[ASIDE]
There’s a reason why she’s so tragic, after all—if you had to spend all eternity speaking only in Backstreet Boys lyrics and American Idol quotes, you’d be pretty damn sad.

[ALOUD]
But thanks to today’s special guest, Mel decided to cash in on her vacation time and hightail it out of here. Last time those two were in the same room…well, it wasn’t pretty. Pornographic, but not pretty. So, who’s the special guest, you ask? He’s a raunchy little demon who plays a big role in my book, Hell’s Belles.

[ASIDE]

My Dear Creator, Jackie Kessler, claims to have written it. Actually, I possessed her and made the words flow. She’s such a freaking prima donna author, taking all the credit for all my hard work. It’s okay. I get back at her by giving her brilliant ideas at like three in the morning and really messing with her sleep. Heh.

[ALOUD]
Without further ado, please give a hot welcome to the incubus Daunuan!

Heya, sweetie.

DAUNUAN:
Babes.

JEZ:
Thanks for agreeing to the interview, and for taking time away from your packed schedule of seducing evil mortals. But there’s a ground rule in effect: No attempting to seduce the interviewer.

DAUN:
[ARCHES EYEBROW]
Attempt?

JEZ:
Fine. No seducing the interviewer.

DAUN:
Aw. Why not?

JEZ:
We’re on someone else’s turf. So no nookie.

DAUN:
“Nookie”? Did you really just say “nookie”? What the Hell’s wrong with you?

JEZ:
[SHRUGS]
Our Dear Creator’s fault. Her words, not mine.

DAUN:
Huh. She’s a real bitch.

JEZ:
I know, I know. Anyway, onto the questions. You’re a sex-crazed incubus.

DAUN:
That’s redundant.

JEZ:
Let me finish getting the question out. In Hell’s Belles, you’re a sex-crazed incubus, who has to chase down a runaway succubus and bring her back to Hell.

DAUN:
You’re getting off on talking about yourself like that. I can tell.

JEZ:
What was the worst part about hunting down someone you used to screw?

DAUN:
Worst part? What makes you think it was anything other than fun?

JEZ:
Hold the phone. You were totally fine with hunting me down like an animal, with scaring the piss out of me?

DAUN:
Well, I preferred fucking you silly…

JEZ:
You’re a real ass, you know that?

DAUN:
Babes, what’s the issue? I’m an incubus. I’m Evil. Capital e. One of the lower downs in Hell tells me to go find you, guess what? I’m going to go find you. And can I help it if you’re cute when you’re terrified?

JEZ:
Just doing what you were told, huh? So why’d it take so long for you to find me? You getting old, maybe?

DAUN:
It’s not like I needed to hurry or anything. So I took my time once I found you. I loved watching you play at being human, especially when you’d dance on stage and strip off your clothes. And when you thought you were falling in lurve…

JEZ:
I did fall in love. With Paul.

DAUN:
Jury’s out on that, babes.

JEZ:
Big talk from a little demon. You don’t know shit about love. All you know is lust.

DAUN:
Yeah. And? Your point is?

JEZ:
[DEEP BREATH]
Anyway. Next question. What’s it like to possess a human?

DAUN:
Feels like swimming through congealed blood. And it’s just as sweet.

JEZ:
For those out there who don’t make a habit of wading through blood, could you try another analogy?

DAUN:
It’s a head rush.

JEZ:
Which head are you referring to?

DAUN:
Heh. What do you think?

JEZ:
Riiiight. Who are better lovers—demons or humans?

DAUN:
Sheer technique? Demons. Humans die too quickly. But humans are more fun to fuck. I love their sounds, their smells. The way they bend.

JEZ:
So you like flexibility. Good to know. Word association time. Say the first word that comes to mind. Virgins.

DAUN:
Ketchup.

JEZ:
Sex.

DAUN:
Yes.

JEZ:
Paul Hamilton.

DAUN:
Do-gooder-asshole-with-stupidly-big-shoulders.

JEZ:
That’s more than one word.

DAUN:
I hyphenated it in my mind.

JEZ:
In the book, there was a big Announcement in Hell, which changed everything. How’d you take it?

DAUN:
Wasn’t a big deal to me. But I’m more mature than some demons. I can handle shit better than, say, a flighty succubus who startles easily.

JEZ:
Hey.

DAUN:
I can deal with change better than, say, a succubus who thinks she can blend with the flesh puppets and just start over.

JEZ:
Come on, now—

DAUN:
And I sure as Hell can accept my responsibilities better than a succubus who gets reassigned and decides to say “fuck this” and run away from everything she ever knew.

JEZ:
Is this about you, or about me?

DAUN:
You. It’s all about you, Jezzie. You freaked out, you ran away. And Hell said to bring you back.

JEZ:
It was way, way more than that. But I don’t expect you to understand, because you’re just a fucked-up incubus who can’t relate to humans unless you’re in their pants.

DAUN:
Hey, you asked. I answered. Can we fuck now?

JEZ:
No! Um…okay, in Hell’s Belles, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Jackie, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Dear Creator in sync the entire time?

DAUN:
Some parts, we worked well together. Like when I seduced you, both in Hell and when I dressed up like your meat pie.

JEZ:
Don’t call Paul a meat pie.

DAUN:
Other parts sucked ass, like when I wanted to throw you down and screw you until Salvation Day, and instead our Dear Creator made me help you. Must be a female nurturing thing, or some shit like that.

JEZ:
You’re such a sweet talker. If you had your way, what would you change about Hell’s Belles?

DAUN:
You wouldn’t have run away from Hell, and I would have screwed you until Salvation Day.

JEZ:
Awwww. If Hell’s Belles went the way of Hollywood, who would you want to play you?

DAUN:
I can look like anyone. Doesn’t matter to me.

JEZ:
Who should play me?

DAUN:
Anyone other than Demi Moore.

JEZ:
I guess you saw Striptease?

DAUN:
No. But once I possessed Bruce Willis.

JEZ:
What’s better: chocolate or sex?

DAUN:
You’re joking, right? Sex.

JEZ:
Spoken like someone who’s never appreciated chocolate.

DAUN:
What if I take the chocolate and melt it and dribble it between your naked breasts, then lap it off with my tongue? What if I rubbed chocolate on your nipples and—

JEZ:
Daun. Stop. No nookie.

DAUN:
Just asking a question.

JEZ:
A hypothetical?

DAUN:
A rhetorical.

JEZ:
Hey. Hands off, incubus…

DAUN:
But don’t you like this?

JEZ:
I…

DAUN:
And this…?

JEZ:
…oh bless me, you’re so fucking evil…

DAUN:
What about…this…?

JEZ:
[PANTS]
Thank you all for joining us for this special episode of Cat and Muse. For more—EEE! BLESS ME, HANG ON A SECOND—for more about the incubus Daunuan, be sure to pick up a copy of Hell’s Belles and to pre-order The Road to Hell. And now…oh, fuck this, where’s my Dear Creator? Jackie, finish up! I’m busy!

[MICROPHONE DROPS TO FLOOR]

JACKIE:
Um. So we seem to have lost our resident demons to a bout of wild fornication. Er, demon and former demon. Well, once a nefarious entity, always a nefarious entity…

Anyway, how about a contest? Yeah, a contest! Go ahead and post a comment here about why you (heart) demons. The winner [picked at random] will get a copy of Hell’s Belles or, if you already have the book, will get an advance reading copy of The Road to Hell when I get them in August. The winner will be announced on Friday morning.

And please don’t feed the copulating demons.