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It’s Called a Security Chain…

[fake blurb alert]
Terry Randall is nursing a heartbreak. Because of his long, grueling hours as a marketing executive for Banana Republic, his lover of ten years Fernando decided he has had enough of Terry’s neglect and booked it for Miami to become a tennis instructor. Now Terry finds himself sitting alone every night in his Restoration Hardware-decorated home, fondling his argyle sweaters and ecru khakis, and crying into a glass of Merlot. Fernando had been his light, his love, his reason for living… and now he’s gone… and he’d taken Terry’s favorite chenille robe with him. The harlot… Terry would have been content spending the rest of his existence watching reruns of Queer as Folk while embalming his insides with bottles of absolutely fabyooooolous Pinot Grigot… until Luanne and her daughter moved in.

Luanne Bixby is finally learning to stand on her own two feet. After a seven-year loveless relationship with a man who’d only married her because he got her pregnant, Luanne is ready to break out and have fun… which would have been a lot easier if she didn’t have a six-year-old daughter who suffers from an embarrassing tendency to run up to strange men, wrap her arms around their legs, and refuse to let go. Luanne has had to resort to injecting the poor dear with Ketamine in the neck. And then there was that absolutely horrendous pepper spray incident… According to Janey’s therapist, Janey is only acting out because she is in need of a father’s love and men aren’t exactly falling all over themselves in a rush to volunteer for the job. Luanne hopes this move to a fashionable apartment building in Austin would be just the thing to launch her new life with Janey…

Terry has never been fond of children, but the little tow-headed girl down the hall… “OH MY GOD, YOU LITTLE SHIT, GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS ‘DRY CLEAN ONLY’?!?! DO YOU?!?! THESE PANTS WERE IMPORTED FROM FRANCE! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE FRANCE IS?!?! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!”

Props to my homie Amber for sending me this cover.

This entry was posted on Monday, November 19th, 2007 at 11:06 am and is filed under Covers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

11 Responses to “It’s Called a Security Chain…”

  1. Ann Bruce
    Posted: Nov 19th, 2007 at 12:54 pm
    1

    Why are you dissing Banana Republic? Do you see men with hair that bad in BR?

    And I think that little girl is wearing Crocs! Oh, the horror.

  2. Ann Aguirre
    Posted: Nov 19th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
    2

    It looks like he’s teabagging her arm. Ew.

  3. Helen
    Posted: Nov 19th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
    3

    I looove this cover. The guy looks like he’s trying to mask deep, soul-killing discomfort with banal laughter, and the woman looks like she’s thinking, ‘Maybe this one will ask me for a date! My first date in six years! Oh, God, please let him be the one!’

  4. shuzluva
    Posted: Nov 19th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
    4

    That chick is smiling so hard it looks like her face is about to crack. Please, watch my kid for an hour before I end up in jail!

    Ann B., I’ll have you know that Crocs are adorable on children under the age of 5. Beyond 5…major fashion faux pas.

  5. Helen M
    Posted: Nov 19th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
    5

    Terry’s favorite chenille robe ? Fernando, you swine! The second or third favourite may, may have been forgivable, but his very favourite? How very dare you!

    Also, maybe it’s just my laptop’s screen, but to me it looks the child on the cover was a boy in the original, and then they decided to make him a girl so put extra hair in, but couldn’t quit match the colour.

    Her hair is pastede on yay?

    Oh, I’ve missed your cover snark (in both fake blurb or out and out wtf-ing forms), Bam.

  6. kate r
    Posted: Nov 19th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
    6

    I like your interpretation better than the obvious pedophilia I see in that picture. Ew.

  7. Jaime
    Posted: Nov 19th, 2007 at 7:25 pm
    7

    teabagging her arm??!!??? Ick, eewwww, uuggghhh, oh sweet cheese and rice!!! I think that will stick with me for the rest of my life!!! It doesn’t matter if it is true and that is what it looks like…..I am on the floor dying…Yeah, I know, get over it!! =] Peace.

  8. Bettie
    Posted: Nov 19th, 2007 at 7:38 pm
    8

    Awkwaaaaard!
    I get a case of nervous laughter just looking at that thing.

    “Haaa….ha-heh. Little Katie’s low self esteem and paternal abandonment issues will one day land her a verbally abusive older ‘boyfriend’ with untamed back hair and a case of the clap. Haaa. Isn’t she just adorable? Haaa-aaa…hmm.”
    ___________________________________
    Yay, Bam! Even though my brain will be forever scarred with the memory of this disturbing cover, and even though my eyes have been soiled by the phrase “teabagging her arm,” I’m so happy you’re doing cover snark again. :o )

  9. Ann Bruce
    Posted: Nov 19th, 2007 at 10:32 pm
    9

    Ann A.–I thought about it…but you actually put it into words. You know I won’t be able to drink tea for the next four weeks.

    Shuzluva–I’ve seen entire families wearing Crocs and it made me wonder why the fashion police didn’t swarm them. And Crocs are wrong at any age. Do you want your child to be ridiculed in pre-school and scarred for life? Kids are brutally honest until they mature and learn that society prefers polite falsehoods to the truth. I, according to some of my co-workers, have not matured to that level–and yet these people keep asking me for my opinion.

  10. December/Stacia
    Posted: Nov 20th, 2007 at 9:02 am
    10

    Yep, the Mom has a definite, “Oh hee hee, I keep telling her not to do this sort of thing isn’t it cute ha ha ha” look on her face, while she secretly plans to slip the kid a fiver as soon as the guy’s out of sight.

  11. shuzluva
    Posted: Nov 20th, 2007 at 9:04 am
    11

    I, according to some of my co-workers, have not matured to that level–and yet these people keep asking me for my opinion.

    YAY! Don’t mature. I adore painful honesty. But people have actually stopped asking for my opinion…

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