If you’re like me —jaded, dead inside, the owner of a cold black heart —you may find yourself spending hours in the greeting card aisle of your grocery store, looking for a card that says exactly how you feel (or you’re just a weirdo with nothing better to do, but hey, I don’t judge). But since the rest of the world isn’t as “realistic” about the state of human existence as you, you probably have a hard time finding a card that isn’t saccharine-creepy or vaguely smells like grandma. Well, fret no longer, my friend (okay, you may fret, but not about greeting cards, pal… NOT ANYMORE!), because here are the perfect greeting cards for a cynical bitch like you!
[Courtesy of the geniuses at Uncooked Land]
… oh, and this last one isn’t a card, but it’s my favorite. I do believe it’s a love story. According to those wacky Uncooked folks:
a long, long time ago, sometime last week, we decided what a glorious idea it would be if we became novelists. we immediately became nervous and threw up in our laps, then gave each other haircuts. the next day, a book of short stories was underway
[Click the image for a larger version]
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May 15, 2007 at 10:20 pm
We can always count on you to find something so fucked up that we have to love it. Lol.
May 16, 2007 at 3:16 am
Oh those are awesome. I’m in love. I must have those cards for my own.
May 16, 2007 at 4:47 am
I want to be one horribly deformed person with you Bam. Can I have one of your boobs at least?
May 16, 2007 at 7:26 am
I dunno that I’d pick one of those cards, but yeah, I’ve had that problem buying cards before.
big time.
May 16, 2007 at 8:13 am
That story made my skin crawl. The cards rocked, though.
May 16, 2007 at 11:22 am
Those are great. I need one for my Home Owner’s Association to ‘thank’ them for their recent notification that my lawn sucks and that if I don’t take action, they will.
May 16, 2007 at 4:24 pm
freaking hilarious. i think i just peed myself..
May 17, 2007 at 3:45 am
I swear that story must have been written by my best friend when I was 12. The tone, the style (the length) are redolent of her magnus opus “Aggie goes to the Butchers”.
May 17, 2007 at 11:17 am
OMG those are like the coolest cards EVAH!
May 17, 2007 at 8:25 pm
hells yeah! these cards are the best around. they’re in the best little & big card stores in nyc. and their website cracks me up!
my favorite from uncooked:
” the best part about being friends with you is that i get to borrow your lip balm and not have to worry about getting herpes.”
Luv it!!!
May 17, 2007 at 10:47 pm
Does no one else notice that the story sounds vaguely like Madlibs??