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13 Reasons Why a Home Office is a Bad Idea

I work from home. I don’t have a boss looking over my shoulder all day and I don’t gotta answer to nobody ‘cept mesself (unless you count Shuzluva and that bitch can crack a mean whip). That’s not as great as it sounds. You see, my goal is to write 5000 words a day and that doesn’t always happen. Why? ‘Cause I got a million things to distract me… and here are 13 of them:

1. Netflix. I get 3 DVDs a week from them and I just have to sit and watch them as they come. How can anyone receive The Kims of Comedy in the mail and not watch it right away?

2. Tim’s X-BOX 360. I don’t play videogames as much as I used to, but damn, how can I get any work done when there are zombies waiting to be blasted?

3. Our bed. We have one of those memory foam thingeys and man, it’s frickin’ awesome. It’s… it’s like laying on a cloud. It’s magical and… tends to call to me like a siren in the middle of the day and I still have 4,998 words to write to meet my daily quota.

4. Maury Povich. His show is terrible, but I have to sit down and watch it whenever I catch it on TV. Who cares if I’ve seen “I’ve Slept With Fifteen Men in Three Months, But I’m Sure You’re the Father of My Baby And I’m Going to Prove it with this DNA Test” at least a hundred times?

5. My 800-DVD movie collection. I got horror, drama, BBC adaptations of Jane Austen novels, comedy, sci-fi… and I’m the kind of person who can watch a movie over and over and over again.

6. The fridge. I’m addicted to Pillsbury Toaster Strudels. The strawberry cheesecake flavor. Mmm…

7. Lysol Sanitizing Wipes. I hate cleaning and yet, when I’m supposed to be working, I find myself suddenly wanting to scrub the bathroom sink or the kitchen counter… and those damned sanitizing wipes make it so easy!

8. The goddamn beach. It’s right across the street from our house. When it gets a little warm, I open the sliding glass door that leads from my office to the backyard and I can smell the ocean. And the surfer boys. And I follow my nose, which takes me to this concrete bench where I can sit and ogle the surfer boys to my heart’s content.

9. My mountainous TBR. At my estimate, I have about… oh, I don’t know… 10,000 books to read. That’s not counting comic books.

10. Annie and Shuz. Neither of them live with me (dear God, we’d drive Tim to spork his own eardrums in five minutes), but damn, Trillian makes it so convenient for me to talk to them all day.

11. The Internet. Dear Author, Syb, Mrs. Giggles, Karen, SBTB, DListed, Defamer, Pajiba, TWOP… damn you all.

12. Telenovelas. They’re not just soap operas… they’re soap operas ON CRACK. I understand almost zero Spanish, but damn, even I can understand crazy bitches throwing acid on each other’s faces, evil twin brothers raping their twin’s maiden virgin bride, and stupid-ass rich boys dating a poor girl to spite their relatives and their skanky evil girlfriends only to find themselves in love with the poor girl… for real! That shit is universal.

13. The Mexican food take-out place down the street from my house. Damn you, Carne Asada Fries and your delicious cheesy, meaty goodness!

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 17th, 2007 at 6:29 am and is filed under Just Dionne!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

16 Responses to “13 Reasons Why a Home Office is a Bad Idea”

  1. Ann(ie)
    Posted: May 17th, 2007 at 6:36 am
    1

    You’d love TV here, dude. And you sound like me…

  2. Christine d'Abo
    Posted: May 17th, 2007 at 6:58 am
    2

    I would love to work from home, but I know those would be distractions for me too. Especially the bed and movie ones. And I’d always be doing other little things to distract me.

  3. Lauren Dane
    Posted: May 17th, 2007 at 7:33 am
    3

    I’d love to work from home but my 2 year old ain’t having it. Sigh. She won’t let me watch telenovellas either, she is stingy with her Dora The Explorer time.

  4. BevL (QB)
    Posted: May 17th, 2007 at 7:38 am
    4

    Ditto #6, 9, 10 (Damn your addictive blog, Annie), which ties in with #11. I, however, would fervently welcome #8.

  5. kate r
    Posted: May 17th, 2007 at 8:36 am
    5

    blogs are my downfall. Damn you, bam. You and all the people out there like you.

    Have you seen Mrs G’s latest drinking game? It’s the best one ever.

  6. May
    Posted: May 17th, 2007 at 8:38 am
    6

    Me too with 3 and 9!

    This is why I study at the library, and not at home–see, I should be studying now, but here I am, commenting on blogs.

  7. Wylie
    Posted: May 17th, 2007 at 10:16 am
    7

    My distractions are blogs and kids, kids and blogs. Damn you “It’s Not Chick Porn!”

  8. Shelley Munro
    Posted: May 17th, 2007 at 11:35 am
    8

    The internet is my downfall. Even when I tell myself it’s research I seem to get distracted. Coffee shops are the answer for me. I leave the house and have to sit and write.

  9. April
    Posted: May 17th, 2007 at 11:42 am
    9

    Sigh. I should be working.

  10. shuzluva
    Posted: May 17th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
    10

    Bam, you (and Ann(ie)) are an issue for me. JESUS H. CHRIST, I’m supposed to be working. AT WORK! In my office! Ah, but if it weren’t for the fabulous, super-time suckage of the internet I wouldn’t have found you and my life would be so much less exciting.

  11. Shiloh Walker
    Posted: May 17th, 2007 at 7:15 pm
    11

    you so totally suck…

    beach. It’s right across the street from our house.

    That is so unfair. Sniffle. I want a beach across from MY house.

    And the home office thing? Totally agree, but there’s no way I’d willingly give up.

    Nice TT. I’m skipping this week unless I remember to do it in the AM… the monster had a field trip today and threw my day off.

  12. Nicolette Rivers
    Posted: May 17th, 2007 at 10:20 pm
    12

    I soooo relate to this — up to and including the bed. I have the bestest bed! And comfy sheets! I can always convince myself that a nap or good night’s sleep will recharge my writing batteries.

    Or a round of blogs. Or celeb gossip sites.

    Worse than my TBR pile is my podcast “stack.” I have about 200 to listen to from iTunes, and I hear their siren song. Especially This American Life.

    I want to say I’m so proud of you for deciding to trust in yourself and to pursue writing For Reals! I think about it every time I have a suck-assed day at work. “Bam went for it, and look at her! Maybe I should just tell this assclown to eff off and then I can be a full-time writer!”

  13. Erica R
    Posted: May 17th, 2007 at 10:28 pm
    13

    I have a home office… and I *so* resemble a good half of this list! =)

  14. Barbara B.
    Posted: May 18th, 2007 at 9:40 am
    14

    What a FABULOUS life! You’re living the dream, Bam!

  15. bam
    Posted: May 18th, 2007 at 11:43 am
    15

    What a FABULOUS life! You’re living the dream, Bam!

    I could live the dream better if I DIDN’T HAVE THIS EXTRA 10 LBS OF FLAB ON MY ASS!!!

    Maybe I’ll take up yoga.

  16. shuzluva
    Posted: May 18th, 2007 at 11:54 am
    16

    Try cardio. Yoga will just make the flab move in interesting, hypnotic motions…which will probably drive you back to bed.

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