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Guilty Pleasure #2

Oh man, I am so going to lose my hipster cred for this. There are certain things I like ironically: Mannequin 2: On the Move, the song “We don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off” by Jermaine Stewart, American Idol, talking like I was raised in the projects even though I grew up in what can be classified as an upper middle class suburban neighborhood surrounded by white people, the Anita Blake books (Karen’s voice in my head: Bitch, who you kiddin’? You love that skank like a fat kid loves cake!)… you get the picture. At least that’s what I tell people when they come upon me seriously rocking out to “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves. Or “I’m Coming Out” by Diana Ross. Or… anything by the Pointer Sisters (up to and including “He’s so Shy”). I like to have my own movie montages in my head—oh, like you don’t. But here’s something I enjoy utterly and without irony (though I get embarrassed sometimes to admit it out loud): Songs That Tell a Story. Often they’re manipulative and designed to tug at your heartstrings. One of the biggest offenders, I think, is that fucker Kenny Chesney. His song, “Good Stuff” never fails to get me. Peep these lyrics:

I saw a black and white picture and HE caught my stare.
It was a pretty girl with bouffant hair.
He said, “That’s my Bonnie,
Taken ’bout a year after we were wed.”

He said, “Spent five years in the bottle,
When the cancer took her from me.
But I’ve been sober three years now,
‘Cause the one thing stronger than the whiskey…”


Bouffant hair

Oh noez! The Cancer! Alcoholism! A man saved from his sorrows by sentimental memories of a “brand-new shirt that says ‘I’m a Grampa’”! That same old man imparts wisdom to a younger man who got in a fight with his girlfriend ’cause that bitch was probably being too “mouthy” or something. “Drink milk and think about the time she gave you a blow-job while you were speeding down the highway in your souped-up pretty little 4-wheel drive with Toby Keith playing in the background, you little scamp!”

But the BIGGEST offender of the corny, manipulative songs-that-tell-a-story designed to wring your tear ducts dry, I think, is that bastard Dan Fogelberg. Yeah, you guys know what I’m talking about. “Same Old Lang Syne”

She said she’d married her an architect
Who kept her warm and safe and dry
She would have liked to say she loved the man
But she didn’t like to lie.

I said the years had been a friend to her
And that her eyes were still as blue
But in those eyes I wasn’t sure if I saw
Doubt or gratitude.

And shit, that song was even about the Fogelberg himself, I think. Shit, an autobiographical song-that-tells-a-story. How self-aware!

She said she saw me in the record stores
And that I must be doing well
I said the audience was heavenly
But the traveling was hell.

Aww, see? It’s vindictive, too. It’s like he’s saying, “See, you should have stuck with me when I was a starving musician and you were a beauty school drop-out who had to shake her ass in a teeny bikini just so we could eat. You should have had faith in me instead of railing at me all the time to get a GODDAMN JOB, DAN! Now you’re in a loveless marriage with a man who probably smacks you around and I’m neck-deep in Daisy Duke poon, baby!” Or something like that. I’m not a linguistics expert and can’t decipher the most subtle nuances of the song, sorry. But just when you’re starting to get dizzy from rolling your eyes so much, that sneaky-ass Fogelberg gut-punches you with this:

Just for a moment I was back at school
And felt that old familiar pain
And as I turned to make my way back home
The snow turned into rain—

Damn you, Fogelberg. DAMN YOU! *wipes away tear*

Anyway, I’m going to leave you guys with this awesome song by Kate Nash. It’s my latest favorite in song-that-tells-a-story genre. It’s called “Foundations.”

Thursday night, everything’s fine, except you’ve got that look in your eye
when I’m tellin’ a story and you find it boring,
you’re thinking of something to say.
You’ll go along with it then drop it and humiliate me in front of our friends.

Then I’ll use that voice that you find annoyin’ and say something like
“Yeah, intelligent input, darlin’, why don’t you just have another beer then?”

Then you’ll call me a bitch
and everyone we’re with will be embarrassed,
and I won’t give a shit.

So what’s your favorite song-that-tells-a-story?

This entry was posted on Friday, March 28th, 2008 at 9:26 am and is filed under Just Dionne!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

20 Responses to “Guilty Pleasure #2”

  1. MaryKate
    Posted: Mar 28th, 2008 at 9:48 am
    1

    *MK whispers*

    Fancy by Reba McEntire.

    *slinks away*

  2. azteclady
    Posted: Mar 28th, 2008 at 10:45 am
    2

    I could write a very long list, but most of them are in Spanish or French, so I’ll spare you guys.

    Still… :grin: yeah, I’m a total sucker for a song that tells a story. The sadder, the better :wink:

  3. JaimeK
    Posted: Mar 28th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
    3

    I can still feel you by Collin Raye: I can still feel you just as close a skin, every now and then.
    All by myself, in a crowded room, on my empty bed.
    There’s a place you’ve touched with your love no one else gets to…
    I can still feel you, I can still feel you, I can still feel you.
    I can still feel you…

    or This life by Collin Raye: Let the world stop turning,
    let the sun stop burning.
    Let them tell me love’s not worth going through.
    If it all falls apart, I will know deep in my heart
    the only dream that matters has come true;
    in this life, I was loved by you.

    Raven by Lisa marie Presley: And as the raven flies she feels unwelcome
    She’s fallen out of her tree and caught on a limb of silver lining
    Her wings uncertain oh but she’s still flying
    Yeah little Raven I see you there

    Hold your head up now
    I won’t try and pull your feathers out I promise
    Go on dry your eyes
    You know that I’ve forgiven you and I’m sorry
    And everything till now
    It wasn’t that bad really
    Beautiful lady

    And this one kills me (by the way I don’t listen to country every day - these are just songs I like): Love me by Collin Raye *If you get there before I do, don’t give up on me
    I’ll meet you when my chores are through, I don’t know how long I’ll be
    But I’m not gonna let you down, Darling wait and see
    But between now and then till I see you again
    I’ll be loving you..love me

    I read those words just hours before my grandma passed away
    In the doorway of a church where me and grandpa stopped to pray
    I know I never seen him cry in all my fifteen years
    But as he said those words to her
    His eyes filled up with tears
    *
    There are a ton of songs from when I grew up in the 70’s, but I don’t know all the lyrics, that tell a story…my favorite being The Night Chicago Died…love that song.

    Great post!

  4. JaimeK
    Posted: Mar 28th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
    4

    OH GEEZ!! Sorry BAM, didn’t realize that was so long…

  5. Marg
    Posted: Mar 28th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
    5

    How about Kenny Rogers older country songs - The Gambler and Lucille are two for example.

    Wait…did I just write those in public? Oh the shame!

  6. Lorelie
    Posted: Mar 28th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
    6

    The Dixie Chick’s Travelin’ Soldier makes me sob. Really.

    I don’t listen to country much anymore. It’s bad for me.

  7. Tumperkin
    Posted: Mar 28th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
    7

    Jolene by Dolly Parton is - the - best.

  8. mutumia
    Posted: Mar 28th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
    8

    Lucille! for sheer pathos, nobody comes close to Kenny Rogers. Like when he sings about this skank Lucille! The tears flow. See Lucille just finished picking Kenny up in a bar (in Toledo!) & her husband walks in and …

    “…For a minute I thought I was dead
    But he started shaking
    His big heart was breaking
    He turned to the woman and said
    ‘You picked the fine time to leave me, Lucille
    Four hungry children and a crop in the field
    Ive had some bad time
    Lived through some sad times
    But this time your hurtin’ won’t heal
    You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille’”

  9. fiveandfour
    Posted: Mar 28th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
    9

    [Comments are all freaky again - grr, argh! I can see 2 of them only…sometimes.]

    That Fogelberg song is right up there with Cat’s Cradle in my book when it comes to the blatant emotional manipulation. (Funny how both songs are done by men.) All I can think of at the moment are Careless Whisper by Wham! (come on, you know you love that song, don’t be tryin’ to front) and Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick (oh the poor alcoholic 21 year old, d’aaawww).

    Neither one of those songs really qualifies, though.

    The fact that I can’t think of any really juicy ones for this category must mean I don’t listen to enough country music (well, it’s “enough” in my book anyway), I skip hearing songs like this with a fiery passion, or both.

  10. SweetNSourGirl
    Posted: Mar 28th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
    10

    Difficult to say since I like more abstract songs where I can make my own meaning out of it. But if I had to pick, it’d be Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ the Law!” The story of a man out of work, pissed off and doing some serious shit to survive. Alice in Chains’s “Rooster” is pretty intense story too.

  11. fiveandfour
    Posted: Mar 28th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
    11

    Oh, and Lucille really pissed me off when I was a kid. First of all, I thought he was saying, “four hundred children” and boy, Lucille really was a jerk for leaving.

    Then later on I figured Lucille probably was taking care of those four kids all day AND doing stuff out in the field to help out her husband. And he didn’t appreciate how much work those four kids were until finally one day Lucille up and left and go Lucille! I say (except for the bad mommy part) because he deserved to walk a mile in her shoes and see how damn hard it is doing all that stuff around the house. He can cry Lucille a river as far as I’m concerned and get over himself.

    But there’s two sides to every story and we never did get to hear all of the facts, so finally I had to let all that anger at Mr. Crybaby and Lucille go and get on with my life.

    Not that I’ve thought much about it or anything.

  12. Wendy
    Posted: Mar 28th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
    12

    My best friend used to have an entire album of these called “Storytellers” and we used to ACT THEM OUT. I shit you not. But I don’t like any of them enough to call them a favorite, except folky stuff like “The Springhill Mine Disaster” and Peggy Seeger’s “Engineer Song” and “Nine Month Blues.”

  13. katieM
    Posted: Mar 28th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
    13

    Slick Rick. Childrens’ Story.

  14. bam
    Posted: Mar 28th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
    14
    Author Comment

    Oh, the song that made me cry when I was a kid was “Oh No” by the Commodores, which was from the soundtrack of the movie The Last American Virgin. It’s kind of like American Pie only there’s a hooker and crabs and schmorschmortion and the hero drives away at the end of the movie WITHOUT his love interest AND in the rain AND he’s crying and the song “Just Once” by James Ingram starts playing and the credits roll.

    But yeah, in “Oh No”

    I want you
    To want me
    I’m goin’ crazy
    Knowin’ he will be your lover tonight
    And when he comes,
    I’ll let you go
    I’ll just pretend that you walked out the door
    Oh no
    I can’t sleep
    Oh no
    I’m goin’ crazy with love
    Over you…

    *wiping tear*

    HE DOESN’T GET THE GIRL! Worst. teen. sex. comedy. ever.

  15. Karen Scott
    Posted: Mar 29th, 2008 at 12:49 am
    15

    I probably should have mentioned this a while ago, but for some reason, I can’t see the comments on any of your posts. The sexy comment boxes are all blank.

  16. bam
    Posted: Mar 29th, 2008 at 7:51 am
    16
    Author Comment

    Ugh… yeah, Karen… works ok in Firefox, though. It’s IE that hates me.

  17. Kimberly B.
    Posted: Mar 29th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
    17

    “All I Want to Do Is Make Love To You” by Heart. (slinks away).

  18. Helen M
    Posted: Mar 30th, 2008 at 9:18 am
    18

    You want a corny, manipulative, designed to make you cry your eyes out song-that-tells-a-story? Joe Nichols’ I’ll Wait For You. Story of a relationship where his job means she’s often kept waiting for him - Christmas, birth of their son, etc., and now, he’s trying to get back to her, alone in the hospital…

    Didn’t stop all day, to eat a bite,
    And he finally got there ’round midnight
    The Doctor said ‘She’s in a better place,
    She said to give you this note just in case’.
    And it said ‘I’ll wait for you, at Heaven’s gate,
    Oh, I don’t care how long it takes.
    And I’ll tell St Pete I can’t come in
    Without my love and my best friend,
    Oh, this ain’t nothing new,
    Sweetheart, I’ll wait for you.
    Gah. Waaaah. Manipulative and evil, but still gets me.

    On a less crybaby but still country note, Dolly Parton’s Harper Valley PTA is a good story song.

  19. deemer
    Posted: Mar 30th, 2008 at 11:05 am
    19

    Funny how most of the story in a song are country songs. . (Although kudos to whoever brought up “Cat in the Cradle”. That song gave me chills when I first understood it.)

    But one song. . “Independence Day” by Martina McBride. As a teen, I used to think it was about female empowerment. Now, I just think it’s sad. And that the mom was stupid.

  20. shuzluva
    Posted: Mar 31st, 2008 at 7:58 am
    20

    Um…okay…I know this is going to sound horrible, but since I’ve been listening to so much kids music (it just can’t be avoided) I realize that most of the Disney songs are really tearjerkers in disguise: Part of Your World could kill me, along with Colors of the Wind. While neither of these really qualify, the fact that I’d cry to them is just pathetic. But the ones that really get me? Folksongs. I’m not a country girl, I’m a folky girl. Simon & Garfunkel, Carole King, James Taylor, Don McClean (before Madonna totally fucked that song up). The Old Friends/Bookends medly that S&G did in Central Park always gets me:

    Old friends,
    Old friends
    Sat on their park bench
    Like bookends.
    A newspaper blown though the grass
    Falls on the round toes
    Of the high shoes
    Of the old friends.

    Old friends,
    Winter companions,
    The old men
    Lost in their overcoats,
    Waiting for the sunset.
    The sounds of the city,
    Sifting through trees,
    Settle like dust
    On the shoulders
    Of the old friends.

    Can you imagine us
    Years from today,
    Sharing a park bench quietly?
    How terribly strange
    To be seventy.
    Old friends,
    Memory brushes the same years
    Silently sharing the same fears

    Time it was
    And what a time it was
    It was a time of innocence
    A time of confidences
    Long ago, it must be
    I have a photograph
    Preserve your memories;
    They’re all that’s left to you

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