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Shut Your Cakehole

These guys do snack reviews way better than I do, but I’m going to try anyway. My unfortunate monthly visitor has arrived and I was at Longs Drugs the other day buying some provisions when I spotted these. There is a reason I do my grocery-shopping online. I am a terrible impulse-buyer. And I have this odd tendency to buy things in bulk (for example, if I see SPAM, I will buy half a dozen of it. I don’t even like SPAM. But SPAM would be probably keep pretty well for a few months just in case I have to barricade myself in my house to keep out the zombies). Anyway. DAMN YOU, TANGENTS! I was at the store and spotted these damned Oreo Cakesters and I just had to buy them along with a 40-pack of o.b.

The Good: They’re really very moist. Tastes just like store-bought chocolate cake. The white cream part tastes just like the white cream part of an Oreo. This is how I usually eat my Oreos: I pry the two pieces apart, I lick the white cream part, then I stick the two pieces back together. My mother saw me doing this once and she thought it was disgusting. I always hated it when the cookie broke. The Cakester does NOT break when you try to pry it apart. It’s moore cooperative. Whatevs. Most importantly, it’s chocolate. Not as chocolatey as I wanted, but it did the trick. I should have bought the chocolate creme variety for comparison purposes. Maybe Nabisco will see this review and send me a free pack.

The Bad: Here’s the nutritional info. But fuck that. What I like about Oreos is the taste. This doesn’t taste like Oreos. They taste more like… you know Chewy Chips Ahoy cookies? Well, whatever the hell they add to make the cookies chewy… that’s what an Oreo Cakester tastes like. It tastes more like cheap store-bought cake than anything. It’s not very chocolatey, either. The most prevalent taste was the white cream part. And it’s too sweet.

ETA: Oh, I just remembered what they taste like. Hostess has these… I don’t remember what the fuck they’re called. Mooncakes? No, that can’t be right. That’s the stuff my Auntie used to serve on New Year’s. Anyway, Cakesters taste just like those except chocolatey (sort of). Moon Pie! They’re called mothafuckin’ Moon Pie!

The Verdict: I should have totally bought some Ding-dongs and Twinkies while I was out shopping for o.b. Oreo Cakester is just not as good as the original. I haven’t tried dunking it in milk, though, but I don’t know if that would improve the taste any. I do like the texture, however. It’s very moist. I think Nabisco would have had a winner if the Cakester actually tasted like Oreos. It’s kinda good, but ultimately unsatisfying. C+ for this one.

I’m gonna go grab me a popsicle and watch homosexual male porn. No, I’m not going to use the popsicle in a perverted manner. I’m going to eat it.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 27th, 2007 at 12:35 pm and is filed under Et Cetera. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

27 Responses to “Shut Your Cakehole”

  1. BevL(QB)
    Posted: Jul 27th, 2007 at 12:44 pm
    1

    Next time you want something that tastes like Oreos, try this…

    JUST BUY THE FUCKING OREOS!!

    Geesh! I should write a goddamn advice column.

    *hands Bam some Peanut M&Ms which will make everything right in her world again*

  2. bam
    Posted: Jul 27th, 2007 at 12:51 pm
    2
    Author Comment

    *hands Bam some Peanut M&Ms which will make everything right in her world again*

    Peanut M&Ms make me happy. I bet they would taste better if I were eating them directly out of Jensen Ackles’ fingers. Which has never ever happened, much to my dismay.

    Speaking of Ackles, he’ll be less than 20 miles from me tomorrow. BUT I’M NOT GONNA GO SEE HIM. That’s one way to keep the crazy at bay (20 miles of distance is enough, I think).

    TANGENT: I wonder how many conversations I can start with “Speaking of Ackles…”

  3. Eva Gale
    Posted: Jul 27th, 2007 at 1:08 pm
    3

    You know what you need? Mallowmars. But they only sell them in tri state NY area, and not in the summer because the dark chocolate melts.

  4. Karen
    Posted: Jul 27th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
    4

    Ackles is only going to be 20 miles away from you and you are NOT going? OMG! I would so be there, probably drooling on the pavement somewhere scaring the poor man to death … but I’d be there.

  5. May
    Posted: Jul 27th, 2007 at 1:58 pm
    5

    I have Oreos. *sticks out tongue at Bam who owes her an email*

    Except I’m not going to eat them because I have cake.

  6. anneD
    Posted: Jul 27th, 2007 at 2:12 pm
    6

    White Chocolate - the european kind - has become my downfall of late. Along with Cabury fruit and nut.

    Oh and I’m glad I’m not the only one watching the homosexual gay porn ;)

  7. romblogreader
    Posted: Jul 27th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
    7

    May I ask from which production company the homosexual male porn hails?

  8. Lorelie
    Posted: Jul 27th, 2007 at 4:32 pm
    8

    Because of this post, I just looked up my favorite snack cake on the internet. And discovered I can order a case of them. This is bad. Very very bad.

  9. fiveandfour
    Posted: Jul 27th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
    9

    I’m gonna go grab me a popsicle and watch homosexual male porn.

    Mmmm, that might go with chocolate at that time of the month even better than salty stuff. Don’t know why I never thought of it before.

    I had the great pleasure of informing some het guys from my office this week about the fact that, yes, there are women who like the homosexual male porn. They were stunned, STUNNED, I tell you and it was hilarious blowing their minds with this basic idea. Meanwhile, I still don’t get why this is a surprise to the same men who are all over the girl on girl action.

  10. Julie
    Posted: Jul 27th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
    10

    Speaking of Ackles and homosexual male porn…

    Nevermind.

  11. Emily Veinglory
    Posted: Jul 27th, 2007 at 5:32 pm
    11

    As opposed to straight gay porn?

    [spots video called ’straight men fucking’]

    Um, never mind.

  12. Ann Bruce
    Posted: Jul 27th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
    12

    Am I the only one here who doesn’t like Oreos?

  13. Emily Veinglory
    Posted: Jul 27th, 2007 at 6:34 pm
    13

    I’m not a big fan. I miss jaffa cakes.

  14. TeddyPig
    Posted: Jul 27th, 2007 at 7:24 pm
    14

    Oh just makes me want a Suzy-Q I miss the banana cream ones they used to have every so often.

  15. bam
    Posted: Jul 27th, 2007 at 9:22 pm
    15
    Author Comment

    I spend most of my days on this site (so extremely NSFW, it’s not even funny). A friend of mine designed it (used to own it).

    *sticks out tongue at Bam who owes her an email*

    I know, May, I know… I have like… what, 2 weeks before the deadline you gave me, right? *grin*

  16. May
    Posted: Jul 28th, 2007 at 5:20 am
    16

    Yup, about two weeks is right. :)

  17. Samantha
    Posted: Jul 28th, 2007 at 7:35 am
    17

    Bam! WTF?!? 20 miles? You have more self-control than me. There would be no keeping the crazy at bay for me - it wouldn`t allow it. Now I want cake and the Ackles :pout:

  18. Teddy Pig
    Posted: Jul 28th, 2007 at 8:12 am
    18

    For those addicted to teh ghey pr0n may suggest some of my favorites?

    The famed Road Trilogy from director Joe Gage

    Kansas City Trucking Company 1976
    El Paso Wrecking Company 1977
    L.A. Tool & Die 1979

    Something a little newer try River Patrol from TitanMen

  19. Ann(ie)
    Posted: Jul 28th, 2007 at 8:53 am
    19

    I don’t like Oreos either, Ann.

  20. Darragha
    Posted: Jul 28th, 2007 at 10:36 am
    20

    I know your address, Bam. You want Sista Darr to send you some PB M&M’s?

    And I am really close to having weight loss surgery (lapband, not bypass) and I will not be able to enjoy the goodness of a deep-friend Twinkie ever again. Maybe that’s a good thing…

  21. bam
    Posted: Jul 28th, 2007 at 11:08 am
    21
    Author Comment

    You want Sista Darr to send you some PB M&M’s?

    Thanks, Darr, but this girl don’t need anymore sweets. My doctor’s been nagging me enough as it is. To wit, “Your father is a diabetic, both your grandmothers were diabetics, two of your aunts are diabetics… am I getting through to you at all?” and I had to respond with, “Ay, naku, doc… hindi ako marunong mag-ingles, eh. Paumanhin naman, hah?”

    I don’t like Oreos either

    Freak.

    Bam! WTF?!? 20 miles? You have more self-control than me.

    My sis is at the con right now. She called me and was all, “what do you want me to get you?” and I was like, “A drop of Jared Padalecki’s sweat and Jensen Ackles’ stray eyelash. Oh, and if you could swing by the Smallville booth and get me Justin Hartley’s autograph, that would be great. Thanks.”

  22. Emily Veinglory
    Posted: Jul 28th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
    22

    Anything by TitanMen is worth a look. Those guys are crazy.

  23. Teddy Pig
    Posted: Jul 28th, 2007 at 2:00 pm
    23

    Emily Dore Alley is this weekend tons of hot Leathermen roaming around semi naked in the streets of SOMA. I’m enjoying the view.

  24. Teddy Pig
    Posted: Jul 28th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
    24

    Iphone is a wonderful thing! I should take pictures.

  25. Samantha
    Posted: Jul 29th, 2007 at 1:45 pm
    25

    Sweat + eyelash = clones! You`ll totally share, right? Right?

  26. Kathleen
    Posted: Jul 30th, 2007 at 8:38 am
    26

    OMG! I totally stock up in case of zombie attack too! That’s why I have so much tuna and canned corn. And a baseball bat.
    But right now I’m riding the red express too and all I want is Cillian Murphy and some Fritos. Maybe Dove dark chocolate. Mmmmm, Cillian.

  27. Elizabeth
    Posted: Sep 24th, 2007 at 9:35 am
    27

    Hopping in way late to tell you that what they do to Chips Ahoy to make them both chewy and hella gross? Ground up raisins. Stupid raisins, stay out of my cookies!

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