Mooneva!

Lucky girl! You get your pick: If you haven’t read Hell’s Belles (and why haven’t you), you get a copy! If you have read HB, you get an ARC of The Road to Hell (sent out in August), which comes out on October 30, 2007! You get read it way before everyone else!

Email me your info and we’ll get you situated.

CONGRATULATIONS!

Forget him, Selah March. He’s mine… all mine. He’s ttttttttasty-tasty. He’s Jensenlicious. He’s mantastic. Stay back. Seriously, bitches. Don’t make me have to get all violent up in this mug. I know karate. I ain’t afraid to throw down. Genuflect and worship.

[cool prize alert!]

Hello, children, have we got a treat for you today! Jackie Kessler, our guest blogger, brought two guests with her: Jezebel, the heroine of Hell’s Belles and the upcoming Road to Hell, and Daun, the sexy incubus from both novels and the star of his own book (the 3rd one in the series). The interview is hilarious, sexy, and does well, I think, in introducing these two characters to the uninitiated (though if you’ve never read Hell’s Belles, what is wrong with you?). A warning, children, it does get a little… *fanning self* hot.

Oh, if you’ve never read Hell’s Belles, stay tuned to the end of the interview, where you can learn where to win a copy of your very own, as well as an ARC of Road to Hell, the sequel to Hell’s Belles, which comes out at the end of October.

Warning: Possible spoilers and what-not.

JEZEBEL:
Welcome to a very special edition of Cat and Muse, broadcast live from Bam’s website, It’s Not Chick Porn. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel. Usually, the Muse of Tragedy, Melpomene, is with me, speaking in clichés and pop-culture references.

[ASIDE]
There’s a reason why she’s so tragic, after all—if you had to spend all eternity speaking only in Backstreet Boys lyrics and American Idol quotes, you’d be pretty damn sad.

[ALOUD]
But thanks to today’s special guest, Mel decided to cash in on her vacation time and hightail it out of here. Last time those two were in the same room…well, it wasn’t pretty. Pornographic, but not pretty. So, who’s the special guest, you ask? He’s a raunchy little demon who plays a big role in my book, Hell’s Belles.

[ASIDE]

My Dear Creator, Jackie Kessler, claims to have written it. Actually, I possessed her and made the words flow. She’s such a freaking prima donna author, taking all the credit for all my hard work. It’s okay. I get back at her by giving her brilliant ideas at like three in the morning and really messing with her sleep. Heh.

[ALOUD]
Without further ado, please give a hot welcome to the incubus Daunuan!

[Ed Note: I gotta break in here and let you know it gets a little R-rated after the jump. Good times all around, though]

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I was 10 years old when I first saw Top Gun on VHS and even back then, I knew it. I fucking knew it. Vindication!

[Ahem, not that there’s anything wrong with it. And by it, I mean teh gay.]

As a kid, I loved reading sci-fi and horror short stories. I had a very short attention span and couldn’t sit still long enough to finish a full-length book (I know, right?), but loved to read. It was my need for immediate gratification that turned me onto short stories. In 20-some odd years, I’ve read thousands of them, but these are the ones that really, really stuck with me, because 1) they’re fucked up 2) they have a “lesson” 3) every geek loves them (and I’m nothing if not a geek). Here they are:

1. Bloodchild by Octavia Butler - In this twisted little tale, human refugees living on a strange planet prostitute themselves to alien beings called the T’lic and develop symbiotic relationships with them. The T’lic install the humans in a reserve where they cannot be hunted down by hostiles and in return, the humans allow them to use their bodies… and not in a sexy way, either. The author Butler (RIP) had repeatedly said it’s not about slavery, but the lengths a human would go through to survive.

2. The Lottery by Shirley Jackson - This is not a “happy” lottery. If you get picked, you don’t get to jump around and yell “woo-hoo”. In fact, you have maybe a second to run and even then, it’s too late. It does a great job of showing how humans have a tendency to stick to traditions no matter how stupid and archaic they are.

3. The Man in the Black Suit by Stephen King - A little boy named Gary lives with his family in a small farm, grieving the recent lost of his brother. His mother is not the same woman as before and his father is now very withdrawn. Gary, feeling neglected, goes off to the creek to go fishing and encounters a man in a black three-piece suit who smells like burnt matches and has orange eyes. King is the master at portraying a seemingly idyllic day turn into a frickin’ nightmare. Good stuff.

4. The Screwfly Solution by Raccoona Sheldon (pen name for Alice Sheldon, aka James Tiptree Jr) - Alan is a scientist working in Colombia, investigating the screwfly, while his wife Anne stays with their teenage daughter in Ann Arbor, Michigan. The two of them communicate via letters and through these letters, we see a story developing: men are systematically killing women and though scientists think it’s a disease that’s infecting their brains, the infected men believe it is God’s way of showing them how to live a peaceful life without women (the cause of all trouble) and call themselves “The Sons of Adam”. In the end, Anne finds out the real cause of this plague, but by then, it’s too late… for all the women in the world!

5. Maneki Neko by Bruce Sterling - You give a little love and it all comes back to you… Developed in Tokyo, there is a network all over the world of people giving to others and receiving whatever it is they ask for in return. You give stuff, you get stuff. You fuck with the network, the network fucks with you. Why do people gotta ruin it for everybody else?

6. Patriotism by Yukio Mishima - Written by a man known as a radical nationalist who publicly committed seppuku in protest of the westernization of Japan, this short story is about a disgraced soldier and his beautiful wife. The young man has lost his faith in the Japanese government and no longer wants to live. His wife, ever obliging and bound by honor, must follow after him. What follows is the preparation for a ritual seppuku that is erotic, terrifyingly beautiful, and fucked-up… but in a really deliciously hot way. Yes, yes, I have problems.

7. Speech Sounds by Octavia Butler - A worldwide epidemic robs humanity of their ability to communicate, but it affects them all in different ways. Some people can no longer write or recognize the written word, some have lost their ability to speak, while some can no longer understand spoken language. The folks unaffected by this hide and pretend to be as messed up as everyone else for fear that it will bring down the wrath of others on their heads. Remove the ability to understand others and the whole world is plunged into chaos. Sexy.

8. I Sing the Body Electric! by Ray Bradbury - An extremely busy scientist with young children who have recently lost their mother buys them a robot grandmother who will watch over them and read bedtime stories to them. Ah, robots that will take care of you, love you, and never leave you. That’s so sweet.

9. Houston, Houston, Do You Read? by James Tiptree Jr. - A bunch of space cowboys, real Alpha male types, get lost in space and can’t seem to contact Houston to help them find their way back. A spaceship finally picks them up for rescue… and they’re all broads. THEY ARE ALL BROADS! And everyone knows what broads are good for… Oh, lovely misogyny. You’re a veritable well of story ideas.

10. Contagion by Katherine MacLean - A group of space explorers crash-land on a planet far, far away called Minos. They are surprised to find that it is already populated by humans who speak English, one in particular is a physically perfect specimen called Patrick Mead. He’s brawny, intelligent, charming, good-looking… ah, the ladies luuuurve Patrick. Oh, and Patrick has a sister: Patricia. She’s perfect in every way too. They all are. But why are the male explorers getting sicker and sicker the longer they stay on the planet? What the hell is this contagion not recognized by the ship’s computers? Why is June’s lover starting to look alarmingly like Patrick Mead?

11. No Woman Born by CL Moore - The world’s most beautiful, most charming, most talented woman gets into a tragic accident— no longer beautiful, utterly useless in Hollywood… until a scientist plucks out her brain and sticks it into a robot. Suddenly, she can dance and sing as beautifully as before, is more charming than ever, and is determined to show the world that she’s still got it… only she looks like a robot. In some ways, she’s even better than a human. But what is she, really?

12. The Mist by Stephen King - After a particularly horrific storm, David and his son, Billy go to the grocery store —leaving his wife at home— to buy some milk, bread, and other necessities. After paying for their purchases, David and Billy make their way to the front of the store and notice that very, very thick mist has covered everything and they can’t see anything through it. Oh yeah, and there are prehistoric monsters inside the damn thing. Stick a bunch of panicking, scared people in a grocery store and trap them there. See what happens. Good stuff.

13. There Lies the Wub by Phillip K. Dick - If a cow can talk and make rational arguments, would you still eat it? In this story, we are introduced to an astronaut named Peterson who brings back a wub —a razor-back piggy thing— to the ship for consumption. The crew hasn’t eaten anything good in a while and this wub is looking mighty tasty… until it starts talking. And making very eloquent, erudite arguments as to why it shouldn’t be eaten. The crew still wants to eat it, but Peterson… well, he doesn’t. The Captain, tired and hungry, points a gun at the wub and the wub says, “Can you look me in the eye and do it?” This thing made me a vegetarian for a month… didn’t take, though.

I’ve attached a video (after the jump) that never fails to make me smile. Check it out.

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