… or a genius (have you read her books?). You decide. Oh, and if you leave a comment, you may win an ARC of Demon Night. Sure, you won’t get for, like, 2 months or something… but that’s still, like, 3 months before anyone else does. And believe me, you’d want one.
In this post, you’ll notice Meljean talks to herself a lot. A lot. She also likes italics.
Hi, I’m Meljean Brook. I’m not really a romance writer — I just play one in the blogosphere. So when bam asked me to guest blog [ed. note: Let the records show that I've been asking for months] , I had a moment of panic. You see, she’s had all of these great guests, with fantastic, funny, and often helpful posts. Authors who give great advice about writing. Authors with fantastic insight into their particular market, or their books, or life in general.
So I thought to myself: Self, you have to be insightful. You have to help people for once, instead of lazing around your own blog, writing posts that pretty much have nothing to do with anything except how dorky you are.
But then I was struck by a debilitating bout of self-doubt. Self, I said to myself, what have you to offer bam’s readers? What can you bring to her blog that is any different than what has come before? Your one accomplishment in life has been reading thousands of romances (and writing about five of them, big whoop.) What have you learned from that?
And so I created a list of everything I knew about romance, with the intention of finally, FINALLY giving back a little of what I have been given. At first, I thought I would be different from her other guests by varying the format, and offering my findings through an interpretive dance routine. The crook of my big toe would be the angst of a thousand tormented heroes — the bend of my elbow a Regency-era cross-dressing heroine’s lament when she finds her daddy has gambled away her virtue to the duke (who is also a spy) — a pirouette the soaring moment of sensual perfection that is attained when worlds crash with the fiery cries of purple prose and shattered bodies and wet, screaming orgasms.
But I got a cramp.
Therefore I have compiled the wisdom of the ages into a video, designed to help those who are attempting to write their first romance novel. For the introductory price of $9.99 (or your soul, whatever you’d like to pay) you have Meljean Brook’s Five Easy Steps To Writing a Romance Novel.
(You will notice that none of the steps includes plot. My dear friends and fellow writers, that is because, before I wrote romance, I wrote fan fiction. Therefore, I say to you: Plot? What Plot?)
Meljean Brook is definitely certifiable… certiably adorable! If you follow her fool-proof plan and manage to land on the New York Times Best-Seller List, don’t forget to thank Meljean. Oh, and me. For putting up this blog post. And I prefer to receive my thanks via Paypal.
P.S. If you enjoyed Meljean’s video, you might also get a kick out of this one. If you didn’t like Meljean’s video, watch this to make yourself feel better.
Last 5 posts by bam
- Review: The Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin - December 21st, 2012
- Review: The Ugly Duchess by Eloisa James - September 17th, 2012
- Review: Kindred by Octavia Butler - September 6th, 2012
- Review: Dark Places by Gillian Flynn - August 13th, 2012
- Review: If Tomorrow Comes by Sidney Sheldon - August 8th, 2012
September 23, 2007 at 10:17 pm
That was HILARIOUS! I defy anyone to watch that without laughing so hard, milk spurts out of their (respective) noses. Not that I know from personal experience, or anything… *coughs* Now where’s that damn washcloth?
September 23, 2007 at 10:23 pm
Okay, damn it! This is my third attempt to try and say something witty, but words escape me. Funny video. Extremely entertaining. No milk out my nose, but a hearty laugh and deep appreciation for cleverness nonetheless.
September 23, 2007 at 10:43 pm
The best you tube video I’ve ever seen. My favorite part? the shameless plug. Meljean you are hellafunny!
Mardel
September 23, 2007 at 11:01 pm
bonus points for using “hella”. Rock on, true?
September 23, 2007 at 11:25 pm
I had to find the right weenie. I was going to use the picture I had as reference for my hero in Demon Night, but it was so big that it kept making Windows Movie Maker explode.
So it took me a long time to find something that was big enough, yet that the movie editor could still handle.
September 23, 2007 at 11:43 pm
catie — sorry about your nose. The strange thing is, I was just talking to my daughter about squirting milk out of her nose (she was deliberately trying to do it) only two hours before bam posted this. Is it fate? Are the Powers That Be (Whoever They May Be) telling me to get a cookie? I think so.
Rosie — that’s the story of my life … three times to think of something witty, then I give up (okay, then I grab a comic book and sob into it’s four-color pages, begging Superman and Batman to give me strength, and wisdom, and wit — and if that doesn’t work, at least a Super-Bat-threesome).
Of course, as soon as I hit submit, I’ll be like, “Oh! That’s what I should have said, dammit!!” Sigh. It’s the wisdom of the staircase at work.
Mardel — “the shameless plug” should probably be Step Six: Never Miss An Opportunity to Promote Thyself
September 24, 2007 at 1:48 am
Start again.
I laughed so hard, milk spurted out of my boobs. But then I am lactating. (TMI?)
Funny, funny, funny Meljean.
September 24, 2007 at 1:50 am
Pachelbel’s Canon is played in the most solemn moments at weddings. And now, every time I hear it, I’ll have to stop myself cracking up at the thought of two tree trunks having sex.
(I wasn’t going to enter any more comps for a while after I won the Boundless hero one; however, for an arc of Demon Night I would do all sorts of shameful things. And I slipped in that semi-colon just for Meljean.)
September 24, 2007 at 2:23 am
Very hilarious. Ok, I thought I was done having fun until the credits. WHERE’S THE SEQUEL?
September 24, 2007 at 3:10 am
thanks for making me smile during an otherwise trying day. i have to say that when you showed the picket fence with the house i had to think for a moment if the pointy pink plants meant penis. and i love the princess bride, too.
September 24, 2007 at 3:28 am
Good lord – this was hilariously cute. I cracked up as soon as I saw the bald head. And it’s true about the hot dog, I’m afraid.
I need to apply Meljean’s wisdom to my current novel.
September 24, 2007 at 3:37 am
So funny! Meljean, when are we going to get some more Missy on your blog? I love those posts!
September 24, 2007 at 3:59 am
Love that Meljean, yes I do. An ARC of Demon Night, you say…. Be still my heart. Thanks for the very informative video. I didn’t realize that trees could take it so rough.
September 24, 2007 at 4:07 am
Jeezus, this is nothing but torture! I can’t watch YouTube videos at work, so all I’m seeing is a big blank space while everyone else talks about teh funnay.
Oh and Meljean? Colin was totally my romance novel crush for the year.
September 24, 2007 at 4:57 am
That was freakin hilarious!!! }:)
September 24, 2007 at 5:00 am
I love it! Will you do the edits of my vids?
September 24, 2007 at 5:08 am
Wahahahah, that was hilarious!! You’re so funny, Meljean.
An ARC of Demon Night… Well, I would sure like that!
September 24, 2007 at 5:19 am
How sad am I? When I saw Westley and Buttercup kissing, I actually said “ooh!” out loud. Funny shit.
September 24, 2007 at 6:03 am
That was awesome, Meljean! I started laughing at the bald head and I never stopped! I liked your shameless plug especially. To get my hands on an arc of Demon Night I have no problem being utterly shameless myself!
September 24, 2007 at 6:27 am
hahaha! That video is priceless!! Thanks for the morning laugh.
Hot cover on Demon Night. That’s one that needs to stand face out on my bookshelf so I can just keep looking at him. lol
September 24, 2007 at 6:45 am
Love the video. It cheered me up.
September 24, 2007 at 6:57 am
Oh my God — that was PRICELESS!!!
September 24, 2007 at 8:00 am
Loved the post! The video was hysterical. I had to clamp both hands over my mouth and nose to keep from howling with laughter. As a result, I’ve acquired a lovely blue tint to my face and my side now hurts.
I love your books and hope to win an ARC
September 24, 2007 at 8:25 am
LMFAO. The music set the mood perfectly!
And that was some long weenie!
Aw Conan and his rippling muscles and the looong sword of his.
Meljean, you are a pip!
September 24, 2007 at 8:28 am
PS- I am so scared of trees…. *mommy*
September 24, 2007 at 9:20 am
As soon as I heard Canon in d major I was giggling… by the time I got to Step 4 1/2 I was definitely laughing out loud, especially for the shameless plug! You crack me up!
September 24, 2007 at 9:31 am
Ok, the glimpse of the dance routine had me breathless. I mourn your cramping.
Great stuff and thanks.
September 24, 2007 at 9:40 am
How funny! I too had to cover my mouth, but I was laughing so hard I’m sure they heard me through out the office!
September 24, 2007 at 10:10 am
Wow, I feel completely capable of writing my own book now – that’s the best writing advice I’ve ever seen. It’s sooo good to know I don’t have to worry about plot since everything I can think of is along the lines of “…and then the monkey snuck onto the space shuttle and funny things happened”.
My only worry is what that mustard could possibly be a metaphor for on that extra-long weiner. (It’s slightly less worrisome thinking about the ketchup and mustard combo on the regular version, though I can’t explain why.)
September 24, 2007 at 10:18 am
“Unhhhh!”
So that’s what I’m missing… (randomly adds “Unhhhh!” to every sex scene in manuscript) Oh yeah, baby. That’s the ticket for the gravy train!
September 24, 2007 at 10:19 am
Fiveandfour, I thought that was cheese on the super-extra-giant weiner. That worries me even more. So I hope you’re right.
I also enjoyed the look on the man’s face who possessed that super-extra-giant weiner. Talk about proud.
September 24, 2007 at 10:43 am
Tumperkin — I’ve been there, and squirted the milk. And there’s no such thing as TMI when it comes to boobies, methinks.
Kat — I just love that it swells right in time for the sex part — that wasn’t planned (I’m not cool, just lucky). And those trees? Wild, I tell you. Wild.
Dara — Hmm, a sequel … the next five points. There’s promo … I guess plot might finally fit in there … but the real question is: what song would I use?
Larissa — lol! pointy pink penis! no, I wasn’t thinking that, but if it fits …
Hope you’re having a better day! I’m crossing my fingers that now the edits are done and my proposal is almost conquered, Missy will be talking RtS very, very soon, hee. I’ve got her through chapter one, and her eyes will never be back in her head again.
Jill — just remember what bam said. If you hit the NYT, I want credit!
Jennifer — oooo ooooh! see note above to Larissa! I’ve got Missy reading her book … I’ve just been too swamped with stuff to get all the way through the chapters we’re previewing. But, my load has lessened up, so it’ll be soon.
….okay, off to get the tot from pre-school, and I’m back later this afternoon! Thanks to everyone for posting so far.
September 24, 2007 at 11:14 am
I thought that was cheese on the super-extra-giant weiner. That worries me even more.
Yeah, that worries me more, too. Thinking about cheese and mustard on hotdogs..the jokes are now crammed in my brain so tight I might face a metaphor explosion (metaphorical explosion?) soon.
September 24, 2007 at 12:02 pm
That was absolutely hilarious! I especially enjoyed the credits!
September 24, 2007 at 12:39 pm
Meljean Brook: Geeking for the greater good.
VERY nice!
September 24, 2007 at 1:23 pm
After a longish absence, that was just the thing I needed today. Thanks Meljean!
September 24, 2007 at 1:29 pm
Fabulous!! Almost as clever and smart as your books. You rock, babe.
September 24, 2007 at 1:41 pm
That was sooooo funny! An ARC of Demon Night?!?!? OMG!!! Can I trade my firstborn for one?
September 24, 2007 at 1:46 pm
Argh! I can’t watch the video because I’m on my parent’s desktop and it’s a dial-up connection. Dammit. I’d have to go get my laptop, then turn it on, try to get online..and I’m just too lazy right now, lol.
Anyhoo! (Er..I don’t know what made me say that) I totally agree, sometimes I think of something witty to say waaaay after I wanted to which is just annoying.
Hella? Dude, that’s so Cartman from South Park!
September 24, 2007 at 1:56 pm
Oh, dear lordy. Am I drummed out of the Cool Chicks Read Romance club because I recognized Step by Step long before the credits rolled? I was twelve–it was a sickness. Do not hate me for my youthful indiscretions!
And did anyone EVER find the Governator hot? Was he someone else’s youthful indiscretion?
September 24, 2007 at 3:54 pm
Meljean that was awesome. I must say I’m a little disappointed that there’ll be no interpretive dance however!
And call me childish, but I just can’t stop giggling at the picture of those trees. Beautiful work.
September 24, 2007 at 4:13 pm
that was great and hilarious Meljean
LOL, I’m sure this was different and not done before 
and how did you find that pic with the trees?
September 24, 2007 at 4:22 pm
Dionne, you got it right on the first one… certifiable. But she is cute.
Gee, Meljean… if you’re feeling any love and you’d like to send me an E-ARC…
You know my email addy, right?
September 24, 2007 at 4:58 pm
Hi Meljean!!! Great to come by to say a big hello!! One thing I wanted to say about your books, is I love the rich, in depth and absorbing read they are! When I saw book two, I was totally excited knowing I was in for another great read! I love all length, the books tell the story! But I know too alot have up to a certain length, but I was surprised (and thrilled) with yours! Did you have to cut anything with these first three books out? Did you save the scenes? Will you share some day them if so?
Keep what you’re doing, its great!
September 24, 2007 at 5:08 pm
PS, I can’t get the video to work on my laptop! I’m gonna try hubby’s computer when he gets home! I can’t wait to see it!!
September 24, 2007 at 5:19 pm
I was having the shittiest day due to my arrogant fat bald and sexist boss as well as not being able to find a good new romance/erotica books at Barnes and Nobles (they just don’t write fast enough for me..booo…) UNTIL I click on this blog through Jaci Burton’s blog. Thank you soooo much for making the end of this shitty day great and full of laugh!
September 24, 2007 at 6:24 pm
I have read one of your stories in an anthology and had to go and purchase the rest. Need to find time to read them now though lol
September 24, 2007 at 7:05 pm
Hot Dog!!!
September 24, 2007 at 7:35 pm
OMGosh, I have the hiccups so bad! (I just got to see the video on hubby’s computer ). Oh foot long hot dogs! And loved ruled number 4 and 1/2 LOL.
This is priceless!
Gonna try bread now, water isn’t working to get rid of the hiccups.
September 24, 2007 at 7:40 pm
Finally back! And, woot! so many comments!
I will go backwards.
Sherry — I actually have a character in Demon Night who says that. He’s a sidekick, so he can’t swear. It was either that or ‘Great Scott!’
Pamk — Thank you! I hope you enjoy them … and you will need to free up a LOT of time, lol! Short, they are not.
natty — I’m glad it livened up your shitty day. I’m sorry to hear about the asshole boss (I’ve had a few of those, but I guess I’m my own asshole boss now). Maybe his hot dog is too little? Or no one wants to eat it. If so, serves him right.
Cathie — *happy dance*! I’ve been so fortunate that my editor hasn’t forced me to cut out too many scenes (although believe me, we’ve tried! We look for anything to cut down the page count without taking out an essential part of the romance/plot, and there’s just not much). There are, however, a few scenes that I took out of Demon Moon that I’ve been dying to work into a free novella on my site (featuring, primarily, Colin and Savi, but including almost everyone else, too) … but, I have to wait until I get a few free minutes to work it in there. I’m hoping that it’ll fit in right after Demon Night.
Shiloh — look in your e-mail
Nath — I actually looked it up for another reason about a month ago; I googled “tree sex” and there it was! I couldn’t NOT re-use it, though … it’s too freaking funny.
September 24, 2007 at 7:56 pm
Cathie — try a spoonful of sugar! It works for me (almost) every time.
Josie — if you are childish, then I think I must be infantile *grin*. I’m really, really, REALLY easily amused, you can probably tell. And the dance? I should practice my pirouetting without all of the orgasming. That’s probably what caused the cramp, darnit.
Kimberly Anne — ROFL! If you are drummed out of the cool chicks club for recognizing it, then what does it say that I looked for it and used it? I’m beyond uncool … we’ll have to sit together at the uncool table, and swap NKOTB stories.
As for the Governator — I love his movies, but find him hot? Definitely not.
Wendy:
My parents still have dialup, too! Every time I go to their house, I want to tear my hair out because it’s … so … slow … and … I … tell … them … to … get … broadband … but they never do! Grrr. If they’d listen to me, they’d be much happier — because I would be. *g*
September 24, 2007 at 8:03 pm
Christy H — you might have to ask whoever wins it, because, oh my gosh, I have a firstborn and I can barely handle her! *g*
…wait, wait! — on the other hand, does your firstborn do dishes?
HelenKay — you say the sweetest things. *flutters lashes*
shuzluva — glad I could be of service!
And welcome back!
RfP — I think in this particular instance, it’s more “dorking” than “geeking” (but I wouldn’t want to hurt bam’s feelings by contradicting her). But it IS for the greater good! The world will be a better place, thanks to these five steps. Hunger and poverty, wiped away beneath the force of the giant weenie!
September 24, 2007 at 8:16 pm
fiveandfour and Ann — what worries me is the tiny container of ketchup he has beneath the giant hot dog. Does he think he’s going to be able to dip it into that tiny little ketchup well? Dude, it WON’T FIT!!
And I love his expression, too — priceless.
Kerry — one good “Unnnnnhhhh!” will make any sex scene Rock. So. Freaking. Hard. It’s like the Billy Bob Thornton of sexy dialogue — it doesn’t matter what scene it’s in, you know it’s going to be the Best Scene Evah!
Jambrea — hee, I hope no one looked over your shoulder at an inopportune moment! The tree pic, you can always be innocent and say, “it’s a tree!” but the doggy is probably a little NSFW. Maybe too late for a disclaimer?
Jennifer — I mourn the cramp, as well. My contortions were like the songs of angels! I wish all could have seen. *sob*
Christine — lol, glad I could crack you up! I love Canon in D Major — unfortunately, thanks to this, I’ll probably associate hot dogs with it. The sacrifices I make for art, I tell ya!
September 24, 2007 at 8:31 pm
katiebabs — a pip? A pip? LOL! A gun, a sword … they all pale as phallic symbols next to the giant weenie (and the tree, hee).
Ilona Andrews loves my books. *dies*
*gets up, stares at Magic Bites, stroking the cover*
Jackie — hee hee. It was too fun.
Crystal — *happy dance* I’m glad it helped!
Kim — I love that cover, too. I might make a request to my editor to just use that guy for every one, even though the hero changes each book. Because he’s purty. *strokes screen* So, so purty.
kardis — shameless definitely has no place on bam’s site!
Carrie Lofty — lol! I do that every time I see any version of P&P, Batman and Wonder Woman, the X-Files, Buffy and Angel, Buffy and Spike (I’m easy), Madmartigan and Sorcha, and Westley and Buttercup. *happy sigh all around*
Stefanie D — hee hee, I’m glad you liked it! It was a blast to create. Even in the middle of time crunches and deadlines, this job is far too much fun.
Jane — if I get a sneak peek at the Lego love scene
The truth is, Windows Movie Maker almost made me tear my hair out. It works okay at first, then after a while locks up every couple of minutes. I tried to use the Adobe editor on YouTube, because the interface looks so nice, but I couldn’t figure out how to upload the music/photos. Grr. (Um, not that I was very patient.) Next time, though, I think I’ll take a little more effort to figure it out. The product isn’t all that bad with WMM (and would be better if someone spent more time than I did) but I just get too frustrated to play with it much. I did make a book trailer, once upon a time. I have since deleted it, but it had the same problems — rushing through to finish it to avoid the lockups (okay, and it was also really dumb).
September 24, 2007 at 8:38 pm
Bonnie — *grin* Thank you!
Lorelie — oh, man … there’s nothing Colin would like hearing more than that (okay, actually me, but because I’ve got an itty-bitty writer’s ego, not his vanity.) He’s such an ass! but so much fun at the same time.
September 24, 2007 at 8:48 pm
Lisabea said:
Trees are dirty, dirty things. I live in Oregon, surrounded by trees, and they’re always moaning and shedding their needles and leaves. They’re shameless!
…and I really like to go walking through the woods.
September 24, 2007 at 9:09 pm
Oooooooh! Now I know why my last project didn’t sell! The hero’s hot dog had no mustard! And the heroine had a big ol’ sloppy kitty that answered to Harry.
Thanks, Meljean, for the pointers! (and the laughs…)
September 24, 2007 at 11:58 pm
Meljean, you’re my new hero. Well, you’re on the list (alpha, by first name). See:
Bettie’s Heroes…
45) Marie Curie – lasting contributions to science
46) Meljean Brook – cracks me the hell up
47) New York Attorney General’s Office – broke that crooked student loan scam wide open
48) Oprah…
September 25, 2007 at 3:44 am
Oh, wow. I just found something lovely in my email box. Why, thank you, Mel!
September 25, 2007 at 4:45 am
That was friggin’ hilarious Ms. Brook! That summed up pretty much every romance ever.
September 25, 2007 at 5:31 am
Goodness! Thanks for the laugh! Great video! Look forward to reading Demon Night!
September 25, 2007 at 5:48 am
Meljean- I didn’t mean “pip” in that way from that novel I read about the opera. Oh my… I guess I should have said you are a star with a great weenie!
Hot dogs and trees and dog humping oh my…
I really want to post this video on my My Space page. Hee hee…
September 25, 2007 at 6:16 am
Meljean~
I absolutely loved your video!
Lori
September 25, 2007 at 6:22 am
Not only did I literally laugh out loud—I laughed until tears came.
Brilliant!
September 25, 2007 at 2:49 pm
OMG Meljean that was absolutely hysterical !!!
Billie Jo *still laughing*
September 25, 2007 at 3:46 pm
You are a goddess, Meljean. A true, creative goddess.
September 25, 2007 at 4:45 pm
LOL
You do realize that if you wanted to count on collecting your $9.99 for that amazing lesson, you shouldn’t have let us watch it without paying *g*
just saying …
September 25, 2007 at 8:11 pm
My soul is somewhat shriveled and has been bartered many times.
Is it still viable payment?
September 26, 2007 at 8:05 am
I love the cover! I think it’s my fav of the series. I can’t wait to read this book.
September 26, 2007 at 9:06 am
I tried to use the Adobe editor on YouTube, because the interface looks so nice, but I couldn’t figure out how to upload the music/photos.
You have to upload the videos/photos to YouTube first, I believe. and it doesn’t allow music editing yet. So in sum, Adobe’s editor on Youtube is a nice idea but sucks.
I use WMM too.
September 26, 2007 at 9:13 am
Oh dear, coffee all over computer screen. This was hysterical and a great way to start off my morning!
September 26, 2007 at 5:23 pm
Fantastic video… just what I needed to cap off my evening of procrastination! I especially loved the description of the heroine- very funny. Also liked the description of the paranormal romance- also very funny and very true
Shameless self-promotion is a wonderful thing! It doesn’t hurt anyone and everyone needs it (except maybe La Nora)
September 26, 2007 at 6:52 pm
I nearly peed my pants laughing when I watched that video, which was difficult since I was in class.
October 15, 2007 at 6:17 am
Hilarious! Love it!!! =)