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Och! Tyra Would Hate this Cover!

[fake blurb alert!]Untamed
Mary Beth Jones is a 21 year old cashier at the Winn-Dixie in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. All her life, people have told her she’s “purty enough to model” and Mary Beth has taken that to heart. Never mind that she has a snaggle tooth that will scare an orthodontist, a left eye that has the tendency to wander, and has to shave her whiskers in the morning (who doesn’t?)! Modeling is her way out and damn it, as soon as she gets off her shift at Winn Dixie, she’s heading for the mall for the ANTM try-outs!

Mary Beth, heretofore known as Maybeth, makes it to the top 12, even though Nigel Barker thinks she’s more “Sears Catalogue, Fall 1985″ than “high fashion”. Mr. Jay thinks she “thinks too much” about her poses and should just “go with the moment”. During panel, Tyra illustrates the difference between “wonk-eyed crazy” and “fieeeeeeeeeeerce”. Maybeth avoids being eliminated by being a backstabbing, shit-talking bitch that makes for good TV and as she tells the Camera Three, she is “not here to make friends” and “want[s] it more than anyone else here!” Miss Jay Alexander thinks she’s too short and has the tendency to look “draggish” especially with her lantern jaw.

And then comes the part of the show where the girls must pose with… a male model. The theme is… Highland Romance Novel Covers! Now Maybeth reveals her secret fear: she has a phobia of long-haired men with bigger boobs than she does and the male model she must pose with is… OH NOES, NATHAN KEMP! Maybeth tells Mr. Jay that she can pose for the cover by herself and will do so… naked. Edgy! Mr. Jay wishes her luck and tells her, “Don’t forget your neck!” Mr. Jay wanted to give her long flowing locks, but they ran out of human hair extensions and have to go with synthetic hair. OH NOES! At panel, Tyra tells Maybeth that as a model, she has to rise above her fears, even if that meant posing with a male cover model. She must strive and do everything for ONE GOOD SHOT and Tyra was hard-pressed to find anything “usable” in the whole bunch. Miss Jay Alexander thought she looked “awkward” and draggy”. Nigel Barker says the photo is “not good”. Twiggy says, “It’s too… commercial for me!” Thus Maybeth lands in the final two for the last time and… is… ELIMINATED!

[Ok, I realize that joke ran a little too long, but damn, I love me some ANTM.]

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 15th, 2007 at 7:07 am and is filed under Covers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

11 Responses to “Och! Tyra Would Hate this Cover!”

  1. Meljean
    Posted: May 15th, 2007 at 8:13 am
    1

    lol!

  2. Shiloh Walker
    Posted: May 15th, 2007 at 10:38 am
    2

    you made no mention of the weird way her thighs look with that tartan draped the way it is.

    I mentioned it on Sybil’s blog, but I do seriously love the colors on the cover.

  3. April
    Posted: May 15th, 2007 at 10:47 am
    3

    The more I read your blog, the more I find how much your vocabulary matches H.E.’s — he’s the only other person I know who regularly uses snaggle tooth, schadenfreude, and others words/terms that I’ve seen you use.

  4. bam
    Posted: May 15th, 2007 at 10:48 am
    4

    you made no mention of the weird way her thighs look with that tartan draped the way it is.

    Damn it, I totally dropped the ball on that one. Thanks, Shiloh! Tyra would have noticed it for sure. :(

  5. shuzluva
    Posted: May 15th, 2007 at 11:00 am
    5

    You’re giving Rich a run for his money. Too bad you don’t have Tyra making faces!

  6. Suisan
    Posted: May 15th, 2007 at 11:40 am
    6

    I loves the ANTM as well. Secret shame. Sob.

  7. AngelaDionne
    Posted: May 15th, 2007 at 1:26 pm
    7

    I read Hope Tarr’s last historical Vanquished and holy crap was it good. I actually bought it for the cover and ended up devouring it on the long plane ride from Houston to Dublin on our vacation.

  8. Renaesance
    Posted: May 15th, 2007 at 1:51 pm
    8

    hehe Hope Tarr used to come to the coffee shop I used to work at at least twice a day. Nice lady drinks a lot of coffee. Oddly enough I never got around to reading one of her books

  9. dillene
    Posted: May 15th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
    9

    My neck hurts just looking at that picture.

  10. Darragha
    Posted: May 16th, 2007 at 5:12 am
    10

    Nice background colors. But to me it looks like she’s offering her throat to the wolf…

    I, too, enjoy ANTM. Along with LOST and Heroes…oh, and How Clean is Your House…they are the shows I DVR and watch as time allows each week.

    Darr

  11. Gwen
    Posted: Jul 9th, 2007 at 9:55 pm
    11

    HAHAHAHAHA!

    Sorry. I’m late seeing this.

    HAHAHAHA!

    Sorry. Sorry. (snicker) (giggle) Poor girl. I wonder how long she had to wear the neck brace after standing for that shoot.

    (giggle)

    You just don’t do enough cover snark, Bam. It’s highly entertaining.

    (guffaw)

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