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Meljean Brook and the Best Story Ever

Hello, children. Meljean has picked out the winners of her contest who, consequently, will receive copies of Demon Night. AWESOME. Those winners are: SweetNSourGirl AND Kaitlin. Girlfriends, email me your info and the beautiful Meljean will send you your goodies.

***

This is the reason why I love Meljean Brook more than I will ever love Brandon Routh AND Tom Welling. And possibly Clive Owen. But NOT Christian Bale. Or Cillian Murphy. Or the bite-sized blond guy from Supernatural.

____________________

The last time I was here, I made a little video called “Meljean’s Five Steps to Writing a Romance Novel.” With references to giant penises, doggy-style tree sex, The Princess Bride, and Batman, the video seemed to fit nicely into Bam’s blog. [Bam: It was the height of brilliant absurdity.]

My, how things have changed since then! Now there are great stories coming on a weekly basis, chapter by chapter. So when Bam invited me back, I had one thought in my head: Well, crap! How am I supposed to live up to that?

Then I got to thinking. Why are we — the readers of Bam’s blog —always made to beg for more? A part of me thinks Bam likes it that way. [Bam: Yes, I am an evol sadist. There, I admit it.]

Well, I’m here to stop that nonsense. Begging? Pshaw. That’s for the plebian losers who lived way back in medieval times, digging crusty bread out of the rushes or whatever the hell they put on their floors.

We’re in the twenty-first century, and we have carpet (or bamboo flooring that is environmentally friendly but with the durability and beauty of hardwood)! Doesn’t that account for something?

We demand instant gratification! We deserve instant gratification!

One chapter at a time? Ha! We deserve better!

So, my dear friends and fellow Bam-blog-readers, I give you this: a whole story. But not just any story — it must also be great, like the stories Darragha and Bettie have been posting. So, in honor of the recent Valentine’s Day holiday, and also because it is inarguably the highest form of writing, my story will be told…

… through poetry.

THE RAKE AND THE VIRGIN NINJA

Angelica was a beautiful, fiery miss
Still yearning for her very first kiss
But despite her violet eyes
And her white creamy thighs
She was ignorant of physical bliss

Enter the hero, Lord Chestmaster, dark and tall
Who saw her being all fiery at a London ball
With an erect rod in his breeches
He said, “It will be I who teaches
Her to take me on the bed, the floor, and the wall.”

He strode toward her with a masterful stride.
She saw him approach, but she could not hide.
With a lift of his arrogant brow,
He demanded, “Come with me now.”
And the double entendre he forcefully applied.

Angelica replied, with fiery tone and tossing hair,
“You will never have me, Chestmaster, I swear!
My father has made no bet,
My brother isn’t in debt,
And you will damage my reputation beyond repair!”

But even as she spoke those words, Angelica knew
That not a single one of them was even close to true
For her nethers were hot
And her nipples both taut
And the real threat to her status was her love of ninjitsu.

For a respectable young lady was not supposed to kill;
She learned needlepoint and how to dance a quadrille.
But who needed to dance
When at war with France?
So she dispatched the enemy with deadly, shadowy skill.

Pride stung by rejection, Chestmaster left to play whist.
Angelica changed into a black dress and melted to mist.
And as he threw down a card,
Thinking of her (and still hard)
She showed a snail-gobbling spy the Way of the Fist!

But somehow, the frog got in a lucky strike of a blade,
Angelica’s fiery blood poured out, and her life began to fade.
She stumbled and fell on her face,
But Chestmaster rode by that place,
And he realized that when her wounds healed, he’d surely get laid.

So he took her to his family home, a long way away. (Like, in Dorset.)
And by the time they got there, he’d gotten her out of her corset.
Though her mouth said, “no” you can guess,
That her body was saying, “Yes, yes, yes!”
And he knew if gentle seduction didn’t work, then he could force it.

So with bandages wrapping her bleeding wounds, she went to his bed.
With a mighty declaration of love, Chestmaster took her maidenhead.
They went at it for many nights,
With orgasms and exploding lights.
Then Angelica wept, certain he’d never accept the double life she led.

But Chestmaster oh-so-tenderly wiped the tears from her violet eyes,
And said, “Don’t cry, my love! I am a nobleman, and we are all spies.
So I could use a fiery ninja wife,
Who knows how to save my life.”
“Oh, Chestmaster!” she cried. “I love you so much, I could just die.”

THE END.

But wait! Is it the end? Every good story needs an epilogue — but I’m out of time! So in the comments, it would be beyond awesome if we finished this off … in great style.

So, here’s what we do: in a single couplet, haiku, limerick, free verse, whatever — write an epilogue. I’ll be giving away one copy of DEMON NIGHT to one random poet … and another copy of DEMON NIGHT [Bam: What is the title of the book again? Did you say DEMON KNIGHT? I think you said DEMON KNIGHT!] to anyone who comments, poem or not (so you don’t have to write an epilogue to get a chance to win; you just get an extra chance if you do.)

What lies in the future for Chestmaster and Angelica?

[Bam: Dude, you should have gone all the way with it and called him the Assmaster, but then… that would have been an entirely different story.]

ATTENTION: For everyone having trouble with comments, try a hard refresh (refresh while holding CTRL) or clear your cache.

Wordpress + Internet Explorer = Not Always BFF.

GO FIREFOX!

 
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This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 13th, 2008 at 8:48 am and is filed under Guest Author. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

58 Responses to “Meljean Brook and the Best Story Ever”

  1. katiebabs
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 9:42 am
    1

    Crap I am not good at this at all. I just spewed my water all over my desk. You seem to do that to me all the time Meljean!
    Snail-gobbling spy? LMAO!

  2. Jambrea
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 9:43 am
    2

    I LOVE it!! I’ll have to see if I can think of anything for an epilogue and come back. :)

  3. Meljean
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 9:49 am
    3

    Katiebabs — this is kind of your fault. After you mentioned writing a poem in the book I sent you (which should be coming soon) this is what happened when I sat down to write Bam’s post.

    Jambrea — w00t! Remember, it doesn’t even have to rhyme! :-D

  4. Meljean
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 9:51 am
    4

    Oh, and Bam — even I don’t love me more than Christian Bale.

    Maybe the epilogue will include their baby… Young Lord Assmaster?

  5. katiebabs
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 9:52 am
    5

    I better not be drinking anything when I open your package. :D
    I help get the creative juices flowing.

  6. Meljean
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 9:56 am
    6

    Baby, when you open my package you’ll definitely be…

    Okay, even I can’t go there with a straight face. :lol:

  7. Jaded_Bee
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 9:57 am
    7

    So three months later where once she was flat,
    Her belly had grown and inside a baby sat.
    She was angry and upset but didn’t want to cry,
    How could she give up her life as a spy?

    Chestmaster was surprised and acted quite fair,
    Well of course he was, he was getting an heir.
    Angelica’s clothes wouldn’t fit, she got more curves,
    Oh how she hated it, it trampled all over her nerves.

    Chestmaster assured her and rubbed her aching back,
    It hurt ten times worse now that she had a huge rack.
    He’d hug and kiss her and talk to her tummy,
    When she got bored he taught her to play gin rummy.

    She got overly large and feared for the worse,
    Her doctor even asked her if she was having a horse.
    He checked her belly and gave her a wide grin,
    “Why Angelica, you’re the proud mother of twins!”

    Her palor paled and she threatened to faint,
    Her skin resembled the look of ivory paint.
    Chestmaster gulped and gave her smile,
    “We’ll have to buy enough diaper clothes to last us a while.”

    Once they got home and discussed everything,
    Chestmaster bent on a knee and offered a ring.
    The stone was large and glimmered in the light,
    Angelica suddenly knew that everything would be alright.

  8. Shiloh Walker
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 9:58 am
    8

    Meljean, you’re warped.

    Majorly.

    ~said with complete and utter adoration, of course. Bam was right. Meljean is adorable.

    Warped. But adorable.

  9. bam
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 10:02 am
    9
    Author Comment

    I better not be drinking anything when I open your package. :D
    I help get the creative juices flowing.

    Baby, when you open my package you’ll definitely be…

    Okay, even I can’t go there with a straight face.

    DAMN IT, MELJEAN, you beat me to it again!

    I think Marc did say something similar to me the other night, “Baby, when you open my package…”

    which is about as sly as, “Did you fall down from the heavens? ‘Cause I have an erection.”

  10. Jaci Burton
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 10:03 am
    10

    I love you Meljean. More than pizza, even.

  11. azteclady
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 10:04 am
    11

    *laughing like a loon* Oh man!!! This is so much fun!!! I can’t wait to read all the contributions!

  12. katiebabs
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 10:08 am
    12

    A package full of juice! Heh heh.
    I am such a gutter wench. Sigh.

  13. bam
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 10:09 am
    13
    Author Comment

    Jaded_bee, you sap. That was so adorable.

  14. Allison
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 10:09 am
    14

    Meljean - you are a hoot. Thanks so much for a MUCH needed laugh.

  15. lisabea
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 10:10 am
    15

    The Way of the Fist? heh. You been reading that My Fair Captain Meljean?

  16. bam
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 10:12 am
    16
    Author Comment

    The Way of the Fist? heh. You been reading that My Fair Captain Meljean?

    Nothing says “I love you” like a bottle of lube, a man-sized fist, and a midnight trip to Urgent Care (for stitches, no less!)

  17. katiebabs
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 10:16 am
    17

    Anyone open to writing a Haiku on “The Legend of the Backdoor”?

  18. Jaded_Bee
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 10:20 am
    18

    Thank you, thank you. I am a big sap, oh well. I’m a sucker for shiny stuff, I know I’d be more than delighted to be offered a huge glimmery rock, or maybe just something huge, either one will do. lol.

    :)

  19. Meljean
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 10:21 am
    19

    Jaded_Bee — lol! That is too fun. And it’s LONG! Just how I like ‘em ;-)

    Fisting! I have the My Fair Captain TBR, thanks to lisabea and the review here. Haven’t had a chance yet, though. *cries*

  20. bam
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 10:23 am
    20
    Author Comment

    Katiebabs:

    Rustle in the dark
    Spit in hand, ease past the ring
    The snapping of twig

  21. azteclady
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 10:41 am
    21

    bam: snapping? ouch!!!

  22. Lorelie
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 10:46 am
    22

    lol! That is too fun. And it’s LONG! Just how I like ‘em

    After the package/juice discussion I can’t be held responsible for where my mind went with that one.

  23. bettie
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 10:54 am
    23

    MelJean, you rock! That poem was so much fun. Don’t enter me in the contest. I already have the ARC of Demon Night I won at Dear Author a while back. I adore it.


    Epilogue

    In the throes of their Ever After
    Angelica and her dear Chestmaster
    Shagged like bunnies and minxes,
    Had X-rated hijinxes,
    And popped out offspring faster and faster

    So vast was the Chestmaster clan
    That the editor cried out, “Oh, man!
    They’re all different but equal,
    Perfect fodder for sequels!
    Write me more books as fast as you can!”

    So the author grew happy and rich
    Writing tome after tome in which
    Those Chestmaster men
    Found love time and again
    Oh, that author, she’s one lucky bitch.

    ;)

  24. bam
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 10:54 am
    24
    Author Comment

    bam: snapping? ouch!!!

    Didn’t mean to imply that. *wince*

    I guess it should have been “Outside, a twig snaps”

  25. lisabea
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 10:56 am
    25

    I just assumed her/his name was Twig. And he/she snapped.

  26. Meljean
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 11:01 am
    26

    I thought the twig was a body part :shock:

    bettie — oh, man! It’s straight out of The Fives Steps: the sequels must keep on coming! *g*

  27. Meljean
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 11:02 am
    27

    Five. Five.

    I can spell.

  28. katiebabs
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 11:02 am
    28

    Twig went ouch,
    As he lost what was in his pouch
    For his poor behind
    Was gone like his mind.

  29. azteclady
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 11:04 am
    29

    Poor Twig!! (See? Meljean’s mind went the same place as mine)

    And that sounds dirty too…

    [I’m also getting an ARC already, so I’m here fur the fun not the contest]

  30. ilona andrews
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 11:07 am
    30

    Dear readers, despite this delightful levity,
    I urge you to finish the ninja hilarity,
    Chessmasters and ninjas are fine and right,
    But trust me, you would much prefer Demon Night
    A tale of romance and emotional verity

    PS. (I hate rhyming in English. Hate. Do not enter into drawing please, already bought a copy:P)

  31. bettie
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 11:16 am
    31

    …oh, man! It’s straight out of The Five Steps…

    MelJean, The Five Steps are my bible. They’re like The Secret, The South Beach Diet, and Dianetics all rolled into one. ::jumps up on couch:: “The Five Steps aren’t just a guide for writing, they’re a guide for life.”

  32. Jackie
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 11:20 am
    32

    This is freaking BRILLIANT. Hmm. Okay, Haiku time…

    Angelica fair
    And Chestmaster the dashing
    Will die together

    Forever entwined
    In a bed of their making
    Full of sex and death

    [Don’t enter me in the contest — I already have DEMON NIGHT]

  33. Kerry D.
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 11:21 am
    33

    Totally hysterical. Thanks Meljean and ladies. Just the laugh I needed this morning. I don’t feel up to trying poetry, but I’m enjoying everyone else’s brilliance.

  34. michelle
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 11:27 am
    34

    Well there is no way that I could top that so I am just commenting.

  35. Meljean
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 11:49 am
    35

    w00t! I’m a guru! Should I shave my head? I have a nice pink scalp (like a boobie.)

    michelle — I think it’s easy to top it. Now, sinking lower than my poem? That might be difficult :lol:

  36. Lorelie
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
    36

    Now, sinking lower than my poem? That might be difficult

    Oh yeah? Ta da:

    But Chestmaster had a friend
    Whose name was Backend
    And Angelique had a fellow spy
    Whose posterior made men sigh.

    Perfect in face and form,
    Samuella was still different from the norm.
    She had a secret she was hiding,
    To no one had she been confiding.

    They met, they flirted,
    And Backend’s efforts were concerted
    ‘Til Samuella gave him what what
    Which naturally made Backend strut.

    Then he realized she’d begun to cry.
    He said, “It’s alright darling, tell me why.”
    She said she was sure he’d want to kill her
    For Samuella was truly a monsieur.

    But Backend was quite reassuring
    And told her she was still alluring.
    “There’s no reason to run away to Indonesia,
    Our publisher’s Aphrodisia!”

    (PS, don’t enter me, I got Demon Night last Saturday.)

  37. bam
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
    37
    Author Comment

    “There’s no reason to run away to Indonesia,
    Our publisher’s Aphrodisia!”

    Damn, the cocaine I was snorting shot straight out of my left eye.

    Did I say cocaine? I meant Flonaise.

    Wow… If you wanna hang out you’ve got to take her out; Flonaise.
    If you wanna get down, down on the ground; Flonaise.
    She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie… Flonaise.

  38. SweetNSourGirl
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
    38

    Great poem! Hehee. I got a stanza for ya here.

    In the night’s haze the ninja did fight
    Except for this one special night
    In which she and her groom
    Were naked in their room
    This they did until day’s light.

  39. lisabea
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
    39

    funny meljean. cuz my pink boobie looks scalped….

    good god bam this is one entertaining contest

  40. Lorelie
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
    40

    Huh. I just checked my iPod for Cocaine and not only do I not have it, I only have one Eric Clapton song. How did that happen?

    Damn, the cocaine I was snorting shot straight out of my left eye.

    Did I say cocaine? I meant Flonaise.

    I bet either one would burn.

  41. azteclady
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
    41

    Yeah but those would be some truly CLEAN sinuses.

  42. Collette
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
    42

    Okay, a quick try (but of course, I already have Demon Night!)

    The years go by and of course it is fated
    Through their hot monkey love many children are created
    And most important of all
    Her nethers still enthral
    and the virile Chestmaster remains sated.

  43. Josie
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
    43

    God, there just aren’t enough Regency ninja heroines. Thank you Meljean for addressing this.
    I’m not going to attempt poetry of any kind but Bam I’m concerned about your eyeball. That’s gotta hurt ;[

    (Don’t enter me, I read Demon Night on the weekend… It was all kinds of awesome)

  44. tasha t
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
    44

    they fight like cat and dogs, but find a truce

  45. Ann M.
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
    45

    Chestmaster and Angelica

    For Valentine’s Day
    Chestmater - Angelica
    Day of bliss for both

    Not my best haiku ..but their names were just too many syllables.

  46. Christine
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
    46

    I see we have Meljean still on her new release high,
    Writing a clever poem of an insatiable rake and his kick ass spy.
    Then we have our hostess, Bam, who keeps snorting stuff.
    And friends who come by, making rhymes off the cuff,
    In hopes to win Demon Night ‘cuz they hear Drifter’s one helluva guy.

    More a comment than a contribution to the Best Story Ever. ;) Please don’t enter me in the contest as I already have this fabulous novel!

  47. Kaitlin
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
    47

    Just so you know, absolutely NONE of the comments are showing up at all…at least not on my computers.

    Meljean, that poem was hysterical! I had the giggles & I was reading it at work…bad combination. :D

  48. azteclady
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
    48

    Bam, my s.o. had the same problem as Kaitlin–he tried several times, and the most he got to read were comment from 14 on…the first 13 never appeared for him.

  49. JSL
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
    49

    Meljean, you… really are so very, very twisted.

    I love books so much
    though not so much poetry
    but I’ll try for this

    - and that’s the truth
    Haha … ok here is my sad little attempt at a haiku:

    so lustful they were
    so what could occur but kids
    and thus fled their joy

    so it’s a bit dark and disjointed, but… yes… haha.

  50. bam
    Posted: Feb 13th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
    50
    Author Comment

    For everyone having trouble with comments, try a hard refresh (refresh while holding CTRL) or clear your cache.

    Wordpress + Internet Explorer = Not Always BFF.

    GO FIREFOX!

    Or… it’s a mysql error again. *geek grumble*

  51. Dawn
    Posted: Feb 14th, 2008 at 2:45 am
    51

    I loved that! I will confess that one of my guilty pleasures is rampant regency romance, but I’m no good at poetree.

  52. Lorelie
    Posted: Feb 14th, 2008 at 5:16 am
    52

    Bam, neither of those are working for me. I end up having to refresh like four or five times, or come back in a few minutes to see comments.

  53. katiebabs
    Posted: Feb 14th, 2008 at 6:52 am
    53

    Who’s the sexy voice on the podcast? *G*

  54. Meljean
    Posted: Feb 14th, 2008 at 7:25 am
    54

    *laughing like crazy*

    Oh, dear. It’s even worse out loud.

  55. azteclady
    Posted: Feb 14th, 2008 at 7:55 am
    55

    You mean, even BETTER, right?

    *still laughing crazily*

  56. Christine
    Posted: Feb 14th, 2008 at 8:55 am
    56

    LOL That’s priceless! :D

  57. Barbara
    Posted: Feb 15th, 2008 at 9:37 am
    57

    Well I enjoyed everything including the comments. There is no way I can compete with the poetry haiku or epilogue. so just enter me in the contest for the book.

  58. azteclady
    Posted: Feb 15th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
    58

    Congrats to the winners! *applause*

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