Lili Saintcrow (who scares the crap out of me, but I love her anyway) was born in New Mexico and shipped halfway around the world to Britain at a young age, where she imbibed some odd notions about tea, grammar, and manners–not necessarily in that order. She is the author of a few urban fantasy and paranormal romance series, of which the latest are the Dante Valentine books. Her latest book, The Devil’s Right Hand, is due for release September 1. She loves coffee, abhors crowds, and is fond of acting oddly in public.
One random commenter will win a signed copy of The Devil’s Right Hand. Winner to be announced on Friday.
In honor of Richelle Mead’s most excellent post about literacy (or the lack thereof) and proper grammar in romance heroes, I thought I’d share a few thoughts about how life changed once I hit thirty.
Trust me, it’s germane.
I used to date bad boys. Really, a muscle car/motorcycle/sneer/bad attitude was to Yours Truly like honey is to ants. Show me a man who looked like he had an anger-management problem to go with his black leather jacket, and I was hooked. I loved me some bad boys when I was younger. It was like chocolate around That Time Of The Month, I just could not help myself. And neither did I want to.
Then something happened.
I got knocked up.
There’s no romantic way to say it. Had a bun in the oven. Was embarazada. Expecting a visit from the stork.
Life changes when you’re responsible for little people. Life changes even further once you hit your thirties, have two small children and a career, and know enough about yourself to lower your tolerance for bullshit.
I first noticed the change while reading a book that shall remain nameless. The author is a constant guilty pleasure of mine who writes Bad Boys with Hearts of Gold.
Dear gentle Reader, I could not finish the fucking book. I was bored out of my skull. I actually laid the paperback down and started thinking about how much sexier the hero would be if he quit brooding, moping, and being a jackass–and instead, spent some serious time doing the dishes for the heroine. Or making the bed he kept messing up. Or, you know, maybe even washing his own damn clothes.
I’d actually spent a pretty productive half-hour in this vein of thought before it hit me. Good Christ, I was having lurid soapy fantasies about a man who would do the dishes.
Lo, how the irresponsible and wild-living have grown and matured.
Something else hit me too: I make all my heroes clean up in one way or another. For example, you can’t swing a dead plotline in the Watcher books without someone cleaning something. The men do dishes. They do their own laundry. Along with killing monsters, it’s all in a day’s work.
It used to be a man needed a drawl and a smoldering gaze before I’d consider dating him. Now I check for dishpan hands and clothes that look recently laundered. I find men unutterably sexy when they unload my dishwasher or play with the kids and clean up afterward.
Oooh, baby. You want to fold my laundry? Paint the house? Mow the lawn? Take me. I’m yours.
Once I got over the shock, I realized my priorities had (no shit) changed in a big way. Instead of looking for heart-thumping excitement, I’d settle for help with domestic chores. While this may sound like a trip to Boringville, it’s actually anything but. As my friend Nina Merrill often remarks, “Marry a geek. They try harder.”
To which I’d add, geeks marry literacy with willingness to bathe AND clean up, once you show them how. It’s a trifecta.
Doing the dishes not only says I love you. It says, I love you and I’ve thought about what you need instead of what my Little Head needs. I’m paying attention to the house and to you. I’m making your life easier and not being a self-centred pig.
I get excited just thinking about it. And let’s not even talk about a man who can hoover and change the hoover’s bag once in a while. *shivers* Whoa, Nellie. That’s hawt.
It may sound tongue in cheek, but there’s a very real issue here. Once I had kids, I really didn’t have the luxury of putting up with inane, immature idiots I have to clean up after. Shallow (even if volcanic and mindblowing) sex in the back of a mid-60s Mustang is pretty nice, and I might even enjoy it in an action movie. But it’s a funny thing–once a woman gets a little older, boys are just that–boys. And once you know who you are and what you want, you pretty much need a man who doesn’t mind doing a little bit of housework. Otherwise you might as well just have another kid to clean up after.
Nothing says bonerdeath like a pile of dead laundry or rotting dishes.
I’m pretty sure that if men knew what fun a reasonably-bright “older” woman is (because let’s face it, this society is geared toward your twenties, you might not even EXIST afterward according to television and a great chunk of other media) there would probably be a run on rubber gloves and dishwasher detergent in every supermarket across the nation. We Older Ladies are generally more comfortable with our bodies and more forgiving of other people’s flaws. We’re calmer, more centered, and generally have less drama and better communication skills. Some of us even enjoy American football (more of us enjoy real football) or at the very least will smile fondly at your passion for that troglodytic game. We’re mostly ultra-curvy (childbearing hips tend to be) and we smell nice and we know how to kiss your socks off–and straight into the hamper.
Doesn’t that sound awesome? Isn’t that worth a little bit of dishwashing?
Of course, if you want to wash the dishes in your motorcycle jacket and give me a nice bad-boy smile, that’s even better. If you can spell above the fifth-grade level, the sky’s the limit. You fellas can’t have me–I’m already married–but believe me when I say you’ll get more mileage out of Dawn and Mr. Clean than you will out of Trojan and Harley. You can thank me later.
And ladies? Don’t settle for anything less. If he won’t do the dishes, you don’t need his messy ass anyway.
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August 22, 2007 at 7:50 am
Hallelujah! And don’t forget the piles of toys strewn about the floor that you’re bound to trip over as you’re wildly fondling each other.
August 22, 2007 at 7:54 am
What a wonderful post! Maybe I need to have my husband read it as well!!
August 22, 2007 at 8:02 am
Since I am domestically challenged, I too would like a broody, dark and sexy man who knows his way around a pile of dishes and the laundy basket!
Where are these men at? Is there a secret online shopping store for them? I can’t seem to find said perfection of the male species. Maybe I should just settle for a dildo that’s waterproof? THAT’S multi tasking.
August 22, 2007 at 8:02 am
Oh, the injuries I have done myself by stepping on legos…
August 22, 2007 at 8:28 am
Totally with you on this one. I’ve been with my significant other for 11 years today BECAUSE of those very reasons — cooking, cleaning, consideration.
Plus the mind-blowing sex.
August 22, 2007 at 8:39 am
When I was taking a psych course on human emotions at Harvard years and years ago, we read a paper by a couples counselor who said that invariably, those men who started off the marriage by saying that doing the dishes was “women’s work” came back several years later asking, “why don’t my wife and I have sex any more?”
My then-fiancee, now-husband, sat in on the course when I took it. He does dishes AND vacuums.
August 22, 2007 at 9:02 am
“Oh, the injuries I have done myself by stepping on legos…”
Ah, but absolutely nothing is worse than little die-cast airplanes and helicopters.
My husband’s a mixed bag on this. The times when I’ve been out of work, he seems to believe I have a switch that flips to “Stepford”. When I’m working, we achieve about a 60/40 split, though it takes him a lil’ while to shift back into it.
August 22, 2007 at 10:06 am
Helping out in household work is on top of the list of my ‘Mr. Perfect’ (if there is one out there)
August 22, 2007 at 10:06 am
Strangely enough, I hit this point much earlier in life. My dear best friend has not, and I know it sounds so BORING to her to hear me extol the virtues of a man who’s willing to do housework. It’s like, after an 8 hour day + commute, I’m much more likely to be in the mood if when I come home someone’s thought about dinner, done the dishes, cleaned up after themselves, etc., etc. Y’know, how can you have energy for mind-blowing sex if you have to do several hours of cleaning first?
Anyway, Lilith, I love your books. Can’t wait for the next one, and it’s good to know I’m not the only one who crushes on Men Who Clean Up After Their Damn Selves.
August 22, 2007 at 10:55 am
My hubby needs improvement in the cleaning department but he is awesome about helping out with the kids which too me is more important. Add to that the fact that he is a great lover and I am quite satisfied. He is my ideal man.
August 22, 2007 at 11:31 am
;o) I married the strong silent type who loves to roll on the floor playing with his kids~and knows how to load and unload the dishwasher, put up his own laundry and pick up his clothes. Well, mostly. He does have this thing about forgetting his socks by the PC.
But since I’m a messy type, I’m okay with that. He’s the neat freak. I often wonder how he tolerates me. :OP
I’ll say this, sexy to me if s a man who can leave a bathroom clean, who doesn’t expect me to wear makeup just to please him… and a man who loves kids the way my DH loves ours.
August 22, 2007 at 11:58 am
OH boy free Lilith book! And is it not the truth about the tidy men. my own DH is the neat freak which at first I found annoying, but came to realize how amazing a quality it is. Although I still can’t stop myself from rearranging the perfect right angles of his desk top accoutrement from time to time…just to keep him on his toes.
August 22, 2007 at 12:06 pm
hear hear! As the mother of two male children, I have spent the past 15 years trying to drill such basics into their tiny little brains. I won’t call it a total success story, but there is a good chance that any future couplehood will be a good partnership.
August 22, 2007 at 2:21 pm
*nods* I so totally agree. And I too figured it out early in life, of which I am glad. I think I’ll just forward this page to every guy I know, lol.
August 22, 2007 at 2:54 pm
I’m all for this New Age Man, who helps out and can take care of himself too! But does anyone know where to find him?
August 22, 2007 at 3:19 pm
I waited 25-26 years for such a man. They are out there despite what I was told when I was younger by both female and males. I had many lectures that I should date more because I was being too “picky” on asking for an “equal” instead of a boss or manager to “work” for.
As I got married and had kids, I realized that certain books didn’t appeal to me in the romance genre either. A lot of them were historicals with the “alpha males”. I had no patience for the female doing everything while he just looked cool with his sword and waited for a war/battle to use it. I had no patience for the contemporary romances with the alpha males with the submissive girlfriend who didn’t understand that she was to give up everything to serve him while he stood there brooding and *ahem* whining about how he is misunderstood. That is why I wasn’t really seeing characters like Angel from Buffy as sexy. I rarely seen him clean. Weird, but true.
I got a husband who does the cooking. He hates doing dishes as it hurts his back (he is tall enough it isn’t comfortable). I hate cooking. We agreed he does the majority of the cooking and I do the majority of the dishes.
We agreed if we were to get married and live together that to keep me from getting fustrated and killing him, he would have to help out. He does the ironing since I refuse to do them as exact or perfect as he demands. I do the laundry, but he helps put them away. He did diaper duty when the kids were little just as much as I did. He couldn’t do the breastfeeding for obvious reasons, but he did help with the bottle. When you a first time mother who has no clue what to do with a baby and was beyond tired, that was the sexiest he could be at that time. He helps clean and he is just as much a clean nut as I am. He is willing to play with the kid and get messy. Then he even cleans up. That is the total essence of sexy in my opinion.
I think I will pass this on to some husbands who don’t seem to understand why their wife doesn’t think they are sexy for spending money on a car that makes him look hot, but begs for help on the housecleaning or kid duty.
August 22, 2007 at 3:20 pm
Damn. That turned out longer than it looked when I typed. Oops.
August 22, 2007 at 4:25 pm
Great post Lilith, I totally agree!
My husband is such a keeper – he cooks, vaccuums and cleans the shower all without being asked. And yes, he is quite aware of how much this works in his favour!
Now if only I could get him to leave his muddy football boots outside the house we would be living in paradise…
BTW – good to hear we are finally getting the rest of this series, I was starting to despair that Dante wouldn’t ever return!
August 22, 2007 at 8:04 pm
Love the topic – I totally agree!
I married my hubby 32 years ago August 1. I told him years later that I knew after our second date that we would get married (we didn’t get married until two years after we met). LOL! I knew he was a keeper! I thought I was the luckiest girl on earth because my hubby would cook, clean, help with our kids (we have four-they are 27, 26, 26, & 24 now), repair things when they broke, help do laundry, fold laundry & put it away and lots more things. I think it’s so important that couples help each other do the day to day chores and not leave the majority for one to do. My hubby and I like to do a lot of these things together so it doesn’t take as long to do something.
August 22, 2007 at 8:28 pm
For me, I think it would be really sexy to find a guy who did the laundry. (Though I think I’d have to buy all new underwear first!). Doing dishes would be great, too; I’d settle for one or the other. And if he could sew buttons, at least back onto his own clothing, that would be great, too. (That always seemed like a basic survival skill to me, but I’ve met lots of guys who can’t do it).
That was a fun read, thanks!
August 22, 2007 at 9:19 pm
I feel lucky whenever I think of who I could have ended up with had I not met my husband. He does the dishes (because I hate them) and I do the laundry (because he hates doing it) and it works out great for us. I do end up doing most of the cooking, but he kind of ruins things when he tries. He’ll grill in a heartbeat though. Nothing is better to him than getting down on the floor and playing with our little boy. My single friends think my life is kind of boring because I don’t party every night and get drunk. They think I’m tied down by my husband and son, but I love it. What can I say, the bar and one night stand scene never appealed to me. Anywhere I’d like to go I’d rather have him along as company. I think those who sneer at men who have these “boring” qualities will end up wishing for them in the long run. Cleaning up after a man and catering to his moods gets old after a while.
Love your books Lilith! I’m glad to see another one is almost here.
August 23, 2007 at 3:05 am
Amen sisters!
Shiloh,
Ditto here! It’s kinda annoying when your neatnik gets frustrated because you don’t to chores up to his standard.. but a neatnik is better than a slob, IMHO!
August 23, 2007 at 5:49 am
You already know I love you Lili, but this demonstrates why all over again.
August 23, 2007 at 6:31 am
Heehee!! Anything I’ve sewn looks like it was done by monkeys. The husband is the rescuer of buttons and hems and drawstrings. I even once made him fix a seam in my dress when we were headed to a ball.
August 23, 2007 at 7:21 am
Enjoyed the post and I agree that the ideal man would be one that helped with housework such as doing dishes and laundry without being asked. When my dad was still alive he was the ideal man for doing household chores. I think he actually enjoyed it and wish I could find one like him.
August 23, 2007 at 9:57 am
I guess I got lucky… mine cooks, cleans and does Laundry…..now if I could get him to give me a proper massage… (big sigh)…… Love this post..
August 23, 2007 at 11:30 am
I’ve had a ball reading everyone’s comments. Lilith, having re-read your post I can’t get over how it’s really spot on.
Mmmm…massage. Well, I really can’t complain; I’ve tried to get the hubster to give me massages but I’ll have to settle for him cleaning up after himself, doing dishes, tromping up and down the stairs when I’ve forgotten something and don’t feel like doing it myself, and providing excellent child care. The fantastic sex doesn’t hurt either. But I might have to send him to a few massage therapy classes. We can always strive for perfection. Well, for him. He loves me with all the flaws!
August 23, 2007 at 4:36 pm
As my friend Nina Merrill often remarks, “Marry a geek. They try harder.”
My Dad did nothing around the house. Mom said, “they don’t change.” It was enough to scare her daughters. In our family we say, “Marry a dork…they make the best husbands.”
August 23, 2007 at 6:11 pm
When our kids were little, and even earlier in our marriage, we didn’t really have the dynamics worked out right. Well, I did the stuff inside the house, and he did the stuff outside the house, and that was back when he did all the car work. But now, 33 years into this, we have things worked out pretty well. Our kids are grown and gone, and I don’t have to cook any more. He loves to cook and he’s really good at it. I wash the dishes. When he realized that I hated doing laundry, he started doing his own, and I do mine.
But the best part is if I work late, I can smell dinner when I get home. Sometimes I stay late grading papers just so I can walk in and sit down and eat. I take food to school for my friends, and everyone wants to borrow him (but sadly for him, only to cook). He still has trouble remembering to put the broom away after he sweeps, but, hey! he sweeps. When I compare him to some of the husbands of my friends, or God! even worse, my brothers-in-law, things look pretty okay.
August 24, 2007 at 7:19 am
LOL. Love this post! I got lucky with a HAWT man who cooks(really well), cleans, and even sews(yes, ladies, sews!) Oh, the ultimate thing about him, he is a FANTASTIC dad! They are out there so I agree with Lilith, dont settle for less.
August 24, 2007 at 9:07 pm
Ohhh, Lilith! You’re touching on my mid-life crisis topic. This is the one that keeps me up at night. Sigh. I’m not sure I’m making the right choices with it…damn you and your compelling logic!
August 28, 2007 at 5:54 pm
Amen! And Amen again.
Mine is kinda messy. He doesn’t see it. But when he notices he does try to pick up. And he washes dishes. And does laundry. And is great with the kids. And never complained once during my crazy year while I carried on a full grad course load and banged out three versions of the same novel and was hardly ever seen around the house.
And he has a butt to die for. So I’ll live with the messiness.