to correctly use ’schadenfreude’ in a sentence”. my favorite word, btw.

39. May Posted: May 12th, 2007 at 1:41 pm

    39 At least for me, writer means unpubbed and author means pubbed. So for now I say writer. I don’t think I’m ever going to meet Meljean. I adore her and her books and stuff, but toe-licking…Uh, no. Sorry, but just no.

40. gena showalter Posted: May 12th, 2007 at 2:39 pm

    40 Meljean, Why am I all the more excited to meet you in person now? Seriously. Kate R, you made me spew my drink. I love how you can work the book into a conversation like that.

41. Chris Sims Posted: May 12th, 2007 at 6:58 pm

    41 In my head author = published. Writer = unpublished. So by saying, “I’m an author,” in Annie-speak, this covers the published part, without making you sound like a dipshit. But “author” tends to imply “novelist”–at least to me–whereas there are plenty of professional writers who don’t fit that definition, like humorists or comics writers.

42. BernardL Posted: May 14th, 2007 at 5:34 am

    42 You can’t write without an ego. The editing alone would drive you insane, and the rejection notices would leave you whimpering in a corner.

43. HelenKay Posted: May 16th, 2007 at 10:06 am

    43 Always nice to know I’m not the only one who does these things. Really, I should be locked up for my own safety. Wait until you’re talking with someone about what you do, you mention the author thing and the person asks you where your books are sold or if “other” people can buy them. As if I’m published in the sense that I write limmericks on bubblegum wrapers or something. I turn into psycho chick. You’ll see me on the news one of these days. The headline: Bubblegum Wrapper Writer Beats Fellow Starbucks Patron To Death With Plastic Spoon. The day is coming…