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The Return of Mark Henry

Mark Henry was here eons ago to pimp his first book ever, The Happy Hour of the Damned and now he’s back ’cause HHOTD came out yesterday… and this time, he’s aiming to cause all manners of ruckus. Give it up again for our first male guest… ever.

P.S. I’m f*cking Matt Damon.

An Urban Fantasy vs. Sad Suburban Reality
by Mark Henry

Oh…the agony of guest blogging AFTER Ann Aguirre. It burns. [Bam: It should. She garnered over 75 comments. *snicker*] I had this whole top-ten author freak outs thing prepared, mostly related to insomnia, compulsive over-eating and stress-induced diarrhea. But after Ann’s confessional yesterday, I was forced to cinch it off mid-stream, so to speak. Two top-tens in a row? Why it’s unconscionable!

So there I was, sweating in the zero hour. Bam torturing me with reminder emails; one after the other after the other after the…

Then it hit me!

Go with what you know. Just like they say about writing. And if I know anything—God help me—it’s crazy. With “crazy” I never have to look far for a topic, simply take a look at the last couple of days and be honest. Here’s what I came up with…

The Glamorous Life of a Debut Novelist

Being awards season, it’s not at all uncommon for a hand-delivered invitation to arrive at our stately manse, offering to jet us off to
Hollywood for the Vanity Fair party, often hand lettered by Elton, himself. This year was no exception. Of course, it begs the question, what to wear? Prada? Miu-Miu? Jil Sander? Oswald Boateng? Tuxedos don’t come in just the Gucci variety, anymore. Then there’s the matter of jewelry. My wife can’t be expected to wear a “loaner” from Harry Winston, that’s a bit too “low brow,” don’t you think?

So we were whisked away to that grimy capital of smog and porn, Los Angeles, a limo waiting and attendants dusting us with various powders and designer drugs. When we arrived at the party–fashionably late, of course—the second tier actresses had already stampeded the red carpet and muddied the crap out of it. I hate to be difficult, but our shoes were Prada and Louboutin and we couldn’t be expected to smudge them in actress poo. So, Elton sent a massive four poster bed which we rode like we’d swiped it out from under Barbara Cartland’s corpse (what? You know she’s buried in that thing).

Inside, our senses were assaulted by foreigners with Oscar statuettes, aging alcoholics with emaciated hookers hanging off their wrists like flesh-tone bracelets, and last year’s starlets chatting up gossip columnists with lips like breakfast sausages. You know, the usual. We took up residence at a central table and a line quickly formed to greet us, Brangelina, Tomkat, Skin&Bones (my new nickname for the Ford/Flockhart travesty). Chatting ensued. Sadly those tales are not for the masses.

Okay. So not exactly honest. There wasn’t even a Vanity Fair party this year.

But who wants to read about a houseful of aging Gen-Xers getting buzzed on Captain Morgan’s and Diet Coke, eating fried chicken and hot sauce, and pretending to care who wins best film editing? No one that’s who.

Is it too late to mention how awesome that Gary Busey bumblefuck was? When he slithered in for that hug and kiss, Jennifer Garner looked like he took a shit in her organic walnut and starfruit granola. Priceless! I swear I saw Seacrest clutch his purse a little tighter. Laura Linney, God bless her, never lost her composure, probably due to that sock full of pennies she carries in her purse, in the event she may need to whack a bitch (little known Hollywood fact).

So there you have it. The quintessential debut novelist guest blog. Scattered, rambling, incomprehensible.

I’ve enjoyed our time together so much, that I’d like to give one of you a very special gift. My baby. My book. HAPPY HOUR OF THE DAMNED, a zomedy with cocktails and eyeliner is on the shelves now, but I’ve got one here that I’ve been doodling on and signed and everything. If that’s not enough, I’ll toss in a $25 Barnes and Noble gift card to the lucky commenter. Take that Aguirre!

Now. Let’s chat it up!

Bam’s Note: I’m thinking of a number, maybe between 50 and 80… you see the numbers assigned to the comments? If your comment happens to land on the number I’m thinking of, you’ll get… dun-dun-dun… a $20 GC to Amazon. Don’t comment 20 times in a row, don’t use sock puppets (I can see your IPs, darlings).

I’m only doing this so our First Male Guest Blogger Evah can have a fighting chance against my shining star, Ann Aguirre. *grin*

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! We’re gonna give away another copy of Happy Hour of the Damned [Man, men can be so competitive] to a lucky commenter. So comment away!

If you can’t see the comments and you’re viewing this blog in Internet Explorer, SWITCH TO FIREFOX, FOR GOD’S SAKE. IE SUCKS ASS!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 27th, 2008 at 8:24 am and is filed under Guest Author. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

125 Responses to “The Return of Mark Henry”

  1. JSL
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 8:49 am
    1

    I loved this post - hi Mark! Thank you so much for keeping me entertained in class - I was really wilting. [Although I’m sure my random smiles to myself and typing for no reason was suspicious.] Ah well. I love the title & cover of your book!

  2. Jill Sorenson
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 8:52 am
    2

    I feel bad when I post a comment to win a book. Are published authors not supposed to enter? Gah. Someone please tell me because I’ve been doing it a lot.

    Mark, you’re hilarious! You had me rolling with Skin&Bones, actress poo, and whack a bitch. I can totally picture Laura Linney doing that! I’d love to read your zomedy.

    Bam, I’m impressed by your stoner speak talents. I always though Crystal Ship was Crystal Shit. (Sorry, this part is from the Aguirre thread. She strikes again!)

  3. Ann Aguirre
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 8:53 am
    3

    I shine my presence on your post. But you too will enjoy enormous success, for you have unleashed the arcane energies known as…”the bribe.”

    Dude, my debut day was much different. I had four sweaty dudes painting my living room (and no, they weren’t hot) while the dog sat outside howling because I wouldn’t let her come in and turn the redecorating into something out of National Lampoon movie. I wound up feeling stoned from the fumes and then we went out to dinner in the rain. Yes, it was magical.

    As for the 70 comments, well, once women start talking about porn, you know you’re golden. My work here is done.

  4. fiveandfour
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 9:00 am
    4

    Elton sent a massive four poster bed which we rode like we’d swiped it out from under Barbara Cartland’s corpse

    Mark, you forgot to mention the deeply muscled, darkly tanned, gleamingly oiled and scantily dressed men who hoisted you over the threshold on that bed - i.e. the best part! I’m picturing loin cloths and those golden bracelets worn on the upper arm, so don’t burst my bubble if the costumes were more tasteful (or voluminous) than that, ‘k?

    And I can’t believe I missed Mr. Crazy McCrackhead’s assault on the red carpet. That sounds like it was made of awesome - you know I’ll be YouTubing that ASAP.

    (P.S. to Bam: and when I said I was fucking Matt Damon, I was fucking Matt Damon!)

  5. Diana Castilleja
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 9:00 am
    5

    Histerical post! Zomedy? Until you, I’d never heard that word, so there you go! You’re creating a whole world, and thus followers, or is that a cult?

    Never mind…..

    Best of luck for the latest!

  6. Swimfan
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 9:18 am
    6

    Uh… no. I’m fucking Matt Damon.

  7. Nan
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 9:40 am
    7

    Mmmhm,
    The zomedy cult.
    You’re a Zomedier, I’m a Zomedier, we’re all Zomediers…
    Maybe it should have an accent. How about Zomédier?

    Anyway, good luck with your new book!

    Oh, and I love the razor on your homepage.

  8. Jambrea
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 10:19 am
    8

    Good luck with your book. I LOVED your post. Very entertaining! If this post is anything to go by, I’m sure your Zomedy will be wonderful.

  9. Wendy
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 10:26 am
    9

    Hi, Mark!

    I can’t believe I missed the Jennifer Gardner part! It sounds hilarious! it’s probably on youtube, though.

    I’ve eaten too much chocolate cake and now I’m all a-twitchy!

  10. Wendy
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 10:28 am
    10

    And oh! I hopefully will be getting Happy Hour of the Damned in the mal any day now and I can’t wait to read it! I just hope I get it before I start second semester, because I don’t want my studying to get in the way of reading HotD lol.

  11. Ashley V
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 10:44 am
    11

    oooo zomedy….I must own this book!

  12. Christine
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 10:48 am
    12

    Hi Mark! Congratulations on the release of your debut novel. I don’t think I’ve ever read a zomedy before… it sounds very entertaining! ;)

  13. azteclady
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 11:22 am
    13

    Ann was stoned… now you know what to do to celebrate your release, Mr Mark first-ever-male-guest Henry!

    Congrats on the release and *crossing fingers* good luck!

  14. Devon
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
    14

    Skin + Bones=Hilarious! Do you have one for Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones?

    I didn’t watch the Oscars, but I read the live blog on Television Without Pity. I bet there’s YouTube footage of the Busey/Garner incident.

    Don’t put me in the drawing, ‘cuz I’ve read the book already. Sick and twisted and veddy funny. Best of luck on your debut day.

  15. Kim
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
    15

    LOL. Great post Mark! Now maybe other men won’t be afraid to visit here. You’re a real trailblazer! Your book sounds great and I love me some zombies.

    BTW..I am fucking Ben Affleck.

  16. lightlyfell
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
    16

    I want to read this book. I love zombies and hope they take over the world.
    Although some say they already have.

  17. Josie
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
    17

    Congrats on the release Mark!

    The Gary Busey incident was my favourite part of the whole Oscars show - I loved that after Jennifer Garner had been inappropriately kissed on the neck by that lunatic, Seacrest asked her when Ben was. Wouldn’t that have been amusing - Affleck and Busey in a throw-down on the red carpet… Much more fun than fuc#ing Matt Damon!

  18. December Quinn/Stacia Kane
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
    18

    So that’s what you were doing. You told me you had to wash your hair!

    (BTW, I don’t know if it’s just my computer or what, but I can’t see anyone else’s comments.)

  19. Lorelie
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
    19

    I bet Busey would win. Affleck just doesn’t have the crazy strength going.

    And December, try hitting the back, then the forward buttons on your browser. It’s been working for me lately.

  20. fiveandfour
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
    20

    Much more fun than fuc#ing Matt Damon!

    But Josie…f*cking against a door, f*cking on a towel on the floor? C’mon - *what* can be more fun than that?

    And Busey kissed her neck?! \O/ He’s an even bigger lunatic than I thought. I can’t wait to get home so I can find that clip!

  21. Gwen
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
    21

    For real? Blank comments??!! C’mon folks! Put some heart into it! After all, a zombie has to eat!

    Mark - thanks for the chuckles. I particularly loved the pennies in the sock tidbit. I always thought of Linney as a 25-cal in the garter type. ;-)

  22. Gwen
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
    22

    Oh, and Bam - I don’t know who you’re fucking, but I’m fucking the real Matt Damon.

    For real.

    Oh - and did I mention the wonderful fantasies your Christian Bale/Eric Bana sandwich gave me? Literally gave me shivers! Loved it. (wrong post I know, but I’m lazy today)

  23. Lorelie
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
    23

    Ok, so I’m tragically behind but I finally watched the fucking Matt Damon clip. . . .

    Ten minutes ago. I’ve been laughing like a loon since then.

    Laughing like I read a zomedy?

  24. Lorelie
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
    24

    They’re not blank, Gwen. Wordpress and Explorer don’t always get along. I heard it’s because Wordpress is fucking Matt Damon.

  25. Bonnie Dee
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
    25

    I can only see a couple of the comments. What’s that about?

    I’m going to have to go to You Tube and see what this Gary Busey thing is all about. I don’t even make an attempt to watch the Academy Awards anymore. It’s too mind-numbingly slow and listening to the presenters read lame cue cards is painful.

  26. December Quinn/Stacia Kane
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
    26

    Aah. I hit refresh and this time it worked, so I got to see everyone’s comments!

    And I’ve read Mark’s book, and it’s one the best funniest books I’ve ever read, and awesome in every single way.

  27. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
    27

    First off: 26 comments and I haven’t even been here. How much do I suck dog dicks?

    I was off doing the ultra glamorous stock signing at local bookstores (I hit twelve) and Fergie was nowhere to be found. But I’m back and ready to talk porn, sexual oddities from the seventies and celeb gossip like it was dripping from a yeast infection.

    Let’s go!

    JSL - I aim to please. Did you by any chance blow coke out of your nose during class?

    Jill - Bam’s totally a stoner. Pass it on.

    Ann - You devil with your porn! I know all sorts of kinky shit from sex therapy sessions in my previous life. Anyone? Anyone?

    5&4 - Oh…that Busey. He’s my new favorite addict. F*ck Conoway.

    Diana - I believe “zomedy” was coined for Shaun of the Dead, but I’ll gladly take credit.

  28. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
    28

    Swimfan - Is it too late, cuz I’m fucking Waylan Flowers and Madame?

    Nan - It scares me how you love my razor blade. You’re not a cutter are you?

    Jambrea - Oh Hells yeah it’s like this only naughtier.

    Wendy - Wait ’til you see what I’ve done with Chocolate cake in HHotD. You’re gonna pee yourself.

    Ashley V - You’re right, you must.

  29. JSL
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
    29

    Mark - no, thank goodness, it was bad enough already. I was typing at a time nobody was taking notes… Bad. It’s a small class, with a very intense professor. I also wanted to say I was totally amused by the fact that you chose a rival bookseller for the giveaway. And lastly… I would say “you do suck dog dicks. a lot.” but I don’t know you well enough ;-)

  30. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
    30

    Christine - The only other zomedy I can name is Christopher Moore’s The Stupidest Angel and that one has to be read. It’s hilarious.

    azteclady - Puh-leez I’m wasted on a pitcher of zombies. Them shits is strong!

    Devon - Let’s see Michael Douglas/Catherine Zeta Jones. Hmmm? Toughy.

    Kim - I really must insist that you fuck Matt Damon, Affleck is simply too easy to make fun of.

    Lightlyfell - Rise my dead things! Time for the apocalypse! Or cocktails.

    Josie - If only to see Ben brutalized in Roberto Cavali.

    Stace - Whatchoo doin’ here?

  31. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
    31

    Lorelie - Oh yeah! Hands down it’s Busey. It’d be like throwing a cat into a bathtub. Wordpress is totally fucking Matt Damon…and all of you that can’t read the comments. Buuuuuunnnnng!

    Gwen - One day Linney’s going to meet up with Paltrow in a dark alley and school that bitch. If only I could be there to see it.

    Bonnie Dee - Poor poor Bonnie Dee, the comments are particularly inflammatory.

    Stace - You’re making me blush. Really. No…okay not really. Keep it up. Seriously.

  32. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
    32

    Thanks JSL, you’re good people.

  33. Kimberly B.
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
    33

    Great blog entry! This book is near the top of my to-be-bought list (why does everything have to come out near the same time?). And I never thought of The Stupidest Angel as a zomedy, but you’re right!

  34. bam
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
    34
    Author Comment

    Gwen and other man-stealing bitches, Matt Damon just called and he said get off his jock ’cause Bam is fucking Matt Damon and Bam is all the woman Matt Damon needs.

  35. bam
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
    35
    Author Comment

    And it’s true, apparently, Wordpress is also fucking Matt Damon and Internet Explorer doesn’t like it.

    Goddamn, get Firefox already, you luddites!

  36. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
    36

    Thanks Kimberly B., but question…near the top? What’s at the top if not the snarkiest dead bitch ever to grace a page? Seriously, what? ;-)

  37. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
    37

    Bam - Is this the wrong time to bring up that patch of hair on Damon’s lower back? Yes? No?

  38. Lorelie
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
    38

    I thought Firefox was doing Ben Affleck.

  39. Kaitlin
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
    39

    *snicker* One of the best posts EVER! Mark, you’re too funny. :D I’m at work bored out of my mind. Anyone want to keep me company? *sigh*

    I’d love the book. Zomedy has got to be good and if it’s as funny as your guest blog was, I’ll be in stitches! Oh, that’s a good one. he-he

  40. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
    40

    Thanks Kaitlin! I’d offer my company, but you’d be treated to my running commentary of Project Runway and America’s Next Top Model. Research side effects both. Can’t get enough.

  41. tami
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
    41

    :) first male blogger huh, congrats on that !

  42. Wendy
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
    42

    Chocolate cake with zombie?! Sounds delightful!

    Am I the only one watching The Pussycat Dolls Present Girlicious?!

  43. Devon
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
    43

    I let my husband put on the UFC between Top Model and the PR finale (he secretly loves PR, I know it). I actually watched the first season of Pussycat Dolls, but the way Top Model is shaping up, I just couldn’t subject myself to another hour of knuckleheads.

  44. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
    44

    Tami - Thanks. If it makes you feel more comfortable, I’ll tuck it. Oh yeah. I said it.

    Wendy - I watched the first week just because I like to call the ringleader Susan Anton, but without the added thrill of winning a fake spot in the Pussycat Dolls, it just doesn’t have the charm. Who am I kidding? It’s on my tivo.

  45. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
    45

    Hi Devon - Don’t say anything about runway, it doesn’t start for 7 more minutes and I’ll be trippin’ if Chris March doesn’t beat down Rami’s draping ass.

  46. Devon
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
    46

    Oh, they love Rami for whatever reason. They wouldn’t have let Chris in if Cavalli hadn’t loved him so much.

    Ooh it’s starting now.

  47. JSL
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
    47

    *laughs* Mark - I love your comments. I wish I could keep you around. Or maybe not - I don’t have any problem laughing at inappropriate and inopportune moments. (Or maybe that is a problem…) And re your comment to Tammi, now I can’t get that one scene from Silence of the Lambs out of my head. *shudders* I love AnTM - I can while away hours when they’re showing the marathons on VH1. It’s sick. I actually don’t have a tv in my apartment… otherwise I could see myself watching the PCD. I’ve never seen project runway :X - but I hear I’m missing out.

  48. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
    48

    JSL - Wish you could keep me around? Wha? Are you planning on killing me? I’m a person. You’re not making a man suit are you? As for the reality show addiction, this is how bad I am. At 8:00 I’ve got to go upstairs to watch ANTM because American Idol and Big Brother are recording. Maybe I do need the hose.

  49. Josie
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
    49

    fiveandfour said: But Josie…f*cking against a door, f*cking on a towel on the floor? C’mon - *what* can be more fun than that?

    You’re right, you’re totally right what was I thinking??

    Busey would totally kick Ben’s arse - and probably follow it up by reciting some random poetry… I reckon Jen could take him though.

    Is there another season of Next Top Model happening? We are way behind in Australia - we’ve only just finished the season that Dannielle won…

  50. Amy S.
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
    50

    Happy Hour of the Damned sounds great!

  51. Caffey
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
    51

    I saw HAPPY HOUR OF THE DAMNED when I was looking for some more Urban Fantasy to read. Then too I saw this book listed in a Fantasy magazine! I already had a note down to get this! So the word is getting out about the book and was so glad to come here and meet you! Love your humor!

    So tell us, is this a start of a series of more to come with the same characters? Or a series with different characters stories in each book? If I get hooked on them, probably will, how long between books, LOL. I so love the sound of DAMNED, sounds like my kind of read!

  52. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
    52

    Josie - Yep…two seasons of ANTM this year because of the writer’s strike, it’s all reality all the time!

    Amy - Thanks, I hope you’ll laugh your ass off reading it.

    Caffey - Do you remember what fantasy magazine that was? I’d love to find the mention. Anyway, yeah, Happy Hour is the first in a series. I recently delivered the second book, Road Trip of the Living Dead and I’m outlining the third right now (American Minions), actually, let me bust out a blurb. Here you go…

    Happy Hour of the Damned is the wild rollicking tale of Amanda Feral, a hilariously bitchy advertising executive who, following a chance encounter with an undead octogenarian with some nasty breath, turns into a flesh-hungry zombie. Lucky for her, Seattle’s underworld teems with ghouls, bloodsuckers and horny devils, waiting breathlessly for their very own undead socialite to stalk with cameras and ridicule. It’s not all parties, cocktails and sweetbreads, when her succubus friend disappears; it’s up to Amanda and her friends to navigate a debauched world of nightclubs, demonic bowling leagues and 12-step groups for the recently departed. Along the way, she uncovers a plot to instigate the last great zombie plague and for Amanda, that just won’t do, ‘cuz a girl’s gotta eat.

  53. Josie
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
    53

    Two seasons?? At least something good came out of the writer’s strike… I just can’t get enough of watching Tyra teaching the world to ’smile with their eyes’.

  54. Jill Sorenson
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
    54

    Happy Hour sounds good, Mark. I was a succubus once for Halloween. I mean, I put on a black dress and called myself a succubus because I didn’t have any vampire teeth. I hope I haven’t offended any real succubi out there. Succubi? Succubii? Succubusses.

    I vote for Rami! Let him drape, I say.

  55. JSL
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
    55

    Mark - that’s really creepy. Definitely not what I was thinking. I meant more of a “I wish I could chat with you every day during class. That would make con law and professional responsibility so much more bearable!” Thanks for putting all those psychotic serial killer nightmarish thoughts in my head. I work in the legal system and now I’m going to be paranoid around every criminal defendant :-P .
    Two seasons of ANTM joy? I’ve never seen BB, and dropped AI after the winners kept flopping. I can’t wait for the newest VH1 marathon where I veg and don’t do anything I should.
    Happy Hour of the Damned sounds awesome - “waiting breathlessly for their very own undead socialite to stalk with cameras and ridicule.” really got me.
    Jill - I might have to steal your idea ;-) I have this costume I call “Morticia” - it’s all black and has this spiderweb cape… (it’s actually an interpretation of Arachne… long story)

  56. Kim
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
    56

    So Mark, are your zombies fast-moving or slow-moving?

  57. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
    57

    Jill - succubi is the plural. I hope you’ll enjoy the book. Maybe you can cull some costume ideas from within.

    JSL - Speaking of VH1 are you watching Celebrity Rehab? Holy crap that’s a train wreck. I can’t help it, it makes me smile.

    Kim - Both. I’ll just leave it at that. ;-)

  58. Kaitlin
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
    58

    Hmm…PR is one of those shows where I either really dig it or could care less. I have a feeling Christian will win & that just depresses me something fierce. What an arrogant little twerp. :(

    Sitting here watching movies & typing at the same time isn’t a good idea. LOL!

    Mark-I love the sound of the book. It should be interesting, especially since zombies aren’t necessarily known for having their…wits about them. :) I shall look for it when I have the fundage to buy it. :D Unless I win today of course. he-he

  59. Kim
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
    59

    LOL. Slow-moving has to be a real handicap. I mean, people can just run away or just walk quickly away. They have to be sneaky. And quiet. Bummer.

  60. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
    60

    Kim - Amanda and her friends are the fast, well-preserved variety and quite sentient. Most of the rest are slow but there are lots of them. That’s the trick.

  61. danette
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
    61

    Hi Mark,

    I like the sound of it ,ZOMEDY! Another fun post, thanks for sharing.

    Hugs, Danette

  62. fiveandfour
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
    62

    In re: Michael Douglas/Catherine Zeta-Jones, “Beauty and the Beast” came to me all of the sudden. As in he’s the beauty and she’s the beast. Yeah, it doesn’t quite fit I know…but there’s just something about CZJ that reminds me of that Buffy episode Living Conditions. Like, one day someone’s going to rip off her face and there’ll be some glowy-eyed demon underneath and I’ll say, “I knew it!” just like Buffy did. She can’t fool me, nuh-uh.

    And Josie, I don’t know *what* I was thinking encouraging you to think kindly about f*cking Matt Damon since I’m f*cking Matt Damon! (In the tub, in the car, up against the mini bar.)

  63. bam
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
    63
    Author Comment

    I’m fucking Seth Rogen.

    Don’t believe Mark’s lies about me being a stoner. He’s just jeallouze ’cause I’m fucking the fat guy from Knocked Up.

  64. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 27th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
    64

    Bam - That’s my favorite one yet. Everyone, it’s true: Bam is fucking Seth Rogen. Are you sure some pot wouldn’t come in handy right about now? Hmm?

    5&4 - Let’s call them Pigs in a Blanket. Catherine Zeta Jones always looks like she’s been licking salt for a week before she’s shoved into whatever sausage casing of a dress she can find, while Douglas is looking as wrinkled as his old man–need I remind you that his ass looked like two floppy pancakes in Basic Instinct?

    Danette - hugs you back.

  65. Mina
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 7:16 am
    65

    I swear, I always miss the interesting parts of the awards ceremonies! And congrats on being the first male guest blogger here! Your book looks all sorts of interesting by the way.

  66. Wendy
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 7:39 am
    66

    Mark, I do not like that woman! Can we say lip injections? Holy crap! But Girlicious is fun to watch, especially all the drama. So far I don’t have a favorite one though, not yet anyway! Same thing with AnTM - any favorites?

    Oh! How about Big Brother?! This season is couples and at first I thought it was a bit stupid but it’s getting good, actually.

  67. AJ Menden
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 8:05 am
    67

    Oh, I agree about Gary Busey. That was priceless!

  68. Libby
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 8:05 am
    68

    I’m coughing up a lung here, I’m laughing so hard! The kids and I have been down for the count with the flu all week, and this is just what I needed :) Many congrats on Happy Hour, Mark! I have been looking forward to this since the League debuted. I’m tipping my morning dose of cough syrup to you ;)

  69. T.M. Thomas
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 8:26 am
    69

    I missed the oscars this year because I was so enthralled with my rereading of HHotD.

    Ok, so I never watch them.

    The part about the enthralling book is true, though.

  70. Stacey
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 8:28 am
    70

    Deeply muscled, darkly tanned, gleamingly oiled and scantily dressed men and hoisting? Sorry, the rest was pretty much a blur after that of comments and visions of Leonidas & co. Anywho, I did manage to catch something about there being two seasons of ANTM. How about the reactions to that one girl at the judging panel? Priceless.

  71. T.M. Thomas
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 8:33 am
    71

    Hmm…I can’t see anyone else’s comments. That sucks.
    I think that I’m #69, which totally deserves at least a giggle. I’m 12 on the inside.

  72. K.B. Wagers
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 8:41 am
    72

    *laughs* Stunningly incomprehensible as always Mark!

  73. R.M. Ridley
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 8:53 am
    73

    Oh free - BOOK! - did I read right ( can’t be sure as my reading skill is failing because I haven’t been able to afford a new book in soo long )
    Wait, there was nothing about needing to guilt you in the comment was there? My bad.

    Mark should win this dual - Why? Not because he’s a man (’cause who’s checked lately? )(Sorry Mark had to be asked) NO! He should win because he needs the self esteem until the meds kick in.

  74. Stacey
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 9:07 am
    74

    Well damn. Now I have the “I’m f*cking Matt Damon” song stuck in my head. I guess it’s better than the time I had the banana phone song stuck in my head for days. Oh the horror.

  75. T.M. Thomas
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 9:07 am
    75

    Ah, I finally figured out how to read comments and saw others had that issue.
    I don’t get PR’s channel, but I enjoyed when NBC aired a few eps. It seemed like a cool show.
    ANTM never really did it for me. Which is weird, since everything else on reality tv ends up on my radar eventually.

  76. Dan
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 9:15 am
    76

    If nothing else, it’s a lot safer to comment on your post Mark, no deep revelations necessary. But it sounds a lot like my Oscar night, too. Well, except for I actually forgot about it entirely and just checked out the highlights on the web the next day.

  77. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 9:27 am
    77

    Mina - Thanks. I hope you’ll pick it up, if you don’t win it here that is.

    Wendy - The only model I think is memorable is the one that looks like Iman, though I hate to root for her because of the whole female circumcision thing. It feels like a plot to push her forward. I don’t doubt it’s true, but does it make her any less bitchy? As for BB, I’m not happy with the couples thing. It’s going to make the season go to quick. I’m sure that the producers are planning to do a regular summer season, too.

    A.J. - Hi! Thanks for swinging by!

    Libby - You just be careful not to robotrip (is that the term?). Thanks, about the release thing. I’ll be interested to hear what you think.

  78. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 9:35 am
    78

    Todd - You really missed it then. Busey was refreshingly insane, but not nearly as interesting as the reactions. Oh God.

    Stacey - Yes. I overlooked Elton’s man candy. By the way, it was the Oscars. Their muscles were truffle-oiled. On ANTM, Ms. Jay should have stomped that little brat with his heels.

    K.B. - Thanks, I aim to please and pleased to aim.

    R.M. - Thanks for the vote of confidence. I’m back on the meds, now.

  79. Randi
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 9:38 am
    79

    Mark, you are freakin hilarious. You should pimp stuff more often.

  80. bam
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 9:40 am
    80
    Author Comment

    I will only watch the Oscars if Christian Bale gets nominated for anything… ANYTHING AT ALL.

    FOR GOD’S SAKE SOMEONE GIVE THE MAN AN OSCAR HE LOST 100 LBS FOR THAT ONE ROLE WHERE HE FUCKS JENNIFER JASON LEIGH AND YOU COULD SEE ON HER FACE THAT SHE WANTED TO THROW UP ‘CAUSE HE WAS SO REXY IT WASN’T EVEN SEXY!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE ACADEMY THAT THEY WON’T RECOGNIZE THIS MAN’S DEDICATION TO HIS CRAFT!?!?!?!?

    *inhale… exhale*

    Anyway, the Oscars are a sham.

  81. Wendy
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 9:56 am
    81

    Eh, I don’t like her, exactly because of the whole circumcision thing, it’s a competition, for gods sake, why would she tell people that?! And she is bitchy, she says it’s so people don’t hurt her or something, although I don’t see that makes it remotely better.

    And you’re right, the Couples season will go fastest but I read that they’re doing a regular season too so there’s that. And last night I saw a commercial that hinted at Allison and Ryan having a little fling - OHMIGOD! that would be awesome and Jen would go nuts having to watch it, hee.

  82. Caitlin Kittredge
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 9:59 am
    82

    I didn’t watch the Oscars, but was Tilda Swinton’s dress awesome or what? Amid all those generic starlets, it’s nice to get a refreshing glimpse of Batshit Insane.

  83. Jambrea
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 10:16 am
    83

    I LOVE Big Brother and ANTM. I missed the first episode of ANTM, but it doesn’t look like I missed much. My favorite parts are the photo shoot and the reveal. As for Big Brother…this winter season just isn’t doing if for me. I hated how people were saying Ryan and Jen had an advantage! How can you have an advantage when you are on different teams! And Allison…she is just a big baby!! It would be cool to see Ryan and Allison have something going on. That one woman who used to be a model, Sharon?, needs to GO!

  84. Kelsey Johnson Defatte
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 10:21 am
    84

    Skin&Bones! *blows milk out nose* Beautiful, baby! Beautiful!

    Hmmm… Zombies, corpses, Skin&Bones… Sounds good to me!!!

  85. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 10:28 am
    85

    Dan - Absolutely. Keep your deep revelations to yourself. I’m looking for lies.

    Randi - You’re right. I’m off to pimp somewhere else, right now.

    Bam - I refuse to respond to your intentionally tittilating Oscars comment.

    Hi Caitlin - No doubt. WTF? Swinton grabbed a sheet at Kmart on her way from the barber shop.

    Jambrea - Wait. Hold up. Sharon used to be a model?

    Kelsey - Yes and from now on Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones will be known as PIGS IN A BLANKET. I’ll let you find that discussion amidst the comments.

  86. Stacey
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 10:32 am
    86

    Ugh, the mealy dresses. I didn’t watch much of the Oscars, but I hope next year someone shows up in one of Chris March’s gowns. I loved that guy on Project Runway. Bones would look good in the human hair fringed outfit with the safety pin skirt. That man is a snarky designer genius.

  87. Lila
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 10:39 am
    87

    Pennies in a sock, a must have for all social events!

  88. tami
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 11:11 am
    88

    Tami - Thanks. If it makes you feel more comfortable, I’ll tuck it. Oh yeah. I said it.

    geez why in the heck would i want you to do that, wtf you think i read romances for??????? babe i think you should swing it

  89. jenn
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 11:15 am
    89

    Happy Hour of the Damned was the fucking funniest book I’ve ever read. I’ve now been spoiled for life. I know I will never read anything else as funny ever again - well until Road Trip of the Damned comes out.

  90. Randi
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 11:19 am
    90

    bah! I’m at work and we can’t use Firefox. *grumbles*

  91. deemer
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 11:21 am
    91

    I laughed my way through that entire post. Thanks, Mark!

  92. Jambrea
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 11:46 am
    92

    Oops wrong name, but yes Adam’s partner was a model. This is from CBS on the Big Brother page. :)
    Sheila, 45
    Single Mom
    Former Model
    Reseda, CA via Memphis, TN

  93. Jambrea
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 11:52 am
    93

    PS. Mark you aren’t too far behind Ann in the comments!!!! :)

  94. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
    94

    Stacey - You’re dead on I loved Chris’s stuff, hair and all it was brilliantly goth.

    Lila - Yep. That and a bad attitude. You wanna piece of Linney, motherfucker?

    Tami - Allow me to make that announcement for you. TAMI READS ROMANCES FOR THE COCK! That should do it. Hehehe!

    Jenn - You’re spoiling me. Quick grab Laura Linney’s sock-o-pennies and throttle me.

    Deemer - You’re welcome. Come back soon and often.

    Jambrea - Ooooooooh. I already conceded. Damn.

  95. T.M. Thomas
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
    95

    Sheila wasn’t just a model. She was a Penthouse Playmate. 1983, I think I read.

    Alison is insane, but not a fun sort of insane to watch. I do marvel at her own version of reality where she’s the scorned woman who didn’t get a shot at a relationship. Because, you know, every other couple are such perfect soulmates…

  96. Jambrea
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
    96

    I know! I think it is so silly that these people in the house think this is one big hook up. It’s a game and it’s not the Dating Game!! :) I hated listening to Sheila whine when she found out Adam was her partner. It isn’t like she has to get down and dirty with him! :)

  97. Wendy
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
    97

    Jambrea, they meant an advantage because each one had a partner and since they were couple, they could (like they did!) get all together and formed an alliance.

  98. Jambrea
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
    98

    But we saw how well that worked. :) Of course Jen has a big mouth. She could have convinced Parker with out telling him the secret. I think all the teams have the chance to form alliances with out knowing each other. I really don’t think it was the big deal they made it out to be, but of course this is Big Brother we are talking about! :) I do think they would have had an advantage if they were paired together. Also, what was with the whole Allison and Sheila deal pretending to be a couple. That was just silly. I think I missed the episode where they found out it was a lie. At least I think I did since the two had a fight.

  99. Jambrea
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
    99

    Sorry…all the Big Brother talk probably isn’t as exciting as the porn talk on Ann’s post. :)

  100. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
    100

    I’m my own 100th comment! Sad.

    With all this Big Brother talk. I thought I’d spice things up with a question. If you were on the show, why would the houseguests hate you (feel free to fantasize)?

  101. Laura McCarthy
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
    101

    And I’m 101!!!! Wahoo… Mark told me to come here, do I win anything for posting?

    Or do I have to say how much I LOVE mark and his witty, sartorial blogs. How he is more awesomer than me on Facebook.

    If I were on Big Brother they would hate me because I’m beautiful, intelligent, would cuss them out every second I could. Would show off my lovely…um, maybe not! Oh, and they’re all loser hicks looking for 15 minutes of fame?

    Is that good enought?

  102. catie
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
    102

    Too easy: they’d hate me because I have this nasty habit of telling people the truth (as I see it) about *everything*. Nobody wants to hear that shit!

  103. December Quinn/Stacia Kane
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
    103

    …and no matter how many times I refresh or go back and forth I can’t see any comments. Man! I hate my stupid internet connection!

  104. Jambrea
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
    104

    I don’t think they would hate me. I would be the one kicked out for being too nice. :) Or I guess they could hate me for being too nice. ;)

  105. LadyAllyn
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
    105

    HHotD was still MIA at Third Place Books Lake Forest Park late afternoon Tuesday. I’d been hunting about to see one in the wild these past few weeks, but no joy. I haven’t been back to 3P yet this week, but it was probably “in the boxes on the dock waiting to be unloaded”.

    Yeah, I’m using IE because my banking *hates* firefox and breaks things.
    *sigh*

  106. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
    106

    Hi LadyAllyn - I dropped by 3rd Place yesterday and signed, two. Also, the Alderwood Mall Barnes and Noble had 8 yesterday afternoon.

    I should have been in sales.

  107. Jambrea
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
    107

    Mark…you shouldn’t have thrown in the towel on your comment war. You are slowly moving along. :) I think you are only 8 post away. :)

  108. Angeldye
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
    108

    ok, so my store only got 3 freaking copies of Happy Hour. I said. OH NO WE DID NOT JUST GET 3! goddamn-it! if I gotta go and shank a bitch, Imna shank a bitch - to get more copies into the goddamn store - so I can put them on the NEW QP TABLE where customers, and people going on cruises will see them. So I ordered more! HA!!(I’m still gonna shank a bitch, just cus it made me mad! ) imna pimp that whore of a book out like a madwoman!

    p.s. I feel that you’ve channeled me with the amount of sass that is in the book. I’m all - HELL! that Amanda! SHE’S FULL OF SASS! She’ll sass someone right side up the head and take a goddamn ear off while she’s at it!

  109. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
    109

    Aw HELLS yeah, Angeldye. Pimp them shits out. Amanda do like a tasty ear, too. Glad you two have hit it off.

  110. Anna (vampregirl76)
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
    110

    I have yet to get to Borders. Hopefully soon, I’m gonna demand they order some if they don’t have any on the shelf. :D

  111. Lorelie
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
    111

    Huh, my local B&N had two stacks on a center table, Angeldye

  112. Wendy
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
    112

    I would be the female version of Dr. Will. Nuff said. :D

  113. danette
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
    113

    They might hate me because I hog the computer, blogging is a 24/7 world that I just get lost in.

  114. T.M. Thomas
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
    114

    I think my litany of personal faults would make them hate me, but to pick just one…my snoring. Nothing in the history of that show compares to me. Heavy equipment and jackhammers have trouble keeping up.

  115. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
    115

    Lorelie - Was there only one stack after you left?

    Anna - They’ll probably have it. Ordering is the bestest thing because they’ll usually order more than one.

  116. danette
    Posted: Feb 28th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
    116

    I’ll tie you up with Ann. You rock Mark!

  117. Anna (vampiregirl76)
    Posted: Feb 29th, 2008 at 8:43 am
    117

    By the time I’m able to get to the Borders (i live in a small town with no book store) they might have some in. But I’ll check it out just to be sure. LOL! :)

  118. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 29th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
    118

    Hey!

    I’m back in your inbox with contest winners.

    The two zombie-doodled and signed copies of Happy Hour of the Damned go to…

    fiveandfour
    lorelie

    …and the $25 Barnes and Noble Gift Card goes to…

    Caffey!

    Congratulations all. Email me your addresses at: me@markhenry.us

    I’ll get those out in my next post office run.

    Thanks for playing, see you next time on Kids Beat.

  119. azteclady
    Posted: Feb 29th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
    119

    Congrats to the lucky winners!

  120. Mark Henry
    Posted: Feb 29th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
    120

    Oh yeah, and Tami, make sure you hook up with Bam, to get that $20 Amazon card she sweetened the potty with.

    Thanks everybody and Bam, I had a great time!

    Mark

  121. danette
    Posted: Feb 29th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
    121

    Congrats to the Winners!

    Happy Leap Day !

    Hugs, Danette

  122. SweetNSourGirl
    Posted: Feb 29th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
    122

    Heehee “skin and bones” priceless. :P

  123. Randi Thompson
    Posted: Mar 3rd, 2008 at 6:08 pm
    123

    Mark,

    I saw your book during my weekend jaunt to B&N (it was just sitting there staring at me, like a siren song of hilarity) and I was like…Mark Henry? Why does that sound familiar? OH! Mark Henry. Of course. So I bought it, read it, laughed more than once, and loved it. LOVED IT! The footnotes are hi-larious. As was the reference to a certain current vampire writer who made all her vampires gay-esque. bwahahhahhahah.

  124. Mark Henry
    Posted: Mar 3rd, 2008 at 8:42 pm
    124

    Randi - Thanks a ton. I’m all about the footnotes. Though some people find them irritating. Whatever. We’ll see how long you have to wait for Road Trip of the Living Dead, hopefully later on this year.

  125. Caffey
    Posted: Mar 4th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
    125

    Oh thanks dearly!!! And too can’t wait to get your book Mark!!

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