August 2009 archive

Is it Awesome… or Toooo Awesome?

Lilo

I’m always finding ways to circumvent actually working out, while trying to attain rock-hard abs like whoa. The only exercise I’ve ever enjoyed that still make my abs and thighs work like a mother is hula. Like “Pearly shell… on the ocean…” and shit. But even that’s too much work. So then I found this:

Daaaamn. I might have to borrow Doc Brown’s Delorean so I could get ahold of one of these beauties. A hui hou!

Does This Beard Make Me Look Fat?

nobodys-princess

Nobody's Princess[Fake Blurb Alert!]

Ben Houston has always been a man’s man. He enjoys ice skating as much as the next guy, washes down his arugula and fennel salad with a pale ale after a hard day’s work, and absolutely adores the sensation of the sun kissing his golden tan skin while soaping up his Miata in his favorite macraméd jean shorts. So what if he would rather spend the day tending his prize-winning white orchids than go out with the cougar across the street who has been greedily eyeing him like he’s on the clearance table at Sephora? So what if the neighbors call him “swishy” and stick rainbow stickers all over his garage door while he’s at work? He knows what he likes and is sticking to it. He’s nobody’s princess!

No matter what the cost, she will have him…

Having grown up with brothers and the owner of a demolition company, Maya Rains is extremely familiar with all things male. But underneath the grimy hard hat, well-worn flannel, and dirty coveralls, she is all female… a female with needs… And the one man who could fill the gaping hole in her soul doesn’t even know she’s alive. From the moment she laid eyes on Ben Houston in his impeccable charcoal suit and kicky pink paisley tie, she knew she had to have him. Sure, her brothers snicker and call him “Princess Buttercup” behind his back, but Maya will not be deterred. She is sick of the sweaty, sleepless nights, and tossing and turning in her bed while thinking of Buttercup Ben’s cool blue eyes and neatly trimmed beard. Surely, he can hear the throbbing of her loins, pulsing like Taiko drums on a hot summer night. Her flower needs tending and the only gardener she needs is Ben…

Mitch’s Special Sauce

mitch-takes-wife

Why does it smell like chlorine?Hi, Mitch, here I am! Where’s that special yummy fudge you promised me? *sniffs* Hmm… it sure smells like heavenly chocolate… and oddly enough, chlorine… Whoa, there, buddy. You must have gotten dressed in a hurry because your pants are still unzipped. In fact… *looks away* Listen, Mitch, can you stuff Little Mitch back in his cage? I’m… I’m starting to feel really uncomfortable here. *moves head back as Mitch attempts to push the wooden spoon into her mouth* Easy there, buddy. I promised you I would taste the fudge and I will. What’s your hurry? Can’t you wait one minute while I put on this apr… okay, fine! *leans forward to gingerly touch the tip of her tongue to the spoon* Oh, hey, it’s actually pretty good. A little salty and bitter, but… what’s with the creepy smirk, buddy? Wait, what are you doing with that camera? What do you mean, you want me to take an extra big spoonful so you can take a picture? Mitch, you’re starting to freak me out. *frowns as Mitch holds up a panda costume* You want me to what? No, I’m not going to wear that thing. It’s ninety degrees outside, are you crazy? *rips off apron and slowly backs away toward the door* What the hell is that… what are you doing with a leather mask with zippers over the eyes and mouth? I don’t unders— Uh-uh, buddy, back off. Look, our sex life is fine the way it is. When I said it was a little vanilla, I meant gourmet French vanilla… Get away from me, you freak! No, I don’t want to taste your special popsicle! I’m out of here. Psycho!”

Mitch stands forlornly, staring at the swinging door. He squeezes the double-sided dildo he is holding in his hand. I really thought she was the one…